A Night in a Summer Long Ago...

It's summer time, and I wish I were in a warmer, brighter climate. I don't dislike the northwest, but part of me is still tied with the Southern California I knew and grew up in for a little while. I was probably sheltered from alot of what really goes on down there, but I still wish I could see it a little sometime soon...

So, one year ago, I was having a most miserable and lonely and bored summer. I was annoying the hell out of the friends I kept in contact with, and still had problems keeping my urges under control. And paid for it, dearly, emotionally. It sucked.

Two years ago, I was trying to hold onto a relationship that was probably in the process of crumbling anyway. It was over a distance, and taking a toll on me. I still think I had a LITTLE stability in my life back then, but it was becoming more and more evident that... not really.

Three years ago... I think I'd gotten back from Leavenworth by this time? I can't remember, but pretty sure. I think I went mid-July. Since then Candice and I have never quite been the same... I think we've improved somewhat, but it was then I really stopped talking so much to her. It was also before the time that changed/ruined my views of relationships and men forever. So far. I'll forgive him eventually, but it's hard to when I've come to realize how many bitter truths he exposed through his actions about the way people in our society act when it comes to relationships... and then it forever shaped the way I view/act on relationships. Maybe it was bound to happen with the way I was feeling anyway... But damn. Why me.

Been with 7 now, whether in relationships, almost-relationships, or "happenings." Some of them reoccurring multiple times. I think by now I've made my peace, or at least most of my peace, with all except the first one. I haven't talked to him in over 2 years. Don't know if I ever will again. I think about it from time to time, think about how it'd play out, love to sic my newfound guy friends on him... but if not, oh well, I'll rest easy anyway, hopefully.

Alan and I are on pretty good terms now. I don't know if we'll ever be so close again, and I think both of us are thinking, what's the point? I kinda have a sort of resenting feeling of "if he'd open up to me a bit, I'd feel warmer towards him..." and I've kinda felt that way ever since we made contact again back in.... when? I can barely remember. Was it last fall? His break-up with Rachel, whenever that was. When he had 3 exes. And now he's got 4.

Eric and I... slipped into a relationship. Mostly because... well, I was trying to get away from Robert, because I was not satisfied with that quasi-relationship at all. So I selfishly, sneakily moved away from Robert and fell into the hesitant, doubtful arms of Eric, and through strange push-and-pull feelings, we ended sort-of together, than kinda "officially" together, against my personal feelings... and then, we finally decided to ended it, a few weeks ago. I was sad at first. I hate being alone, and single-life isn't THAT glorious, in my experience. I have to defy what others tell me about "living" as a single person. It doesn't seem that much more like "living" than being in a relationship. What if I like being grounded?.... Anyway, long story short, he and I were too different, for reasons that are being manifested to me one at a time, and many of them being very similar to why Alan and I didn't work out.
We had a sort-of relationship when I was unstable from my recent breakup with Alan while back... it was cool and exciting and lead to possibly the most romantic moment of my life, but the fire would not burn on the wrong fuel. We bounced back and forth about 3 times--twice in the fall and once right after winter break. I've nearly forgotten about that, it's so far away now... he's a good guy, really. We'll stay friends, and I hope I won't end up cutting him off.... like my high school friends... Not much more to say about him, really, he and I were pretty straightforward. I guess it's always tough handling someone who's new to relationships... a "noob," as they say in the vernacular... I just hope he took our experience as good lessons. He deserves a good girl.

I wish there was a magical way to mend the drifts from my good friends in high school. Part of me doesn't even want me to make an effort anymore, we're probably so different since that time... I wish friends weren't so full of effort to make. I want it to be all effortless now, like Robert and me...

