Candy day

I wish I had some candy, anyway. I'm gonna try to see if I can get some later this afternoon... maybe not. I don't know.

These days I like to think my name is Sisyphus. For a reason that I can't think of at the moment, he was cursed to forever spend his days in the afterlife trying to roll a boulder up a hill. Whenever he almost reached the top of the hill, the boulder would slip and fall back down to the bottom, and he'd have to start over again.

Last year I said I was a mobius strip. This is basically the same idea, only more Greek Myth geeky. It's a never-ending cycle of waking up feeling sad and lonely, dealing with it all freakin day, often crying by the time afternoon hits. Sometimes in the evening I'll feel better. Often times right before I sleep, I'll start to get that feeling again... sometimes I don't. But as soon as I open my eyes every morning, I'm plunged right back down at the bottom of it all again, and I spend yet another day fighting to get back up... feels like I'm getting no where at this rate.

I used to dream about him nearly every night since it happened. First dream I had was during that first weekend I spent home... we were together again, and happy. That next week, I kept having dreams about him, and we would be happy at first, but then I'd get that familiar "this isn't working" feeling, and I'd wake up actually feeling just about the same way... Then sometimes I'd dream, and he wouldn't be directly in it, but there would be something in it that would remind me of him in the dream, just like what would happen in real life, when I would accidently stumble on old memories... One morning this weekend, I had about 2-4 dreams in which we came back together and were happy, and I woke up each time with a reminder that it didn't really happen... Interestingly enough, the past two nights I don't remember dreaming about him at all, but as soon as I gain my consciousness back, I remember where I am, and my heart sinks back down to the lower levels...

I know they say that nothing helps moving on better than the next guy to come around... but damn, that's gonna be difficult. 1) It's not wise to go around looking for the next guy, to spend all your energy trying to find someone... it almost never works. 2) Because this is the first time I've actually built something with another person, getting over them will probably be harder than any of my other experiences like this. 3) I just might be trying to fill that "Alan-shaped hole in my subconscious," and.. well, if that's my goal, that's not going to turn out so well.
It's just difficult to try to carry on when you can't see where you're going. It's difficult to loosen old bonds when you don't have anything else to hold on to. It's easier to move up a step if you can see that step, and like the direction it's going...

It's Halloween. I'm dressed up as Hot Topic advertisement. Or at least that's what i'm saying I am. All I'm doing is wearing my Sally shirt, my Jack sweatshirt, and my Jack scarf. It's as festive as I get.

Last weekend I went home. Last Thursday my cat, Kitten, was put to sleep. She had a tumor on her leg, and she was going to get it amputated, but it turned out the tumor had spread to her pelvis, and there was really no getting rid of it... So I've only one cat now, and he's the one in the profile picture. I'm missing him more these days... There are just some moments when you really need a cat sitting on your lap and purring loudly as you stroke him.

And I hope midterm on Wednesday doesn't spell out my doom.

Someday...

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

Someday you will be loved

Oh I wish

I wish things were different. I wish I didn't expect so much of people. I wish I had the capacity to settle down when I need to. I wish I was happy again...

I don't know when I'll write the entire story of what happened down here. All I'll say was that despite the many things Alan and I had in common, we were more emotionally different than we thought. And no matter how much we try to patch things up now, it won't work. Who knows if it'll ever work again...

We clicked right away, at first. And I suppose at the very beginning of the relationship, I was a little afraid and reluctant at first, and he was rather eager. Eventually I learned to trust him, and he got established with me. We cared about and for each other. I started to rely on him for many things... and it became more and more apparent that he became unable to provide many of them. Suddenly I wanted the relationship to keep picking up and picking up and growing and growing, and he was starting to slow down a bit. If I tried to slow down for him, I would feel restrained and unfulfilled and disappointed. If he struggled to try to keep up with me, he would feel exhausted and overwhelmed and frusterated. So, as friends, we worked really well... but as for a long-term relationship, something would always be missing... the more I think back on past events, the more it makes sense. I wish it could be different... I really do.

We tried patching things up again, but what we kept getting was a preview into what may happen if we start things over again. We'd be on the same level, then I would ask for more, and he would be unable to provide it, I would be disappointed, he would be frusterated. That tension of that missing element would always be there.

