On such a very winter's day. A freezing cold windy winter's night, even.
I'm not in a very updaty mood, but I figure I owe the world something. I'm not in a bad mood, just not an updaty one.
I was in California the past week. Very nifty. Very random. Very strange. I got invited last minute by my Grandma the day after I got back from school. Quite bizarre, being in a place I usually associate with summertime. Palm trees in December; I woudn't have ever predicted such a thing coming my way, especially so sudden. It was rather warm down there too. Got about 65-70 during the day, and only 58 or something at night. To Californians, that's freezing. To me, that was Not-Even-Daytime-Temperature-At-Home. Silly Californians. And then again, why did I ever move away... (aside from the fact that when parents move, their young children follow)
I hung out with every cousin on my mom's side, at least once. Met two new ones, saw saw growing up, saw one that I've known since I couldn't even sit up by myself. Also baked alot. Grandma put me to work. It was fun though, I don't mind doing work that brings such fruitful (or rather cookieful) rewards. And I shall continue doing such work here.
I painted for the first time in a long time too. I dont' know... I guess it was the right time and place to start that up again. Something about Grandma's house made me take up a pencil and brush and color amd water again... I hope I won't lose it...
Today's the 18th. Isn't it interesting.
In one week it'll be Christmas. I wonder what happens to that excited little spirit that dwelled so much in childhood during this time. Did it just up and leave? Did it slowly, painfully die? Did it shrivel up, like a raisen in the sun?
Or did it explode?
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Until things completely smooth over once again, these blog entries will have to remain cryptic
From Into the Woods:
Do you know what you wish?
Are you certain what you wish
Is what you want?
If you know what you want,
Then make a wish.
Ask the tree,
And you shall have your wish...
Do you know what you wish?
Are you certain what you wish
Is what you want?
If you know what you want,
Then make a wish.
Ask the tree,
And you shall have your wish...
Monday, December 05, 2005
The wheel keeps on turning
All I'll say for now is that life just keeps flip-flopping around.
Ain't it weird?
Ain't it weird?
Thursday, December 01, 2005
This could be the beginning of a long and lonely winter
I don't have to much to say, other than it's snowing.
It's neat.
But with it comes memories.
Mostly of those being when I didn't feel alone.
Cause I do now.
It's no one's fault.
But it feels empty.
The kind of emptiness which makes you hurt.
The kind that makes you feel like you're starving.
I'll pull through.
The questions are when and how.
I'm in the woods alright, but hardly with a map or a compass, or even a flashlight.
And I don't know where to go...
It's neat.
But with it comes memories.
Mostly of those being when I didn't feel alone.
Cause I do now.
It's no one's fault.
But it feels empty.
The kind of emptiness which makes you hurt.
The kind that makes you feel like you're starving.
I'll pull through.
The questions are when and how.
I'm in the woods alright, but hardly with a map or a compass, or even a flashlight.
And I don't know where to go...
Friday, November 25, 2005
No One Is Alone
This is my mantra as of late. I'm trying to convince myself to believe it as much as possible. It's hard not to feel alone during times of loss. But especially on this day reserved for giving thanks, I'm trying to realize what is not lost around me.
I have an excellent family, for example. Yes, there are times when every single one of them (and often times several of them at once) can really pinch my nerves and make my veins bulge. But then there are moments with every one of them (and again, often times several of them at once) can make me feel better. Whether it's feeling loved or supported or sharing funny moments of any kind, I can't forget about them.
Sometimes it's strange... my family is just one example of this feeling, but it works rather well anyway. When I'm with them and I'm having a moment when I'm enjoying myself, sometimes it'll be a moment of "escape"--a moment when I won't think about my main troubles, and just be happy at that instant without even thinking about it. Sometimes it's as if I'm stepping out of my real self for a moment, just to laugh or to be amazed or relax or anything of the sort. I love the feeling when it happens... and I dearly wish it were enough to make the little knots untangle themselves for good.
I guess that was a reason I liked going to Fairhaven alot, too. There is a rather significant difference between my home and Fairhaven, though. Both provide means of escape in both the physical (distance) and social sense, yes. Home feels so familiar though, like (heh) I've had it all my life, and though little things have changed here and there, for the most part the way I act and the person I am hasn't changed much. Fairhaven was a real branch-out for me. The people there were pretty damn cool, and in many ways they acted like people that I probably would normally associate with. But there were some things about them that... well, for lack of a better phrase, were a real branch-out for me. Sometimes the mentality of such a group actually went as far as to contradict how I normally think and act. I didn't often subscribe to their particular points of view. Most of the time I would remain quiet, and a few times I used the best weapon: humor. That fit in just fine--those guys were all about humor. For a while I tried to convince myself as best I could that I would try this new point of view out as much as possible, and even try to adopt it a little. After all, it did provide a nice escape from things...
The toughest part is being caught in between. The reason I didn't quite fit all the way into the group I visited in Fairhaven was because although I was branching out into all kinds of new points of view and ways of thinking, there was still that older, more established part of me that wanted to be expressed--and just couldn't be expressed with that sort of group. And when I'm home, I can express that view all I want. The issue with home lies with the fact that I've branched out in directions that are not always the most comfortable ways to be at home. So although I can be a good part of myself at home, and I've grown quite a bit in Fairhaven, neither really completely fits with me at the moment. And the part in between, the neutral ground, as it were, is... well, in it lie all the feelings that I'm trying to escape from. Soon as I head back to my North Campus dorm, or as I log into my laptop, or as I flop onto my bed and become so aware of the fact that I'm the only one it it, I get a rush the actual state I'm in--the very lonely and restless and starved part of me, looking for a home. In there, both of these particular sides of me are being denied. I miss things from either side, and either side feels unfulfilled in one way or another.