Robert and I have probably the most dynamic and rollercoaster-riffic relationship over time than of anyone I know. We met, I thought he was a nice, if a little shy. My opinion of him grew to be kinda closed-off and not always clear when explaining things... poor guy, he's never been a good storyteller. And yet once in a while he'll get some fabulous last-minute inspiration and word things in a beautiful way.
During my loneliness after Eric's and my 3rd get-together of my sophomore year, I found a closeness in him... that I regretted soon after. And then we bounced back and forth in a limbo of closeness and restriction... and then I found him to be growing tired of me. In my emotional desperateness, I continued to seek him out and try to find some comfort in him... I think it was my combination of being desperate and clinging onto those moments of his kindness that kept me going through the times where he had been downright emotionally abusive to me. We became more cut-off from each other when Spring came. We were actually okay with each other through some time during that season, I found myself occupied elsewhere, with other people... Summer time threw us through a rocky road again... we had one moment of closeness during the summer, and then it was back to the roughness, back to the resentment on both our parts...
And then a very confusing thing happened. When I came back to school in fall quarter, I resolved not to tangle with him or his friends (including Eric, who was very tired of my depressive antics by that time)... but of course, when I find myself nowhere else to go, I head over... And suddenly I find Robert telling me how nice it is to have me around again, like he sometimes used to way back when... he likes my company, talks to me more freely, doesn't snap at me or be rude at all... .... ... what happened to the Robert I knew? Did he die? Was it his evil twin all along? How did he suddenly want to be my good friend?......
And not only that, but another limboing sort-of relationship sprung up again. At first it started with a one-time incident. And because I was trying to learn from the past, I started becoming distant and cold to him, a defense from the same treatment I was expecting from him. And as I predicted, he acted the same way... And then coming back from another confusing sort-of relationship, we unexpectedly found the truth by opening up a bit: I had been the one to preemptively treat him like dirt, and he started treating me like dirt because of the way I was treating him, and we kept going in that circle... talk about Pride and Prejudice. Another sort-of relationship sprung up from this realization... and then ended in December when I had enough, and could not keep myself happy with it...
And AGAIN, we gave in come January. Kept it up until his birthday, and unforunately the weekend after I had to break my heartbreaking news to him... hardly anything breaks my heart more than seeing someone heartbroken because of me. A week later I found myself with chemistry homework, desperate, breaking down, and needed someone... and he came not unlike a savior. I ended up driving down to meet his family that weekend... I felt rather like a real girlfriend.., eventually, again, my conscious caught up with me, and I had to call it off again, but I was not going to break contact with him, as had been my method up to that point with everyone... Mid-February came along, and in a drunken state, making drunken, pitying promises, I gave in to staying with him... and for a bit, I treasured not being alone, but then it ended after a build-up of frustration and more unhappiness... with my new affection for Eric, at the end of April. I felt bad and massively guilty for it... but at the same time needed something to make me happier. Our relationship as it was had been dissolving for some time, and I could no longer find anything to make me happy about it, other than he was always there when I needed/wanted.
And then, I could've had my revenge right there. He suffering for losing me, sliding right back into a depressive state that had threatened him before in the past, and it seemed the tables had turned. I was stable-looking, he was miserable, he needed me and I felt flattered for being needed. And for what I know now, I feel grateful that I used my power of sympathy for him. I was there when he needed, I comforted him when he wanted, and I spent time with him to make him feel less lonely. I knew I would've given anything for that if I were in his state, he deserved nothing less, especially after being abandoned.... And afterall, we're now great friends with each other. Not just good, great. I hesitate to say best, because having a best friend is... well, too superlative for me. I like great friend instead. Now that Eric and I are done... well, we gave in to urges. We both had it coming. We're lonely, we give in easily, but we can come to terms with it. I've known plenty of perfectly nice people who've done that now, I can forgive myself. It's arbitrary, but I don't think it's THAT bad of a sin... All and in all, we cool.

Moving down the list, Josh and I... well, I found him intriguing and a good potential friend when I first met him. Nothing more than aquaintanceship seemed to happen between us for a long time... didn't even talk to him for a good amount of time. Then, during a lonely time in the beginning of february, I IMed him hoping to make better friends... we spent some time together, after talking about how nice cuddling was, and ended up doing the same thing ourselves... got... very close... forgot myself for a while and started advancing on HIM... something not like me to do... and then he told me he had no interest. Took some time to settle in... but it was painful. He was very attractive, in my opinion... shame that guy still has issues believe he is attractive, but I still think he is to this day... we let the same thing happen again a week later, and I felt not great about it at all the next day... he probably felt the same way. I decided to stay away from him for a while... at least maintain a bit of a distance from him. We had minimal contact for a while, I questioned his intentions alot, just couldn't figure him out...
The end of April, he came over, and I was gonna be firm, not gonna give in, gonna take him in as a friend... he did seem to want to get rather close, and gosh, who I am to say no, ever.... One thing led to another, as they always seem to do, and I ended up going to bed with him... And then I tried not to let it bother me. But the regret set in... not because he wasn't a bad guy. They never really are. But I knew I couldn't let it last, that nagging feeling within my heart, the one that tells apart the good things from the bad, told me no... How many times have I tried to argue with it, like arguing with a parent... Anyway, we stopped for a while, my feelings ended up being hurt because he wasn't interested in me, again, and because he seemed to have little remorse over the whole thing... I still didn't get him.
We ended up hanging out alot near the end of the year anyway, and actually were being somewhat close. The last week of school, we stayed up for a while... I admit to lusting over him again by this time... I was so close for a while, without having anything actually happen
I wonder if it's part of my nature to WANT to be tantalized, to WANT to have something dangled just out of reach, to be teased in such a way that makes me want it even worse.... ANYWAY...
Summer came along, nothing seemed between us again, and then I discovered again what an online physical relationship was. It ended on a bitter note, me regretting and resenting him, not understanding his seemingly lack of remorse...
Over my Junior year of college I learned to stop feeling jealousy over him and my new roommate, and then wondered why he seemed to become more distant, and become more depressed... Only recently, by asking him to be more open with me, have I discovered things about him I never knew before, and am a bit surprised about how similar we feel about things today... and overall, I'm rather glad I have a new friend who's discovering new ways to open up... it's very refreshing!

