What to tell you, what to tell you...

Well, first of all I will tell you nothing.

... That has to do with the 6th Harry Potter book.
I've just finished it. And I hate people who are spoilers, so I will not be one myself.
My only responce will be....

Holy Shit.

So other than that, I've been alright. I've actually been having probably, by far, the busiest week of the summer so far. On the 24th, I baked my dad a birthday cake--Pumpkin Cheesecake, something that did not sound at all delicious to me, but I knew he'd like. I also made a lemon souffle for that night, and watched Casablanca with Graham. It was pretty good; nothing terribly outstanding to me, but as Graham said, keep in mind it was one of the first of its kind.

The next day it was actually dad's birthday, and we had dinner early. I suppose I was the least active on this day. Dad liked my cheesecake, and it's one of the few times I've seen him be kinda greedy with something... go me.

Tuesday I was woken up by Michelle who borrowed Monty Python and the Holy Grail and showed of her cut-and-dyed (teal streaks) hair. I was tired the rest of the day. Graham and I watched Young Frankenstein next. Not the funniest things, but I think one of Mel Brooks' best. Pretty funny. Later, Sarah came over, and we hung out and caught up. And I found myself suddenly speaking words of wisdom with her... She had a dilemma, and it was a rare time in which I, being somewhat experienced in the area of her issue, was giving advice to her and talking her through it. Very interesting.

Wednesday. Today. Candice and I went to the mall, and I bought a few shirts. They are finally making the shirts in the color green that i have long been waiting. No camo green, forest green, hunter green, olive green, lime green, or kelly green. This was a... would it be jade? Emerald? Not sure. But a pretty green. Slowly but surely the world is making my style of clothing. I knew they'd come around.
I also finished Harry Potter, as I have mentioned before. And I'm still thinking Holy Shit. That 7th book better not keep me waiting too long.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet my friend and future roommate Kit at Ikea so that we may shop for dorm things. I have to bus down there; my mom has work tomorrow. I dislike buses very much, but I agreed to do it, so ride a bus I must. I hope that goes well.
I then have to clean the house.

Because on Friday, I'm not sure when yet, I'm expecting Alan to come pay a visit for the weekend. As some of you may imagine, I'm very happy about that. Both of us felt 4 weeks apart was pretty freakin long, and from now on we don't want too much time to lapse before we see each other again. Maybe it's pathetic, and maybe I've nothing much to complain about, but this is, on the me-scale, pretty damn hard. Long distance is hard in any relationship, and I will not believe that I'm an acception.

I've got a headache. But I'm a trooper. My brain is still disquieted due to that damn book, I'm getting thirstier, and I'm anxious about my busing journey tomorrow.

I wish there was a permenant cure for headaches. I'd take it in heartbeat. Unless the side affects included more headaches. Then that would suck.

But you know what I could really use? A swig of Felix Felicis. For those who dont' know what that is, get caught up in the modern times already.

And that's tonight's news.

Sunny Days... chasing the clouds away...

I hung out over the weekend at Alan's place for his birthday get-together. 9 people were there; a few I knew, a few I didn't know. Several of them go to Western (sadly, one of them won't be returning--he's off to bigger and better things) It was very fun, during the parts when I wasn't rolling in pain because of that stupid headache.... rargh. But I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I loved it! Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Danny Elfman are as genius and talented as ever. It was a fun flick. We also ate food, played Bocci Ball (I like to call it "Curling meets Lawn Bowling"), and those who were not in pain watched Eddie Izzard. I also got to spend time with just Alan, which was very nice. He says the next visit between us will not be put off for 4 weeks again. In fact, we both came up with a visit in two weeks time. We think alike alot. It's why we are convinced we are twins.

He also bought me Chocolat as a late 6 month present (I bought him a stressball for my late present.) Johnny Depp + chocolate... this is heaven, folks. I got so in the mood for some good chocolate after watching it that I made a chocolate cake. MMMmmm.

I've been doing alright. I feel sad when I think about Alan's party, because due to my persistent and horrible headache, I spent most of the time upstairs trying to get a little bit of sleep to make it go away... and it never worked, and I felt like I was hardly there... but I have to be grateful for the things I did have. I had Alan, for the first time in 4 weeks. That's the longest I've gone without him so far. My suffering may not be much compared to many others, but in my history, it's a significant amount. I hope next time will bring us both much happiness once again.

