To all who know me at this address:
I moved to wordpress, because, as easy as Blogger is to operate, it's kinda boring. Wordpress offers a few more interesting kinds of layouts, but we'll see if I stay there or not (the interface isn't what I'm used to, or, in my opinion, the best one out there).
Anyway, you will now find me posting on this page.
Thanks for reading!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
LET'S END THIS HIATUS REAL GOOD NOW!
Aaaaaaaaand I'm back! After nearly a whole year! A whole year's worth of stuff gone by... hot damn.
Since I'm still dealing with my chronic depression, and because sometimes I genuinely miss having an online (albeit public) diary, I'm gonna try to actually resurrect this mountain of personal blah blah blah. I may or may not advertise it to my friends or people I know. I may or may not update everyday. I may or may not actually write everyTHING down that's on my mind. But gosh golly gee-willickers, I'll try my dern bestest to actually make that last point happen.
Usually I'd update this thing when I had bad feelings to vent out. I won't stop venting out those bad feelings (in fact, it's one of the purposes of this personal albeit publicly online journal), but I'm going to try to post more positive or comic entries as well. We can't be negative all the time, can we?
A few other things I will try to get this journal to do:
1) I'm gonna really try to get my vocabulary working again and see if I can learn one new word and incorperate it into my entry somehow. As much as I grumbled about it in Ms. Bedtelyon's class once upon a time in high school, I realize now how awesome those words we learned were.
2) I'm going to try not to write so vaguely about things that happen to me that I usually feel uncomfortable sharing with everyone... I'm going to try to write in this journal as if I'm only seeing it, or only the bestest friend that I'll ever have is going to read it. I may or may not use people's real names, though... And I'll try my best not to slander those who read this. Not that I have reason to slander my readers... but what if one of my slanderees becomes my reader?... Shit will go down... it'll be scary.... Whatever.
3) I really don't want this to be mistaken with a whiny teenager's livejournal, so I'll try to write at least a little well. But I cannot guarantee anything.
My next entry will be focused on what happened in one year. This entry will sum up where I am now.
I've been to college for four years, and I've gotten nearly nowhere in my major (biology, stupid art program won't do minors in studio art), so I'm taking next year off. Every student (and most adults) I say that to utterly sympathize with me, which is encouraging. My parents were hesitent, as expected, though they both had done similar things themselves, and they're doing alright now...
I currently work at Trader Joe's, having started last week, and I think I've landed a pretty neat job. The environment is awesome, my coworkers are great, my boss is a good one, the customers are nothing to complain about, and it's freakin' Trader Joe's, only one of the best little grocery joints ever. And the company's good, their ethics and business ethics and treatment of their employees and all. AND I'm being payed rather well for a starter ($10.00/hour). AND I'm getting benefits in four months!
I'm currently not in a relationship. Robert and I have bounced back and forth into pseudo-relationships, and still pretty much don't have the most normal of relationships. I'm grateful that he's here, most of the time, but I've been feeling a vast urge to expand my repertoire of friends lately... after 3 years of pretty much the same person being the only one I've been so open to, and knowing since Day One that he's not, you know, "the one" for me... I miss having other friends. Not necessarily just female friends as well (though I miss having close female friends too), but... I really miss my net of friends from high school. Or at least the feeling of a net of friends...
I've lived in my first ever apartment on my own for nine months now, going on ten, and I'm surviving quite well. I'm waiting for checks to be sent to me at the moment... and kinda wondering where they are. I lived with Michelle and Allie, the former being my roommate in Fairhaven last year and Allie being one of our suitemates, and we got along pretty well. I have private qualms with a few personality quirks, but nothing more. Our rate is $425 per person a month, and even though it's a bit on the more expensive side in this town for a college student, I've learned that it's worth all the money, with it being a good place to live, a 3-bedroom/3-bathroom, balconies, washer/dryer in the unit, and a great landlord who actually knows his shit about running living spaces (He runs at least 3 now). Allie's out for the month doing some theater work back at her home on Bainbridge Island, and then after August she'll move out permenantly (as she will be studying abroad next year), and we'll make room for Caitlin, one of our potential roommates last year and friend of Michelle's (and now mine, of course).
That looks good for now, I'll save more existential stuff for a later entry. I hear chanting outside, it's either cheerleaders or the happiest cult ever.
And now, as it was said on an episode on Seinfield, I'm hungry--let's get something to eat!
Since I'm still dealing with my chronic depression, and because sometimes I genuinely miss having an online (albeit public) diary, I'm gonna try to actually resurrect this mountain of personal blah blah blah. I may or may not advertise it to my friends or people I know. I may or may not update everyday. I may or may not actually write everyTHING down that's on my mind. But gosh golly gee-willickers, I'll try my dern bestest to actually make that last point happen.
Usually I'd update this thing when I had bad feelings to vent out. I won't stop venting out those bad feelings (in fact, it's one of the purposes of this personal albeit publicly online journal), but I'm going to try to post more positive or comic entries as well. We can't be negative all the time, can we?
A few other things I will try to get this journal to do:
1) I'm gonna really try to get my vocabulary working again and see if I can learn one new word and incorperate it into my entry somehow. As much as I grumbled about it in Ms. Bedtelyon's class once upon a time in high school, I realize now how awesome those words we learned were.
2) I'm going to try not to write so vaguely about things that happen to me that I usually feel uncomfortable sharing with everyone... I'm going to try to write in this journal as if I'm only seeing it, or only the bestest friend that I'll ever have is going to read it. I may or may not use people's real names, though... And I'll try my best not to slander those who read this. Not that I have reason to slander my readers... but what if one of my slanderees becomes my reader?... Shit will go down... it'll be scary.... Whatever.
3) I really don't want this to be mistaken with a whiny teenager's livejournal, so I'll try to write at least a little well. But I cannot guarantee anything.
My next entry will be focused on what happened in one year. This entry will sum up where I am now.
I've been to college for four years, and I've gotten nearly nowhere in my major (biology, stupid art program won't do minors in studio art), so I'm taking next year off. Every student (and most adults) I say that to utterly sympathize with me, which is encouraging. My parents were hesitent, as expected, though they both had done similar things themselves, and they're doing alright now...
I currently work at Trader Joe's, having started last week, and I think I've landed a pretty neat job. The environment is awesome, my coworkers are great, my boss is a good one, the customers are nothing to complain about, and it's freakin' Trader Joe's, only one of the best little grocery joints ever. And the company's good, their ethics and business ethics and treatment of their employees and all. AND I'm being payed rather well for a starter ($10.00/hour). AND I'm getting benefits in four months!
I'm currently not in a relationship. Robert and I have bounced back and forth into pseudo-relationships, and still pretty much don't have the most normal of relationships. I'm grateful that he's here, most of the time, but I've been feeling a vast urge to expand my repertoire of friends lately... after 3 years of pretty much the same person being the only one I've been so open to, and knowing since Day One that he's not, you know, "the one" for me... I miss having other friends. Not necessarily just female friends as well (though I miss having close female friends too), but... I really miss my net of friends from high school. Or at least the feeling of a net of friends...
