"Happy... HAPPY! Hhha-a-a-a!"

You know what's really good?
A dulcid, delicious, SCRUMTRULESCENT (sp? lol, for those of you familiar with Will Ferrell on SNL...) Italian soda! I had my first one the night before I left for B'ham, at Olive Garden. I had another one when we went to Olive Garden again, the weekend my fam came to visit, near my brother's birthday. And then I found out that they sell them at a coffee shop in the Viking Union... SWEET! I'm totally addicted! But I should probably stop soon... First of all, I don't have that many flex points (money to buy goodies like the around campus) left... the majority of them have gone to these wonderful drinks! Second, I always get them with both cream in them and whipped cream on top... if I keep that up my jeans might start squeezing me a bit. (Although I'm sure some of you would be thrilled to see that happen!)
Today I had an orange one; nummy! My first was a raspberry, which I think might still be my favorite. I've also had blackberry; very good. And yesterday I had an almond... my tongue said "Gratzi!" for that slice of wonderfulness! (Sounds like one of those cheesy lines you'd hear in an advertisement) But yes, I've made room in my heart for Italian sodas, right alongside chocolate, flower-flavored things (yes, it's true! They do exist), doughnuts, root beer floats, marshmallows... etc.
Ha ha, earlier, when I told how much I love Italian sodas to Luan, he said that they were like the white person's equivilent to bubble tea! As my brother said, more like bubble tea is the Asian's equilivilent to Italian sodas! lol...

I've noticed something about the way I punctuate my sentances/questions/phrases/etc. First off, I notice that hardly anyone that uses a semicolon; I was taught how to do so in 6th grade and was surprised later in high school that not many people knew how to use one. I didn't use them too often at first; they only helped me every once in a while on my essays. But what's really funny is that my use for them rose significantly after I read Wuthering Heights, since in just about every other sentance on is used. I don't really use them to look or sound smart; I just find them very useful for linking two independant clauses into one sentance.

Another thing I picked up for Wuthering Heights is the "--". I totally forget what's it's called--actually I know how to say it, but not how to spell it. So for the sake of not looking stupid, I'll leave you to wonder. So this little device can be used to interrupt a sentence--like a parentheses, but instead of being an "aside" interruption, it interrupts right out--like this. Anyway, for someone who's mind tends to wander and race in all directions, it is very employable--it's also very good for those who like to go on and on and on and make their sentences big and fat--like me!--in the context of sentences AND my bodily structure!

So the next one is something that I use to the point where I wish there was another punctiation mark like it... called the elipses...("Dot dot dot" for you H*R fans!) It can mean many things: A large, significant pause in a sentence or thought... a sign of waiting... a thought or sentence that trails off... Looking back on my other entries, I think it has to be one of my favorite punctuation marks... It's so simple, yet it can be very useful... if you wanna be vague... or sad... or confused... or if you're waiting for someone to pick up on your innuendo... I also use this alot for IM converastions, as some of you know...

Alright, I'm sure many, if not every last bleedin' one of you is sick of the grammatical lesson for the day. But hey, I hope that those of you who are nerds can see where I'm coming from, and at least appreciate it! Oh, and didn't you guys just LOVE how I incorperated those certain punctation marks into their appropriate paragraphs?! Oh, the cleverness of me!

I just came back from Math--EARLY!! Hooray for an easy class! And my philosophy midterm... I was so worried yesterday. I wanted to study for it as soon as my math final was over, but I ended up starting to after dinner (Ooh! Awesome story about that too! To be told later... let's see if I can focus on one story at a time!). There were practice midterms online, but... I found out that you needed Adobe Reader to open them. Or rather, Luan, who was online at the time, told me so when I panicked to him about it. I then had to download the software from Adobe's website... It was taking a looooooong time. In fact, the total time would take nearly two hours! HOLY CRAP! But then Luan came to my rescue again and sent me a file containing the software, which only took around 5 to 10 mintues to get here. Hooray! (Special thanks to Luan for being my knight in shining armor there!) So then I did those freakin' midterms... while being VERY distracted by people online. I admit it was all my fault for being distracted by them... but when there are cool people online, what else am I supposed to do?! ;)
BUT I got to bed at a rather decent time, woke up early enough to have a good breakfast, sat through other classes and finally got the (*dun dun dun*) midterm--it turned out that all the tests are exact copies of the practice ones online! HOORAY!!!! So I'm pretty sure I at least passed the thing, if not aced it! GO ME! *Does a little happy dance... very similiar to Gollem's happy dance*
Okay, it's nearly dinner time.
I'll come back with two funny dinner time stories. Stay tuned!