And to turn the entry towards a high school note, I present to you... a quiz:

A- Age: Nineteen.
B- Band you are listening to right now: None, unless you count the windchimes being played by the wind outside
C-Crush: Haven't had one since high school.
D- Dad's name: John Steven Dart
E- Easiest person to talk to: Alan, Candice, Michelle, Kit, Kirsten
F- Favorite ice cream: Mint Chocolate Chip from Baskin Robbins, Rainbow Sherbet
G- Gummy worms or gummy bears?: I don't like gummy things, though those chocolate-covered gummy bears that Kit got were pretty good
H- Hometown: Renton; once upon a time it was Pasadena
I- Instruments: They're very nice to listen to. And I wish i could play one.
J- Junior high: Nelson Middle School.
K- Kids: Preferably 2, somewhere in the far future.
L- Longest car ride ever: South Bend, OR to LA, CA. When I say all day, I mean ALL DAY.
M- Mom's name: Catherine Jean Dart
N- Nicknames: Row'n, Jo, Squeegee (it's been a long time since I heard that one), Poya
O- One wish: that I had wings
P- Phobia[s]: Being all alone... in a strange place... with strange people... nothing familiar...
Q- Quote: I've been hearing this one alot "Love is the condition in which some else's happiness is essential to your own."
R- Reason to smile: I'm in love.
S- Song you sang last: I don't really know
T- Time you woke up today: I woke up at 7:45, a little bit before 10, and around 11
U- Unknown fact about me: I've cried more times in the past year than many of the previous years combined...
V- Vegetable[s] you hate: Asparagus, any form of squash, brussel sprouts, artichokes. In general, vegetables are not my favorite.
W- Worst habit: Worst one? Various forms of self-hatred.
X- X-rays you've had: in my mouth. Orthodontist and dentist.
Y - Years since you've been to church?: I don't go to church, since I don't have a particular religion, but the last church I was at... had to be my friend Brittany's. Somewhere during high school.
Z- Zodiac sign: Aries. But I like to think of myself as the anti-Aries. We hardly share a common trait.

Happy summer, y'all.

*chomp chomp chomp*

I want to bite off all of your heads, chew them up, and then spit them back onto your carcasses.

Actually, I just want a break from my siblings. My younger, teenage, full-of-annoyances siblings. For you people with younger siblings, you know how I feel, most likely. For you only children, shut up. for you people with older siblings, shut up.

I won't go into detail, because when I try to spell all of it out, it just sounds stupid. But right now I'm just really annoyed.

The good news is, in one day... I'll get to be with Alan again. Thank frickin goodness.

That's all for now.

A mobius strip of an emotional rollercoaster

That's pretty much how it is. I'm up, then I'm down, I'm way down, I'm midground, I'm up again, I'm way up, way back down... over and over and over again.

Way back when, in November, I wrote an entry with, along with an image of a mobius strip, also included an emotional beach with waves of sadness washing back and forth. The difference between now and then is that this time, it's very irregular. While back then I could almost count being full of meloncholy once I woke up in the morning, this time I can't predict the next time I'll be a sobbing lump on my bed. The other difference is the indirect cause--last time it was connected to someone I didn't want any connections to, despite the ones present. This time it's connected to someone with whom I would like to share every possible connection with. But one thing's the same--for one reason or another, I end up feeling so full of ignomony that I spiral down in a self-hatred cycle, for the actions that caused me to feel so guilty and for feeling so wretched at the moment.
The cure for such times is often unpredictable too. Most of the time it just takes a good night's sleep; not always a 100% guarantee though. Sometimes I just need to talk my feelings out, by either explaining what I'm feeling, switching the subject entirely, or letting out what I've been holding back. Sometimes I just need some time alone, or with some people who I can rely on to make things happier or at least interesting. And sometimes, I'll just let it go away... This last one is the rarest of happenings. I used to use that method nearly all the time, and it's become more and more apparent to me of how it almost never works.

I guess it's the moments of rock bottom that bring me to my blog. Like many other people on this planet, particularly those with journals, even more particularly those with online journals, I get very verbal when I've got emotional baggage; I feel the need to spill out and examine all of the contents for everyone to see--at least those who care to, anway. Why is it so much harder to write about a happy time, or to read about or listen to a happy time? Except with old, fond memories, that's one of the hardest things to go onto my blog for.

