Another month ran off without me...

My computer's been good and fixed, and it's weird not to feel a smoother, worn-down keyboard. But it works all good.
I'm learning more Sweeney Todd slowly but surely.
I love this song, The Mariner's Revenge Song, by the Decemberists.

And as it always is, it's bad for me.

Can I have definite feelings for one thing? Just one? Cause I'm sick of all this ambiguity and mind-changing.
And if I'm not careful I'll give something precious away.

Other than that I'm okay. Things should work themselves out soon... I just never get a feeling that I'm completely out of the woods yet. There's always something new to trip over...

And as usual I'm speaking in code. I don't know when I'll be ready to confess everything. Maybe I never will. Maybe when I'm finally at ease with everything it'll all fall away into the past, where it belongs...

Good for me?

Doing a double major will mean I'll be in school for a good long while.

I'm home this weekend. Hopefully the laptop will come back to life in a week or so. Seeing the furry things has made me happy, and I'm amazed at how big those little squirts of kittens got. Despite their size, however, they still act like kittens. Which means that trouble is not far behind.

I've been borrowing my sister's MP3 player for music sources, and I was listening to the first Third Eye Blind album... it's been a while since I posted a song on here, and some people find that kind of thing annoying.
I need to get out of the habit of apologizing for everything I do.
It's rung a few bells, alot more than it used to. In fact, just about every lyric rings a little bell or two.

I find it hard to fight urges sometimes... as much as I can restrain myself around people for the sake of dignity, some things I have no luck resisting no matter how many times I've sworn them off...

Hey, will you stay awhile.
My smile will not mislead you
'Cause I've been alone, my faith turned to stone
Still there's something in you that I believe in
Close to your pierce
I go wild with fears
Still I let you be
I feel you next to me
'Cause inside I feel
A wind that starts to blow
I'm taken in your undertoe
Everything is fine
I'm lonely all the time

'Cause All I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through
Well is it good for you?
Is it good for you?
'Cause you are the nights
when I don't know where my life should go
Well is it good for you?
Is it good for you?

Hey, child please stay awhile.
My smile will not mislead you.
'Cause I've been without
I go wild with doubt
I grab at you
I can't stop grabbing at you
'Cause I feel you cross my mind in disarray,
Intoxicated ricochet
There's nothing wrong
Just don't take too long

'Cause all I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through
Well is it good for you?
Is it good for you?
'Cause you are the nights when I don't know where my life should go
Well is it good for you?
Well is it good for you?

And then sing that chorus one more time.

I'm not sure who's perspective I am for that to be. Feels like mine and another's at the same time. Like a dream...

On another note, I can't stop listening to Shakira's Ojos Asi. I used to not tolerate her stuff, since she seemed to be yet another prancing sex-on-a-stick for a pop star... but she does have an intersting heritage and a good voice. And goddamn that song is catchy. Plus it's not in english. And sounds very arabic in its roots. Whoo.

Time to find a cat to cuddle with for the night.

My poor little baby...

My poor laptop has been abused. By neglect. By carelessness. By ramen.

Don't spill ramen broth all over keyboard. It'll make the computer so sad that it'll have to be sent away to get fixed...

My friend Patrick says it only gets better from here. Please be right, Pat!

I miss my music the most. I've got White Stripes stuck my head every day, and I want to listen to my favorite Serial Killer Musical... and I keep thinking about all the awesome songs I could be listening to...

The ironic thing was at the time I was trying to calm down from so much stress by talking to my cousin and listening to Neil Young.

Thanks god. that was funny. now hug me?

I am here

Bellingham is "here."
The fourth floor of a fairhaven stack. No elevators. I don't foresee any weight gainage on my body. It really hit me how long it's been since I've really been back. I'm reminded I visited during the summer... That time felt like vacation. This time it really feels like I'm coming home.

Classes have been keeping me busy, so I've got a real excuse for keeping these updates infrequent.

I'm meeting new people here and there, but I don't know if I've truely gained any new friends yet. We'll have to see what this year brings. Maybe I'll start forming a posse of art kids. They do seem cool.

My love life ain't the shizzle. And I'll keep this in my pocket.

My roommate and I seem to be getting along fine so far. We're a bit quiet to each other... I guess we're both just shy.

I've been feeling a bit better in alot of respects. Keeping busy has been beating down the boredom demon, but you know, not all problems are solved by business.

Be like the squirrel, carry one little piece of a problem at a time...

(I've been listening to the White Stripes' "Elephant" album ALOT lately. Es muy awesome-o.)

I just don't know what to do...

A summary my friend gave me about me:

"ok, let's just be honest. you are very clingy. I know that's an ugly word, but literally all the time of all summer that we've both been online, you've been talking to me. No one else does that. It's difficult to disengage conversations with you if I want to do something else. I can't vouch for other people, but that's a reason why I may seem more impatient. It seems like in your mind, some one is either your friend who you can rely on no matter what, or they dislike every part of you and want nothing to do with you."

And they are right. It's not their fault. I've tried and I've tried.But how do I feel?
I feel trapped, I feel hopeless, I feel I will lose all of my friends, and I feel I am undeserving of any friends.

Worst of all, I feel incurable.

Does this ever end? Does it? Does it end alive?

Well I'll be

It's been about 2 years since I started this thing. The blaze and craze of blogging has aged and slowed, and sometimes retired. At least in my circle, it has. I'm sure that every couple of minutes or so there's a new person on here with the brilliant idea of having a blog of their own.

I remember I was reluctant to do this sort of thing at first, thinking that no one would read it nor would anyone be interested in my written down thoughts. For some part, I am right. I hardly know anyone who reads this thing anymore, and I dont' read nearly as many blogs now as I did back then, reason being that the only blogs I really read were my friends'. (I'd like to start reading more blogs from strangers now...) Hardly any of my friends update anymore. I don't update much either. I'm feeling more and more like not recording down every moment that I'm feeling sad, cause for all I know I'll be chipper the next day. Recording events in my life after a while feels like I'm just going down a list of happenings. Once in a while I try to have something funny to say, but to be frank I've just not been very inspired.

Inspiration. Is. An awesome thing. I seem to have dropped mine somewhere a while back and haven't really seen it since... Sometimes I think I've found a way to make it come back but there's still something missing and it won't be convinced to come back unless I find that first... Damn finicky muses.

Blah blah blah anyway, this summer I think will be summed up by boredom, disappointment, laziness, cycles and recycles of depression, breaking with friends, remaking with friends, glimmers of hope, warm weather, good reuniting of old friends (and relatives), reuniting with photography, California, Whidbey Island, and a bunch of pent-up energy ready to be released. It's time to get on a track and start taking those steps that probably should've been taken a while ago... no time to feel fear or inhibition.

And who knows, corners are not see-through...

I move in on the 22nd. The curtains on summer are being closed once again... Here's to bravery and hope.
*Clink*

Part 2: Southpark

This has nothing to do with the California adventure. I thought I'd write a follow-up to the previous entry, but now I don't feel like it. Instead, I'll just say that they lost my luggage when I finally got back to Seattle, but later they found it and delivered it to my door at 1 AM. I guess it had been chaotic since earlier in the week... bloody terrorists.

So I finally found one of those Southpark character creating thingies, and I'd been having fun with it. Later my sister and I went crazy with it. And now I will share my/our creations:

I actually first found a website that did the same thing, but the options were more limited. So this is what I came up with at the time:

After I found the better website, I found things more fitting, and this looks much more like me:

So then I started having fun. This guy is angry and rocking, so I named him Angry Punk Rocker:

And this is Slut HoBag:

EmoBoy, listening to wheaming (whining and screaming) music as usual:

EmoGirl, hurting alot, just like Hope:

The Dude from The Big Lebowski. I'm proud of this one:

Good little Christian Girl. Have a cookie.

Rich Kid, probably the next Donald Trump, judging by that hair:

the Lesbian, that shirt was made just for her:

the Gay Guy, saying as they all do in Southpark, "I'm thuper!"

the PunkAss. Now that I look, he might be British:

JapaneseGirl; OHAIIIYOOOOO!!!!!

GothGirl, I wish I could add combat KickAss boots:
And there you have it. I had my friends and family do the same, it's been fun times.