*Notice the Zoolander quote in the title? For those of you who know her, go read Candice's latest entry!

Love geek?! ... Yep, that's me!

eXpressive: 4/10
Practical:6/10
Physical: 3/10
Giver: 5/10

You are a RPIT--Reserved Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Love Geek.
Heh heh -- you love geek!

You are weirdly sexy. It doesn't take people a long time to get to know you, but people *think* it takes a long time, because you are as cool and regulated after a year as you are on a first meeting. You don't tend to date casually -- you just suddenly find yourself in long term relationships. Your approach to conflict is your greatest asset -- it complements almost every other type. You don't express yourself or your feelings in dramatic terms, but you will speak up to those who do. You are generally calm, but capable of ramping up, and you don't give up until the issue is resolved -- this means even the hottest temper or coolest conflict-avoider can feel comfortable pursuing their satisfaction with you. And you don't hold a grudge -- you get through it, and it's done. You rock.

Sure, you like the sex. And you communicate with your partner well, so you're good at it. But it's not something you would make jokes about or bring up in polite company (not that you don't appreciate that kind of humor). You're no prude, but that's just not your style.

You'd make an excellent parent.

You enjoy food and can be a ravenous eater. A good cook will get your attention quickly.

Of the 141887 people who have taken this quiz, 5.4 % are this type.


Yep, that's me! The love geek... I rather like that title, actually! Fits me well. I have a few comments on this quiz (thanks to Deanna for showing this to me first):
physical 3/10? I think I deserve more than that.
"You are weirdly sexy." Ha ha, I'm believing that more and more when I see that! Awesome! Pretty accurate... even the calm part... but I'm still weird; they left that part of me out. "You rock." That's right, I do!
This thing also says I'm pretty practical. I suppose... I suppose that I could see myself being practical in a relationship, based strictly on recent events, but even so, I don't really see myself as being a practical person... hardly at all, as a matter of fact.
Heh heh, and about sex... this is strictly a prediction. I have not had sex yet. Maybe I can be good at it... I sure HOPE I can! I did used to joke about it alot, but nowadays I don't, really... interesting.
An excellent parent? At my stage in life, I don't know... let's just hope that prophesy comes true.
Ha ha... food! YES!! I'm not too ravenous, but I will fall for food!
What was hard about taking this quiz was that it asked for my experiences in my last serious relationship... WHAT last serious relationship?! I've never been in A real relationship, let alone a serious one... so yeah, alot of these were suppositions.
So there you go.

As the sun sets, the storm clouds slowly drift away...