The sad thing is that due to recent events, I probably won't return to Fairhaven for a while. In a few weeks, after experiencing my Fall Quarter '05 classes for the last time, I'll return home--for a good long time. I guess I'd better to learn to appreciate what I've got here at home... really appreciate it. Appreciate it till I'm sick of it. And I'll be desperately trying not to look behind me... to look into the past...
So the point has been abandoned a bit. The point being is that I'm thankful for what I have. One of those things being my family. Another thing being because compared to the rest of the world, I'm pretty damn well off. I've got a roof over my head, a very comfy bed, loads of food, a laptop, opportunities to express myself in most any way I want to, I'm attending a college, I don't have to pay for it myself, I'm quite healthy, my friends and relatives are all healthy, and my home country isn't that bad. And nothing scary is going to come and eat me in the middle of the night.
I guess something to really be thankful for is the progress I've made over time. Looking back into past Thanksgivings, looking back over the past months, the past weeks, the past days... I'm taking much larger steps and have journeyed farther than I ever thought I would. It almost feels like I should just stop here, and that I've found a good spot with the way I am to just settle down, but I know that's never the case--life is certainly going to keep happening, and who knows what the hell else is destined to cross, interrupt, or block my path. And who knows what I'll do in response. But I'm glad that I've grown. I have grown quite alot. I've also bloomed several times, and I've the confidence now to know that I can bloom again.
So we give our thanks, and then we enter the season of wishes. The gratitude towards such deserving things never leaves, of course, and is still appreciated just as much. But it's this season when we're allowed, the same time of being grateful for what we have, to have a wish as well.
I'm thankful for my growth.
And my wish is to bloom again soon.
(And the title comes from a song from Into The Woods, which is the new musical I'm getting into. My best musical recs often come from my brother, Graham. What he really wanted me to get into was Sweeney Todd. But Into the Woods will do for now. And I really like it, so it works.)
I have an excellent family, for example. Yes, there are times when every single one of them (and often times several of them at once) can really pinch my nerves and make my veins bulge. But then there are moments with every one of them (and again, often times several of them at once) can make me feel better. Whether it's feeling loved or supported or sharing funny moments of any kind, I can't forget about them.
Sometimes it's strange... my family is just one example of this feeling, but it works rather well anyway. When I'm with them and I'm having a moment when I'm enjoying myself, sometimes it'll be a moment of "escape"--a moment when I won't think about my main troubles, and just be happy at that instant without even thinking about it. Sometimes it's as if I'm stepping out of my real self for a moment, just to laugh or to be amazed or relax or anything of the sort. I love the feeling when it happens... and I dearly wish it were enough to make the little knots untangle themselves for good.
I guess that was a reason I liked going to Fairhaven alot, too. There is a rather significant difference between my home and Fairhaven, though. Both provide means of escape in both the physical (distance) and social sense, yes. Home feels so familiar though, like (heh) I've had it all my life, and though little things have changed here and there, for the most part the way I act and the person I am hasn't changed much. Fairhaven was a real branch-out for me. The people there were pretty damn cool, and in many ways they acted like people that I probably would normally associate with. But there were some things about them that... well, for lack of a better phrase, were a real branch-out for me. Sometimes the mentality of such a group actually went as far as to contradict how I normally think and act. I didn't often subscribe to their particular points of view. Most of the time I would remain quiet, and a few times I used the best weapon: humor. That fit in just fine--those guys were all about humor. For a while I tried to convince myself as best I could that I would try this new point of view out as much as possible, and even try to adopt it a little. After all, it did provide a nice escape from things...
The toughest part is being caught in between. The reason I didn't quite fit all the way into the group I visited in Fairhaven was because although I was branching out into all kinds of new points of view and ways of thinking, there was still that older, more established part of me that wanted to be expressed--and just couldn't be expressed with that sort of group. And when I'm home, I can express that view all I want. The issue with home lies with the fact that I've branched out in directions that are not always the most comfortable ways to be at home. So although I can be a good part of myself at home, and I've grown quite a bit in Fairhaven, neither really completely fits with me at the moment. And the part in between, the neutral ground, as it were, is... well, in it lie all the feelings that I'm trying to escape from. Soon as I head back to my North Campus dorm, or as I log into my laptop, or as I flop onto my bed and become so aware of the fact that I'm the only one it it, I get a rush the actual state I'm in--the very lonely and restless and starved part of me, looking for a home. In there, both of these particular sides of me are being denied. I miss things from either side, and either side feels unfulfilled in one way or another.
The sad thing is that due to recent events, I probably won't return to Fairhaven for a while. In a few weeks, after experiencing my Fall Quarter '05 classes for the last time, I'll return home--for a good long time. I guess I'd better to learn to appreciate what I've got here at home... really appreciate it. Appreciate it till I'm sick of it. And I'll be desperately trying not to look behind me... to look into the past...
So the point has been abandoned a bit. The point being is that I'm thankful for what I have. One of those things being my family. Another thing being because compared to the rest of the world, I'm pretty damn well off. I've got a roof over my head, a very comfy bed, loads of food, a laptop, opportunities to express myself in most any way I want to, I'm attending a college, I don't have to pay for it myself, I'm quite healthy, my friends and relatives are all healthy, and my home country isn't that bad. And nothing scary is going to come and eat me in the middle of the night.