You should do it too: http://www.sp-studio.de/

California, rest in peace: Part 1

Well, the two weeks are up. I expected them to fly fast when they were done, but it still surprises me to this day how fast these things can go. I'm in the San Diego airport right now, awaiting my flight back up to the northwest. I dont' know about my sentiments last time I was down here, but right now I'm rather sad to go. Partially because the fun was just getting started here, and partially cause I don't know what to look forward to when I come back down. Graham's gonna be gone for school come Monday--I dont' know what we're gonna do about food after then.

11:00. My flight doens't leave for another hour and 40 minutes. I've got a while to go.

California, overall, was a good investment. There was plenty of warm weather, lots of surfboards and floral garb, palm trees, beaches, tropical flowers, and spanish.

My first few days were a little tiring and boring. It was hard being the youngest--by far--for a while. I did get to walk around Del Mar a bit, see the Balboa Rose Garden (a total of twice), see movies, and make cookies. I also got to see my cousin Kate for a bit, but the poor girl was as shy as ever and we didn't get to interact much. I didn't get to see my youngest cousin at all. A few days later I got to see my favorite cousin, and from then on we were always hanging out together.

We had a multitude of adventures, incuding:

*Party on the bed with the animals
*unusual chocolates
*a second dose of Piratety Hot-goodness
*rocking out on a train like dorks
*being train-retards for missing our stop
*my first viewing of the british Pride and Prejudice
*chocolate over-marshmallowy rice crispi treats
*LOTS of home-made ice cream
*Card nerds at the cafe
*Food inspector (thief) Gillie
*Showing Kirsten the the weird side of Dog Breeding
*WAY too much sun and paying for it hours later by being on fire
*Vegetarian Zombies (Sooooyyyy... Soooyyyyyy...)
*Singing all kinds of wrong lyrics
*Being shocked into giggles by the aaaaassssscrrraaaack
*Mucho shopping-o
*I learned how to Smash!!!
*Learning what "Brownies From Da Hood" really means
*Ripping on each other's Moms (but not our real moms)
*The bathroom in which we frame old undergarments, trap men, have velveeta butts, and "Don't talk about toilets!"
*Learning that Pirates of the Pacific have cameras (my kind of camera, actually)
*Seeing Nautical Child Labor in action
*Watching Gregory Peck be CRAAAAZY!
*Our long talks of life, love, (nice) politics, and silliness

I'll miss the state, I'll miss the weather, I'll miss my other relatives, but most of all I think I'll miss my closest cousin. It's a shame we live so far away...

I think I'm gonna close this thing up and get myself a magazine or something before this laptop runs out of power. I'd like some time to listen to music on the plane. Maybe I should invest in an MP3 player...

Oh, and yeah, on the flight down here, there were some stuffed animal snakes. on the motherfuckin' plane.

Well, with luck, I'll be glad to go back home.

Ho, Skank, Loose, Temptress, Harlot, Whore, Libertine, Tramp, Nymphomaniac, Bimbo, Strumpet, Scarlet Woman, and Lady of the Evening...

... along with many MANY different synonyms I found for the word "Slut."

My eyes breezed over an article in the PI today, and the first thing I noticed was the picture, featuring a lip balm labeled "Slut lip balm," the flavoring being "Floozy Fruit." Now, because of the aliterating fragrance name, I couldn't help but think it a tad funny. However, the "SLUT" label is in big letters, and the first thing I felt was uncomfortable, and that part made me roll my eyes and think in a muttering voice, "Goddamn society..."

But the article, as things like this do, intrigued me. So of course I read it.

You may do so here.

Reading it is optional, but it might help with following discussion.
(I sound like an english professor--though I'd probably be requiring y'all to read it and would kick you out of class if you didn't. Snarl hiss.)

So slut--good or bad? My immediate reaction is bad. Bad word, bad lifestyle, bad image. However, this article points out that in today's world, there is a prominent double-standard for that word. I bet y'all have noticed by now that younger and younger kids are getting skankier and skankier. Fashion with young girls and women is leaning towards more bare skin and suggestiveness towards promiscuity. Pop cultural icons are getting to be more and nothing more than a bunch of Tits and Ass with a Pretty Face.
Still.
Women are getting more open and comfortable with their sexuality. For a good long time it was not proper or good for a women to be open with her sexuality, being it from a commited relationship or from swingin' around. And, heh, if a man had seen multiple partners (seperately or all together), he was given pats on the back and status amoung his fellows. So perhaps it's about time that women start get on this kind of status and not be so shamed.

Or not. When it comes down to it, I'm not sure I really like that kind of attitude towards sex from either gender. To treat sex as a thing to have leads to treating people as things to have, and so on. I'd like to believe that the slut image partially comes from our shaming of sex and the human body and so forth. Part of this image is a big "FUCK YOU!" (literally) toward that attitude. While it can be liberating for some people and for some time, it doesn't necessarily lead to a better idea.

The article pointed out that it's starting to be used more as an endearing term and not-so-unclassy term, like "pimp" and "queer." It's used as playful jabs at each other, or as geniune greetings. "Hey slut! How r u? ;) <3" (Freakin' internet) I don't know if I'd casually refer to any of my friends as "slut," but I HAVE used it many times as a playful jab. One of my friends becomes a slut when I can't get ahold of her or when she's unavailable. For no good reason. And there were always those fake arguments/namecalling tournaments, and slut and its various synonyms would come into play (and with some people, they've progressed into really ugly/funny territory, like racism).

I do get slightly uncomfortable when I hear about promiscuous people, though I haven't got much of a clean record. I'm still a virgin (and I don't plan to throw that away any time soon), but I'm not by any means chaste. It may not be such a great thing for me, but I can understand people who are lonely. I can understand the "To hell with it! I do what I want!" attitude. But I've noticed, and maybe it's because of all this cultural stigmas we've placed on such things, that I don't always feel better about myself, nor do I feel any less lonely or sad. I get much happier from non-instant-gratification bonds I make with people. There have been a few times when being physically close with someone had inspired me to become a bit livelier, but I could never keep it up for long.
And I had noticed that these days it was hard for me to really feel something. I've come to realize that what I miss was the obvious--love. Love in general, love from friends, love from someone special, and love during intimate moments. It really sparks it up.

My feelings about "slut" are still mixed. If such a lifestyle makes you happy and you are comfortable with the way you are, sure, I won't slap you around with my personal beliefs. But we all know as we grow older that it is never okay to do something or fit with something purely because other people want you to, or you feel that other people would want you to. No need to show cleavage in every single shirt you own just to feel attractive, nor do you need to wear tiny skirts to be absorbed into the pack of hott chicks.

In the end, I will continue to believe that the general attitude towards sex in our society needs a bit of a repair or two. It is a stigmatized subject, and consequently squirts out the other end as an "I'm so bad I'm good" idea. Sex should not be something to be ashamed of, nor our own bodies. Sexual exploration isn't bad either. What IS important is being smart and being more mature. Sex is for the mature, in more than just body. It is an adult decision, and not something younger people should take lightly. But of course, everyone will have different ideas of what sexuality means to them. Unless it really hurts someone, they have their right to feel and express themselves that way.

It's been a while since I've expressed an opinion on something. Human sexuality, gender, and their relationship in society has long intrigued me. I'm sure my attitude and views have been expressed Ten billionty times, but it's never come from me before!

I'm not in a fucking good mood

So I'm gonna use fuck alot. Deal with it, fuckers.

1. FIRST NAME? You should fucking know this.

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Fuckin' tonight

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, it fuckin' sucks

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Fuckin' meat packing industry...

6. KIDS? Fucking better be a later option

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? At this point, who'd want to be fucking friends with a whiney attention whore who's going fucking emo right now? I fucking wouldn't want to.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? What does this fucking look like?