It's been a while--well, not a terribly long while, but in any case, you guys deserve an update:
Let's see, since the copying machine triumph... that night I walked with my floor and the 1st floor boys to a little ice cream shop in Bellingham called Mallard's. It's very nice, the ice cream is good, and it's reasonably priced, I think. I had me some Lavender ice cream! That might sound weird to some of y'all, but honestly, to me, it's freakin' delicious!
After that I decided that the next time I would be coming home I would bring back up my baking supplies! I miss making desserts... I begun to debate whether or not I should go home this weekend.
OOH! Also, earlier that day, I had recieved one of the most interesting personality tests ever... I'll have to share it with you people individually. It's pretty funny, pretty weird, and if done correctly, pretty darn accurate! My roommate (a VERY creative person) was especially good at interpreting the results. Praise to her!
Hmmm... nothing much besides school work and going to classes this week. I forgot my towel when I took a shower on Tuesday--I realized I had done so after I was done with my shower. I knew something like this would happen eventually, but this still took me by surprise. Fortunately I had my bathrobe, so I just went back into my room and retrieved my essentials, praying along the way that there were no boys in the hallway (there weren't, thank goodness). No big deal, but it was still slightly embarressing.
I've slowly but surely been sorting out my issues, slowly but surely emerging from my comfortable but rather dark lair. I've been bonding with some of the girls on my floor, and with my roommate. I'm starting to trust her more and more, and I want to move past the "just roommate" stage (ha ha, I want to take it to the next level!). She has always struck me as a cool person, but I think she'd make a good friend. So we'll see what happens.
Yesterday...
My FIG seminar was really cool. The teacher we have is in a band made up of different staff members in Western, and we got to listen to them live in front of us! I swear, that class is like a School of Rock! My dream come true! I look forward to that class everyday, we never have a not intersting day in there.
That evening I went and saw the actual play "The Suppliant Women." Like any play, it's SO much different seeing it than reading it. I'm sorta glad I'm familiar with the play, but seeing it... I have to say, I think it was freakin' awesome. I guess you'd have to be familiar with the play to understand me, but it's so amazing how something that was written over 2000 years ago is so relivent to events happening today. That's what really struck me about the play. Anyway, I had never seen Greek Theater done before, and this was very well done. Much talent, much imagination, and a couple of cute boys! ;) I'm so glad I have easy access to theater up here, it's a very enjoyable experience.
I also made it official that I'm going home this weekend. Have to get a few essential things, and do two weeks worth of laundry!
So today I had my first midterm. For Theater. It wasn't so bad, I had put off studying for a while (heh, who doesn't?), but it wasn't that hard. I won't say it wasn't hard overall, it did make me think a bit, but the whole test was True/False, so the challenge wasn't overwhelming. I'm just hoping I did well as I think I did! For the rest of the day I took it easy; watched some TV, saw my roommate and two girls from my floor off for the weekend, hung out with another girl on my floor and told her stories from my past, and got a few things together to bring home. So nothing terribly exciting for the outside world to hear, but oh well. Times up here are getting good, and I'm becoming more and more torn between home and here... in fact, which is which?
Listening to Neil Young's "Natural Beauty." Lovely song, and I really subscibe to the message as well. Won't plague you with musicless lyrics today, though. But I recommend checking it out.

*blinking neon sign* Applause! Applause!

I'm so proud of myself, and I'll tell you why!....

*drumroll*.......................
*CYMBOL CRASH!*

I have learned to use a copy machine!!!

And this is the point where I would recieve an awkward pause, a bunch of disappointed sighs, and/or the awkward, sporadic "polite" clapping.