I guess something to really be thankful for is the progress I've made over time. Looking back into past Thanksgivings, looking back over the past months, the past weeks, the past days... I'm taking much larger steps and have journeyed farther than I ever thought I would. It almost feels like I should just stop here, and that I've found a good spot with the way I am to just settle down, but I know that's never the case--life is certainly going to keep happening, and who knows what the hell else is destined to cross, interrupt, or block my path. And who knows what I'll do in response. But I'm glad that I've grown. I have grown quite alot. I've also bloomed several times, and I've the confidence now to know that I can bloom again.
So we give our thanks, and then we enter the season of wishes. The gratitude towards such deserving things never leaves, of course, and is still appreciated just as much. But it's this season when we're allowed, the same time of being grateful for what we have, to have a wish as well.
I'm thankful for my growth.
And my wish is to bloom again soon.
(And the title comes from a song from Into The Woods, which is the new musical I'm getting into. My best musical recs often come from my brother, Graham. What he really wanted me to get into was Sweeney Todd. But Into the Woods will do for now. And I really like it, so it works.)
Monday, November 21, 2005
May you be fated to live in interesting times
Those Chinese sure knew what they were talking about.
Well, this past week has proven to be a very interesting time.
However, I'm not sure this is the time to post details of such things yet. So those of you who don't know will have to just wonder for now. I'm sorry, but it's the way my world shall work.
I guess now... well, part of me now feels somewhat better than before. And part of me feels bad. And a good portion of me feels lonely.
It gets difficult to sit around, in a vulnerable state, knowing patience is required, but still wondering where that reserved seat for you is.
... I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy.
Another foggy gray area for me.
But through every gray fog there is a blue sky waiting to happen. I'll just have to see how long it takes to burn off.
So once again, my apologies for not really giving any of you who may be reading this an update. But that's just how it'll have to be for now.
Well, this past week has proven to be a very interesting time.
However, I'm not sure this is the time to post details of such things yet. So those of you who don't know will have to just wonder for now. I'm sorry, but it's the way my world shall work.
I guess now... well, part of me now feels somewhat better than before. And part of me feels bad. And a good portion of me feels lonely.
It gets difficult to sit around, in a vulnerable state, knowing patience is required, but still wondering where that reserved seat for you is.
... I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy.
Another foggy gray area for me.
But through every gray fog there is a blue sky waiting to happen. I'll just have to see how long it takes to burn off.
So once again, my apologies for not really giving any of you who may be reading this an update. But that's just how it'll have to be for now.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
I'm on my way...
... from misery to happiness today.
Uh huh.
I'm working on it. I've been more cheerful these past few days than I have in a long time. Been making a few new friends here and there, and that's nice. Been keeping up with the friends that make me feel better too. Trying with all my might to hold on to the feelings I've recognized as happy. Sometimes its been tough to not feel a little sad, or alot sad once in a while, but I'd like to think I'm getting better.
Fairhaven has truely become a haven. Some people are convinced I live there now. I do spend alot of time there these days. I can see why people often stay there after living there for a while. It's not so much the living conditions (cause North campus does have them beat, I say), but the community built there. And I like the community. More and more friends of mine are being made there. I often have fun there, whether I'm hitting people with sticks, watching movies or cartoons, computering or gaming, or just talking with people, it's a nice place.
Last week my roommate and I got a fishy! He's a bug-eyed, fan-tailed goldfish named Adonis. And he's adorable! He lives in a bowl with a fake plant, blue-green gravel, and a sandcastle on Kit's desk. He swims and boogies around his little bowl, and gets excited when we feed him... And then the next night I went to the CF building to watch some Invader Zim on one of the projectors. Very strange show, yes. I can at least appreciate most of the humor in it, though. And then there's Gir! I've now joined the Gir is Awesome cult, and I'm proud of it. Cause eeeeeeee!!! He's just so cute!
This Friday my sister Keira came up to visit. Her main reason was because she wanted to play Capture the Flag with the boffers, but hey--sisterly bonding and Eric-bugging were also nice too. We ended up having loads of fun--for the first time I really went on the offensive side, rather than my usual place on the defensive side. And I think I might do that more often. It's not as scary as I thought it would be. My elbow was killing me though. I might have hyperextended it or something, but it would hurt when knocked back a certain way. Keira had the same issue too. And then the next day she woke up with a very swollen and very pained wrist... which might be broken. We're not exactly sure how that happened. She didn't fall and no one hit her hard, as far as she and I can remember. We know at the very least its sprained, but yeah. Broken. Yikes. And I assured my parents that she wouldn't have any bad injuries... *sigh* oh well. It was fun!
So now I'm home again. It's nice to see family members again, and nice to be able to escape to my room when they start to annoy me. I have my cat beside me... I do miss him from time to time. And one of my dearest wishes these days would to have him up in the dorm with me. Tonight Graham's got a concert, so I get to watch that. It's been a very long time since I've seen any of my siblings in concert. And since it used to happen so often, it's weird to think of how long it's been...
Still fighting bouts of loneliness, sad feelings still waiting to creep on me; sometimes they do. But I'm trying to hold onto what's making me happy. Not too tightly, but enough so that hopefully I don't slip and fall.