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? What the fuck is sarcasm?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Fuck no. Lost them at 11. Lead to one of the fuckin' scariest experiences of my life.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? After I'm done fucking myself with a rusty cleaver sideways

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Fuckin' fruit loops.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Don't fuckin' need to.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I'm fucking weak

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? I fuckin' made ginger tonight, but I'll have to go with mint-fuckity-chocolate chip

16. SHOE SIZE? 6 1/2 - 7 1/2. I'm fucking tiny.

17. RED OR PINK? Fuckin' red, cause it's fucking expressive and I'm fuckin' drawn to it

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Hmm, where the fuck do I begin? How about my fucking' pushover, easily lead, self-blaming, self-pitying, attention-whoring, whining, crying, undetermined, unfocused, half-sadistic, emotionally-masochistic, overly-caring, overly-senstive, overly-emotional, too-easily-forgiving, naive, unbrave, fucking-overly-heart-bleeding-breaking self.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The ones who really fuckin' cared

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Fuck if I care

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Fuckin' gray sweats. No fucking shoes

22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Fuckin' cookies-and-cream ice cream. I won't gain a fucking ounce either.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? The echoes of Nine Inch Nail's Hurt in my head. Fucking emotions...

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? The one that no one uses cause it's lame

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Rose.

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Fuck if I can remember. No one calls me. Probably a family member.

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ARE ATTRACTED TO? How fuckin' nice they are.

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Depends.

29. FAVORITE DRINK? Something with fuckin' fruit in it. Not a reference to gay people, fucktard.

30. FAVORITE SPORT? Baseball but fuck if I follow much sports these days.

31. HAIR COLOR? un-fuckin'-changing brown

32. EYE COLOR? Fuckin' brown again.

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Fuck no, my eyes are fucking fine without them

34. FAVORITE FOOD? Fucking depends on my mood... we'll go with watermelon and tons of chocolate for fuckin' now

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? The ending fuckin' better be happy

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Clerks. They used fuck alot in that movie too

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? A fuckin' black pirate shirt

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, I fuckin' hate cold

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Like I can get fuckin' kissed these days or even fuckin' hugged. Fuck.

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Something fuckin' deliciuos

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don't fucking know who's reading my fucking blog posts these days

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Those who don't fucking read the blog, of fucking course

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I've fucking slowed down on reading since fuckin' high school got the fuck out

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have a fucking mouse pad, I'm use the the "fucking lame" touchpad

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Fuck... probably south park with my brother. They use fuck alot too. Mackey says I should use Mmkay instead of fuck. Cause it's the worst word I could say. It'd be kinda funny to do this thing over and use mmkay instead of fuck, but I don't fucking feel like doing that right now.

What the fuck happened to 46?

47. ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES: Y'all should know--Beatles Fucking Rule

48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Depends on your fucking definition of home.

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm fucking artistic and fucking logical at the same time. I'M also good at fucking up and making a big fucking deal about it.

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? April 9th, 1986. Pasadena, CA. I fucking miss California...

Fuck, I don't want to explain. I'm just fucking pissed off... and I desperately want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Cause I'm fucking sick of crying by myself and wishing my pillows would fucking hug back.
I'm fucking tired now. Good fuckin' night, fuckers.

Yummy Bytes

So my friend Josh claimed that he was able to stuff his pizza into a floppy drive and email some to me.
I didn't get any of his pizza. He made me cry.

However, it was inspiration for a rather interesting question for my geeky friends, and I decided the results were postworthy.

QUESTION:
If you could take a pizza* and convert it into a file on your computer, how much space would you say it takes up?

*standard size (medium/large) cheese pizza, with exception of Cameron's answer

ANSWERS:
Josh: I'm not sure, hopefully its less than 10 MB

Eric: I'm gonna go with 16Mb

Justin: well, i would have to say maybe 3.75 GB. but the important part is that it is an exe file, and when it gets run, it eats up 80% of my RAM... pizza occupies all or my mental functions when i eat it

Robert: a platter... drive platters keep getting bigger... so i'd guess well around 120GB or bigger... it depends on what drive

Tom: i'd say around 8 gigs... a movie is around a gig, and if you take a dvd box you can place 8 of em and make sort of a pizza... but realistically, terrabytes of space if you were transferring matter. gigaquads truthfully

Jeremy (friend of Josh): you mean like all the molecular and temperature data stored in binary format?

Camron Sable (friend of Josh): Hmmm... Pineapple's pretty heavy... I'd say e-mailing a slice of hawaiian pizza'd be a few megabites, 4ish maybe

Ryan: terrabytes. lots and lots of terrabytes... like, 60 tiB

RESULTS:
Quite the spectrum of answers, from only a few megabytes to terrabytes. Either way, that's alot of bytes.

If any of you readers have another theory, I'd be happy to hear it.

*UPDATE*
Luan: 6 mb?

The windows open and the little girl dreams...

She dreams that she had the courage to be happier.

Hello blog, it's been a while. I've been afraid of writing about the same things over and over again. Plus I don't think many people read this much anymore. I'm not sure how much I want to reflect on my thoughts or my life or current events anymore. What happens happens. And sometimes it hurts too much to think about it...

I'm 20 years old, I've yet to hold a real job, I don't drive, I still technically live with my parents, and I've just declared a major that I'm a bit unsure about. I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been. Sometimes I go back, and sometimes I almost take a step forward.

Growth is slow. Healing is slow. Sometimes I wish growth could grow quicker, but I know it takes a crisis for something so drastic. And I would like my life to get a little easier, frankly.
Sometimes when you put your life in perspective, things aren't so bad. But I'd like to be self-centered for a while.

I was told that sometimes selfishness isn't a bad thing, that we need to be able to satisfy our own needs in order to be happy with satisfying others. My dad always told me that we're here to serve others--the community, however it may be defined. Which is always a good idea, and I firmly believe it... but maybe he forgot to tell us that selflessness can be too much sometimes. I think I've undergone that fate sometimes... To most, I'm fairly submissive, go-with-the-flow, sure-whatever-you-want-to-do. (My vocabulary needs expanding) I've been rebuked and even scolded at by some of my friends for not being more aggressive with stating my needs and wants. Sometimes I can't help it... it just seems that my needs aren't nearly as important as everyone else's. The way I grew up? Perhaps. My parents do a hell of alot of selfless things too. My mom's a nurse (hectic and demanding job) and my dad's gonna be a lawyer. Not a rich in-you-face lawyer. He's gonna go work with Indian tribes, which will NOT make him rich.

Why do I bother writing these things down? People tell me that it's good to write down your thoughts, that it helps.. but you know what's scary? Sometimes I'm scared to know my thoughts, cause I know exactly what they really are...

I'm so scared of being alone. Is it an irrational fear? It can lead me to do irrational things... like be around people for the sake of being around people.
Can I have real friends who understand me and who will stick by me? Or will I have conviniences for unlonliness for a while?
Can I care about them? Will they care about me?
I'm willing to care about people, so long as they give me reason to care. I like to be caring.
And soemtimes I don't like to be caring. Cause sometimes I feel like the only one, and that's being alone again...
Sometimes I really feel like I'm doing more caring than the other person does. But then again, maybe it's only an illusion. I WANT to care about them, but, maybe even more so that than, I want them to care about me.

It doesn't help that I've still yet to find what will help me through this world. What will spark me up and won't let me down. What'll be the secret to happiness. What'll be there for me whenever I'm in need. What I can do for people.

I don't deserve, I don't deserve, I don't deserve. What the hell DO I deserve anyway?

Three legged coyote's still running...

It's July 5th. After July 4th. I'd spell out significances, but I don't feel like it.

I'm writing on this thing to feel included. It was inspired by one of my friends. I hope he's a real friend... sometimes it doesn't feel like it. No one's really revealing themselves to me... I try my best, but sometimes they don't seem interested in hearing it. So far, in my immediate circle, there's only one who's been interested in me and my past and such... There's another, she and I never really had a chance to bond too much more. And another, she'll be gone next year. And another... but my history with that one is far and gone...

Will I ever be strong enough to rebuild a burnt down bridge? The mountain quaked, the supports snapped, and I cut the last rope. And retied it, and cut it, and picked it up, and dropped it again. It's still lying htere... sometimes I trip over it.

South Park is funnier than I ever thought it would be. I'll need to watch more episodes of that, and Family Guy, and Futurama, and the Simpsons, and all those great cartoons I've missed out on. Venture Bros is great too.

My fingers are moving, my head is tweaking, and my eyes are unhappy with me. My heart's in a sluggy state, though... no sharp pains yet. But something's brewing... something always is. I've carried so many weights now...

It's been too long since I've written, I can't organize my thoughts anymore, I can't draw the way I used to... all my loves are dying. That was emo, gah.