Well I feel proud of myself! And right now that's all that matters to me; after all, it was my own fear I conquered.
No, I don't have a fear of copy machines. As often the case, there is more to the story. So, here it goes. I'm conquering another fear by sharing this with y'all (it makes me looks very stupid, I'm sure), but one fear at a time.
The assignment in my Theater class required that we take one of the 4 available scripts of Euripides' "The Supplient Woman" (Recall any greek theater, fellow Nerds?) and make our own copy of it in the library.
So before this I had never used a copy machine before. And when I don't know how to use a machine, or am not familiar with it, I often get nervous around it. I guess that's been a built in fear with me; as a child I hated mechanical things. My grandma once tried to give me a little toy bear that crashed symbols when wound up, and I hated it.(I don't remember this at all, I'm relying on what my mom recalls) And apparently on my first visit to the dentist, I was given a tour of the little... room.... I don't know what they call it; as most kids are on their first dentist visit. I was fine with everything, until the hygienist got to the moving chair. My mom tried to warn her, but she made it move up and down, and--that was it. I had to leave. I wasn't even crying or screaming or anything, I just took my mom's hand and tried to lead her away from the horrible place. (Once again, I don't recall any of this, it's my mom's story)
So I've just over-proven my point and went on a long tangent. Pretty typical me. So let's get back on track: My old fear of strange machines wasn't the only fear kicking in. A stronger one was coming. The scripts were available in a small room labeled "Reserves," a room obviously for books in a limited number reserved for a class. I couldn't bring the book outside the room without checking it out first, and all I needed was a copy. There was a copy machine in the very back of the room, along with a table that people were ALWAYS at (important point, highlight it). So now not only would I have to figure out how to make that copy machine serve my purpose, but there would have to be PEOPLE present to see me be technologically incompetent. That's one of my greater fears... the loss of my dignity, the fear of looking bad in front of other people, particularly people I don't know. But first thing was first--find "The Supplient Women." I had already been a semi-big girl and asked a lady at the information desk where I might find it, she pointed me to the "Reserves" section. So I go in there, and luckily there are computers there--a machine that I fortunately know the basics for operating. I figure out the program pretty quickly and learn the call numbers for the four scripts. Now I just had to figure out where those numbers were in the room. So I look on the shelves, and how nice--the call numbers were listed on them! So my number was pretty high, I go farther and farther into the numbers. I get to the last shelf, and it says "11050-End." The number I was looking for was at least 11138. That didn't seem quite right... it seemed too low to encompass the numbers I was looking for. So now a new obsticle: Where the hell WAS that script?! In the meantime, I did alot of stupid things to make me look not so stupid; you know, "browsing" the other books around, I checked my watch often... so in the end I gave up and walked out of the library, feeling very stupid and bad that I had let my roommate down, who was also relying on me to get that copy, being that she was in my class too. I miserably walked back to my dorm, and sat on my bed, defeated.
Then I had a visit from my RA. Or rather, she came in to borrow something of my roommate's and I followed her back to her dorm because I feel like I needed to talk with someone and found her trustworth enough. I asked her what to do if I could not find something in the library, she advised to MAKE the staff help you find it. It turned into a conversation of my shyness, my tough time reaching out to other people, my desire to be included but fear of showing it too much. She, in return, gave me some very helpful advice that I had heard over and over again from various sources: Step outside your comfort zone. Don't be afraid to include yourself. Go get involved in something. If there's nothing to do, organize your own event. Don't worry, people here are nice and won't judge you harshly (I had said those words myself in describing the attitude of college students). It really depends on who I hear this from to make it meaningful. If I had heard it from my parents... it would just sound like "parental advice"... you know, the kind that many people complain about and hardly ever want to listen to because they get it all the darn time. If I heard if it from my good friends... I would listen, and I would know they want to make me feel better, but it would almost feel like parental advice, of COURSE they want to make me feel better. If I heard it from someone I didn't know too well... I'd call them a fortune cookie, or I'd smile at them and think that was rather nice, depending on their attitude. Something about hearing it from Liz (my RA) made it easier for me to take... she's like a big sister to me, or what one must feel like since I've never had one. So I took her advice to heart, and I still am.
Yet another long tangent. My train of thought is so exhausting, I apologize for that. Back to the real story: That all happened YESTERDAY. Today, I still had to go down to the library, find that script, and copy it. So I went down to the library. Easy enough. Then I decided that before I go pleading for help that I try to find it again. I looked on that shelf that read 11050-End again... and near the end of the shelf, there they were: four scripts of "The Suppliant Women." YESSSSSSSSSS!!! Alright, two down, one to go. One very big obsticle to go. And of course, in the back of the room near the copy machine was that table, full of people studying. Now time for stupid behavior. I sat down in on a stool near the bookshelf and leafed through the script. I noticed that a majority of the book was taken up by the "introdution" and the "notes" in the back of the book, so I didn't have to copy that many pages. The problem was... I still had to copy them. I kept glancing at the copy machine, hoping that someone would use it so I could watch and see what they did. No such luck, so finally I v-e-r-y casually walked on over to the copy machine, like I knew what I was doing, but right when I was about to try to figure it out, I sense someone behind me. I turned around. There was someone behind me. I let him do his copying first, trying not to "watch him" but still studying his methods. From that I got an impression of how to do it, but no pure knowledge. Finally it was my turn. I stupidly looked at the machine and was immediately perplexed. So many buttons... and what do they all mean? And I know better than to just press buttons on a strange machine! After about 10 seconds of idiotic just-standing-there, I finally resolved to go the desk outside the reserved section to ask how to work the damn thing. The nice lady at the desk offered to show me how to work it, but it turned out the student she had working there just left and she was the only one at the desk. Instead I got a verbal tutorial, and it did help a bit, but I went back to the copy machine still unsure of my abilities. But... I FINALLY GOT IT TO WORK!!! I was so happy! I was still concious of the people behind me and wondered if they payed attention to me, but I made my copies and walked out, nearly skipping! It was such a relief...
To put it in a very weird metaphor, it was like having to pee for a very long time, but not finding a suitable, comfortable bathroom; the only one available is a public one, and I don't feel comfortable going in it. But finally I muster up some courage, go in there, and then come out feeling SOOOOOO relieved!
My friend Michelle is very good at making up weird analogies. I feel like her.
So yeah, I know that, on the whole, this isn't much accomplishment. But for me... this is coming from someone who is afraid to try anything new by herself. This is coming from someone who is afraid to ask for anything, no matter who she's asking. This is coming from someone who is so self-concious it's rather ridiculous, who's afraid to make eye-contact with people, who'd rather hide than show herself to the world, who's dignity dictates her life. The step is small in the long run, but it moves me FORWARD, dammit!!!
Okay, I'm done patting myself on the back. Now I gotta read the stupid play!