So yeah. I don't like being depressed. I do like support though. And I am extremely grateful to those who have offered theirs. You are the ones that I truely hold the highest on my value list. I owe you guys lots of chocolate and hugs and happinesses.
Uh huh.
I'm working on it. I've been more cheerful these past few days than I have in a long time. Been making a few new friends here and there, and that's nice. Been keeping up with the friends that make me feel better too. Trying with all my might to hold on to the feelings I've recognized as happy. Sometimes its been tough to not feel a little sad, or alot sad once in a while, but I'd like to think I'm getting better.
Fairhaven has truely become a haven. Some people are convinced I live there now. I do spend alot of time there these days. I can see why people often stay there after living there for a while. It's not so much the living conditions (cause North campus does have them beat, I say), but the community built there. And I like the community. More and more friends of mine are being made there. I often have fun there, whether I'm hitting people with sticks, watching movies or cartoons, computering or gaming, or just talking with people, it's a nice place.
Last week my roommate and I got a fishy! He's a bug-eyed, fan-tailed goldfish named Adonis. And he's adorable! He lives in a bowl with a fake plant, blue-green gravel, and a sandcastle on Kit's desk. He swims and boogies around his little bowl, and gets excited when we feed him... And then the next night I went to the CF building to watch some Invader Zim on one of the projectors. Very strange show, yes. I can at least appreciate most of the humor in it, though. And then there's Gir! I've now joined the Gir is Awesome cult, and I'm proud of it. Cause eeeeeeee!!! He's just so cute!
This Friday my sister Keira came up to visit. Her main reason was because she wanted to play Capture the Flag with the boffers, but hey--sisterly bonding and Eric-bugging were also nice too. We ended up having loads of fun--for the first time I really went on the offensive side, rather than my usual place on the defensive side. And I think I might do that more often. It's not as scary as I thought it would be. My elbow was killing me though. I might have hyperextended it or something, but it would hurt when knocked back a certain way. Keira had the same issue too. And then the next day she woke up with a very swollen and very pained wrist... which might be broken. We're not exactly sure how that happened. She didn't fall and no one hit her hard, as far as she and I can remember. We know at the very least its sprained, but yeah. Broken. Yikes. And I assured my parents that she wouldn't have any bad injuries... *sigh* oh well. It was fun!
So now I'm home again. It's nice to see family members again, and nice to be able to escape to my room when they start to annoy me. I have my cat beside me... I do miss him from time to time. And one of my dearest wishes these days would to have him up in the dorm with me. Tonight Graham's got a concert, so I get to watch that. It's been a very long time since I've seen any of my siblings in concert. And since it used to happen so often, it's weird to think of how long it's been...
Still fighting bouts of loneliness, sad feelings still waiting to creep on me; sometimes they do. But I'm trying to hold onto what's making me happy. Not too tightly, but enough so that hopefully I don't slip and fall.
So yeah. I don't like being depressed. I do like support though. And I am extremely grateful to those who have offered theirs. You are the ones that I truely hold the highest on my value list. I owe you guys lots of chocolate and hugs and happinesses.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
*step step* OW! *step* OW! *step step* HOLY SHIT, OWIE!!!
It feels like I'm blinding stumbling barefoot on a sidewalk with bits of broken glass strewn all over it. I try to carefully shuffle my way across, but sometimes stepping on something that'll cut me is inevitable. And sometimes I help it along--I know the glass is there, I take a big giant step in that direction anyway.
Pain pain, wonderful pain.
And with more pain comes more grungy/bluesy/hard rock songs. I've discovered "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, let's see how much I like their other songs. I might become a fan.
I wish my good friends were more accessible. I talked to Michelle for the first time in a while yesterday, and I wished her a late Happy Birthday (she's freakin' 20!!). That made me feel better--Michelle's the type of girl who will at least make you feel somewhat better about nearly anything. She did her full job yesterday at making me feel very better. I remember nearly a year ago it was during Veteran's day weekend that I came down to UW and visited them for a while. Good times. I wish we could do it again this quarter, but I'm making other plans for this weekend, and hopefully they'll work out.
So what was my big mistake that killed the whole happiness? I went online. And... well, maybe in the future I'll comfortable about why that was a mistake. But right now, I'll leave it at that. Let's just say, for now, it was another form of heartbreak. As a result, I went to bed feeling down (and alone--literally. My roommate didn't come home until this morning), woke up feeling hurty. Stayed in bed until a little after noon.
One of the worst thing about this whole situation? It's hard to even keep the friendship... I miss that.
I miss him.
If I had to go back and change one thing about the whole situation, I wish I could've remained at the friends level with him longer. I gotta learn to listen to my gut more.
(And note: whoever is leaving Anonymous notes, you're welcome to do so. However... I would kinda like to know who you are. It would just make me feel better. So either sign your name in your note, or you can create your own account. Please!)
Oh yeah, and HAPPY 100th POST! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyy...
Pain pain, wonderful pain.
And with more pain comes more grungy/bluesy/hard rock songs. I've discovered "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, let's see how much I like their other songs. I might become a fan.
I wish my good friends were more accessible. I talked to Michelle for the first time in a while yesterday, and I wished her a late Happy Birthday (she's freakin' 20!!). That made me feel better--Michelle's the type of girl who will at least make you feel somewhat better about nearly anything. She did her full job yesterday at making me feel very better. I remember nearly a year ago it was during Veteran's day weekend that I came down to UW and visited them for a while. Good times. I wish we could do it again this quarter, but I'm making other plans for this weekend, and hopefully they'll work out.