To love, and be loved.
It always comes down to that.

Thanks, Zin

Father's Day cake

This is what happens when you put frosting in a bad and then cut off the tip too much. You get BOLD print.
At least it tasted good, according to those who ate it. It's pumpkin cake with orangey cream cheese frosting, so I would find it rather icky.
But people ate it, so it made me happy.

"Lost"

This movie was okay.
But I was reminded of a scene today.
Stitch opens up the book, manages to be read the word "Lost," and then says it outloud in earnest...

Late at night

Hooray for Nazis!

I just wanted to share

A quote I just had to put down:

If I’m fighting an orc, I’m bloody well covering up my squishy bits!

(From the perspective of a female gamer)

Soundtrack to my life

Found this on my cousin's blog, and you all know how the drill goes. They spread like STDs at a college... a college like WSU or something. (No offense!)
The rules apparently apply to iTunes, if you're like me you're lame and wont' get it, plus your parents signed you up for legal downloading fun like Napster. So I altered the rules a bit.

Here we go:

Put iTunes (or whatever you use to listen to music) on random, ask the question, press next, and see if iTunes answers your question with the songs you get... (don't take answers that dont' make sense)

1. What is missing from my life?
"Crazy Love" by the Allman Brothers Band
Apparently my love life needs to get crazier. Yeah. Right.

2. Will I find love?
"The Fragile" by Nine Inch Nails
Yes, and it will be fragile. Or yes, and I will be fragile. And he won't let me fall apart. I like that last option better.

3. Will I become rich?
"Everybody Wants To Rule the World" by Tears For Fears
So not only will I be rich, but I will RULE THE WORLD!!!

4. Does someone have a crush on me?
"Valentine" by Paul McCartney
So, yes.

5. What is my favorite sexual position?
"A Heart Full of Love" from the Les Miserables soundtrack
I would guess something close and intimate, like spooning or sitting up, or good ol' missionary. And with the implications of Eponine, maybe with someone watching... kinky.

6. Am I good looking?
"Fire" by Jimi Hendrix
Well, fire is hot... so I would assume that would mean somewhere around the vicinities of yes.

7. When am I most happy?
"Dreams" by the Cranberries
Wow... so um, either in my dreams or when my dreams come true. How cliche. Or perhaps I'm happiest when I can see my life changing for the better.

8. What is my biggest regret?
"Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who
Getting fooled, I guess. And having to learn the same lessons over and over... and fooling other people sometimes. *sigh*...

9. How does the world see me?
"Idiots Rule" by Jane's Addiction
Man, that's sad... I hope my music's lying.

10. What do my friends think of me?
"Alive" by Kenny Wayne Shephard
One would assume this means that my friends enjoy my company greatly and appreciate the liveliness that I bring. I certainly would hope this applies to me...

11. Will I have a happy life?
"The Trial" by Pink Floyd
Evidently not. I'm gonna go crazy.

12. How can I make myself happy?
"My Brain is Hanging Upsidedown" by the Ramones
Um... by making myself more crazy?

13. How will I die?
"Bye Bye Baby" by the Baysitty Rollers
Oh man... anyone else familiar with Love Actually? I'm gonna widow a poor man and leave him with my son... that's so depressing

14. Do I act my age?
"Prologue" to "Into the Woods"
Well, this is a musical of many meanings... so here's my interpretation: Maturity comes with experience and journeying, which leaves age to merely a number. With the progress I've made over the years, I'm fairly certain it's safe to say I act my own age.

15. What type of tattoo should I get?
"Wasted Words" by the Allman Brothers Band
Talk of me getting a tattoo will only lead to wasted words

16. What is my spirit animal?
"Horse pills" by the Dandy Warhols
... a Horse!

17. Do I like pain?
"Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits
This is a very lamentful song about people hurting other people, so I'm gonna go with no. I don't like pain. Quite accurate, really.

18. Is there anyone else out there like me?
"Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin
So there are other crazy people out there too?! Sweet! Let's all go out and burn our houses down!

19. Do I love to party?
"Young Lust" by Pink Floyd
Strip Clubs! Orgies! One Night Stands! SO NOT ME!

20. Where should I move to?
"Follow You Down" by the Gin Blossoms
I should just stalk someone and move wherever they move.

21. Am I secretly gay?
"What Happens Tomorrow" by Duran Duran
Nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow. I may wake up the next morning lusting after my roommate. Watch out, Kit!

22. Will I ever be president?
"Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd
It'll bring up all kinds of complications and blur my vision (figuratively) and will push those close to me far away. I don't want to be president.

23. What is fun for me?
"Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits
Totally rocking out, of course!

24. Will I ever learn to fly?
"Let Go" by Frou Frou
When I learn to let it all go, I will become weightless from the loss of my burdons, and will thus fly. So... not anytime soon. Happy Thoughts!

25. What is my superpower?
"Ladyfingers" by Luscious Jackson
Turning uber-awesome-feminine? I hope so!

And now my own entry, the song for no reason: "Life During Wartime by the Talking Heads. Oh David Byrne, how I've missed you...

In conclusion, I will go crazy.

To My Cat

Once upon a time, I was three years old and living in California. Mom noticed a skinny stray black cat wandering around our house, and being the person that she is, put out food to feed it with. The cat grew and gained weight, and after a while started to look like a normal cat. The one day my mom spotted the cat crawl into a bush in our backyard, and later on she saw the cat emerge again--skinny as ever before. There was only one conclusion to be reached--the cat had kittens. So my dad crawled into the bushes and pulled out four tiny little hours-old kittens--two black ones and two gray ones. Mom put them in a small box, and coaxed Bobbie (which is what we'd named the mother cat) into the house. She went into the study, cleared out a low bookshelf, and set Bobbie and the kids up in there with plenty of blankets and soft things.
Mom and Dad tried to keep it a secret from me as long as they could--they were unsure of how a three-year-old would interact with such delicate little kittens; they didn't want anyone to get hurt. Apparently I eventually found them, and uttered the phrase which my parents still quote at me today: "Look what Bobbie did!"
From then on I got to help take care of the kittens--even wash them when they all had fleas. I have vague memories of wrapping them up in towels which made them look like kitten burritos. Mom knew we couldn't keep them all, so she started looking for people who would want to adopt them. We ended up giving the two black kittens away, and in the end kept the two gray ones and Bobbie.
Mom didn't want to give any of the kittens real names at first--she wanted to leave that up to the potential adopters. She referred to the gray kittens by features she could remember them by. One had a broader face, and became the "face kitty," and the other had a broader nose, so "nose kitty." So the funny thing is that those names stuck. My grandma and I tried to come up with better names for them, and came up with "Smokey" and "Dusty." But no, Nose and Face stuck much better.

Both those cats lived for a long time. Nose eventually developed diabetes, and he lived with it for a quite a long time. Eventually though he also developed problems with his Thyroid and eventually became overcome with sickness, so two years ago he was put down.

Face is still with us, and still quite healthy for his age. He's almost 17 now.

If you look at my profile picture, that's a picture of him. But here are some more pictures that I got this weekend:






This is his favorite position to lie in the house
Me and Face:
Something was funny, apparently. Face's face remains straight.

Mother's Day Present

The #1 reason why my room rocks

The view.







This is a picture that my roommate took from our window. You can see the islands across Bellingham bay and the sun going night-night behind them.


I love sunsets, don't you?

First picture--RANDOM AND WEIRD!!!

I found this on Flickr, called "Laughed? Till my clothes popped off.

It feels like years since it's been clear

Things are better. And getting better.
Hardly anything is perfect, but it's getting more balanced.
The sun's out, weather's warm, flowers, birds, trees, color, brightness, blue...
Spring is a good time.
A time for rebirth.

I've had a few rough spots with friends along the way, but nowadays I'm feeling good more than I'm feeling bad.
And I have to say it's quite a relief.

These days I'm not sure what to write about. According to my calender this year, last month was Hobbiton, and this month is Rivendell. Both are places where a story takes a happy break. And not much goes on that is write-worthy. That's what it's been like.

My cousin suggested that I post pictures of artwork I've done recently. And while I do now have a good working camera, I dont' have much artwork to show these days.

But I'm thinking that maybe my blog will be more picturey, and a little less writey.