I've lived in my first ever apartment on my own for nine months now, going on ten, and I'm surviving quite well. I'm waiting for checks to be sent to me at the moment... and kinda wondering where they are. I lived with Michelle and Allie, the former being my roommate in Fairhaven last year and Allie being one of our suitemates, and we got along pretty well. I have private qualms with a few personality quirks, but nothing more. Our rate is $425 per person a month, and even though it's a bit on the more expensive side in this town for a college student, I've learned that it's worth all the money, with it being a good place to live, a 3-bedroom/3-bathroom, balconies, washer/dryer in the unit, and a great landlord who actually knows his shit about running living spaces (He runs at least 3 now). Allie's out for the month doing some theater work back at her home on Bainbridge Island, and then after August she'll move out permenantly (as she will be studying abroad next year), and we'll make room for Caitlin, one of our potential roommates last year and friend of Michelle's (and now mine, of course).
That looks good for now, I'll save more existential stuff for a later entry. I hear chanting outside, it's either cheerleaders or the happiest cult ever.
And now, as it was said on an episode on Seinfield, I'm hungry--let's get something to eat!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
God, I HATE it when people put quizzes on their blogs all the time!!!
But dammit, it's my turn.
$5275.00
Lesson: I should shoot myself to get rich quick
I am scientist afterall! The only questions that really threw me off were the astronomy ones, as I had no real classes in astronomy... =(
Also, what bullshit, I learned none of that at 8th grade...
43% Geek
43%
Sounds about right, and I blame the friends I have now for making me that way. YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!
(Please excuse the "free online dating" crap--it was in the HTML and I'm not geeky enough to edit it out...)
$5275.00
Mingle2 - Free Online Dating
Lesson: I should shoot myself to get rich quick
I am scientist afterall! The only questions that really threw me off were the astronomy ones, as I had no real classes in astronomy... =(
Also, what bullshit, I learned none of that at 8th grade...
43% Geek
43%
Sounds about right, and I blame the friends I have now for making me that way. YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!
(Please excuse the "free online dating" crap--it was in the HTML and I'm not geeky enough to edit it out...)
Monday, August 06, 2007
What on earth is my subconscious trying to tell me...
Last week I had some epically weird dreams. I thought I'd share them today.
Dream 1:
So, apparently Justin and I got engaged. I woke up, and there was a ring on my finger, and I knew we had been engaged.
Furthermore, it was not the first time--memories came back to in my dream about our previous engagement. My first clue was that, on my left hand, there were 2 rings--they were blue and looked like they were made out of plastic, but somehow weren't--when I looked closer, they shined and glowed more metallic-like, and I could almost see little images in them, like they were being projected almost holographically. One was on my ring finger, and the other on my middle, and as I recalled the first engagement, I remember I had a pink ring instead (though both my rings on my hand were blue), and I got pregnant and had the kid in my own bed, mom attending to me. Don't know what happened to it either, it was never explained in the dream.
So then I realized I was also married to Justin, cause on my right hand there was another ring. Again, it looked like cheap metal band with a blue stone on it,but as I looked closer, the stone looked very metallic and shiny and glittery, and again seemed to portray holographic images, only they were bigger images and almost seemed to take the shape a cylinder around my hand... and I remember thinking, "Wait... so if I'm married to Justin, does that mean he's not going out with Chisty anymore?"
Eric also go engaged to someone too--It was Cate Blanchett.
So then I asked Justin and Eric why they decided to get engaged. Justin shrugged and said "We just felt like it."
For some reason I got royally pissed off--I think it was because, even though I was unsure about Justin, I thought it meant I was special or something. My anger went towards Eric first. I was trying to claw and hit and and slap his face as much as possible, but the whole time he had this annoying stupid grin on his face, and I knew it was because he were getting nicely sexed up now. I was trying to make him realize how stupid he was, cause apparently Cate Blanchett in my dream was supposed to be a grandma age, and he coudlnt' sleep with someone like that. (We also kept caling her Galadriel in my dream). She was always off to the sidelines, laughing at something too, no matter what was going on.
Then I started yelling at Justin for doing this to me and why he did it "for the hell of it" and all that.. and then suddenly it turned sexual, and my memories fuzz out from there...
Dreams #2 and #3
he first dream I've unfortunately forgotten alot of, but the one thing that does stick out is that Robert and I got very mad at each other and were fighting alot and doing things back and forth at each other to spite one another. The few things I remember was that Robert declared that he was going to marry Glenn. I protested, saying "You can't do that! Glenn and Maia are gonna get married!"But then he said he was gonna marry BOTH of them. I started to protest again, "You can't do that, polygamy isn't... oh wait... dammit it IS allowed!" (Apparently in my dream, polygamy is perfectly alright)
Later on, Robert was an elephant, but the thing he did to piss me off was to take out his eyeballs and stick his trunk through one eyesocket so it would hang out of the other eyesocket. (I know, wtf, I don't know either) Later I was feeling a bit better, and we were talking, and I said to him "You know the part I miss the most about you being human?" He asked, and I said "Human lips!" (I don't know what that was about either.)
Then he was back to normal and trying to throw a mirror I had off a cliff. I also remember trying to help someone turn a department store into a live boardgame. It looked like costco...
The second one: I'm sure more things happend besides this, but the first thing I remmber was someone playing World of Warcraft, and it turned out to be Eric. It was a bit interesting because part of the game was laid out like any online RPG, with a map and a screen with a character on it and all that (and it looked more liek Guild Wars anyway), but part of it was also simultaneously playing out like a movie (it was one of those dream moments where two things were going on at once and acting like one thing...). I was looking over his shoulder, and I asked if it were possible to go to some other land than he was in. He said that because if would involve crossing over a certain range of mountains, it would take forever. So he decided to go an alternative route... but apparently "taking forever" means watching a 10 second cutscreen of the map moving towards your desination. I remember thinking that was stupid...
Then change of scenery: suddenly I was in this room that looked like a large dungeon There was a bunch of people, strange looking people, on choir risers, and there was another person directing them, telling them something. Then one of the crowd holds up something that looks like a mutated chicken foot, and out of nowhere I huge lightning bolt shoots out and hits the chicken foot. So then the guy directing them realizing something bad happened, and said something like "Aqua!" and water burst in everyone's hand, and the chicken foot burst in water and disappeared. I remember thinking "Aqua? what an obvious name for a water spell.."
So then I remember all kinds of weird shit happening. The director guy kept saying we were channeling some sort of god or spirit through that chicken-foot thing, and it was angry because it kept making all kinds of bad things happen to people. Then... another lightning bolt flew out of nowhere and hit this lady, and a sheet flew over her, and there was alot of struggling, and... when she came out... I realized she'd been transformed into a huge penis--one that looked a costume for a b-movie of some sort, you could still see her face in it and everything. Another person suffered the same fate too, and kept trying to walk, but was struggling cause she had balls for feet.