So what was my big mistake that killed the whole happiness? I went online. And... well, maybe in the future I'll comfortable about why that was a mistake. But right now, I'll leave it at that. Let's just say, for now, it was another form of heartbreak. As a result, I went to bed feeling down (and alone--literally. My roommate didn't come home until this morning), woke up feeling hurty. Stayed in bed until a little after noon.
One of the worst thing about this whole situation? It's hard to even keep the friendship... I miss that.
I miss him.
If I had to go back and change one thing about the whole situation, I wish I could've remained at the friends level with him longer. I gotta learn to listen to my gut more.
(And note: whoever is leaving Anonymous notes, you're welcome to do so. However... I would kinda like to know who you are. It would just make me feel better. So either sign your name in your note, or you can create your own account. Please!)
Oh yeah, and HAPPY 100th POST! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyy...
Monday, November 07, 2005
Unconsciousness
Well I could sleep forever
But it's the hurt I dream
If I could sleep forever
I could forget about everything...
You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize how goddamn lucky Sleeping Beauty was. She's sheltered all her life in a cozy little cottage in the woods, raised by three fairies, and then one little prick of pain on a spinning wheel and she's whisked off into a hundred year's worth of sleep (the third fairy really did give her the best of the gifts). Sleeping through all those bad times until she can be awakened by the kiss of her true love. She gets to sleep. Through all the hurt and bad times. And when she wakes up she's ready to live out a happy little perfect life. Almost no heartbreak whatsoever...
I would give anything in the world to be her right now.
It was a rather sleepy weekend. I spent over 24 hours away in Fairhaven, Friday to Saturday night. Played CTF, talked with geeks, spent the night in Eric's dorm, watched some movies, took a nap, ate... I would've loved to just sleep. When I came back to my dorm, I didn't get out of bed until about 1:30. And if not for the fact that I had a book to read and a test to study for, I would've stayed in bed all day. I would love to cancel school for a while just so a I could sleep the whole time. I would be content to watch the world pass me by for some time, watching the days ripple back and forth, watching the people hurry by, and then surrendering my consciousness for a long time...
The thing that gets me is dreams. I found out last night that I'm still capable of being reminded in my dreams... I suppose it doesn't hurt until I wake up and my consciousness slaps me around. But I just wish it would leave me alone.
I'm just sick of living right now. I don't want to be dead, but I don't want to be consciously living right now. I'd just like to sleep, sleep until I feel my true love's lips upon mine.
That'd be one huge set of heartbreak loads taken off me. Would save me alot of stress.
Sometimes, in fact many times, it's a huge curse to care deeply about many things, and about things may one day disappoint you, betray you, and break your heart.
... someone just please hold me and tell me everything will be okay.
...please?
But it's the hurt I dream
If I could sleep forever
I could forget about everything...
You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize how goddamn lucky Sleeping Beauty was. She's sheltered all her life in a cozy little cottage in the woods, raised by three fairies, and then one little prick of pain on a spinning wheel and she's whisked off into a hundred year's worth of sleep (the third fairy really did give her the best of the gifts). Sleeping through all those bad times until she can be awakened by the kiss of her true love. She gets to sleep. Through all the hurt and bad times. And when she wakes up she's ready to live out a happy little perfect life. Almost no heartbreak whatsoever...
I would give anything in the world to be her right now.
It was a rather sleepy weekend. I spent over 24 hours away in Fairhaven, Friday to Saturday night. Played CTF, talked with geeks, spent the night in Eric's dorm, watched some movies, took a nap, ate... I would've loved to just sleep. When I came back to my dorm, I didn't get out of bed until about 1:30. And if not for the fact that I had a book to read and a test to study for, I would've stayed in bed all day. I would love to cancel school for a while just so a I could sleep the whole time. I would be content to watch the world pass me by for some time, watching the days ripple back and forth, watching the people hurry by, and then surrendering my consciousness for a long time...
The thing that gets me is dreams. I found out last night that I'm still capable of being reminded in my dreams... I suppose it doesn't hurt until I wake up and my consciousness slaps me around. But I just wish it would leave me alone.
I'm just sick of living right now. I don't want to be dead, but I don't want to be consciously living right now. I'd just like to sleep, sleep until I feel my true love's lips upon mine.
That'd be one huge set of heartbreak loads taken off me. Would save me alot of stress.
Sometimes, in fact many times, it's a huge curse to care deeply about many things, and about things may one day disappoint you, betray you, and break your heart.
... someone just please hold me and tell me everything will be okay.
...please?
Friday, November 04, 2005
Dying and Flying
It never ceases to amaze me that simple, tiny, easily-looked-over things can sometimes speak so much louder than any number of words or loud and spectaculor and big and huge event.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/237601
Watch the movie if you wanna. It may mean something to you, it may not.
I'll just say that it means a hell of alot to me at the moment. For reasons I don't feel inclined to spell out here. Hell, for reasons I'm not sure I understand yet.
And sometimes I wonder if I'm just made out of a million different, entertwining spirals.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/237601
Watch the movie if you wanna. It may mean something to you, it may not.
I'll just say that it means a hell of alot to me at the moment. For reasons I don't feel inclined to spell out here. Hell, for reasons I'm not sure I understand yet.
