Much better

Things work out when you confront them. And talk them out. And realize that it's okay to feel like that every once in a while. And in the meantime try to fix the issue that's making you break down.

I got better.

Yesterday was Alan's and my 5-month. It was a happy one. What I could use is many more months with him. I hope I can do it. I must say, though, I feel pretty confident with where I am.

The drawing's going well. I've been getting the same mindset that I do with any drawing: the subject is no longer recognizable as the subject; e.g. a bee isn't a bee anymore, nor a leaf a leaf. It becomes a series of lines, curves, shadows, and shapes for me to replicate as best I can. It's only when I step back for a bit and say "Well, it's looking more and more like a woman's torso." Naked people aren't so scary after all.
I think I might get used to naked males too.

Sour Girl

Nnng.
I thought a good night's rest would cure the mood I was in yesterday. Not so effective, I discovered this morning. It wasn't much of a help to have a rather sad dream too. *Sigh*. It takes just one thing, one little thing, to get me down and keep me there, and dig me deeper and deeper into the ground. I don't like being like this. I can't help it, and yet I should be able to control it... nnrrrgh.

Today, while searching for something to draw, I stumbled upon a picture of a naked woman's torso. My first thought was somewhere around "Oh look. Boobs. Maybe I should avoid that one..." Then I got to thinking: all kinds of artists out there draw naked people. All kinds of naked people. Men, women, children, old, young, of one race or another. So, I thought, maybe I'd better try to get at least a little over my fear of naked people. By drawing them. Drawing, mind you, involves intense study of your subject... staring at it for long periods of time, trying to get every curve and line and detail on your paper. Drawing is done mostly with your eyes. Anyway... I decided to draw that torso. I think for now I'll stick to naked females. I'm a little more comfortable with them... understandable, I'm a female myself. (Write that down so you remember.) Males are scary. Naked males are scarier. Someday I'll get over that fear. But for now... put the censor boxes back on. And furthermore, in the words of Elaine Benez from Seinfeld, women's bodies are works of art. Men's, not so much. Too lumpy. I admit, I find a nice, chizeled male body very attractive, but as for drawing them... they're are built more of straight lines. Women are curvy. They're easier and more fun to draw. Sorry boys.
Now here's another thing. I will draw an old naked man before I draw myself naked. It's going to take me a long time to get that comfortable.

I've been back on the music hunt. When I was in my "eh, meh, mmph" mood last night, I got a hold of Evanescence. I know, I'm way behind, but at least I got there eventually. I like their piano things... I wish I could play decently on my own. Then, on the search for similar music (and please NOT linkin park. Anything but them.), I went to Yahoo Launch, which gives recommendations for other kinds of music similar to the stuff you picked. I started with Pearl Jam's "Jeremy," then I got a reccommendation for Stone Temple Pilots... and I remembered "Sour Girl" (first heard because my mom liked that song). So I got it. And then I got more STP, and some Jane's Addiction, Hoobastank, Puddle of Mudd, Pearl Jam, and others. I plan to look for more music like it. It's good for these kinds of moods.

As far as that genre's concerned, got an recs for me? (Other types are still welcome)

short.

my height. this entry.

The weekend was cool. I went home, caught up with family, watched a high school's Annie (my brother was playing in the pit--and getting paid!), hung out with my three great friends Candice, Michelle, and Sarah, and thought about how tough it was going to be to tame my garden this summer. It exploded.

I should find a job. But it's scary, and I don't' want to do the jobs that most teenagers do. Shut up.

Sorry, I'm not feeling my best right now. I promised myself I would be better from now on. I even said so out loud this morning. I hate being inconsistent.

mmph.

(PS: Thanks for those who suggested music to me; much appreciated! My request still stands for the rest of you...)

The up is swinging

Well, it's good that not everyone is ignoring or not reading my blog these days. For those of you who have commented recently, gracias! I'm in your debt... and you'd better be updating your blogs too! =)

So like the title says, since the last post, I've improved. I consciosly try to minimize the time Alan and I spend in my dorm... meaning that not only to we spend more time in his dorm, in one of our friends' dorm, or somewhere in the outdoors, but that I'm nearly always hesistant and guilty when I bring him over, especially if I suspect Allie will be in the room. The tension that I felt earlier between my roommate and me has mostly worn off... though sometimes when I sense her unhappiness I can't help but wonder if I have contributed to it in anyway... though these days most of her trials come from what's happening at home (and those details I will not disclose here). I'm actually feeling rather well fed as of late--food has been relatively decent, and last night Alan and Kit and I ordered breadsticks--both garlic and cinnamon. Sweetness.