Then I remember a bunch of boxes coming out and taking stuff out of them. We kept taking these big cloth flower prints out, and the woman who was assisting me kept singing out in an operatic voice. Then a whole bunch of boxes with random star wars memorabilia came out--alot of obscure stuff too. I remember seeing a cake in the shape of boba fett, and there were some chewbacca things... Then a box those weird mutated chicken feet came out. Ryan showed up (out of nowhere), took one, and said something sarcastic and Ryan-like about the course of events that the first chicken foot made happen, but I don 't remember what
Then, a complete change of scenery again. I was in van with a bunch fo preteens and teenagers. We had just gotten back from a field trip. I was trying to tell them instruction on how to do something, and they looked very noninterested. Then I was explaining to them how I had to go out and clean something on the van, and got all wet, and then I realized I was wearing a rather thin shirt... Then a bunch of snotty little preteen boys said to me, "So wait, you went outside, got all wet in a thin shirt, and didin't tell us??" and the proceeded to try to grope me. I was looking around for the one person in the van I knew could help me (I hadn't figured out who yet)... and then I woke up, because Robert called me...
Anyone know a good dream interpreter? Joseph, where are you when I need you.
Dream 1:
So, apparently Justin and I got engaged. I woke up, and there was a ring on my finger, and I knew we had been engaged.
Furthermore, it was not the first time--memories came back to in my dream about our previous engagement. My first clue was that, on my left hand, there were 2 rings--they were blue and looked like they were made out of plastic, but somehow weren't--when I looked closer, they shined and glowed more metallic-like, and I could almost see little images in them, like they were being projected almost holographically. One was on my ring finger, and the other on my middle, and as I recalled the first engagement, I remember I had a pink ring instead (though both my rings on my hand were blue), and I got pregnant and had the kid in my own bed, mom attending to me. Don't know what happened to it either, it was never explained in the dream.
So then I realized I was also married to Justin, cause on my right hand there was another ring. Again, it looked like cheap metal band with a blue stone on it,but as I looked closer, the stone looked very metallic and shiny and glittery, and again seemed to portray holographic images, only they were bigger images and almost seemed to take the shape a cylinder around my hand... and I remember thinking, "Wait... so if I'm married to Justin, does that mean he's not going out with Chisty anymore?"
Eric also go engaged to someone too--It was Cate Blanchett.
So then I asked Justin and Eric why they decided to get engaged. Justin shrugged and said "We just felt like it."
For some reason I got royally pissed off--I think it was because, even though I was unsure about Justin, I thought it meant I was special or something. My anger went towards Eric first. I was trying to claw and hit and and slap his face as much as possible, but the whole time he had this annoying stupid grin on his face, and I knew it was because he were getting nicely sexed up now. I was trying to make him realize how stupid he was, cause apparently Cate Blanchett in my dream was supposed to be a grandma age, and he coudlnt' sleep with someone like that. (We also kept caling her Galadriel in my dream). She was always off to the sidelines, laughing at something too, no matter what was going on.
Then I started yelling at Justin for doing this to me and why he did it "for the hell of it" and all that.. and then suddenly it turned sexual, and my memories fuzz out from there...
Dreams #2 and #3
he first dream I've unfortunately forgotten alot of, but the one thing that does stick out is that Robert and I got very mad at each other and were fighting alot and doing things back and forth at each other to spite one another. The few things I remember was that Robert declared that he was going to marry Glenn. I protested, saying "You can't do that! Glenn and Maia are gonna get married!"But then he said he was gonna marry BOTH of them. I started to protest again, "You can't do that, polygamy isn't... oh wait... dammit it IS allowed!" (Apparently in my dream, polygamy is perfectly alright)
Later on, Robert was an elephant, but the thing he did to piss me off was to take out his eyeballs and stick his trunk through one eyesocket so it would hang out of the other eyesocket. (I know, wtf, I don't know either) Later I was feeling a bit better, and we were talking, and I said to him "You know the part I miss the most about you being human?" He asked, and I said "Human lips!" (I don't know what that was about either.)
Then he was back to normal and trying to throw a mirror I had off a cliff. I also remember trying to help someone turn a department store into a live boardgame. It looked like costco...
The second one: I'm sure more things happend besides this, but the first thing I remmber was someone playing World of Warcraft, and it turned out to be Eric. It was a bit interesting because part of the game was laid out like any online RPG, with a map and a screen with a character on it and all that (and it looked more liek Guild Wars anyway), but part of it was also simultaneously playing out like a movie (it was one of those dream moments where two things were going on at once and acting like one thing...). I was looking over his shoulder, and I asked if it were possible to go to some other land than he was in. He said that because if would involve crossing over a certain range of mountains, it would take forever. So he decided to go an alternative route... but apparently "taking forever" means watching a 10 second cutscreen of the map moving towards your desination. I remember thinking that was stupid...
Then change of scenery: suddenly I was in this room that looked like a large dungeon There was a bunch of people, strange looking people, on choir risers, and there was another person directing them, telling them something. Then one of the crowd holds up something that looks like a mutated chicken foot, and out of nowhere I huge lightning bolt shoots out and hits the chicken foot. So then the guy directing them realizing something bad happened, and said something like "Aqua!" and water burst in everyone's hand, and the chicken foot burst in water and disappeared. I remember thinking "Aqua? what an obvious name for a water spell.."
So then I remember all kinds of weird shit happening. The director guy kept saying we were channeling some sort of god or spirit through that chicken-foot thing, and it was angry because it kept making all kinds of bad things happen to people. Then... another lightning bolt flew out of nowhere and hit this lady, and a sheet flew over her, and there was alot of struggling, and... when she came out... I realized she'd been transformed into a huge penis--one that looked a costume for a b-movie of some sort, you could still see her face in it and everything. Another person suffered the same fate too, and kept trying to walk, but was struggling cause she had balls for feet.
Then I remember a bunch of boxes coming out and taking stuff out of them. We kept taking these big cloth flower prints out, and the woman who was assisting me kept singing out in an operatic voice. Then a whole bunch of boxes with random star wars memorabilia came out--alot of obscure stuff too. I remember seeing a cake in the shape of boba fett, and there were some chewbacca things... Then a box those weird mutated chicken feet came out. Ryan showed up (out of nowhere), took one, and said something sarcastic and Ryan-like about the course of events that the first chicken foot made happen, but I don 't remember what
Then, a complete change of scenery again. I was in van with a bunch fo preteens and teenagers. We had just gotten back from a field trip. I was trying to tell them instruction on how to do something, and they looked very noninterested. Then I was explaining to them how I had to go out and clean something on the van, and got all wet, and then I realized I was wearing a rather thin shirt... Then a bunch of snotty little preteen boys said to me, "So wait, you went outside, got all wet in a thin shirt, and didin't tell us??" and the proceeded to try to grope me. I was looking around for the one person in the van I knew could help me (I hadn't figured out who yet)... and then I woke up, because Robert called me...
Anyone know a good dream interpreter? Joseph, where are you when I need you.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
A Night in a Summer Long Ago...
It's summer time, and I wish I were in a warmer, brighter climate. I don't dislike the northwest, but part of me is still tied with the Southern California I knew and grew up in for a little while. I was probably sheltered from alot of what really goes on down there, but I still wish I could see it a little sometime soon...
So, one year ago, I was having a most miserable and lonely and bored summer. I was annoying the hell out of the friends I kept in contact with, and still had problems keeping my urges under control. And paid for it, dearly, emotionally. It sucked.
Two years ago, I was trying to hold onto a relationship that was probably in the process of crumbling anyway. It was over a distance, and taking a toll on me. I still think I had a LITTLE stability in my life back then, but it was becoming more and more evident that... not really.