And sometimes I wonder if I'm just made out of a million different, entertwining spirals.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I guess sometimes there just aren't enough rocks
Me: bleh, sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock
Candice: me to
Candice: and never come back out
Candice: i want to become part of the rock
Candice: to grow on it like moss
Candice: and just.....chill
Well, today's midterm did not actually completely rape me in the ass. I actually did much better than I thought I would. I can confidently say I'm expecting to pass it.
... Took my first awkward ride up the elevator with Alan in it. Kinda wondered what would happen if that ever occured. Now I know.
We just pretend the other doesn't exist.
Doesn't make me any happier.
Once I was in Fairhaven I felt better. Surrounded by cool people, hanging out with them, watching stupid flash cartoons with Eric, boffing practice.
And then sometimes you wonder how far is too far when reaching out to people.
I really am too dependant.
Koala to a tree dependant. (Note: Koala's feel the safest when they cling tightly to their trees. Without their tree they feel vulnerable and are basically helpless)
Do these cycles ever really end, or are they just temporily stopped once in a while?
And how existential can you get, really?
At least one happy moment: http://content.ytmnd.com//187000/187322/image.gif
Candice: me to
Candice: and never come back out
Candice: i want to become part of the rock
Candice: to grow on it like moss
Candice: and just.....chill
Well, today's midterm did not actually completely rape me in the ass. I actually did much better than I thought I would. I can confidently say I'm expecting to pass it.
... Took my first awkward ride up the elevator with Alan in it. Kinda wondered what would happen if that ever occured. Now I know.
We just pretend the other doesn't exist.
Doesn't make me any happier.
Once I was in Fairhaven I felt better. Surrounded by cool people, hanging out with them, watching stupid flash cartoons with Eric, boffing practice.
And then sometimes you wonder how far is too far when reaching out to people.
I really am too dependant.
Koala to a tree dependant. (Note: Koala's feel the safest when they cling tightly to their trees. Without their tree they feel vulnerable and are basically helpless)
Do these cycles ever really end, or are they just temporily stopped once in a while?
And how existential can you get, really?
At least one happy moment: http://content.ytmnd.com//187000/187322/image.gif
Monday, October 31, 2005
Candy day
I wish I had some candy, anyway. I'm gonna try to see if I can get some later this afternoon... maybe not. I don't know.
These days I like to think my name is Sisyphus. For a reason that I can't think of at the moment, he was cursed to forever spend his days in the afterlife trying to roll a boulder up a hill. Whenever he almost reached the top of the hill, the boulder would slip and fall back down to the bottom, and he'd have to start over again.
Last year I said I was a mobius strip. This is basically the same idea, only more Greek Myth geeky. It's a never-ending cycle of waking up feeling sad and lonely, dealing with it all freakin day, often crying by the time afternoon hits. Sometimes in the evening I'll feel better. Often times right before I sleep, I'll start to get that feeling again... sometimes I don't. But as soon as I open my eyes every morning, I'm plunged right back down at the bottom of it all again, and I spend yet another day fighting to get back up... feels like I'm getting no where at this rate.
I used to dream about him nearly every night since it happened. First dream I had was during that first weekend I spent home... we were together again, and happy. That next week, I kept having dreams about him, and we would be happy at first, but then I'd get that familiar "this isn't working" feeling, and I'd wake up actually feeling just about the same way... Then sometimes I'd dream, and he wouldn't be directly in it, but there would be something in it that would remind me of him in the dream, just like what would happen in real life, when I would accidently stumble on old memories... One morning this weekend, I had about 2-4 dreams in which we came back together and were happy, and I woke up each time with a reminder that it didn't really happen... Interestingly enough, the past two nights I don't remember dreaming about him at all, but as soon as I gain my consciousness back, I remember where I am, and my heart sinks back down to the lower levels...
I know they say that nothing helps moving on better than the next guy to come around... but damn, that's gonna be difficult. 1) It's not wise to go around looking for the next guy, to spend all your energy trying to find someone... it almost never works. 2) Because this is the first time I've actually built something with another person, getting over them will probably be harder than any of my other experiences like this. 3) I just might be trying to fill that "Alan-shaped hole in my subconscious," and.. well, if that's my goal, that's not going to turn out so well.
It's just difficult to try to carry on when you can't see where you're going. It's difficult to loosen old bonds when you don't have anything else to hold on to. It's easier to move up a step if you can see that step, and like the direction it's going...
It's Halloween. I'm dressed up as Hot Topic advertisement. Or at least that's what i'm saying I am. All I'm doing is wearing my Sally shirt, my Jack sweatshirt, and my Jack scarf. It's as festive as I get.
Last weekend I went home. Last Thursday my cat, Kitten, was put to sleep. She had a tumor on her leg, and she was going to get it amputated, but it turned out the tumor had spread to her pelvis, and there was really no getting rid of it... So I've only one cat now, and he's the one in the profile picture. I'm missing him more these days... There are just some moments when you really need a cat sitting on your lap and purring loudly as you stroke him.
And I hope midterm on Wednesday doesn't spell out my doom.
These days I like to think my name is Sisyphus. For a reason that I can't think of at the moment, he was cursed to forever spend his days in the afterlife trying to roll a boulder up a hill. Whenever he almost reached the top of the hill, the boulder would slip and fall back down to the bottom, and he'd have to start over again.
