No One Is Alone

This is my mantra as of late. I'm trying to convince myself to believe it as much as possible. It's hard not to feel alone during times of loss. But especially on this day reserved for giving thanks, I'm trying to realize what is not lost around me.

I have an excellent family, for example. Yes, there are times when every single one of them (and often times several of them at once) can really pinch my nerves and make my veins bulge. But then there are moments with every one of them (and again, often times several of them at once) can make me feel better. Whether it's feeling loved or supported or sharing funny moments of any kind, I can't forget about them.

Sometimes it's strange... my family is just one example of this feeling, but it works rather well anyway. When I'm with them and I'm having a moment when I'm enjoying myself, sometimes it'll be a moment of "escape"--a moment when I won't think about my main troubles, and just be happy at that instant without even thinking about it. Sometimes it's as if I'm stepping out of my real self for a moment, just to laugh or to be amazed or relax or anything of the sort. I love the feeling when it happens... and I dearly wish it were enough to make the little knots untangle themselves for good.
I guess that was a reason I liked going to Fairhaven alot, too. There is a rather significant difference between my home and Fairhaven, though. Both provide means of escape in both the physical (distance) and social sense, yes. Home feels so familiar though, like (heh) I've had it all my life, and though little things have changed here and there, for the most part the way I act and the person I am hasn't changed much. Fairhaven was a real branch-out for me. The people there were pretty damn cool, and in many ways they acted like people that I probably would normally associate with. But there were some things about them that... well, for lack of a better phrase, were a real branch-out for me. Sometimes the mentality of such a group actually went as far as to contradict how I normally think and act. I didn't often subscribe to their particular points of view. Most of the time I would remain quiet, and a few times I used the best weapon: humor. That fit in just fine--those guys were all about humor. For a while I tried to convince myself as best I could that I would try this new point of view out as much as possible, and even try to adopt it a little. After all, it did provide a nice escape from things...

The toughest part is being caught in between. The reason I didn't quite fit all the way into the group I visited in Fairhaven was because although I was branching out into all kinds of new points of view and ways of thinking, there was still that older, more established part of me that wanted to be expressed--and just couldn't be expressed with that sort of group. And when I'm home, I can express that view all I want. The issue with home lies with the fact that I've branched out in directions that are not always the most comfortable ways to be at home. So although I can be a good part of myself at home, and I've grown quite a bit in Fairhaven, neither really completely fits with me at the moment. And the part in between, the neutral ground, as it were, is... well, in it lie all the feelings that I'm trying to escape from. Soon as I head back to my North Campus dorm, or as I log into my laptop, or as I flop onto my bed and become so aware of the fact that I'm the only one it it, I get a rush the actual state I'm in--the very lonely and restless and starved part of me, looking for a home. In there, both of these particular sides of me are being denied. I miss things from either side, and either side feels unfulfilled in one way or another.

The sad thing is that due to recent events, I probably won't return to Fairhaven for a while. In a few weeks, after experiencing my Fall Quarter '05 classes for the last time, I'll return home--for a good long time. I guess I'd better to learn to appreciate what I've got here at home... really appreciate it. Appreciate it till I'm sick of it. And I'll be desperately trying not to look behind me... to look into the past...

So the point has been abandoned a bit. The point being is that I'm thankful for what I have. One of those things being my family. Another thing being because compared to the rest of the world, I'm pretty damn well off. I've got a roof over my head, a very comfy bed, loads of food, a laptop, opportunities to express myself in most any way I want to, I'm attending a college, I don't have to pay for it myself, I'm quite healthy, my friends and relatives are all healthy, and my home country isn't that bad. And nothing scary is going to come and eat me in the middle of the night.

I guess something to really be thankful for is the progress I've made over time. Looking back into past Thanksgivings, looking back over the past months, the past weeks, the past days... I'm taking much larger steps and have journeyed farther than I ever thought I would. It almost feels like I should just stop here, and that I've found a good spot with the way I am to just settle down, but I know that's never the case--life is certainly going to keep happening, and who knows what the hell else is destined to cross, interrupt, or block my path. And who knows what I'll do in response. But I'm glad that I've grown. I have grown quite alot. I've also bloomed several times, and I've the confidence now to know that I can bloom again.

So we give our thanks, and then we enter the season of wishes. The gratitude towards such deserving things never leaves, of course, and is still appreciated just as much. But it's this season when we're allowed, the same time of being grateful for what we have, to have a wish as well.

I'm thankful for my growth.
And my wish is to bloom again soon.