Ryan was one of those guys I'd have faith in no matter what. Once upon a time I met him in Kit's room, freshman year, as he cuddled up to her roommate Jen, when I discovered it was possible to make new friends at college... never got too much of an opportunity to get to know him personally, just knew he was a very nice, laidback guy who had good strokes of wit and overall was very smart.
Soon after my break-up with Alan, I found myself calling upon him for visits and company... even found myself sleeping in his bed, the first other guy I had shared a bed since my ex-boyfriend... nothing happened, but being so dense at the time, I should've known he had a thing for me. Like, duh, Rowan... February we ended up spending Valentine's day together, at his request, last minute, because we had no one else to spend it with. My friend at the time, Keeli, saw directly into what was going on, told me he LIKED me (me: huh???), and proceeded to start dressing me up for a "date" like a barbie... I don't like that sort of thing without my permission. Like, really don't like it. So don't try it. We saw a school showing of Rent (which he was late for, poor guy), and hung out in my dorm for a while, which he thanked me for spending time with him, with someone who didn't have anyone to share the day with... and then I really began to believe what Keeli told me. Oh crap, what was I to do? I hadn't gotten to know him THAT well, and he was nice guy... but... gosh it's always so flattering, to the girl who once believed herself completely undesireable... I once found myself back at his house for a movie-watching, and slept in his bed, again... and then again at his house, again in his bed, but this time, things happened... and then I felt bad, because they shouldn't have. He talked to me about it later, and painfully I explained that there was no reciprocation of feelings on my part. He always took that so well, no matter what... he never showed me the remorse he felt. I hoped to keep the feelings between us good... we talked quite a bit over the summer, and between my bad luck with the boys I knew during the summer, he was a source of relief, which is perhaps why started thinking about him as comforting thought...
When school started again, he was one of the first people I got in touch with again. We hung out quite a bit, he won the favor of my roommate very fast, we talked about things I'd never been able to discuss with any of my friends before (science!), there seemed to be a connection between us... so I'd like to believe. The stars should've been way more romantic than the feelings I wasn't feeling too much... it felt nice not to be alone, as it always does at first, and was fun to be with someone again, and he was a nice guy.... but gosh, what will satisfy me? I don't even know... I called it off. And then, after an incident with Robert and I, around Halloween, we spent time with each other again... a kiss on the cheek and a drunken halloween party later... my virginity was no more. Do I regret it? Not as much as everyone else seems to. Not terribly different from anything else physical... well, after practice, it turned out to be a pretty damn good experience, but... nothing emotionally scarring. Perhaps I'd already gotten past that stage? Who knows. But once again, no more... it was not good. I left in a huff one morning over something I can't quite remember anymore... I told him to give me time. I was not expecting weeks. In those weeks.... I guess I betrayed him a bit. For Robert, who I seemed to be longing for afterall... After Robert happened, you could say something of a rebound happened between us before winter break. After that... no more. He and I haven't talked much since, but the friendship between us isn't on bad terms anymore. He's the only one who's had a girlfriend since me. A good one, I've heard. I've not met her personally, but she seems like a good girl for him, and I am glad.
I just wished I talked to him more before the year ended, he'll be graduating at the end of this summer... and who knows when I'll see him again. He's a good guy, I'd never have any doubt in trusting him, and I know he'd never, ever, EVER hurt anyone on purpose. Why am I so picky...

Patrick is the only one besides Tyler I don't like talking about much. He was pretty much no more than indicidents of me giving in. He's also a bit pushy, and sometimes will close his mind to what others think and feel and will act on his feelings alone... which is perhaps partially what got him in trouble last year. I won't spill the details or even the main subject here, but he is no longer allowed in the dorms.

I figured one day I'd post The History here... the abridged history, that is. That is all. Writing has become easier since I felt better about things... opening up a little more to people will also make me feel contemplative enough to write about what's on my mind more. Mayhaps Rowan's blogging habit has come back? We shall see, friend, we shall see...

Not the wings I thought I had...