Hey Bulldog

Man, it's amazing how a friend's sorrows can make me forget my own. It's kinda relieving, actually. I wonder why that is... maybe it's the phrase, "Misery loves company." But when I hear of their sorrows, unless it's the same thing I'm going through, I forget about what I'm going through. Maybe some of you would derive that it provides some satisfaction to see others as miserable as you are. Well... no. I don't like seeing anyone miserable, let alone ones that I care about. It does provide some comfort sometimes to see that your friends understand what you're going through, but I don't like for my friends to suffer. Maybe it's just nice to focus attention away from the crappiness of my life onto helping relieve some of the crappiness of another's life. Not only does it feel nice to help someone else, but it feels nice not to think about what's wrong with me. Then again...
I think of the movie Amelie. I want to see that again, there's just something about French films that require mulitiple viewings. Anyway, throughout the movie she tries to help her friends fix and change their lives, but in the end the one who's life really needed to be fixed and changed was her own; in the end the life she had any power or control over was her own, like the rest of us. I always try to keep things like that in mind. Though it does help to be an understanding, supportive friend, and to have understanding, supportive friends, the only person you can ever control or change is yourself. There are times when one needs to be rescued, though... if someone could get hurt, that's when it's time to intervine.
You know who I really sound like? My dad... sometimes it kinda scares me how much of a replica of him I'm turning into, but then again I consider my dad to be one of the smartest, wisest people I know, so maybe it's a good thing...
What's really cool is the music from Amelie. That would make a nice Christmas present (*AHEM*). The piano is so beautiful... I admire--no, worship-- musical geniuses. They rock my world, sometimes literally.
Now I will apologize for the many song titles and lyrics I keep posting. Sometimes, in fact many times, I feel I can express myself best through songs I love. There's something about music that can amplify feelings, there's something about poetry that best expresses feelings in words, and there's something about the combination of the two that just utterly, amazingly hits the feelings right on the dot. So once again, sorry about the songs; though I did not say I would stop doing it! ;)
Today's Title: A Beatles song.
Today's lyrics excerpt:
"Some kind of innocence is measured out in years. You don't know what it's like to listen to your fears. You can talk to me, you can talk to me, you can talk to me; if you're lonely you can talk to me."

Song to Share with Friends

It's Neil Young time. That guy is a wonderful poet, and a wonderful musician. I love him.
This song can go hand in hand with my last post. It's a good song.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down
and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
And I'm gonna try
And thank them all
for the good times together.
Though so apart we've grown.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down
and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days,
one of these days,
one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

And I'm gonna thank,
That old country fiddler
And all those rough boys
Who play that rock 'n' roll
I never tried to burn any bridges
Though I know I let some good things go.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit downand write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days,
one of these days,
one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

From down in L.A.
All the way to Nashville,
From New York City
To my Canadian prairie home
My friends are scattered
Like leaves from an old maple.
Some are weak, some are strong.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down
and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days,
one of these days,
one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

One of these days,
one of these days,
one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

So like most songs out there, it isn't COMPLETELY like me. In this case, it's just trivial things: I've never known any country fiddlers, nor any rough boys who rock and roll (but that sounds pretty hott!). Don't have any friends in Nashville or New York, and I'm definitely not from Canad-d-d-a (I always butcher the pronunciation when I say that country's name for some odd reason. It's fun.). I do have old friends in the LA area, though. But yeah, it's a good song to sing. And it does make me want to sit down and write a long letter to all the good friends I've known, but right now, I'll settle for sitting down and writing a long blog entry to all y'all who read it. And to all my friends... I'm thinking of you! =)

PS: I wish you guys could hear it. It's a bit country-ish, but, in my definition, "good country." He does country/folk/rock stuff, which is just my cup of tea. But songs are never quite the same just reading them and hearing them, and honestly, they are meant to be heard. Oh well.