Three years ago... I think I'd gotten back from Leavenworth by this time? I can't remember, but pretty sure. I think I went mid-July. Since then Candice and I have never quite been the same... I think we've improved somewhat, but it was then I really stopped talking so much to her. It was also before the time that changed/ruined my views of relationships and men forever. So far. I'll forgive him eventually, but it's hard to when I've come to realize how many bitter truths he exposed through his actions about the way people in our society act when it comes to relationships... and then it forever shaped the way I view/act on relationships. Maybe it was bound to happen with the way I was feeling anyway... But damn. Why me.
Been with 7 now, whether in relationships, almost-relationships, or "happenings." Some of them reoccurring multiple times. I think by now I've made my peace, or at least most of my peace, with all except the first one. I haven't talked to him in over 2 years. Don't know if I ever will again. I think about it from time to time, think about how it'd play out, love to sic my newfound guy friends on him... but if not, oh well, I'll rest easy anyway, hopefully.
Alan and I are on pretty good terms now. I don't know if we'll ever be so close again, and I think both of us are thinking, what's the point? I kinda have a sort of resenting feeling of "if he'd open up to me a bit, I'd feel warmer towards him..." and I've kinda felt that way ever since we made contact again back in.... when? I can barely remember. Was it last fall? His break-up with Rachel, whenever that was. When he had 3 exes. And now he's got 4.
Eric and I... slipped into a relationship. Mostly because... well, I was trying to get away from Robert, because I was not satisfied with that quasi-relationship at all. So I selfishly, sneakily moved away from Robert and fell into the hesitant, doubtful arms of Eric, and through strange push-and-pull feelings, we ended sort-of together, than kinda "officially" together, against my personal feelings... and then, we finally decided to ended it, a few weeks ago. I was sad at first. I hate being alone, and single-life isn't THAT glorious, in my experience. I have to defy what others tell me about "living" as a single person. It doesn't seem that much more like "living" than being in a relationship. What if I like being grounded?.... Anyway, long story short, he and I were too different, for reasons that are being manifested to me one at a time, and many of them being very similar to why Alan and I didn't work out.
We had a sort-of relationship when I was unstable from my recent breakup with Alan while back... it was cool and exciting and lead to possibly the most romantic moment of my life, but the fire would not burn on the wrong fuel. We bounced back and forth about 3 times--twice in the fall and once right after winter break. I've nearly forgotten about that, it's so far away now... he's a good guy, really. We'll stay friends, and I hope I won't end up cutting him off.... like my high school friends... Not much more to say about him, really, he and I were pretty straightforward. I guess it's always tough handling someone who's new to relationships... a "noob," as they say in the vernacular... I just hope he took our experience as good lessons. He deserves a good girl.
I wish there was a magical way to mend the drifts from my good friends in high school. Part of me doesn't even want me to make an effort anymore, we're probably so different since that time... I wish friends weren't so full of effort to make. I want it to be all effortless now, like Robert and me...
Robert and I have probably the most dynamic and rollercoaster-riffic relationship over time than of anyone I know. We met, I thought he was a nice, if a little shy. My opinion of him grew to be kinda closed-off and not always clear when explaining things... poor guy, he's never been a good storyteller. And yet once in a while he'll get some fabulous last-minute inspiration and word things in a beautiful way.
During my loneliness after Eric's and my 3rd get-together of my sophomore year, I found a closeness in him... that I regretted soon after. And then we bounced back and forth in a limbo of closeness and restriction... and then I found him to be growing tired of me. In my emotional desperateness, I continued to seek him out and try to find some comfort in him... I think it was my combination of being desperate and clinging onto those moments of his kindness that kept me going through the times where he had been downright emotionally abusive to me. We became more cut-off from each other when Spring came. We were actually okay with each other through some time during that season, I found myself occupied elsewhere, with other people... Summer time threw us through a rocky road again... we had one moment of closeness during the summer, and then it was back to the roughness, back to the resentment on both our parts...
And then a very confusing thing happened. When I came back to school in fall quarter, I resolved not to tangle with him or his friends (including Eric, who was very tired of my depressive antics by that time)... but of course, when I find myself nowhere else to go, I head over... And suddenly I find Robert telling me how nice it is to have me around again, like he sometimes used to way back when... he likes my company, talks to me more freely, doesn't snap at me or be rude at all... .... ... what happened to the Robert I knew? Did he die? Was it his evil twin all along? How did he suddenly want to be my good friend?......
And not only that, but another limboing sort-of relationship sprung up again. At first it started with a one-time incident. And because I was trying to learn from the past, I started becoming distant and cold to him, a defense from the same treatment I was expecting from him. And as I predicted, he acted the same way... And then coming back from another confusing sort-of relationship, we unexpectedly found the truth by opening up a bit: I had been the one to preemptively treat him like dirt, and he started treating me like dirt because of the way I was treating him, and we kept going in that circle... talk about Pride and Prejudice. Another sort-of relationship sprung up from this realization... and then ended in December when I had enough, and could not keep myself happy with it...
And AGAIN, we gave in come January. Kept it up until his birthday, and unforunately the weekend after I had to break my heartbreaking news to him... hardly anything breaks my heart more than seeing someone heartbroken because of me. A week later I found myself with chemistry homework, desperate, breaking down, and needed someone... and he came not unlike a savior. I ended up driving down to meet his family that weekend... I felt rather like a real girlfriend.., eventually, again, my conscious caught up with me, and I had to call it off again, but I was not going to break contact with him, as had been my method up to that point with everyone... Mid-February came along, and in a drunken state, making drunken, pitying promises, I gave in to staying with him... and for a bit, I treasured not being alone, but then it ended after a build-up of frustration and more unhappiness... with my new affection for Eric, at the end of April. I felt bad and massively guilty for it... but at the same time needed something to make me happier. Our relationship as it was had been dissolving for some time, and I could no longer find anything to make me happy about it, other than he was always there when I needed/wanted.
And then, I could've had my revenge right there. He suffering for losing me, sliding right back into a depressive state that had threatened him before in the past, and it seemed the tables had turned. I was stable-looking, he was miserable, he needed me and I felt flattered for being needed. And for what I know now, I feel grateful that I used my power of sympathy for him. I was there when he needed, I comforted him when he wanted, and I spent time with him to make him feel less lonely. I knew I would've given anything for that if I were in his state, he deserved nothing less, especially after being abandoned.... And afterall, we're now great friends with each other. Not just good, great. I hesitate to say best, because having a best friend is... well, too superlative for me. I like great friend instead. Now that Eric and I are done... well, we gave in to urges. We both had it coming. We're lonely, we give in easily, but we can come to terms with it. I've known plenty of perfectly nice people who've done that now, I can forgive myself. It's arbitrary, but I don't think it's THAT bad of a sin... All and in all, we cool.