Or, for now, some song lyrics. I've fallen in love with this song. Finally. Cause my mom was trying to get me to find it and download it for a while.
I know some of you are annoyed when you find song lyrics posted in someone's journal. And sometimes I am too.
But whatever.

My Friends

My friends are so depressed
I feel the question
Of your loneliness
Confide... 'cause I'll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will

ex-Girlfriend called me up
Alone and desperate
On the prison phone
They want... to give her 7 years
For being sad

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

My friends are so distressed
And standing on
The brink of emptiness
No words... I know of to express
This emptiness

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

Imagine me taught by tragedy
Release is peace

I heard a little girl
And what she said
Was something beautiful
To give... your love
No matter what

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

~The Red Hot Chili Peppers

It's been a long and lonely winter

Where am I?

Before I start with the philisophical standpoint... physically I'm in the underground coffeehouse. Right now we've got two white guys rapping. This is western, there are alot of white guys. And sometimes they rap.
And yes, they are still white.

But anyway. I'm actually in a better place than I've been in a long time.

I'm getting back with friends that I hadn't been with in a while. While there's much room for improvement in that area, I have to admit, it's getting better.

I can't count how many times I've used that Beatles reference, but hell, it's a good reference.

(hee hee, poor white males)

But yes, friends. I've been getting closer to some. And I've been getting back in touch with some that I haven't kept in much tough with. There's a bit of a bumpy road with one, and a slippery edeg with another. There's unfinished business with another one... who's kind of a friend. Don't you love those? Those "kind of" friends? Sometimes you'd prefer to leave it at that level. They just dont' seem like the kind of people you could get along with for long.

(holy crap, the white boys are addressing da ladies. They better not be looking at me. I'm not a lady today)

Or maybe the "kind of" friends are people who you wish you could talk to more. And get to know more. But there's just something in the way...

Somedays the hunter becomes the hunted. And not only is that a weird day, it's a bit of a sad day.

(And now there's a girl who seems to be a bit smaller than me, in pink, strumming her guitar. Kind of a generic strum, but oh well. Give 'em all a chance. I like being nice)

More on that hunter bit later, if I get the courage.
I've been talking and opening up more and more to my cousin. Which is good, because I like it when we're close. We sing lyrics to one another. We talk about issues. We vent about males. We share latest trends in our musical tastes.

(Now it's a shaggy poet! He's funny!)

We give each other advice. And sympathies. And if we were in the same space, we'd give each other hugs and food, I'm sure.
And we send each other random funny links when we can.

(I like this poet! He's got perspective and sense of humor!)

The roommate's being awesome too. I think Winter quarter was a rough one.

(Okay, now he's ranting. Rants I can only take for so long. He gets tripped up in the timing sometimes too. And now the quote: "My penis knows where the fun is.")

(More white guys rapping! Hip-hop... it's a genre. A valid genre. But just not my kind of genre. And rarely works for those with the pale skin and the middle-upperclass upbringing.)

I want an Italian Soda. But I don't want to get up right now.

I really hope that spring's gonna bring a lighter mood. You've read my blog entries for the past 6 months. And even before that. I was floating in a thick bitter mucky sludge. And I didn't like it.

I'm hoping for stability soon. I'm getting there. I'm keeping stuff for me more. I hope to get a job soon. I hope that if I move off campus next year, it'll work out.

And hey, I turned 20 on Sunday. To call me a teenager would be incorrect. To call me a young adult would make me feel glad.

I've been actually talking with the Japanese students. Not just observing them, not learning their names from afar and then forgetting them.

(Was that fist in the air reminiscent of the Black Panther Party? And now they're bouncing like bunnies! Panther bunnies! Albino panther bunnies!)

I'm a little tweaked at the moment. I hope someone comes online soon. Seriously, where is everybody? Doing homework? Honestly...

I have alot of self-doubt deep down. It's an evil stickly little bastard demon to fight, as one may imagine.

(I have to give these guys credit. They're better than the first pair of white guys. Pretty damn good, actually.)

(Oh dear, they pull out the immigration bill stuff. I'm tired of political debates.)

Sometimes I want to get out and laze off. Most of the time I want to talk to someone who cares. Somestimes I have the courage to go out on a limb and do something different. And sometimes I just want to cling to the comfy blanket.

(Two boys with guitars!)

And I think that's where I'm gonna leave it for now. There's an update. A really vague one, yes. Too bad for now. I'll let you know when I want to share more details later.

I'm alive, and I might be getting better.

Just a thingie thing

Sometimes I want to stubbornly believe that my life is going down to HellShit, and there's nothing I can do to be happy right now. But then I know deep down that there's always a chance of my life changing right around.

So then later on some good things happen, and I feel happier. But I know deep down there is something that hasn't been fulfilled yet, and I've yet to discover how to do so. So I can have happy moments, but I've yet to really feel completely happy.

Life is never in black and white, and sometimes that kills me.

This weekend was pretty good.

Scar

Picture of one of Maya Lin's initial sketches for the vietnam memorial. Can you believe she won? What a lucky girl.

I had a scar theme going on in Napster. Well, what I started to do was to pick a word, and then search for all tracks with that word in it, and then just pick some ones that either looked good or interesting or just at random. Got some good, interesting, and not so good results.
It's kinda fun.
I wish searching for other things were this easy.

Crying Lion

Found this online. Just thought it was interesting.
Poor lion.
I wish I had a comforting winged dude, though.

Yes, this is Art

This is a piece by Kandinsky. Those who took Humanities at Lindbergh (with good ol' Nicholson) might have a ringing bell in their head by looking at this image.
This was one of the pictures we looked at in the first class of my liberal arts class (called Art and Ideas), and we were kinda just throwing out ideas here and there about it. In the end, we said it was a very emotionally-driven piece, created from a sense of the world that wasn't based solely upon logic and reason.
Call me a dumb butt liberal arts artsy-pants person, but it spoke to me.
We've got alot in common.
I'd just figure I'd share...

(And Johnny Depp's in my class!!)
(and you'll just have to wonder about that for now)

Spring has boinged in

Dead week came and went.

Finals week came and went.

Spring break came and went.

Total:
A B+ in philosophy, a B in Shakespeare, a B- in Anthropology, and a C- in Geology.
Several kinds of cookies made.
Quality time with my cat and my dog.
Permission to be in the art department.
A hang-out time with Michelle at my house, and at the movie She's the Man.
A hang-out time with Candice and her boyfriend, Micah, at the Woodland Park Zoo.
Viewings of Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Wererabbit and Corpse Bride.
Many jigsaw puzzles built.
A computer, finally wrestled to the ground, having a bad hard drive. Replaced the hard drive, and I'm still in the process of reinstalling everything that mattered.
And much anxiety and depression.

That's all for now. Hope your breaks were nice, for those of you in the same college routine.

Chit Chat

This was a good conversation where I got to let things out as they came. I thought much of this would make good blog material, but I don't like repeating myself. So I present to you a conversation piece:

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
hello

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
Hi

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
how're things going?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
thing's are going relatively okay

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
how's the day been?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
not bad so far
: (means I'm still talking) the snow was unexpected

robert :: katamari damacracy says:mm:
lol

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
Kit poked me awake to look at it

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
Joyce to me: "At least it isn't snowing yet." I walk outside thirty seconds later to find snow >_<>parts left out)

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
hey
: it's a month until I'm 20

robert :: katamari damacracy says: awesome!

... ... ...

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
I want a smoothie
: and kittens
: and flowers
: and sunshine--warm sunshine
: and to be listening to Third Eye Blind's second album...
: I'm being really reminiscent with music lately
: going back to stuff I listened to in high school

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
mm

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
hmm... something interesting, and yet a bit frustrating...
: I do get in good moods once in a while
: Keeli and Morgan help alot with that one--I'll miss it when they're not together
: and I feel like I'm on the verge of something..
: but I'm not sure as to what
: this is very hard for me to describe

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
*hugs* something good, hopefully

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
but I keep getting that feeling that if I had found whatever made me happy, I would be thinking about that
: or I would go to that
: whatever it is
: I don't know...
: there's just something out there... and within me... that I can't name or grasp, but when I get my happiest, it's like it's on the verge of blooming, on the very edge of jumping out from whatever it's hiding behind, getting closer to revealing itself...
: and the two things I wonder most are a) what is it, and b) what will it take to bring it out of hiding


robert :: katamari damacracy says:
the more you're happy, will you learn more about it?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
it's like that game I'm sure most people have played, "You're getting warmer, you're getting warmer..."
: I'm not sure
: I do think about things that make me happier
: and but I wonder if there's not one more thing out there that'll unite them all...
: that somehow I can utilize all those that make me happy into one thing
: or at least find something that surpasses them all
: or find something that combines little parts of all kinds of things that make me happy
: I don't know what it is, or how to bring it into light, which is what frustrates me
: and of coures there's a million things in the world to choose from, and although I've favored a few things here and there, all I've really determined is what doesn't work and what i odn't like

robert :: katamari damacracy says
:the only advice i can offer from here is to keep going, persist. you won't find it if you quit and die.