Wish you were here

Well, as of yesterday...
Ammendments were made, apologies said, feelings opened, and truth was told. It was a learning experience, a strengthening experience, a character-building experience. On the whole, most of it wasn't very good... but in the end, it did me quite a bit of good. And I know "everyone has to go through something like this, I'm not alone." I know perfectly well I'm not alone, that lots of people have been through something like this, I just feel literally alone right now. You'd think I want to be, because I have a habit of avoiding people in my spare time (except when the floor or a bunch of girls want to do something as a group), but honestly, that's exactly the oppposite of what I want to be right now. It's just that... I don't want to open too much to anyone I don't know too well right now, even though the girls here are perfectly nice (unfortunately I don't know too many guys at the moment). Maybe I'll come out of my shell, and remember how to be me again, but right now... I'm in the middle of a spiderweb that I've spun.
One thing this did for me is not only make me more knowledgable, but it really woke me up about how much I don't know anything about anything. And before that, I did buy into the whole Socratesian philosophy, "A wise man admits he knows nothing" (it goes something like that), and I didn't like to think I knew everything and was very open to new ideas. But when something like this happens... I thought I knew me pretty well, and it's really been a "Who the hell am I?" sort of thing. It really rocked my boat, rocked it really hard. I'm not sure of anything, I feel like I know nothing, and worse, I feel like I'm scared of everything...
That's what I get for being innocent. Ignorant. Or just plain stupid. Oh well, what can't kill me, makes me stronger.
Or at least that's what I've been trying to convince myself. One the whole it's true, I've gone through some killer times before; nothing to this degree, but still...
Emotional attachments are hard to severe for me. That's one thing I still know about me, and I wish weren't so true. I both admire and am bewildered by people who can shut off their emotional attachments just like *snaps fingers* that. Me... it takes a LOOOOONG time. A ridiculously long time. In fact... it seems it really seems to heal when I have a new emotional attachment. That's the only surefire way I've known it to work these days. I guess if it helps, it can't be all that bad, but something tells me it's not too healthy, and that there is another way to deal with, but I have no idea what that is. I wish I knew... because this is gonna take a long time... and it hurts... Anybody got a bandaid?
For y'all that have been there for me, and who are still there for me, I cannot start expressing my gratitude to you. It really makes a difference to me knowing that somewhere out there someone cares. I know you all will be there for me, I just wish you were here with me. Although, I know for me to be an adult I need to learn how to deal with my own inner demons, but it is advised that when one is in emotional distress that they reach out to others around them. I don't know where the line is drawn between sharing emotional pain with others and relying too much on others to help you through hard times. Man, I don't feel at all deserving to be my age... I feel like I should be 15, or 12, or even 10. But here I am, at 18, a "legal adult." That's not right. I shouldn't be here. I hardly feel mature at all.
Hmmm, this is where some of you would say, "For now, concentrate on your school work." Don't worry about that, I do give time for my school work. It's just that it's not distracting enough... I know I'm at the envy of some of you right now, that I harldy have any school work to distract me. I kinda wish I did, I'm afraid I'm gonna get to used to this easy schedule. I was honestly expecting a harder one. And I've got harldy anything to distract me now... or to concentrate on. (Of course, knowing the way irony loves me, as soon as I have an substantial social life and other forms of a lifestyle, I'll have a buttload of homework) This is where many people would turn to drugs or alcohol. Don't worry about that, that's something I really don't want to do. Not healthy at all. Hmmm... maybe a good set of oil paints and a blank canvas would be a nice pain reliever.
I just helped my roommate with a drawing of hers (she's in a theatrical designer class). It feels good to help people, especially in a subject that I'm very experienced in. I haven't drawn in a long time, maybe it's time I start that up again... Heh heh, plus so many people have looked at just my brick doorstop I painted and wondered why the heck I'm not taking studio art right now. I'm not sure myself... We shall see.
So the title today is Pink Floyd again. (I'm listening to that song right now) Something that I almost titled it was "Wishing you were somehow here again" from Phantom of the Opera. Both songs could work. I don't feel like posting the lyrics up for both, y'all can look them up yourself if you're really curious.
This is all for now. I'll talk about this more in depth with you if you really want me to. Just don't expect a direct, straight-on answer from me; not only am I good at beating around the bush but this is something that won't be easy for me to get out. So be patient. I hope I can be.