Moving down the list, Josh and I... well, I found him intriguing and a good potential friend when I first met him. Nothing more than aquaintanceship seemed to happen between us for a long time... didn't even talk to him for a good amount of time. Then, during a lonely time in the beginning of february, I IMed him hoping to make better friends... we spent some time together, after talking about how nice cuddling was, and ended up doing the same thing ourselves... got... very close... forgot myself for a while and started advancing on HIM... something not like me to do... and then he told me he had no interest. Took some time to settle in... but it was painful. He was very attractive, in my opinion... shame that guy still has issues believe he is attractive, but I still think he is to this day... we let the same thing happen again a week later, and I felt not great about it at all the next day... he probably felt the same way. I decided to stay away from him for a while... at least maintain a bit of a distance from him. We had minimal contact for a while, I questioned his intentions alot, just couldn't figure him out...
The end of April, he came over, and I was gonna be firm, not gonna give in, gonna take him in as a friend... he did seem to want to get rather close, and gosh, who I am to say no, ever.... One thing led to another, as they always seem to do, and I ended up going to bed with him... And then I tried not to let it bother me. But the regret set in... not because he wasn't a bad guy. They never really are. But I knew I couldn't let it last, that nagging feeling within my heart, the one that tells apart the good things from the bad, told me no... How many times have I tried to argue with it, like arguing with a parent... Anyway, we stopped for a while, my feelings ended up being hurt because he wasn't interested in me, again, and because he seemed to have little remorse over the whole thing... I still didn't get him.
We ended up hanging out alot near the end of the year anyway, and actually were being somewhat close. The last week of school, we stayed up for a while... I admit to lusting over him again by this time... I was so close for a while, without having anything actually happen
I wonder if it's part of my nature to WANT to be tantalized, to WANT to have something dangled just out of reach, to be teased in such a way that makes me want it even worse.... ANYWAY...
Summer came along, nothing seemed between us again, and then I discovered again what an online physical relationship was. It ended on a bitter note, me regretting and resenting him, not understanding his seemingly lack of remorse...
Over my Junior year of college I learned to stop feeling jealousy over him and my new roommate, and then wondered why he seemed to become more distant, and become more depressed... Only recently, by asking him to be more open with me, have I discovered things about him I never knew before, and am a bit surprised about how similar we feel about things today... and overall, I'm rather glad I have a new friend who's discovering new ways to open up... it's very refreshing!
Ryan was one of those guys I'd have faith in no matter what. Once upon a time I met him in Kit's room, freshman year, as he cuddled up to her roommate Jen, when I discovered it was possible to make new friends at college... never got too much of an opportunity to get to know him personally, just knew he was a very nice, laidback guy who had good strokes of wit and overall was very smart.
Soon after my break-up with Alan, I found myself calling upon him for visits and company... even found myself sleeping in his bed, the first other guy I had shared a bed since my ex-boyfriend... nothing happened, but being so dense at the time, I should've known he had a thing for me. Like, duh, Rowan... February we ended up spending Valentine's day together, at his request, last minute, because we had no one else to spend it with. My friend at the time, Keeli, saw directly into what was going on, told me he LIKED me (me: huh???), and proceeded to start dressing me up for a "date" like a barbie... I don't like that sort of thing without my permission. Like, really don't like it. So don't try it. We saw a school showing of Rent (which he was late for, poor guy), and hung out in my dorm for a while, which he thanked me for spending time with him, with someone who didn't have anyone to share the day with... and then I really began to believe what Keeli told me. Oh crap, what was I to do? I hadn't gotten to know him THAT well, and he was nice guy... but... gosh it's always so flattering, to the girl who once believed herself completely undesireable... I once found myself back at his house for a movie-watching, and slept in his bed, again... and then again at his house, again in his bed, but this time, things happened... and then I felt bad, because they shouldn't have. He talked to me about it later, and painfully I explained that there was no reciprocation of feelings on my part. He always took that so well, no matter what... he never showed me the remorse he felt. I hoped to keep the feelings between us good... we talked quite a bit over the summer, and between my bad luck with the boys I knew during the summer, he was a source of relief, which is perhaps why started thinking about him as comforting thought...
When school started again, he was one of the first people I got in touch with again. We hung out quite a bit, he won the favor of my roommate very fast, we talked about things I'd never been able to discuss with any of my friends before (science!), there seemed to be a connection between us... so I'd like to believe. The stars should've been way more romantic than the feelings I wasn't feeling too much... it felt nice not to be alone, as it always does at first, and was fun to be with someone again, and he was a nice guy.... but gosh, what will satisfy me? I don't even know... I called it off. And then, after an incident with Robert and I, around Halloween, we spent time with each other again... a kiss on the cheek and a drunken halloween party later... my virginity was no more. Do I regret it? Not as much as everyone else seems to. Not terribly different from anything else physical... well, after practice, it turned out to be a pretty damn good experience, but... nothing emotionally scarring. Perhaps I'd already gotten past that stage? Who knows. But once again, no more... it was not good. I left in a huff one morning over something I can't quite remember anymore... I told him to give me time. I was not expecting weeks. In those weeks.... I guess I betrayed him a bit. For Robert, who I seemed to be longing for afterall... After Robert happened, you could say something of a rebound happened between us before winter break. After that... no more. He and I haven't talked much since, but the friendship between us isn't on bad terms anymore. He's the only one who's had a girlfriend since me. A good one, I've heard. I've not met her personally, but she seems like a good girl for him, and I am glad.
I just wished I talked to him more before the year ended, he'll be graduating at the end of this summer... and who knows when I'll see him again. He's a good guy, I'd never have any doubt in trusting him, and I know he'd never, ever, EVER hurt anyone on purpose. Why am I so picky...
Patrick is the only one besides Tyler I don't like talking about much. He was pretty much no more than indicidents of me giving in. He's also a bit pushy, and sometimes will close his mind to what others think and feel and will act on his feelings alone... which is perhaps partially what got him in trouble last year. I won't spill the details or even the main subject here, but he is no longer allowed in the dorms.
I figured one day I'd post The History here... the abridged history, that is. That is all. Writing has become easier since I felt better about things... opening up a little more to people will also make me feel contemplative enough to write about what's on my mind more. Mayhaps Rowan's blogging habit has come back? We shall see, friend, we shall see...
So, one year ago, I was having a most miserable and lonely and bored summer. I was annoying the hell out of the friends I kept in contact with, and still had problems keeping my urges under control. And paid for it, dearly, emotionally. It sucked.
Two years ago, I was trying to hold onto a relationship that was probably in the process of crumbling anyway. It was over a distance, and taking a toll on me. I still think I had a LITTLE stability in my life back then, but it was becoming more and more evident that... not really.
Three years ago... I think I'd gotten back from Leavenworth by this time? I can't remember, but pretty sure. I think I went mid-July. Since then Candice and I have never quite been the same... I think we've improved somewhat, but it was then I really stopped talking so much to her. It was also before the time that changed/ruined my views of relationships and men forever. So far. I'll forgive him eventually, but it's hard to when I've come to realize how many bitter truths he exposed through his actions about the way people in our society act when it comes to relationships... and then it forever shaped the way I view/act on relationships. Maybe it was bound to happen with the way I was feeling anyway... But damn. Why me.
Been with 7 now, whether in relationships, almost-relationships, or "happenings." Some of them reoccurring multiple times. I think by now I've made my peace, or at least most of my peace, with all except the first one. I haven't talked to him in over 2 years. Don't know if I ever will again. I think about it from time to time, think about how it'd play out, love to sic my newfound guy friends on him... but if not, oh well, I'll rest easy anyway, hopefully.