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
but I just wonder if it's close or far, how long it'll take to find it, how long the journey will be in finding it, and how much I'll have to grow and change to really realize it
: yeah...
: some days I really do feel like quitting and dying... there are some days when I feel just hopeless: but today's not one of those days...

... ... ...

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
it took me twenty years to find something that i know will be with me as long as i have all my limbs and wits about it. not even a career, a direction, just a sure thing. one. it's not as simple as if we were forced into things by blood.

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
yeah...
: I just wish I could even find one thing that I'm passionate about
: it's so empty and unfulfilling knowing that I lack a passion
: for as long as I've known my passions have been my relationships with people
: at one point, animals
: I'm not sure I've been really passionate in my art... I think I've more or less expressed passion in my art

... ... ...

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
I was just looking out the window at a cloud floating around
: and thought, yeah, sometimes I get an idea of my source of happiness, but for now it feels like an amorphous blob, not really taken shape
: and that idea sounded vaguely familiar...
: and then it hit me
: ... you've read the Harry Potter books, right?

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
>_>
: no

(So ensues my aghastness that this is true. I'll perhaps explain the idea I had later. The quote I'll save from that part of the exchange is:)

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
we're both legless fiction monkies!
: *ooh ooot ahh ahhh!*

... ... ...

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
wanting new things, but not wanting to stray too far from what I have..
: that's been a struggle with me for a while, now that I think about it

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
mm
keeping one interest and not letting others take over?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
um... more like the feeling of wanting to feel settled and wanting to explore at the same time
: I know if I stay completely stagnant, I won't go anywhere and be miserable
: but dont' just want to break off attachments in search of new ones
: just pick up and leave for the unknown, as it were: in all sense...
: *senses

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
i think i understand better

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
okay
: dont' want to transfer out of Western or just go somewhere different or change too much of what I do, because I've got friends here who I like and depend on and who depend on me
: and it makes me feel somewhat grounded
: which is what I aim for
: I want to feel grounded by something
: but I want to reach out and find new things
: find something that works, for once
: interests of any kind
: I don't know... some of my thoughts don't make sense...
: I don't have a whole lot here, as it is... but what I do have, I value quite a bit

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
value can be relative, though it doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't value
: but it definitely feels much better to be grounded than not

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
no kidding
: I need... some... thing... dammit, it's always like this
:I don't know enough out there to really determine my direction in life
: but I want to finish what I've started here...
: but I don't want to lose precious time in finding out what taht somethingis
: but I don't want to leave..
: but I want to go..
: but aaaaahhhrrrrlrlr lf. mf. f.

robert :: katamari damacracy says
:brain matter tug of war >_<>
And the rest of the converation is alright, but not as important as the stuff I wanted to get down.I think I'll close it for now. Harry Potter reference/insight will have to wait.

Someone's Waiting for you

Possible reasons for this entry*:

a) Anything to keep me from writing that big 8-10 page paper that's due in 2 days
b) I feel like looking at twinkling stars, even though there are clouds in the way
c) The song came to me out of nowhere and I felt I had to write my thoughts down somewhere
d) All of the above
e) None of the above

*Answer at the bottom

Every child has many wishes
That they wish when they’re alone
Faith can work just like magic
Nothing changes when you’re grown

Be brave little one
Make a wish for each sad litte tear
Hold your head up
Though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you

Don’t cry little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’ll be part of the love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright

Have faith little one
Till your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone’s waiting to love you

*Yes, the answer was d. I like multiple choice!

I come with the urge to express myself

It's been a while since I've done a real heart-to-heart with my writing here. It's Saturday, March 4th. January seems ages ago, and February blew by with great speed, despite how slowly it chugged along. In 4 weeks it'll be the 1st of April. 4 weeks by itself seems like quite a while right now, but I know, like many measurements of time we create, it'll feel like it blew by, like the breeze I just felt from an open window, when I am actually standing in the middle of April the 1st.

I had all kinds of thoughts by staring out my window downstairs in my room. I'm up in the computer lab right now, because I'm not sure how long my laptop will hold out. I don't like the view as much. My view downstairs lets me look far out into the world--the neighborhoods below, the water, the mountains and islands beyond, and I could see clouds moving in the distance. Up here I get a wall of trees that grow along Sehome hill. It's kinda acting like a physically manifested mindblock. I need to be downstairs where I can see a bit more clearly.

I keep getting cravings for smoothies.

There. I'm back in my room. On my bed. With my view. And with my roommate's computer. I was kinda stealing it when she walked in the door with her boyfriend... "Can I use your computer?" *guilty feeling* But she's cool, so I'm using it. I'm not quite alone in my room anymore, which is simultaniously a good and bad thing. Oh well.

I'm still alone with my thoughts up here on my bed and a screen no one else but me can see. That'll do.

Looking out on the water, I can see several sailboats taking advantage of the mostly sunny weather. Looks kinda pretty... aesthetically pleasing, in the very least. It reminds me distantly of my grandparents, and being down at their house. I know they have a picture of sailboats somewhere in their house. Damn, I want to cross my fingers in hopes that an opportunity to venture back to San Diego will come my way this summer. I want good things to happen...

Occasionally when I look out the window into the water a much bigger boat will take me by surprise as it comes alone. The little sailboats and motorboats are nice to look at, but they don't give me a... well, an almost shock value at seeing something so big suddenly in the water. Sometimes it's fun to imagine that they are huge sea creatures majestically and ominously floating by. ... One thing I seem to do alot is to put my thoughts in terms of animals.

When I see large bodies of water, sometimes what I really like to imagine is seeing a gigantic aquatic creature/monster briefly breaking the surface, or swimming so close to the surface that you can see its waved outline along the surface. It's a vision of a huge thing that both fascinates me and scares me at the same time. It would be a creature that I would want to run away from and approach and touch--and maybe ride.
It's always fun to imagine, but the sensible part of me knows that such a thing is never likely to happen, especially when it's merely the puget sound that I'm staring across from here. Heck, as far as we know, the ocean doesn't carry too many shock-and-awe-huge creatures, not nearly the amount that we like to imagine about. Still, there's something somewhat fulfilling in letting your imagination be creative...

And once in a while I get a slap in an old, deep wound. Of all things, I think that's what gives me the most pain. Once, it made me the most happy. Everything seems to be a double-bladed sword these days... is there something out there that'll make me happy without the risk of hurting me one day?

Every day I get a Rent song stuck in my head. I kid you not, EVERY DAY. Some days it'll be one song, some days I'll have a Rent DJ in my head. This morning. It's "Without You."

Without You... it rings true. But what's true? Who is the "you" that I really speak of? I could label it down to one specific person, but even since then, there's been other "yous" that I've had to live without. That I die without. Is the "you" just an idea of someone to be with, who will make me feel alright about nearly everything, even for a little while (or a longer while)?
Or maybe the "you" is my idea of inspiration. (Holy FUCK, do the girls on my floor need to be as loud as they are? Nothing personal, really, but SHUT. UP. Especially when I'm trying to have some peace of mind her... oy. Sorry, sidenote.) I haven't felt really inspired for a long time. I get little spurts once in a while, but they seem to die off very quickly. My art reflects that. I haven't been able to create a work of art I've been really proud of for a long time. My best works seem to come from about the middle of high school, when I first started taking real art classes. Maybe the inspiration of finally being able to express myself to someone who would appreicate it to the fullest extent. Maybe being able to do what I do best in my own time by myself was my inspiration. And for a while, during art class, it was true--I didn't really have friends in there. There were people I talked to on occasion, but it was mostly just me there. Just me drawing and painting and otherwise artistically creating. When I did have friends in art, my work did seem to decline a little bit. I do have artistic friends, but I think it's best that I try not to make too many in my art classes. Or ones that I won't talk to too much. It needs to be just me...

