Do do do de da da da

... is all I want to say to you.
It's the song stuck in my head now.

Broody Herr.
My computer is being Whiney McBitchMonkey again (I'm coming up with all kinds of new nicknames for it), so I'm sitting in front of "Blakely," one of the computers on the 9th Floor Computer lab in Mathes. It's about 1 in the morning. I wonder if I should go to Philosophy tomorrow. I've still yet to copy down all the notes I need, and I wonder where they left off. Maybe I'll go tomorrow to SEE where they leave off, that way I'll know how much of the posted-online-notes to copy.
Yes, some of you may wonder why I'd bother going to class if the notes are all online anyway. Well... call me crazy, but I'd actually like to learn something from a class that I'd take. I feel guilty when I think about how many classes are taken for "credit's sake." Evidence of a learning experience on paper.
I'd like to think I could get something useful out of it. This is, after all, Logical Thinking. It's what I can be good at. It's not the most interesting, exciting, or practical class I've got (nor is it all that demanding)... but, why the hell not try to pick up something from it?

I've been a ball of stress, again. Computer breakage. Homework from classes to think about (bloody anthropology). Finals coming up in about 2 weeks time. Art Portfiolio to submit. Questioning the closeness of a friendship...

Let's start out with the art portfolio.... I finally submitted mine today!! Robert generously lent me his camera, his computer, and his time to help me out. And I can't be grateful enough--with no camera and a breaking computer and not too much of a sense of how to put it together... I definitely need some assistance. I had to photograph 12 of my best pieces of art, put them in either slides or a slideshow (hooray for powerpoint) on a CD, describe each of them (my inspirations, influences, process, whatever), and submit an application form and a self-addressed envelope. And it's done. The day before the deadline. One less thing I have to worry about!!

Questioning my closeness... Robert and I are good friends. He's one of the most reliable and trustworthy people I've got. I have a hard time drawing the line between good friend and attachment sometimes, and I had a deep down feeling telling me I'm getting too close. I admit, in the past, Robert and I had gotten a bit too close (physically)... we try our darndest best to refrain from any of that now. But we're still close. I just kept getting feelings of regret... the kind I got before I broke up with Alan, the kind I got after close encounters of the Eric kind. I hate to feel that feeling... maybe Robert and I have mild feelings for each other deep down, but I don't want to lose yet ANOTHER good friend... I'd be running out of options for sure. And Robert... well, he really likes having me around. REALLY likes having me around. Losing me would be devastating, and he would wonder if he would stay here, should I go away. I like the feeling of being needed... I REALLY like it, in fact. But my bad feelings would insist on being there. I talked about it with someone this morning, and they said that, even though it's a gut feeling, that I shouldn't listen to it this time. ... which was weird. Because all this time I thought listening to the gut feeling was going to help me in every situation. Relationships, feelings, taking tests, etc. It had never really failed me before.
Robert told me I shouldn't trust them either. So maybe... maybe everyone else is right this time. The feelings have lessened since then. I have decided to stay close to him, it'll probably be better for me.
Thank goodness for friends.

Cause spotting my ex with his new one once in a while is like a good kick to the heart from my ass. It's not the fault of anyone... but it still makes me want to chew my own hand off.

My computer breakage doesn't help either, dammit.

As I said earlier to a friend:
God? Hi. Look, it's really not funny anymore. Doesn't this get old after a while? Couldn't you pick on someone else now?

Oh well. The Beatles told me to keep saying this, cause it's true:
Got to admit, it's getting better...