I can't find an answer that sounds right.

I never thought I'd find myself saying this... but I wish summer would hurry along its way.

I find myself changing alot. And it's scary.

And now I shall go try the "good night's sleep theory."

In the Background

Hmmm... what to talk about. I could talk about things I've been doing lately... but that would get dull for all of you real fast, I'm sure. Though I've enjoyed the frequent visits from Michelle, the trip to the Zoo with Michelle and Candice, the lovely desserts I've been making, and the breakfast I've had with Alex... but I worry about the excess levels of boredom my readers would experience. So just know that the things that I've mentioned have happened.

*sigh* It's time to reflect on one particular aspect that's become apparent to me at the moment. I tend to be a very boring person when having a one-on-one moment. I'm not a conversationalist by nature, and the less I know a person, the more reserved and boring I tend to be. I'm not exactly what you'd call a social butterfly. Sure my people skills are not too shabby... but...
It's hard for me to open up to someone. It takes a while to truely trust them and be able to say anything that happens to be on my mind. Only a few people get that privilege. Compared to some people, I have don't have that much depth to my personality. I'm not a typical type of person; it really takes another not-so-typical person to truely understand me. I will not imply that I am an outcast--my desire not to be alone, or rather my fear of being alone, prevents me from adopting that label. I tend not to be rebellious either. While I'm not completely a law-abiding citizen, rebellion is not my usual thing. I'm not going to go punk or goth or anything of that nature either. As far as I'm concerned, no matter how much those people like to stress that they are different, all they seem to be is the inverse of the groups they're trying to rebel from--the anti-prep group, if you will. They have a certain similar dress and grooming style, social attitude, music/movie/media taste, and other things that they all conform to--despite they're dislike of conformity. The only thing that seperates them from the opposite group, the "preps," is the look and feel of their side of the spectrum. (*disclaimer* I do not hold anything against said group, and I realize my opinions are mine alone and are not written in stone and I mean no offense, I swear. Do what you like, kids. Just don't hurt anyone.)
Where was I going again? My place in life? My lack of social skills? I Don't know. I do better in big groups, interestingly enough. I have a quota on the number of people in the group (getting close to 20, and that's pushing it), but I tend to enjoy myself and have a better time when there's more people to interact with. I guess that's becuase, though I like a little attention, I am not always keen on all of the attention being focused onto me. I make a good background person. I easily fade into the background, I'm good at taking up social space, when there's extra people to be present, I'll contribute. If life were a sitcom, drama, or something similar, I'd be one of those people walking around or working in the background, to make things look realistic or busy. Maybe I'd get a few lines, maybe a little spotlight if I am to help out a main character... but nothing special. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing worth building a complex and viewer-interesed plot around. Just look at this blog...

Yay, Rowan, you've once again begun to sob and sorry yourself into your public journal again. Would it make good television? Only if I became a super-secret spy and I had a wacky range of clever lines and comebacks, not to mention a terribly interesting and fickle love life. Nope, 0 for 3.

Enough negativity. A few positive notes: My cousin's been online more these days, thanks to the miracle that is wireless internet (e.g. DSL). I've been in touch with her, and catching up on her life and allowing her to catch up on mine. I miss that girl, I wish there was some way I could see her this summer... Curse my unemployment. Lack of income. Lazy ass. Etc.

Dammit, there I go again. I'm lonely. I miss Alan alot, too. I don't get to see him for another two weeks still. It's sad when the people you're closest to are far away.

My dream someday would be to find a bunch of money and then take a few selected friends to a trip to California to spend some time vacationing. I love California (the areas I know, at least), and I'd love to share it with my friends. I'd like to see Kirsten again. I'd like to take my boyfriend down with me.

I also miss the sun. Come back, sun... make me warm again.

Oh, to be a little kid again.

(sidenote: the title is from my favorite form of such inspirations, a song. A song title. A Third Eye Blind song title. The chorus, which has nothing to do with this entry, really, goes like this:
"The plans I made still have you in them
cause you come swimming into view
and I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do
the words they use so lightly I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
in the background"
I've felt like that in the past before. Has anyone else?)

Right now, it's Simon and Garfunkel keeping me company.