Todd and Kit have long gone by now. It's just me again. Me, me, me.

Although just me can be really lonely sometimes, I think it needs to be just me for a while, and more often. I've been so afraid of just me for as long as I can remember... Just me alone never seemed good enough.
Being alone.
It's one of my greatest fears...

The Book has grabbed my attention. It's a pretty good sign when The Book grabs my attention. A bad one when I want to avoid it. I've done both. The Book is one of the books my dad gave me to, well, prepare me for the world out there, now that I've grown older. The other one was The Art of Loving. A very good book. I've subscribed to just about every idea in that book, and I've subscribed to the idea that everyone in the world should read that book. Someone else has my copy... I want it back, but the thought of getting it back scares me like nothing else...
Anyway, The Book. I started reading it many times before, and then put it down and nver really picked it back up again. That's another nasty habit of mine. I've got a painting of a kitten on my desk that I started in January and haven't picked up since then. Many books have been put down and never picked up again by me. The difference with books and paintings is books is that paintings... well, they run the risk of losing whatever inspiration they started with. Then the painting ends up no good. Books, though they can require certain moods, can be read any old time and be just as good as they started with. I am reading more these days... not too much more, but more.
Anyway, The Book. Its full title is The Book On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. Fascinating, no? I think it is, anyway. It's very much a book my dad would love, and definitely a book I would take with me. My dad is pretty much right about everything. I don't agree with every single one of his ideas, but I end up agreeing with most of what he tells me. Maybe it's because I've been raised by my dad for nearly 20 years now, but I'd like to think that I'm independantly deciding that most of my dad's ideas are good ideas. I'm turning into more of my dad every day.
Just the other day I was talking with my brother online, trying to help him with a project for school (that I did myself two years ago), and I started talking about the goal of the project... I can't remember what I said, exactly, but I remember sounding alot like, if not exactly like, my dad.

It's Graham's birthday today. He's 18. Eight... teen. Damn, he's growing up. He's officially a young adult now... I'm not the only one in the house anymore. It's almost too much to really think about... he'll be going to college soon too.
I remember when I turned 18. I remember the day pretty well. I sat in my mythology class, with nothing out of the ordinary happening yet... And my (beloved) 11th Grade US History Teacher, Mr. Rettmann, bedecked with stick-on bows and presenting a bouquet of roses, led the class in a "Happy Birthday" song to me. I remember sinking in my chair. I also remember Michelle presenting me with a birthday sign (because a big trend back in those days was to wear a sign indicating it was your birthday in one way or another... "Kiss me..." was a popular one), this time saying "I'm 18! I can buy you... Nothing! It's my birthday, not yours!" I got funny reactions out of the people around me... I was a little lost myself. It's now that I can fill in the pause with "Cigarettes" or "Porn" or the less-popular "Lotto Ticket." I'm a slow one.
The day otherwise was rather ordinary. I don't remember much else happening. I remember it was sunny. I don't remember what I got from my parents. I can guarantee you my cake was chocolate, but I don't remember how it was decorated. It had 18 candles on it.

I should give my brother a call later. I don't get to see him today, afterall.

Every once in a while the pain comes.
I've got to feel it.
Just feel the pain.
Just me.
No one else here with me.
Just me and the pain.
It's not bad.
It's just me and my pain.
It'll pass... but it has to be there.
I have to feel it before I let it go.

There.

There's a row of sailboats out there now, all going in the same direction. Some have white sails, some sails look a little more tan. Are they in a race?

I've just had some random Harry Potter thoughts...
They were neat. And scary.

It's about 1:30. I haven't eaten anything yet. I missed brunch; it ended half an hour ago. I'm feeling the need to eat something. I dont' know if anything on campus is open. Well, the market is open... but I don't know.
I kind of want to venture downtown. Part of me wants someone to go with, but I don't know if I have anybody. Adria's just about always busy with her AUAP students, as she is an IPA this year. She's really happy, and I'm glad she's happy with what's she's doing. Keeli's hard to predict... and she's always rather busy these days. And stressed. And now's not the time to bother her. Kit went bye-bye with Todd. I don't talk to Sarah and Diane much these days. Don't really feel inclined to be with just them either. Lee I only hang out with in groups and with Kit. Robert went home this weekend. And anyone else... it's too complicated.
Besides, this might be a good exercise in "By-Myself-ism." I could go check out some resturant downtown. Give myself a treat of yummy food. Take a book with me. Take The Book, even. Take the chance of meeting someone new down there. Take the chance of being by myself. Do something slightly scary.
And do something even scarier.

After a shower. My hair is disgusting.

Earlier I saw a shadow of a cloud over the water, and it looked like an underwater silhouette of monsterous creature. A big, terrible, awesome, scary, wonderful creature in the water. It frightens me... and I want to touch it.
Here goes.

Do do do de da da da

... is all I want to say to you.
It's the song stuck in my head now.

Broody Herr.
My computer is being Whiney McBitchMonkey again (I'm coming up with all kinds of new nicknames for it), so I'm sitting in front of "Blakely," one of the computers on the 9th Floor Computer lab in Mathes. It's about 1 in the morning. I wonder if I should go to Philosophy tomorrow. I've still yet to copy down all the notes I need, and I wonder where they left off. Maybe I'll go tomorrow to SEE where they leave off, that way I'll know how much of the posted-online-notes to copy.
Yes, some of you may wonder why I'd bother going to class if the notes are all online anyway. Well... call me crazy, but I'd actually like to learn something from a class that I'd take. I feel guilty when I think about how many classes are taken for "credit's sake." Evidence of a learning experience on paper.
I'd like to think I could get something useful out of it. This is, after all, Logical Thinking. It's what I can be good at. It's not the most interesting, exciting, or practical class I've got (nor is it all that demanding)... but, why the hell not try to pick up something from it?

I've been a ball of stress, again. Computer breakage. Homework from classes to think about (bloody anthropology). Finals coming up in about 2 weeks time. Art Portfiolio to submit. Questioning the closeness of a friendship...

Let's start out with the art portfolio.... I finally submitted mine today!! Robert generously lent me his camera, his computer, and his time to help me out. And I can't be grateful enough--with no camera and a breaking computer and not too much of a sense of how to put it together... I definitely need some assistance. I had to photograph 12 of my best pieces of art, put them in either slides or a slideshow (hooray for powerpoint) on a CD, describe each of them (my inspirations, influences, process, whatever), and submit an application form and a self-addressed envelope. And it's done. The day before the deadline. One less thing I have to worry about!!

Questioning my closeness... Robert and I are good friends. He's one of the most reliable and trustworthy people I've got. I have a hard time drawing the line between good friend and attachment sometimes, and I had a deep down feeling telling me I'm getting too close. I admit, in the past, Robert and I had gotten a bit too close (physically)... we try our darndest best to refrain from any of that now. But we're still close. I just kept getting feelings of regret... the kind I got before I broke up with Alan, the kind I got after close encounters of the Eric kind. I hate to feel that feeling... maybe Robert and I have mild feelings for each other deep down, but I don't want to lose yet ANOTHER good friend... I'd be running out of options for sure. And Robert... well, he really likes having me around. REALLY likes having me around. Losing me would be devastating, and he would wonder if he would stay here, should I go away. I like the feeling of being needed... I REALLY like it, in fact. But my bad feelings would insist on being there. I talked about it with someone this morning, and they said that, even though it's a gut feeling, that I shouldn't listen to it this time. ... which was weird. Because all this time I thought listening to the gut feeling was going to help me in every situation. Relationships, feelings, taking tests, etc. It had never really failed me before.
Robert told me I shouldn't trust them either. So maybe... maybe everyone else is right this time. The feelings have lessened since then. I have decided to stay close to him, it'll probably be better for me.
Thank goodness for friends.

Cause spotting my ex with his new one once in a while is like a good kick to the heart from my ass. It's not the fault of anyone... but it still makes me want to chew my own hand off.