Kitty Cat Stuff

I've just had a short, semi-nap (cat nap, if you will) and some food. I have lots of energy at the moment but not a clue as how to spend it. Maybe I'll take a shower.
In the meantime, I'll share a few things with you. They both have to do with cats. And I think they're amusing, but I'm not expecting all of you to agree.
First, there's this website: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kittycat.php
Maybe you're familiar with albinoblacksheep.com, maybe you're even familiar with this flash file. I found it one someone else's profile. My initial reaction was "What the..." but I couldn't help but be amused by it. For some reason it's just so funny... but it's got no depth of intelligence whatsoever. It's even greater that my sisters and I share the same amount of amusement level with this, it's become one of our "things." It's one of those things that can make me laugh or giggle for no reason... just look at it, laugh, scoff, stare and drool, whatever floats your boat.
Next: Cartoon on my Cat Cartoon-A-Day Calender. Today's cartoon features a scene of a woman staring, shocked, mouth open, at a cat (assumingly belonging to the woman) with a litter of kittens all in a basket. Caption underneath: "Buffy - I had no idea you were sexually active!"
So either "ha ha", "heh heh", "Okay...", or "Shut up."
So that completes my attempt at entertaining for the day. All the girls on my floor are leaving me, and I still don't know what to do. Still need to shower... and I've got an invitation to check out the Underground Coffee House here with another girl on my floor. I'll just see what happens.
I'll go dance dance dance like a kitty cat.

For those who have ever poured their hearts out...

All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really know you,
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand,
Some gather together in bands,
The bleeding hearts and artists,
Make their stand.
And when they've given you their all,
Some stagger and fall.
After all it's not easy,
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

More Pink Floyd for y'all. After some heart-out-pouring yesterday, this made even more sense to me... particularly the lines, "And when they've given you their all, some stagger and fall. After all it's not easy..."

I think I could use a hug. But all y'all are down there, and I'm up here... Oh well. I've got a pet pillow, I've got cookies, and I've got a steady hand(!).

A note on yesterday's entry...

I forgot the name and the artist of the song:
"One of My Turns"
Pink Floyd

One of my new favorite musicians of all time... awesome music.
Did better today, not so bad as yesterday. Yesterday I hardly had any food, and was really tired and had a headache, so I think it enhanced my depression alot. Today I had lots of food, lots of rest, and although I had a math test today, I felt better. It's not completely gone yet, though... it felt good to let alot of it out, though. Much better. Everyone always says it will, and no matter how many times I don't believe it, it always does... man, don't you hate/love it when that happens?

Okay, homework time. More later. If I'm up to it.

Song of the Day

Day after day,
Our love turns gray,
Like the skin on a dying man.
And night after night,
We pretend it's all right,
But I have grown older,
And you have grown colder,
And nothing is very much fun, anymore.
And I can feel,
One of all my turns coming on.
I feel,Cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.
Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left,
You'll find my favorite axe.
Don't look so frightened,
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.
Would you like to watch TV?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate a silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would ya?Would you like to see me try?
Ooohh. No! Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

Okay, so this song isn't totally like me today, but most of it is. It's a good song to illustrate me in mood on a bad day, when I'm mad at things and feel rather destructive; you know, that feeling where you're so mad and frusterated you just feel like taking a heavy object, preferable with a long handle, and sometimes with a sharp end, and plunging it into something else breakable... I've learned over time to not blame the world and people around me, but to find my guilt in the situation. But then I usually just sit there feeling sorry for myself... but I'm not skilled in any other cure for the situation. Right now I'm feeling like a true introvert, I don't feel like opening up to anyone... well, almost. I can't help wanting to open up to people; I don't like being all closed up, it feels lonely. Sometimes I wonder if it's my fate to be so... then five minutes later I end up laughing with someone. But sometimes that doesn't last more than 5 minutes. It does feel nice to open up to people and be me; it does not feel nice to be hurt because I opened up too much to the wrong one.
That's my problem. I opened up too much to the wrong one, at the wrong time. That was stupid. I should've known better. I knew I shouldn't have done it in the first place, but then I stopped listening to my head, and even my heart, and listened to my "what-feels-good-now"... thing. For lack of a better name. It was my gut instinct at first not to believe all the dulcid words I heard, but after discovering other elements of paradise, they started to make sense in the moment. Now the emotional attachment's there, and I can't shut it off. It shouldn't be there, but it is; it's like an unplanned child... sort of. This one can be gotten over, after some time. Unlike with the child... bad simile. Can't think of another one...
I'm mad at me for letting this happen. I'm upset at the other party for wanting to induce such feelings in me first and foremost, then deciding after all the pleasure to actually know me, and deciding against it... and then objectifying me anyway, even though they might not have realized it... I'm mad at me for being upset at that, because I knew, always knew, something more couldn't come from this anyway. I'm mad at me for going along with it despite this. I'm mad at me for being so inexperienced, naive, and stupid. And what's worse... I'm starting to question who I am, what I'm really like... if you've ever done this, you'll know it's rather frightening.
So here I am, back on Depression Lane. It's rather dark and gloomy. No rain, no sun, just a smoggy fog. You don't know anyone, even though you may be friends with them. You don't dare make eye contact, you're not about to reveal yourself, but you so want desperately for everyone to know what's troubling you, and more importantly, you want someone to understand. But you're pretty convinced no one will...
There I go trying to be a poet again. I think I'll go crawl under my down comforter, or I'll stand in the rain...