Alan and I are on pretty good terms now. I don't know if we'll ever be so close again, and I think both of us are thinking, what's the point? I kinda have a sort of resenting feeling of "if he'd open up to me a bit, I'd feel warmer towards him..." and I've kinda felt that way ever since we made contact again back in.... when? I can barely remember. Was it last fall? His break-up with Rachel, whenever that was. When he had 3 exes. And now he's got 4.
Eric and I... slipped into a relationship. Mostly because... well, I was trying to get away from Robert, because I was not satisfied with that quasi-relationship at all. So I selfishly, sneakily moved away from Robert and fell into the hesitant, doubtful arms of Eric, and through strange push-and-pull feelings, we ended sort-of together, than kinda "officially" together, against my personal feelings... and then, we finally decided to ended it, a few weeks ago. I was sad at first. I hate being alone, and single-life isn't THAT glorious, in my experience. I have to defy what others tell me about "living" as a single person. It doesn't seem that much more like "living" than being in a relationship. What if I like being grounded?.... Anyway, long story short, he and I were too different, for reasons that are being manifested to me one at a time, and many of them being very similar to why Alan and I didn't work out.
We had a sort-of relationship when I was unstable from my recent breakup with Alan while back... it was cool and exciting and lead to possibly the most romantic moment of my life, but the fire would not burn on the wrong fuel. We bounced back and forth about 3 times--twice in the fall and once right after winter break. I've nearly forgotten about that, it's so far away now... he's a good guy, really. We'll stay friends, and I hope I won't end up cutting him off.... like my high school friends... Not much more to say about him, really, he and I were pretty straightforward. I guess it's always tough handling someone who's new to relationships... a "noob," as they say in the vernacular... I just hope he took our experience as good lessons. He deserves a good girl.
I wish there was a magical way to mend the drifts from my good friends in high school. Part of me doesn't even want me to make an effort anymore, we're probably so different since that time... I wish friends weren't so full of effort to make. I want it to be all effortless now, like Robert and me...
Robert and I have probably the most dynamic and rollercoaster-riffic relationship over time than of anyone I know. We met, I thought he was a nice, if a little shy. My opinion of him grew to be kinda closed-off and not always clear when explaining things... poor guy, he's never been a good storyteller. And yet once in a while he'll get some fabulous last-minute inspiration and word things in a beautiful way.
During my loneliness after Eric's and my 3rd get-together of my sophomore year, I found a closeness in him... that I regretted soon after. And then we bounced back and forth in a limbo of closeness and restriction... and then I found him to be growing tired of me. In my emotional desperateness, I continued to seek him out and try to find some comfort in him... I think it was my combination of being desperate and clinging onto those moments of his kindness that kept me going through the times where he had been downright emotionally abusive to me. We became more cut-off from each other when Spring came. We were actually okay with each other through some time during that season, I found myself occupied elsewhere, with other people... Summer time threw us through a rocky road again... we had one moment of closeness during the summer, and then it was back to the roughness, back to the resentment on both our parts...
And then a very confusing thing happened. When I came back to school in fall quarter, I resolved not to tangle with him or his friends (including Eric, who was very tired of my depressive antics by that time)... but of course, when I find myself nowhere else to go, I head over... And suddenly I find Robert telling me how nice it is to have me around again, like he sometimes used to way back when... he likes my company, talks to me more freely, doesn't snap at me or be rude at all... .... ... what happened to the Robert I knew? Did he die? Was it his evil twin all along? How did he suddenly want to be my good friend?......
And not only that, but another limboing sort-of relationship sprung up again. At first it started with a one-time incident. And because I was trying to learn from the past, I started becoming distant and cold to him, a defense from the same treatment I was expecting from him. And as I predicted, he acted the same way... And then coming back from another confusing sort-of relationship, we unexpectedly found the truth by opening up a bit: I had been the one to preemptively treat him like dirt, and he started treating me like dirt because of the way I was treating him, and we kept going in that circle... talk about Pride and Prejudice. Another sort-of relationship sprung up from this realization... and then ended in December when I had enough, and could not keep myself happy with it...
And AGAIN, we gave in come January. Kept it up until his birthday, and unforunately the weekend after I had to break my heartbreaking news to him... hardly anything breaks my heart more than seeing someone heartbroken because of me. A week later I found myself with chemistry homework, desperate, breaking down, and needed someone... and he came not unlike a savior. I ended up driving down to meet his family that weekend... I felt rather like a real girlfriend.., eventually, again, my conscious caught up with me, and I had to call it off again, but I was not going to break contact with him, as had been my method up to that point with everyone... Mid-February came along, and in a drunken state, making drunken, pitying promises, I gave in to staying with him... and for a bit, I treasured not being alone, but then it ended after a build-up of frustration and more unhappiness... with my new affection for Eric, at the end of April. I felt bad and massively guilty for it... but at the same time needed something to make me happier. Our relationship as it was had been dissolving for some time, and I could no longer find anything to make me happy about it, other than he was always there when I needed/wanted.
And then, I could've had my revenge right there. He suffering for losing me, sliding right back into a depressive state that had threatened him before in the past, and it seemed the tables had turned. I was stable-looking, he was miserable, he needed me and I felt flattered for being needed. And for what I know now, I feel grateful that I used my power of sympathy for him. I was there when he needed, I comforted him when he wanted, and I spent time with him to make him feel less lonely. I knew I would've given anything for that if I were in his state, he deserved nothing less, especially after being abandoned.... And afterall, we're now great friends with each other. Not just good, great. I hesitate to say best, because having a best friend is... well, too superlative for me. I like great friend instead. Now that Eric and I are done... well, we gave in to urges. We both had it coming. We're lonely, we give in easily, but we can come to terms with it. I've known plenty of perfectly nice people who've done that now, I can forgive myself. It's arbitrary, but I don't think it's THAT bad of a sin... All and in all, we cool.
Moving down the list, Josh and I... well, I found him intriguing and a good potential friend when I first met him. Nothing more than aquaintanceship seemed to happen between us for a long time... didn't even talk to him for a good amount of time. Then, during a lonely time in the beginning of february, I IMed him hoping to make better friends... we spent some time together, after talking about how nice cuddling was, and ended up doing the same thing ourselves... got... very close... forgot myself for a while and started advancing on HIM... something not like me to do... and then he told me he had no interest. Took some time to settle in... but it was painful. He was very attractive, in my opinion... shame that guy still has issues believe he is attractive, but I still think he is to this day... we let the same thing happen again a week later, and I felt not great about it at all the next day... he probably felt the same way. I decided to stay away from him for a while... at least maintain a bit of a distance from him. We had minimal contact for a while, I questioned his intentions alot, just couldn't figure him out...
The end of April, he came over, and I was gonna be firm, not gonna give in, gonna take him in as a friend... he did seem to want to get rather close, and gosh, who I am to say no, ever.... One thing led to another, as they always seem to do, and I ended up going to bed with him... And then I tried not to let it bother me. But the regret set in... not because he wasn't a bad guy. They never really are. But I knew I couldn't let it last, that nagging feeling within my heart, the one that tells apart the good things from the bad, told me no... How many times have I tried to argue with it, like arguing with a parent... Anyway, we stopped for a while, my feelings ended up being hurt because he wasn't interested in me, again, and because he seemed to have little remorse over the whole thing... I still didn't get him.