We said we would take a break from each other several times. But then we would see each other between classes, and see each other in the dining hall... it was difficult to stay away from each other. But now (as we stated on Friday morning), we decided to try to stay away from each other for good. To take a real break. To not give into temptation to see each other... to even go out of our way to avoid each other. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Much of my life was built around him, many of my habits were based around him. We shared much of the same friends, and ate with the same people. We did things together, went places together... goddammit.

What I really want is Friday night back. I went to Boffing/Capture the Flag, as Alan's older brother Eric had been trying to persuade me to do for a while (his younger brother too; for a while he was trying to persuade both of us to do it). I was glad I did it. I visited my friend Ryan, whom I hadn't seen in a while, in his apartment in Buchanan Towers (a good 20-25 minute walk from my dorm), we ate dinner, tried to check out a concert on campus that turned out to be lame, chilled out in his apartment some more, then went and played capture the flag. It was pretty fun running around and trying to hit people with padded foam sticks (most of the players were big and strong and sometimes scary guys). Afterwards we hung out in Eric's place and played cards and sat around and talked. I had fun. Lots of fun. I missed Alan, yes. But I was having fun. Ryan and I headed back to his apartment after a while, and we were up till 3:30 in the morning before walking all the way back to Mathes.

Next day, I had just about no plan. I went to lunch at noon and talked with a few people, then decided to go to Ryan's place and do homework. We did for a bit, then decided that we were bored and needed something to do. We caught up to a few people that I recognized from Fairhaven, including Eric's roommate. We went to another person's place and played a bit of Katamari Damacy (which was rather painful--it was one of the first things Alan showed me when we met). I still felt bored and disconnected, so Ryan and I headed out. We watched a few things on his computer, including Supersize Me (y'all should see it too). Then we felt tired--he felt physically exhausted, I was mentally exhausted. I ended up stealing his bed to sleep on, and he slept on the floor (I did feel bad, but didn't feel like debating it). We slept for a while... woke up on and off... till about 12:30. Had lunch at 1, I got back home at 1:30.

I'm still feeling very lonely. I want something like Friday night to happen again. I want to be with a bunch of people who are happy, active, and willing to let me be with them. I want to feel loved again, and I don't want to just sit somewhere and talk anymore--I want to do something. Actually do something. With cool people.

More and more I am beginning to like myself for who I am. But I do wish things were different... I was different, things were different. That I wasn't so lonely...

I want to go home again.

Spammers begone!

So from now on, if you want to comment, you'll have to type out the weird squiggly word they provide for you, so we can weed the spam out.
Yay!

Just let me sleep for a long, long time.

Interestingly enough, no song or poem or any quote from there. Just me talking.

It'll be a while before I can write out the details of what happened here. I've already explained it so many times to various people... not that non of you here don't matter to me, but it's exhausting.

Any support from any of you is appreciated. I know I won't be like this forever. But right now I'd like as many shoulders to stand on as possible.

Thank you all.

... Nobody said it would be so hard.

Sometimes you wait for things to blow over. Sometimes they will. Sometimes they won't.
Sometimes your problems will be solved if they are discussed openly between affected parties. Sometimes they won't.
Sometimes you're sure about life. And sometimes you aren't.
Sometimes people change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.
Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes they come back together.
Sometimes needs are met. Sometimes they aren't.
Sometimes you need to hold on. And sometimes you need to let go.
Sometimes you need to listen hard to those horrible voices in your head. Sometimes you might not like what they have to say.
It's rare that they are wrong.
Sometimes you hurt. Sometimes you feel good. Sometimes you feel weak. Sometimes you get strong.
And sometimes... the thing you are most sure about crumbles.

In other words, Alan and I broke up.

Nobody said it was easy...

Noboy said it would so hard.

Hola! Missed me?

Heh, once I'm active again, it becomes a tad more difficult to just sit down and spill it back out. So forgive me. Yes, I've been relatively active. Been going to classes, doing that one thing called homework, hanging out with Alan, a couple of friends along the way, and spent over a week with a third roommate: Kit's boyfriend, Todd.

So yeah. Alan and have been hanging out alot. And we've been good.

And I'd be lying if I said that right now we're pretty happy.

I don't sense a danger, but we are in a rough spot. The kind of rough spot I'm not used to. I really hope my danger censor isn't broken...

Maybe by the time you all read this it'll all be over. And maybe it won't. The future is fickle sometimes.

I've really screwed things up.