My computer breakage doesn't help either, dammit.

As I said earlier to a friend:
God? Hi. Look, it's really not funny anymore. Doesn't this get old after a while? Couldn't you pick on someone else now?

Oh well. The Beatles told me to keep saying this, cause it's true:
Got to admit, it's getting better...

Stars in the sky

A night sky is big and black. Sometimes that huge darkness can be oppressing. But that just makes the sparkling little dots up there shine and stand out even more.
And now it's time to focus on those little flecks of light rather than the vast dark around it.

Some highlights of last week:

I hung out with Keeli for the first time in a while. It's rare that I get to just sit and talk with her, and I miss doing that. She's a fun person to be around, and talking with her is hardly an effort at all. I very much value people who I can sit and talk with for a while. We were supposed to be studying, but hell, I always make room for sociality. I needs it. We met after class, I helped her solved her Outfit dilema, we studied in the library, we ate dinner with Morgan, and the later that week we had lunch together. I hope she really does take me out shopping sometime...

Robert is still around, and I continue to call him one of my best friends. He's always, ALWAYS willing to listen, to comfort, to talk with, and to laugh with. I hope he lasts a long, long time.
Funny story: last friday I decided to join him with hanging out with the DDR club. I didn't DDR, because as most people will figure (and a few know) I suck popsicles at it. But the girls there (other than being Japanophiles, obsessed with anime) were very nice and fun to talk to. They draw pretty well (other than all they draw is anime), and we had fun looking up not-so-polite Japanese terms. The males there were... well, to be fair, I didn't get to know them that well, but they didn't seem like the most socially-savvy people out there. In fact, Robert seemed to have the most sense. And I'm not getting to the point at all. Though this in itself was a nice story. ANYWAY. Robert, I found out (much to my delight and amusement), adores tulips. My roommate had some on her desk, and he asked and got one, and treasured it all night. He took it to DDR club with him. I hugged him goodbye, and then wanted to wish his precious flower goodbye by touching my nose to the petals.
As I mentioned in my previous entry, the weather has been beastly cold, and very dry. What do you get in cold and dry weather? Lots and lots of static electricity. Usually if I'm handling clothing or touching something metal, I get reminded of this phenomenon.
I wasn't expecting a good shock on the nose from the flower.
Robert and I laughed about that for a good while. It was pretty damn funny.

Last tuesday, as I was on my way to get Keeli into her V-Day Date Outfit (she was borrowing a shirt and necklace from me, shoes from my roommate), I ran into a long-time-no-see buddy of mine, Ryan. He asked me what I was doing this evening (my original plans being "nothing," or "see if Adria's available," or "bug Kit and Jen and watch the Olympics"), and told me Rent was playing at the VU, and asked if I wanted to go. I sounded iffy, but I thought that it might be the thing to do.
Of course, after he went on his way, Keeli started laughing--the kind of laugh that let you know she was suppressing it for a while. "He SO likes you!" ... WHAT?! Ryan? Whom I rarely see? And who's only seemed to express friend-like interest in me? "Oh come ON! I know it when I see it! He asked you what you were doing tonight, he was expressing interest in you. And did you see the way he was LOOKING at you?!" No, I didn't. And if I did, it obviously flew over my head as well as any bird could. We get back to the dorm, she scoffs at my loose-jeans-held-by-a-belt, my Nightmare Before Christmas sweatshirt (which I get many compliments for, thank you very much!), and starts rummaging through my wardrobe for "date-worthy" clothes. And then my roommate's, since I didn't have anything sans the top that I was lending her.
... Okay, I did agree that I would spend time with him tonight, but who said ANYTHING about a date?! He was my friend. My FRIEND! And although Ryan is a wonderful, worthy guy... I just don't have enough interest in him. He's just not the guy. And I dont' want to start yet another half-relationship with a guy I feel lukewarm about. And after attempts by Keeli AND my roommate to Barbie me up (aka dressing me up in what THEY think looks good on me), I put my foot down and say what I wear is what I wear--he's gonna take me like this, because dammit, this is me today.
No, I'm not mad. A tad on the borderline of annoyed, maybe. I can't help but like the attention, I confess. And I don't blame them. However, as wishy-washy and pushovery and passive as I can be sometimes, this was the Aggressive Little Aries coming out and saying "I'm NOT gonna be bossed around this time!" Go me? Go me!
I watched Rent (second time--first was with Kit and Jen in December) that night, Ryan came a few minutes late. For a while I thought I'd been abandoned or mistaken, but good ol' Ryan came through. Afterwards I invited him to my room, where he and Kit and I watched the Olympics. There were little decorating doohickies on the floor, and we sat and arranged them geometrically and artisitically. Our Pride and Joy was a little ever-evolving twisty Pipe-Cleaner creature. It's purpose is to be worn on someone's finger and wiggled near someone's face.
Or, according to Todd's idea, be shoved up a guy's penis. (Females, there's your new threat. Or just share it with the males you know, I personally get a sadistic pleasure watching them cringe when I talk about ways to hurt their manhood. *cute grin laced with evil*)
We also watched Wonder Showzen. Robert and I discovered it two fridays ago after the opening ceremony for the Olympics. A show done in the style of a little kid's show, with puppets, cartoons, and little kids interviewing/getting interviewed/dancing around, ect. Very very sick, twisted, and all around fucked up. And DAMN HILARIOUS!!!
As Robert put it, so horrible, and so wonderful. It's hooking.
Ryan and I had fun with that one. And then he thanked me for spending time with him on that day, because on this special day for significant others, he was alone.
Nothing like being alone together to get rid of that lonely feeling. Thank you too, Ryan.

My academic life isn't really suffering, I've been getting decent scores on my tests. I didn't go to philosophy at all, though. I hope he posts the notes... And I'd better go, too. Tests are important to pass, since we only have 2 and our grade is based solely on those tests. Eeek. I need to get my butt started on that bloody review article for my anthro class. Oy. But I'm not dying!

I'm hopefully gonna get my portfolio together this week. I want to get into that art program... I've been painting and drawing more recently too. Nothing too special... though I'd like to give some of my artwork away...

Being home is cool, too. Only have had to deal with bickering siblings now and then, and unfortunately Graham's not home this weekend. The plan is to see him perform in State (he made it to state!!!) tomorrow in Ellensburg. He's staying in Yakima. From what I hear, Renton sounds beatiful and luxurious next to Yakima. And we had a nice 45 minute long conversation last night, talking about life lately and different things here and there. He told me he'd been talking to many people while he was over in Yakima... my brother being social?! Excellent! He'd been rather anti-social throughout highschool, which made me worry a bit... granted, most highschoolers are assholes and dumbasses and buttheads and Big Dicks, but... well, I was sad his friends were few and he spent the majority of his time reading in a corner somewhere. But here he is, meeting and talking to interesting people (male and female) all by himself. I was worried about him in college... but it looks like that's one more worry I need not have. I be proud of him.
... plus, from what I heard my mom say her friend said her daughter said (who happens to be friends with Graham and is in a relationship with one of Graham's friends)... there's a girl who wants to ask Graham to prom. My brother! Being asked! To Prom! I want to know who... Apparently she's too shy to do it. Poor girl. I hope she gets the guts to do it... though I can't say I can see my brother having fun at the prom (I didn't go to mine, and don't exactly regret it), it would be a good experience for the both of them (and a pretty big ego-booster for Graham--at his age, he would need it). Go for it, girl!

Yesterday I was in somewhat bad sorts, and broke down a few times, and then had a big breakdown in the middle of the night that lasted about half an hour-45 minutes... and no one to talk to. I ended up getting out of my bed in my room and moving to the downstairs couch and sleeping there instead (not that comfortable, but at least I slept). Today has been mostly much better... with emotion being drawn pretty much only at Travis' "Luv." As Robert said, they are an emotion-evoking band. "I want to be held and understood and assured that I am not alone..." was mostly the emotion I experienced.

Be held again, I will soon. I've got someone nice enough to do that for me these days. Be understood, I will. I've got people to talk to freely. Not alone... I am.

I've decided when I get enough money, the first thing I'll do is start shopping for really really nice things to give to my friends. I've been spoiled enough by them already, I just want to give and give and give.

For now, I'll see if I can give them rare and priceless pieces of artwork.