My social life is getting a bit better. Kit and I are hanging out more these days. I would hang with Adria more, but she's found work these days (and there goes the would-be responsible voice speaking to me about employment...).
Over the weekend, Kit and Alan and I hit the mall. I bought a skirt for me--bringing my total to 2. I'm working on it, people! I bought a nice cream tanktop to go with it, some black sandels, and some neat sunglasses. I also bought Kit a sheer, see-through black shirt to match a beautiful purple skirt she's got. She was ever so gracious, and looked great the next day in that outfit. (And one of the nice things about roomming together next year is that we're the same size, therefore fit in the same clothes! And she loves red too... Score!). Alan bought some shorts, something he had needed for a while; and unfortunately the poor boy didn't have the nicest of days for the majority of it. He burned his hand on a waffle iron, was in pain the whole day and had to keep ice in a plastic bag by his hand. He also, through the day, lost or left behind his debit card, his wallet, and his driver's license at various locations, including Cinnabon, a table where we had a sit-down, and at a Cingular wireless booth (respectively). In the end, once we got back to school, his day got better. It was my job, as his girlfriend, to make it all better...

I've been trying to minimize the outbreaks of crying. I never saw myself as overly sensitive... maybe it's because I tried not to let too many things get to me, though I still try not to. Being so close to someone means getting closer to who you really are... sometimes I wonder, when I discover more and more about myself, if that's who I really want to be, if the traits that are put into light are really the traits I want to have. *sigh* Alan may be right, I have way too high of expectations for myself. In truth, I try to be as perfect as possible. Don't wanna make other people upset, don't wanna be upset myself. Perfection may be a stairway to infinity... oh damn, who knows what book I'm trying to refer to? Oh well... anyway, it's pretty much an impossible goal. When I first met Alan, I was doing rather well in the self-esteem department--relative to how I was doing most of my life beforehand. During winter break, when we were apart, we even had each other tell the other, one by one, a compliment about theirselves. I came up with a bit. I don't know what exactly triggered the regression into my former habit... I don't think it's a relationship issue. Doesn't feel like it. But it's happening again. I don't deny my good traits... but I tend to downplay them to an unfair extent. I emphasize the negative traits... however big or small. Not healthy, yes. Bad habit, oh yes. It's been a habit of mine for a long time... pretty much throughout the days of public school. Now I'm not sure about the correlation between those two, but... mostly, I think it was the social factor that played a part in the conditioning of the way my mind works now.

Enough explaining. I've got to do something about it. I've told myself this I don't know how many times... but for Alan's sake, for my friend's and family's sake, and mostly for my sake, I'd think I'd better cut it out. Sound good to you?

Songs. Gimme. Now. Please. Thank You.

So much time, so little food, and too many tears

I should go back to eating 3 times a day. 2 times leaves me hungry between meals too much. And right now, I've got quite a craving for peanut butter and bananas. Thanks to Alan, who had a peanut butter and banana sandwich on toased bread for part of his lunch today (the boy can eat mulitple meals in one sitting, I tell you). The idea of a sandwich containing such ingredients never initially appealed to me, but I suppose I should give it a shot sometime. He offered me a little bit of banana, and I scraped off some of the peanut butter on his sandwich to eat with it. It tasted quite good... and now I want more. I can't wait till dinner time.

And now I shall speak of the weekned. Saturday consisted of Alan and I going to see Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. My reaction? I listened to Alan's constant insistence of the storyline changing everytime the genre changed (the radio show wasn't like the book, the TV series was different as well), and for a movie, it was pretty entertaining. I didnt' care too much for some of the material added in, and I was sad when they cut a favorite line or two of mine, but in all, pretty darn good. On the way to see it, we coincidentally met up with Alan's older brother, Eric, who we wanted to invite with us in the first place. When we got to the mall (where the theater was located), we ran into some friends of Erics, who were also there to see the movie. Before the movie, we wandered around to various stores (I stopped by Bath and Body works--huzzah for black raspberry and vanilla scented body lotion!), and spent a deal socializing. I must say, Eric is the older brother I've dreamed of having. Alan has observed that he does act rather brotherly to me, for which I'm grateful for. The two brothers are very much alike in personality and interests, and though it is Alan that I initially love, I love his older brother just as much. My boyfriend is awesome, and in addition his family is awesome too--quite a plus if you ask me.

When I got back home... *sigh*. Allie and her friend (and our neighbor) Carly were trying on outifts they had bought together that day, watching a movie (sort of, it was more or less in the background), and just generally socializing. I was a bit disappointed to see my room occupied--Malls and movies wear me out like nothing else, and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to lie down and relax with my boyfriend. What I didn't mean to do was to kick them out--Carly was the one to offer her room instead of my room for those two to hang out. I did express that I was tired and slightly irritable to Carly, but I really didn't mean to send them away. What I didn't do was refuse the offer she made. As Alan observed to me later, it's hard to know when to accept or refuse offers such as those... there really are no rules or guidelines as to how or when to do so. And in all, miscommunications suck. Allie and Carly left, and Alan and I got to spend some time alone in my room. It actually did me quite a bit of good; by the time Alan left for home, I was feeling rather fine.