I'm alone again.
Single again. Not all alone, but left with that gaping hole that can only be left when something or someone has been lost. I knew it'd never work out. He was even sure it wasn't going well. I started having more comforting thoughts about my friend ("R") than with him. I was longing for something different, something other than the situation I had, but I was afraid to leave someone, and face my greatest fear. But I had to, I was just never gonna be happy with it, and it was manifesting greatly. I don't want to think too much of it anymore, I just wanna find something to reach to that will be comforting enough... and this time, it won't be just a reach-out to someone else. I'm tired of that cycle...

He's a good guy, just not mine. This has happened too many times...

I've had enough of bad love, I need something I can be proud of.

Is it so wrong to want a relationship this badly and not like being single at all?

I think I ate a magic banana...

... Cause my little wings that couldn't lift my heavy-weighted self have suddenly given me much lift.

(If you somehow caught my awesome reference, then you win 50 gold stars. Don't spend them all at once!)

Seriously, I've taken so many little progressive baby steps, it feels awesome to look around and see how far I've come. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm becoming more accepting of my imperfection. Good, right? I thought so.

It's kinda like being in a very long sluggish line--we've all been there, right? And then you start either talking to your neighbors or just get lost in your own thoughts for a while, and then the next time you become aware of where you are, you're MUCH farther along than you originally were. "How did I get here?..."

I've gotten two jobs in the past year, 2 more jobs than I've ever had in my life. I've still yet to learn how to drive, but I've made it well known to my parents that I wish to learn. Baby step towards the driver's seat. I'm deathly afraid of the idea of driving... but dammit, I'm twenty-freakin'-one. Enough's enough.

I've become so self-aware it's almost scary. I'm becoming more aware of how other people around me feel. I'm starting to trust that little intuitive, almost psychic voice in my head, telling me what's going on or what's what or who's who... it could be a sign that I have a lightning-fast brain power, and if I can learn to keep up with it... man, I'll be a freakin' genius! And hey! Mind's Eye just came on. It's on Wolfmother's album, which is a good one. It sounds kinda like Pink Floyd... damn this is a good band.

If I keep walking to work and doing work at work, then I'll probably become a stronger girl in no time. I'll just have to start committing to Aikido next year so that I'll have anti-rapist powers next. Gotta work on my rolling. Aikido--that's how I roll.

I'm in another relationship. Yeah, I'll admit it now. I still feel twinges of fear and insecurity when I mention subjects of my love life... I desperately want to rebuild my faith in relationships... can a relationship really work between two who, though compatible, don't have too many common interests? Is it right for me to feel so torn? I don't know. And yet I do. But... who knows. I just want to be happier, and to figure things out, and to not be so alone... And it's this guy's first one, so I gotta give him a bit of a break. How far can you push someone to adapt and change, and how will you know it's worth it? Breath deep, seek peace...

My summer has been very unboring compared to last summer. I'm getting paid, I'm seeing people, I'm going places, and there are all kinds of things around to occupy me. Getting motivated to do them is another ordeal... goddamn weeds.

I kinda stink, I'll need a shower soon.

I'm afraid of cash registers. They've scared me ever since elementary school. In those days, different people in different classes would take turns helping out in the cafeteria. Once I was on cash register duty--not a complicated one at all, but I had problems counting out change to people... and got heavily chewed out for it. Ever since then I've been too ashamed to go near one. Plus my simple--SIMPLE--math skills still suck butt. I was once almost crowned the Queen of Proofs in my geometry class and could figure any formula out in algebraic classes, but hell, numbers? They're weird. Plus the one I glanced at, omg the BUTTONS!! SO MANY!!!111!!1!1 AAAAHHH!!!OMGBBQCHICKEN!!!!1111!!1! I'm also afraid of people wanting to kill me for mistakes. Maybe they don't always want to kill me, but I'm so afraid of people even being remotely annoyed at me... I have a complex that involves me thinking I'm not good enough for anything, and people getting upset at me for any reason is another shovel of coal into the fire. Gulp.

I've still yet to learn how to really cook and BBQ, but maybe soon that'll change. Graham and I are BOTH working now. With luck, we'll start taking advantage of any opportunity we have to actually cook something, something really good. I've already taken advantage of many baking opportunities as it is, and I don't intend to stop any time soon.

Lots of people I know were born in July.

I have an apartment lined up for next year--not the cheapest one, but a nice one for sure. I hope we don't have too many problems with it, and that I continue to be a good roommate. I don't like complaints against me, so I don't want to be cause for them!

I hope to gain some new friends next year. I love the ones I have now, and I'm glad to grow closer to those I can.

The skateboard has not killed the bad guy yet. It'll be a while. But learning to fly feels great, even if it makes me feel tired more.