Last year I said I was a mobius strip. This is basically the same idea, only more Greek Myth geeky. It's a never-ending cycle of waking up feeling sad and lonely, dealing with it all freakin day, often crying by the time afternoon hits. Sometimes in the evening I'll feel better. Often times right before I sleep, I'll start to get that feeling again... sometimes I don't. But as soon as I open my eyes every morning, I'm plunged right back down at the bottom of it all again, and I spend yet another day fighting to get back up... feels like I'm getting no where at this rate.
I used to dream about him nearly every night since it happened. First dream I had was during that first weekend I spent home... we were together again, and happy. That next week, I kept having dreams about him, and we would be happy at first, but then I'd get that familiar "this isn't working" feeling, and I'd wake up actually feeling just about the same way... Then sometimes I'd dream, and he wouldn't be directly in it, but there would be something in it that would remind me of him in the dream, just like what would happen in real life, when I would accidently stumble on old memories... One morning this weekend, I had about 2-4 dreams in which we came back together and were happy, and I woke up each time with a reminder that it didn't really happen... Interestingly enough, the past two nights I don't remember dreaming about him at all, but as soon as I gain my consciousness back, I remember where I am, and my heart sinks back down to the lower levels...
I know they say that nothing helps moving on better than the next guy to come around... but damn, that's gonna be difficult. 1) It's not wise to go around looking for the next guy, to spend all your energy trying to find someone... it almost never works. 2) Because this is the first time I've actually built something with another person, getting over them will probably be harder than any of my other experiences like this. 3) I just might be trying to fill that "Alan-shaped hole in my subconscious," and.. well, if that's my goal, that's not going to turn out so well.
It's just difficult to try to carry on when you can't see where you're going. It's difficult to loosen old bonds when you don't have anything else to hold on to. It's easier to move up a step if you can see that step, and like the direction it's going...
It's Halloween. I'm dressed up as Hot Topic advertisement. Or at least that's what i'm saying I am. All I'm doing is wearing my Sally shirt, my Jack sweatshirt, and my Jack scarf. It's as festive as I get.
Last weekend I went home. Last Thursday my cat, Kitten, was put to sleep. She had a tumor on her leg, and she was going to get it amputated, but it turned out the tumor had spread to her pelvis, and there was really no getting rid of it... So I've only one cat now, and he's the one in the profile picture. I'm missing him more these days... There are just some moments when you really need a cat sitting on your lap and purring loudly as you stroke him.
And I hope midterm on Wednesday doesn't spell out my doom.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Someday...
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Oh I wish
I wish things were different. I wish I didn't expect so much of people. I wish I had the capacity to settle down when I need to. I wish I was happy again...
I don't know when I'll write the entire story of what happened down here. All I'll say was that despite the many things Alan and I had in common, we were more emotionally different than we thought. And no matter how much we try to patch things up now, it won't work. Who knows if it'll ever work again...
We clicked right away, at first. And I suppose at the very beginning of the relationship, I was a little afraid and reluctant at first, and he was rather eager. Eventually I learned to trust him, and he got established with me. We cared about and for each other. I started to rely on him for many things... and it became more and more apparent that he became unable to provide many of them. Suddenly I wanted the relationship to keep picking up and picking up and growing and growing, and he was starting to slow down a bit. If I tried to slow down for him, I would feel restrained and unfulfilled and disappointed. If he struggled to try to keep up with me, he would feel exhausted and overwhelmed and frusterated. So, as friends, we worked really well... but as for a long-term relationship, something would always be missing... the more I think back on past events, the more it makes sense. I wish it could be different... I really do.
We tried patching things up again, but what we kept getting was a preview into what may happen if we start things over again. We'd be on the same level, then I would ask for more, and he would be unable to provide it, I would be disappointed, he would be frusterated. That tension of that missing element would always be there.
We said we would take a break from each other several times. But then we would see each other between classes, and see each other in the dining hall... it was difficult to stay away from each other. But now (as we stated on Friday morning), we decided to try to stay away from each other for good. To take a real break. To not give into temptation to see each other... to even go out of our way to avoid each other. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Much of my life was built around him, many of my habits were based around him. We shared much of the same friends, and ate with the same people. We did things together, went places together... goddammit.
What I really want is Friday night back. I went to Boffing/Capture the Flag, as Alan's older brother Eric had been trying to persuade me to do for a while (his younger brother too; for a while he was trying to persuade both of us to do it). I was glad I did it. I visited my friend Ryan, whom I hadn't seen in a while, in his apartment in Buchanan Towers (a good 20-25 minute walk from my dorm), we ate dinner, tried to check out a concert on campus that turned out to be lame, chilled out in his apartment some more, then went and played capture the flag. It was pretty fun running around and trying to hit people with padded foam sticks (most of the players were big and strong and sometimes scary guys). Afterwards we hung out in Eric's place and played cards and sat around and talked. I had fun. Lots of fun. I missed Alan, yes. But I was having fun. Ryan and I headed back to his apartment after a while, and we were up till 3:30 in the morning before walking all the way back to Mathes.
Next day, I had just about no plan. I went to lunch at noon and talked with a few people, then decided to go to Ryan's place and do homework. We did for a bit, then decided that we were bored and needed something to do. We caught up to a few people that I recognized from Fairhaven, including Eric's roommate. We went to another person's place and played a bit of Katamari Damacy (which was rather painful--it was one of the first things Alan showed me when we met). I still felt bored and disconnected, so Ryan and I headed out. We watched a few things on his computer, including Supersize Me (y'all should see it too). Then we felt tired--he felt physically exhausted, I was mentally exhausted. I ended up stealing his bed to sleep on, and he slept on the floor (I did feel bad, but didn't feel like debating it). We slept for a while... woke up on and off... till about 12:30. Had lunch at 1, I got back home at 1:30.