The next day, not too much happened. I mostly sat around my dorm, doing things related to online. Alan and I met for meals, and his plan was to see Kung Fu Hustle (a movie, due to violent reasons, I didn't plan to see myself) after dinner; he did so, with his brother. During the time of his absense, Allie confronted my directly, as she often does when she must confront someone, about her annoyence with me the previous night. She felt as if she had been kicked out of her room. She realized it was my room too, but pointed out it's also her room. She has made an effort to let Alan and I have our own time together in our room, but she doesn't feel like I make an effort to let her and her friends have their own time together in our room. I apologized for the way I was, I told her I was tired and I needed to lay down and relax, and I didnt' mean to kick them out at all. She told me that she had been out all day with Carly, and that their time in that evening was the first time she had been back in her dorm all day. She wanted to have some alone, quality time with Carly, and was frustrated at the fact that she had to leave her room so soon. I told her that any time she wanted she could kick me out, she told me she knew, but she doesn't think she has to tell me to leave every time, that she shouldn't have to tell me what to do all the time. She also told me that her annoyance lasted only the night, and that she was over it by the time she was telling me this news, but she was letting me know how she felt at the time.

The whole time, as soon as I got the news that I was the source of an annoyence, I bit my tongue to keep me from crying in front of her. I've seen her be maternal in many different ways and forms, whether it comes to concerns, nagging, nurturing, and in this case, lecturing and confrontation. What she is used to is discussing openly the problems and difficulties she has with those with her, including her parents. What I'm used to is listening--no feedback--to the lectures from my parents of the bad things I've done... it brings feelings of intense guilt and the feeling that I've been a bad person. I'm pretty sure it was not her intent of making me feel so bad--she just didn't want to ignore and keep inside the problem inside. She was making me aware. But even so... I tend to have a very active guilt reflex--in fact, many times I've had an over reactive guilt reflex (just ask Alan). But the whole guilt of it all was weighing down on me... I hate it when people are upset with me. I hate it when I do something wrong, I hate it worse when it affects someone else. I hate being the cause for bad feelings or events with anyone... the fact that I had not acted like a good roommate, that my mere presense was impeding on her opportunity to enjoy herself, that I had been an annoyance made me feel awful... I became distraught after her lecture. The rest of the evening, I couldn't help but think of how horrible I had been, and the feeling consumed me...
The evening overall wasn't all bad--Afterall, it was Candice's birthday that day!! That girl needed a phone call from me--she was joining the 19-year-old club! After a good chat with her and Michelle for a while, I was reminded of how dearly I missed my close freinds; God I miss them so much... and I hope they will grace me with their presense some upcoming weekend...
After that, I spent some time online, listened to Pink Floyd, and waited for Alan to return. I watched for his online status to change from away to online... then I decided to call him instead. We promptly met up, and I told him why I was feeling bad about us hanging out in my room anymore... accompanied by many inner feelings and tears pouring out. He did quite well in comforting me and distracting me, as he always does. He is the only person up here that I can cry in front of--I have done so several times before. We took a walk, relaxed on an outdoor structure to gaze at the hazy stars, walked around more in search of somewhere indoors, avoided his dorm because his roommate was in, avoided my floor lounge because it was occupied, sat in the main lounge for less than five minutes because it was so quiet and exposed, and then finally headed back to my dorm, because it was the only refuge I felt was safe and comforting. Allie was out, I'm not sure where.
I have to say, there is a slight air of tension I feel every time I'm around the vicinity of Allie... I feel like our relationship has tilted a bit... we were good roommates. We still are... but now I've got this constant state of guilt living in my veins... I don't cry anymore about it, but it still haunts me. I wonder how long...
Overall, as people, Allie and I get along just fine. However, I'm not sure about how close we could possibly get. It could be just me, but she doesn't appear to understand me very much... Overall, she's a very undertanding person. She's really easy to talk to. She's very sociable. Thing is, she doesn't quite understand how I work, I don't know how easy it is for ME to talk to her, and I'm not sure our levels of sociality match (though it's not like I don't want to be social). She often questions what I do, why I do it, sometimes she comments that it seemed weird or funny to her. I shouldn't react so much to it, but I do fear what other people think of me. I'm afraid to tell her much else about myself... I haven't really reached a level of comfort to express such things in me. I have this constant feeling that she won't undertand how I work, and I'm starting to think it takes a special breed of people to understand me. Fortunately, Alan is definitely one of those people; something I'm very grateful for.

Next year, I hope Kit and I will make good roommates. I hope we'll be able to understand and relate to each other, and I hope we don't cause each other too much trouble. In the meantime... I've become come more cautious and self-contious as to my own roomming habits...

Fortunately, Neil Young is always here for me, crooning to me, soothing me, easing whatever pain I may have...

And I'm gonna get a Butterfinger.

And now I wish you all well; I hope Allie and I can still get along by the end of the year...

And remember my request for songs? It's still up.