We ended up hanging out alot near the end of the year anyway, and actually were being somewhat close. The last week of school, we stayed up for a while... I admit to lusting over him again by this time... I was so close for a while, without having anything actually happen
I wonder if it's part of my nature to WANT to be tantalized, to WANT to have something dangled just out of reach, to be teased in such a way that makes me want it even worse.... ANYWAY...
Summer came along, nothing seemed between us again, and then I discovered again what an online physical relationship was. It ended on a bitter note, me regretting and resenting him, not understanding his seemingly lack of remorse...
Over my Junior year of college I learned to stop feeling jealousy over him and my new roommate, and then wondered why he seemed to become more distant, and become more depressed... Only recently, by asking him to be more open with me, have I discovered things about him I never knew before, and am a bit surprised about how similar we feel about things today... and overall, I'm rather glad I have a new friend who's discovering new ways to open up... it's very refreshing!
Ryan was one of those guys I'd have faith in no matter what. Once upon a time I met him in Kit's room, freshman year, as he cuddled up to her roommate Jen, when I discovered it was possible to make new friends at college... never got too much of an opportunity to get to know him personally, just knew he was a very nice, laidback guy who had good strokes of wit and overall was very smart.
Soon after my break-up with Alan, I found myself calling upon him for visits and company... even found myself sleeping in his bed, the first other guy I had shared a bed since my ex-boyfriend... nothing happened, but being so dense at the time, I should've known he had a thing for me. Like, duh, Rowan... February we ended up spending Valentine's day together, at his request, last minute, because we had no one else to spend it with. My friend at the time, Keeli, saw directly into what was going on, told me he LIKED me (me: huh???), and proceeded to start dressing me up for a "date" like a barbie... I don't like that sort of thing without my permission. Like, really don't like it. So don't try it. We saw a school showing of Rent (which he was late for, poor guy), and hung out in my dorm for a while, which he thanked me for spending time with him, with someone who didn't have anyone to share the day with... and then I really began to believe what Keeli told me. Oh crap, what was I to do? I hadn't gotten to know him THAT well, and he was nice guy... but... gosh it's always so flattering, to the girl who once believed herself completely undesireable... I once found myself back at his house for a movie-watching, and slept in his bed, again... and then again at his house, again in his bed, but this time, things happened... and then I felt bad, because they shouldn't have. He talked to me about it later, and painfully I explained that there was no reciprocation of feelings on my part. He always took that so well, no matter what... he never showed me the remorse he felt. I hoped to keep the feelings between us good... we talked quite a bit over the summer, and between my bad luck with the boys I knew during the summer, he was a source of relief, which is perhaps why started thinking about him as comforting thought...
When school started again, he was one of the first people I got in touch with again. We hung out quite a bit, he won the favor of my roommate very fast, we talked about things I'd never been able to discuss with any of my friends before (science!), there seemed to be a connection between us... so I'd like to believe. The stars should've been way more romantic than the feelings I wasn't feeling too much... it felt nice not to be alone, as it always does at first, and was fun to be with someone again, and he was a nice guy.... but gosh, what will satisfy me? I don't even know... I called it off. And then, after an incident with Robert and I, around Halloween, we spent time with each other again... a kiss on the cheek and a drunken halloween party later... my virginity was no more. Do I regret it? Not as much as everyone else seems to. Not terribly different from anything else physical... well, after practice, it turned out to be a pretty damn good experience, but... nothing emotionally scarring. Perhaps I'd already gotten past that stage? Who knows. But once again, no more... it was not good. I left in a huff one morning over something I can't quite remember anymore... I told him to give me time. I was not expecting weeks. In those weeks.... I guess I betrayed him a bit. For Robert, who I seemed to be longing for afterall... After Robert happened, you could say something of a rebound happened between us before winter break. After that... no more. He and I haven't talked much since, but the friendship between us isn't on bad terms anymore. He's the only one who's had a girlfriend since me. A good one, I've heard. I've not met her personally, but she seems like a good girl for him, and I am glad.
I just wished I talked to him more before the year ended, he'll be graduating at the end of this summer... and who knows when I'll see him again. He's a good guy, I'd never have any doubt in trusting him, and I know he'd never, ever, EVER hurt anyone on purpose. Why am I so picky...
Patrick is the only one besides Tyler I don't like talking about much. He was pretty much no more than indicidents of me giving in. He's also a bit pushy, and sometimes will close his mind to what others think and feel and will act on his feelings alone... which is perhaps partially what got him in trouble last year. I won't spill the details or even the main subject here, but he is no longer allowed in the dorms.
I figured one day I'd post The History here... the abridged history, that is. That is all. Writing has become easier since I felt better about things... opening up a little more to people will also make me feel contemplative enough to write about what's on my mind more. Mayhaps Rowan's blogging habit has come back? We shall see, friend, we shall see...
Friday, July 13, 2007
Not the wings I thought I had...
I'm alone again.
Single again. Not all alone, but left with that gaping hole that can only be left when something or someone has been lost. I knew it'd never work out. He was even sure it wasn't going well. I started having more comforting thoughts about my friend ("R") than with him. I was longing for something different, something other than the situation I had, but I was afraid to leave someone, and face my greatest fear. But I had to, I was just never gonna be happy with it, and it was manifesting greatly. I don't want to think too much of it anymore, I just wanna find something to reach to that will be comforting enough... and this time, it won't be just a reach-out to someone else. I'm tired of that cycle...
He's a good guy, just not mine. This has happened too many times...
I've had enough of bad love, I need something I can be proud of.
Is it so wrong to want a relationship this badly and not like being single at all?
Single again. Not all alone, but left with that gaping hole that can only be left when something or someone has been lost. I knew it'd never work out. He was even sure it wasn't going well. I started having more comforting thoughts about my friend ("R") than with him. I was longing for something different, something other than the situation I had, but I was afraid to leave someone, and face my greatest fear. But I had to, I was just never gonna be happy with it, and it was manifesting greatly. I don't want to think too much of it anymore, I just wanna find something to reach to that will be comforting enough... and this time, it won't be just a reach-out to someone else. I'm tired of that cycle...
He's a good guy, just not mine. This has happened too many times...
I've had enough of bad love, I need something I can be proud of.
Is it so wrong to want a relationship this badly and not like being single at all?
Thursday, July 05, 2007
I think I ate a magic banana...
... Cause my little wings that couldn't lift my heavy-weighted self have suddenly given me much lift.
(If you somehow caught my awesome reference, then you win 50 gold stars. Don't spend them all at once!)
Seriously, I've taken so many little progressive baby steps, it feels awesome to look around and see how far I've come. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm becoming more accepting of my imperfection. Good, right? I thought so.
It's kinda like being in a very long sluggish line--we've all been there, right? And then you start either talking to your neighbors or just get lost in your own thoughts for a while, and then the next time you become aware of where you are, you're MUCH farther along than you originally were. "How did I get here?..."