(And the title comes from a song from Into The Woods, which is the new musical I'm getting into. My best musical recs often come from my brother, Graham. What he really wanted me to get into was Sweeney Todd. But Into the Woods will do for now. And I really like it, so it works.)

May you be fated to live in interesting times

Those Chinese sure knew what they were talking about.

Well, this past week has proven to be a very interesting time.
However, I'm not sure this is the time to post details of such things yet. So those of you who don't know will have to just wonder for now. I'm sorry, but it's the way my world shall work.

I guess now... well, part of me now feels somewhat better than before. And part of me feels bad. And a good portion of me feels lonely.

It gets difficult to sit around, in a vulnerable state, knowing patience is required, but still wondering where that reserved seat for you is.

... I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy.

Another foggy gray area for me.

But through every gray fog there is a blue sky waiting to happen. I'll just have to see how long it takes to burn off.

So once again, my apologies for not really giving any of you who may be reading this an update. But that's just how it'll have to be for now.

I'm on my way...

... from misery to happiness today.

Uh huh.

I'm working on it. I've been more cheerful these past few days than I have in a long time. Been making a few new friends here and there, and that's nice. Been keeping up with the friends that make me feel better too. Trying with all my might to hold on to the feelings I've recognized as happy. Sometimes its been tough to not feel a little sad, or alot sad once in a while, but I'd like to think I'm getting better.

Fairhaven has truely become a haven. Some people are convinced I live there now. I do spend alot of time there these days. I can see why people often stay there after living there for a while. It's not so much the living conditions (cause North campus does have them beat, I say), but the community built there. And I like the community. More and more friends of mine are being made there. I often have fun there, whether I'm hitting people with sticks, watching movies or cartoons, computering or gaming, or just talking with people, it's a nice place.

Last week my roommate and I got a fishy! He's a bug-eyed, fan-tailed goldfish named Adonis. And he's adorable! He lives in a bowl with a fake plant, blue-green gravel, and a sandcastle on Kit's desk. He swims and boogies around his little bowl, and gets excited when we feed him... And then the next night I went to the CF building to watch some Invader Zim on one of the projectors. Very strange show, yes. I can at least appreciate most of the humor in it, though. And then there's Gir! I've now joined the Gir is Awesome cult, and I'm proud of it. Cause eeeeeeee!!! He's just so cute!

This Friday my sister Keira came up to visit. Her main reason was because she wanted to play Capture the Flag with the boffers, but hey--sisterly bonding and Eric-bugging were also nice too. We ended up having loads of fun--for the first time I really went on the offensive side, rather than my usual place on the defensive side. And I think I might do that more often. It's not as scary as I thought it would be. My elbow was killing me though. I might have hyperextended it or something, but it would hurt when knocked back a certain way. Keira had the same issue too. And then the next day she woke up with a very swollen and very pained wrist... which might be broken. We're not exactly sure how that happened. She didn't fall and no one hit her hard, as far as she and I can remember. We know at the very least its sprained, but yeah. Broken. Yikes. And I assured my parents that she wouldn't have any bad injuries... *sigh* oh well. It was fun!

So now I'm home again. It's nice to see family members again, and nice to be able to escape to my room when they start to annoy me. I have my cat beside me... I do miss him from time to time. And one of my dearest wishes these days would to have him up in the dorm with me. Tonight Graham's got a concert, so I get to watch that. It's been a very long time since I've seen any of my siblings in concert. And since it used to happen so often, it's weird to think of how long it's been...

Still fighting bouts of loneliness, sad feelings still waiting to creep on me; sometimes they do. But I'm trying to hold onto what's making me happy. Not too tightly, but enough so that hopefully I don't slip and fall.

So yeah. I don't like being depressed. I do like support though. And I am extremely grateful to those who have offered theirs. You are the ones that I truely hold the highest on my value list. I owe you guys lots of chocolate and hugs and happinesses.

*step step* OW! *step* OW! *step step* HOLY SHIT, OWIE!!!

It feels like I'm blinding stumbling barefoot on a sidewalk with bits of broken glass strewn all over it. I try to carefully shuffle my way across, but sometimes stepping on something that'll cut me is inevitable. And sometimes I help it along--I know the glass is there, I take a big giant step in that direction anyway.

Pain pain, wonderful pain.

And with more pain comes more grungy/bluesy/hard rock songs. I've discovered "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, let's see how much I like their other songs. I might become a fan.