What beautiful thoughts.

Word of the day

wistful • \WIST-ful\ • adjective 1 : full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy; also : inspiring such yearning *2 : musingly sad : pensive

I was looking up a word on Merriam-Webster online, and this was the "Word of the day." I've known of this word, but I've never used it, really... good word. Fits me right now. Very much.

Angel of Music, Guide and Guardian! Grant to me your Glory!

He's here, the Phantom of the Opera!!!
So yesterday I went to check my mail, and I had recieved a little note saying that I had a package to collect at the front desk! I fought off the temptation to walk up there and quote Legally Blonde: "I've got a package." ("... He's got a package!") I recieved a little box from Barnes and Noble... then I remembered a previous email from my grandma, saying that she was happy that I had gotten into Phantom of the Opera during the last weeks of the summer, and would send me the complete soundtrack. So had one of those "Can it be true?!" moments, then proceeded to shred the box open and inside was...
Oh come on, you can guess by the title! It WAS the Phantom of the Opera! I was so thrilled! I bounded with joy down the isle to my dorm room, stopping by the first open door I saw-- one of my neighbor's dorms across the hall, to announce the wonderful news! The two girls weren't all that ecstatic, but they tried to understand that it was a monumental moment for me. After that I went into my room, and basked in the glory of what was before me! I opened the CD case and saw that it came with a complete libretto too! I listened to the whole thing, and then had a better understanding of the story. I want to see this musical so bad!!! There is a movie coming out, though, I might have to settle for that one. I kinda want to read the book too, I'm sure there's even more to this story. As of now, I'm rocking out to the actual song, "Phantom of the Opera!"
So I remember two days ago I was complaining about being lonely and a bit depressed about no one coming to visit me. Well last night Mathes had "Open Door Night," which meant everyone (or what was supposed to be everyone) would open their doors for people to come in, look at the rooms, and meet the people who occupied them; meanwhile those of us who weren't in our rooms would tour the other rooms, one floor at a time (there are nine in total). Although I was a bit afraid to do some venturing by myself, I found a few cool people to travel with--I even switched around from one group of people to another! I saw some neat dorm rooms, met some cool people, and even a few hot guys! OOH! What was REALLY cool at one point was earlier on campus I had seen this guy who, to me, resembled Seth Green, except with blonder hair and really pretty blue eyes... in short, he was HOT! Well, it turns out he lives in Mathes! Sweet! I was just walking down the 4th floor (boys floor), and peeked into one room, and there he was! WHOA! I went in, introduced myself... (Crap! I can't remember his name! I have a real problem with those...), made some observations of his room, including his possession of a guitar! (Later I learned that about 70% of the students here have a guitar! SWEET!) So then he offered to play me a few tunes! YAY! He said he wasn't all that good, and truthfully he still has a while to go with his skills, but he wasn't bad! It was very cool! I met many people that night, including some Napoleon Dynamite fans! In one room there were about 4 of us, and we had a ND-quoting fest! Wonderfulness! In all, I'm grateful for last night! I just wonder how it will be from now on... I can't really remember who's room was what and what their names were... I would know them if I saw them, and I would know their dorm room... And I'm not sure what the weirdness factor would be if just walked up to them and said, "Hi! Remember me? I was in your dorm that one night, but I can't remember your name..." Ah, oh well. Hopefully there will be more events like this to bring out the social butterfly in me...
So this weekend I will be going home for the first time in two weeks. It'll be interesting... Crap! I forgot to get my brother a present! (Evan's gonna be 15 on Monday) He won't be too happy about that... Oh well, I'll make up for it. I'm rather getting used to life up here... but there are some things about home I miss. Like my kitty... and my music that I left behind... and some other things that aren't easily described in words...

"You alone can make my song take flight -
help me make the music of the night...."
~The Phantom of the Opera