I've gotten two jobs in the past year, 2 more jobs than I've ever had in my life. I've still yet to learn how to drive, but I've made it well known to my parents that I wish to learn. Baby step towards the driver's seat. I'm deathly afraid of the idea of driving... but dammit, I'm twenty-freakin'-one. Enough's enough.
I've become so self-aware it's almost scary. I'm becoming more aware of how other people around me feel. I'm starting to trust that little intuitive, almost psychic voice in my head, telling me what's going on or what's what or who's who... it could be a sign that I have a lightning-fast brain power, and if I can learn to keep up with it... man, I'll be a freakin' genius! And hey! Mind's Eye just came on. It's on Wolfmother's album, which is a good one. It sounds kinda like Pink Floyd... damn this is a good band.
If I keep walking to work and doing work at work, then I'll probably become a stronger girl in no time. I'll just have to start committing to Aikido next year so that I'll have anti-rapist powers next. Gotta work on my rolling. Aikido--that's how I roll.
I'm in another relationship. Yeah, I'll admit it now. I still feel twinges of fear and insecurity when I mention subjects of my love life... I desperately want to rebuild my faith in relationships... can a relationship really work between two who, though compatible, don't have too many common interests? Is it right for me to feel so torn? I don't know. And yet I do. But... who knows. I just want to be happier, and to figure things out, and to not be so alone... And it's this guy's first one, so I gotta give him a bit of a break. How far can you push someone to adapt and change, and how will you know it's worth it? Breath deep, seek peace...
My summer has been very unboring compared to last summer. I'm getting paid, I'm seeing people, I'm going places, and there are all kinds of things around to occupy me. Getting motivated to do them is another ordeal... goddamn weeds.
I kinda stink, I'll need a shower soon.
I'm afraid of cash registers. They've scared me ever since elementary school. In those days, different people in different classes would take turns helping out in the cafeteria. Once I was on cash register duty--not a complicated one at all, but I had problems counting out change to people... and got heavily chewed out for it. Ever since then I've been too ashamed to go near one. Plus my simple--SIMPLE--math skills still suck butt. I was once almost crowned the Queen of Proofs in my geometry class and could figure any formula out in algebraic classes, but hell, numbers? They're weird. Plus the one I glanced at, omg the BUTTONS!! SO MANY!!!111!!1!1 AAAAHHH!!!OMGBBQCHICKEN!!!!1111!!1! I'm also afraid of people wanting to kill me for mistakes. Maybe they don't always want to kill me, but I'm so afraid of people even being remotely annoyed at me... I have a complex that involves me thinking I'm not good enough for anything, and people getting upset at me for any reason is another shovel of coal into the fire. Gulp.
I've still yet to learn how to really cook and BBQ, but maybe soon that'll change. Graham and I are BOTH working now. With luck, we'll start taking advantage of any opportunity we have to actually cook something, something really good. I've already taken advantage of many baking opportunities as it is, and I don't intend to stop any time soon.
Lots of people I know were born in July.
I have an apartment lined up for next year--not the cheapest one, but a nice one for sure. I hope we don't have too many problems with it, and that I continue to be a good roommate. I don't like complaints against me, so I don't want to be cause for them!
I hope to gain some new friends next year. I love the ones I have now, and I'm glad to grow closer to those I can.
The skateboard has not killed the bad guy yet. It'll be a while. But learning to fly feels great, even if it makes me feel tired more.
(If you somehow caught my awesome reference, then you win 50 gold stars. Don't spend them all at once!)
Seriously, I've taken so many little progressive baby steps, it feels awesome to look around and see how far I've come. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm becoming more accepting of my imperfection. Good, right? I thought so.
It's kinda like being in a very long sluggish line--we've all been there, right? And then you start either talking to your neighbors or just get lost in your own thoughts for a while, and then the next time you become aware of where you are, you're MUCH farther along than you originally were. "How did I get here?..."
I've gotten two jobs in the past year, 2 more jobs than I've ever had in my life. I've still yet to learn how to drive, but I've made it well known to my parents that I wish to learn. Baby step towards the driver's seat. I'm deathly afraid of the idea of driving... but dammit, I'm twenty-freakin'-one. Enough's enough.
I've become so self-aware it's almost scary. I'm becoming more aware of how other people around me feel. I'm starting to trust that little intuitive, almost psychic voice in my head, telling me what's going on or what's what or who's who... it could be a sign that I have a lightning-fast brain power, and if I can learn to keep up with it... man, I'll be a freakin' genius! And hey! Mind's Eye just came on. It's on Wolfmother's album, which is a good one. It sounds kinda like Pink Floyd... damn this is a good band.
If I keep walking to work and doing work at work, then I'll probably become a stronger girl in no time. I'll just have to start committing to Aikido next year so that I'll have anti-rapist powers next. Gotta work on my rolling. Aikido--that's how I roll.
I'm in another relationship. Yeah, I'll admit it now. I still feel twinges of fear and insecurity when I mention subjects of my love life... I desperately want to rebuild my faith in relationships... can a relationship really work between two who, though compatible, don't have too many common interests? Is it right for me to feel so torn? I don't know. And yet I do. But... who knows. I just want to be happier, and to figure things out, and to not be so alone... And it's this guy's first one, so I gotta give him a bit of a break. How far can you push someone to adapt and change, and how will you know it's worth it? Breath deep, seek peace...
My summer has been very unboring compared to last summer. I'm getting paid, I'm seeing people, I'm going places, and there are all kinds of things around to occupy me. Getting motivated to do them is another ordeal... goddamn weeds.
I kinda stink, I'll need a shower soon.
I'm afraid of cash registers. They've scared me ever since elementary school. In those days, different people in different classes would take turns helping out in the cafeteria. Once I was on cash register duty--not a complicated one at all, but I had problems counting out change to people... and got heavily chewed out for it. Ever since then I've been too ashamed to go near one. Plus my simple--SIMPLE--math skills still suck butt. I was once almost crowned the Queen of Proofs in my geometry class and could figure any formula out in algebraic classes, but hell, numbers? They're weird. Plus the one I glanced at, omg the BUTTONS!! SO MANY!!!111!!1!1 AAAAHHH!!!OMGBBQCHICKEN!!!!1111!!1! I'm also afraid of people wanting to kill me for mistakes. Maybe they don't always want to kill me, but I'm so afraid of people even being remotely annoyed at me... I have a complex that involves me thinking I'm not good enough for anything, and people getting upset at me for any reason is another shovel of coal into the fire. Gulp.
I've still yet to learn how to really cook and BBQ, but maybe soon that'll change. Graham and I are BOTH working now. With luck, we'll start taking advantage of any opportunity we have to actually cook something, something really good. I've already taken advantage of many baking opportunities as it is, and I don't intend to stop any time soon.
Lots of people I know were born in July.
I have an apartment lined up for next year--not the cheapest one, but a nice one for sure. I hope we don't have too many problems with it, and that I continue to be a good roommate. I don't like complaints against me, so I don't want to be cause for them!
I hope to gain some new friends next year. I love the ones I have now, and I'm glad to grow closer to those I can.
The skateboard has not killed the bad guy yet. It'll be a while. But learning to fly feels great, even if it makes me feel tired more.
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