I wish my good friends were more accessible. I talked to Michelle for the first time in a while yesterday, and I wished her a late Happy Birthday (she's freakin' 20!!). That made me feel better--Michelle's the type of girl who will at least make you feel somewhat better about nearly anything. She did her full job yesterday at making me feel very better. I remember nearly a year ago it was during Veteran's day weekend that I came down to UW and visited them for a while. Good times. I wish we could do it again this quarter, but I'm making other plans for this weekend, and hopefully they'll work out.

So what was my big mistake that killed the whole happiness? I went online. And... well, maybe in the future I'll comfortable about why that was a mistake. But right now, I'll leave it at that. Let's just say, for now, it was another form of heartbreak. As a result, I went to bed feeling down (and alone--literally. My roommate didn't come home until this morning), woke up feeling hurty. Stayed in bed until a little after noon.

One of the worst thing about this whole situation? It's hard to even keep the friendship... I miss that.

I miss him.

If I had to go back and change one thing about the whole situation, I wish I could've remained at the friends level with him longer. I gotta learn to listen to my gut more.

(And note: whoever is leaving Anonymous notes, you're welcome to do so. However... I would kinda like to know who you are. It would just make me feel better. So either sign your name in your note, or you can create your own account. Please!)

Oh yeah, and HAPPY 100th POST! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyy...

Unconsciousness

Well I could sleep forever
But it's the hurt I dream
If I could sleep forever
I could forget about everything...

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize how goddamn lucky Sleeping Beauty was. She's sheltered all her life in a cozy little cottage in the woods, raised by three fairies, and then one little prick of pain on a spinning wheel and she's whisked off into a hundred year's worth of sleep (the third fairy really did give her the best of the gifts). Sleeping through all those bad times until she can be awakened by the kiss of her true love. She gets to sleep. Through all the hurt and bad times. And when she wakes up she's ready to live out a happy little perfect life. Almost no heartbreak whatsoever...

I would give anything in the world to be her right now.

It was a rather sleepy weekend. I spent over 24 hours away in Fairhaven, Friday to Saturday night. Played CTF, talked with geeks, spent the night in Eric's dorm, watched some movies, took a nap, ate... I would've loved to just sleep. When I came back to my dorm, I didn't get out of bed until about 1:30. And if not for the fact that I had a book to read and a test to study for, I would've stayed in bed all day. I would love to cancel school for a while just so a I could sleep the whole time. I would be content to watch the world pass me by for some time, watching the days ripple back and forth, watching the people hurry by, and then surrendering my consciousness for a long time...

The thing that gets me is dreams. I found out last night that I'm still capable of being reminded in my dreams... I suppose it doesn't hurt until I wake up and my consciousness slaps me around. But I just wish it would leave me alone.

I'm just sick of living right now. I don't want to be dead, but I don't want to be consciously living right now. I'd just like to sleep, sleep until I feel my true love's lips upon mine.
That'd be one huge set of heartbreak loads taken off me. Would save me alot of stress.

Sometimes, in fact many times, it's a huge curse to care deeply about many things, and about things may one day disappoint you, betray you, and break your heart.

... someone just please hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

...please?

Dying and Flying

It never ceases to amaze me that simple, tiny, easily-looked-over things can sometimes speak so much louder than any number of words or loud and spectaculor and big and huge event.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/237601

Watch the movie if you wanna. It may mean something to you, it may not.
I'll just say that it means a hell of alot to me at the moment. For reasons I don't feel inclined to spell out here. Hell, for reasons I'm not sure I understand yet.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm just made out of a million different, entertwining spirals.

I guess sometimes there just aren't enough rocks

Me: bleh, sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock
Candice: me to
Candice: and never come back out
Candice: i want to become part of the rock
Candice: to grow on it like moss
Candice: and just.....chill


Well, today's midterm did not actually completely rape me in the ass. I actually did much better than I thought I would. I can confidently say I'm expecting to pass it.

... Took my first awkward ride up the elevator with Alan in it. Kinda wondered what would happen if that ever occured. Now I know.
We just pretend the other doesn't exist.
Doesn't make me any happier.

Once I was in Fairhaven I felt better. Surrounded by cool people, hanging out with them, watching stupid flash cartoons with Eric, boffing practice.
And then sometimes you wonder how far is too far when reaching out to people.
I really am too dependant.
Koala to a tree dependant. (Note: Koala's feel the safest when they cling tightly to their trees. Without their tree they feel vulnerable and are basically helpless)

Do these cycles ever really end, or are they just temporily stopped once in a while?

And how existential can you get, really?

At least one happy moment: http://content.ytmnd.com//187000/187322/image.gif