I'm still feeling very lonely. I want something like Friday night to happen again. I want to be with a bunch of people who are happy, active, and willing to let me be with them. I want to feel loved again, and I don't want to just sit somewhere and talk anymore--I want to do something. Actually do something. With cool people.
More and more I am beginning to like myself for who I am. But I do wish things were different... I was different, things were different. That I wasn't so lonely...
I want to go home again.
I don't know when I'll write the entire story of what happened down here. All I'll say was that despite the many things Alan and I had in common, we were more emotionally different than we thought. And no matter how much we try to patch things up now, it won't work. Who knows if it'll ever work again...
We clicked right away, at first. And I suppose at the very beginning of the relationship, I was a little afraid and reluctant at first, and he was rather eager. Eventually I learned to trust him, and he got established with me. We cared about and for each other. I started to rely on him for many things... and it became more and more apparent that he became unable to provide many of them. Suddenly I wanted the relationship to keep picking up and picking up and growing and growing, and he was starting to slow down a bit. If I tried to slow down for him, I would feel restrained and unfulfilled and disappointed. If he struggled to try to keep up with me, he would feel exhausted and overwhelmed and frusterated. So, as friends, we worked really well... but as for a long-term relationship, something would always be missing... the more I think back on past events, the more it makes sense. I wish it could be different... I really do.
We tried patching things up again, but what we kept getting was a preview into what may happen if we start things over again. We'd be on the same level, then I would ask for more, and he would be unable to provide it, I would be disappointed, he would be frusterated. That tension of that missing element would always be there.
We said we would take a break from each other several times. But then we would see each other between classes, and see each other in the dining hall... it was difficult to stay away from each other. But now (as we stated on Friday morning), we decided to try to stay away from each other for good. To take a real break. To not give into temptation to see each other... to even go out of our way to avoid each other. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Much of my life was built around him, many of my habits were based around him. We shared much of the same friends, and ate with the same people. We did things together, went places together... goddammit.
What I really want is Friday night back. I went to Boffing/Capture the Flag, as Alan's older brother Eric had been trying to persuade me to do for a while (his younger brother too; for a while he was trying to persuade both of us to do it). I was glad I did it. I visited my friend Ryan, whom I hadn't seen in a while, in his apartment in Buchanan Towers (a good 20-25 minute walk from my dorm), we ate dinner, tried to check out a concert on campus that turned out to be lame, chilled out in his apartment some more, then went and played capture the flag. It was pretty fun running around and trying to hit people with padded foam sticks (most of the players were big and strong and sometimes scary guys). Afterwards we hung out in Eric's place and played cards and sat around and talked. I had fun. Lots of fun. I missed Alan, yes. But I was having fun. Ryan and I headed back to his apartment after a while, and we were up till 3:30 in the morning before walking all the way back to Mathes.
Next day, I had just about no plan. I went to lunch at noon and talked with a few people, then decided to go to Ryan's place and do homework. We did for a bit, then decided that we were bored and needed something to do. We caught up to a few people that I recognized from Fairhaven, including Eric's roommate. We went to another person's place and played a bit of Katamari Damacy (which was rather painful--it was one of the first things Alan showed me when we met). I still felt bored and disconnected, so Ryan and I headed out. We watched a few things on his computer, including Supersize Me (y'all should see it too). Then we felt tired--he felt physically exhausted, I was mentally exhausted. I ended up stealing his bed to sleep on, and he slept on the floor (I did feel bad, but didn't feel like debating it). We slept for a while... woke up on and off... till about 12:30. Had lunch at 1, I got back home at 1:30.
I'm still feeling very lonely. I want something like Friday night to happen again. I want to be with a bunch of people who are happy, active, and willing to let me be with them. I want to feel loved again, and I don't want to just sit somewhere and talk anymore--I want to do something. Actually do something. With cool people.
More and more I am beginning to like myself for who I am. But I do wish things were different... I was different, things were different. That I wasn't so lonely...
I want to go home again.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Spammers begone!
So from now on, if you want to comment, you'll have to type out the weird squiggly word they provide for you, so we can weed the spam out.
Yay!
Yay!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Just let me sleep for a long, long time.
Interestingly enough, no song or poem or any quote from there. Just me talking.
It'll be a while before I can write out the details of what happened here. I've already explained it so many times to various people... not that non of you here don't matter to me, but it's exhausting.
Any support from any of you is appreciated. I know I won't be like this forever. But right now I'd like as many shoulders to stand on as possible.
Thank you all.
It'll be a while before I can write out the details of what happened here. I've already explained it so many times to various people... not that non of you here don't matter to me, but it's exhausting.
Any support from any of you is appreciated. I know I won't be like this forever. But right now I'd like as many shoulders to stand on as possible.
Thank you all.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
... Nobody said it would be so hard.
Sometimes you wait for things to blow over. Sometimes they will. Sometimes they won't.
Sometimes your problems will be solved if they are discussed openly between affected parties. Sometimes they won't.
Sometimes you're sure about life. And sometimes you aren't.
Sometimes people change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.
Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes they come back together.
Sometimes needs are met. Sometimes they aren't.
Sometimes you need to hold on. And sometimes you need to let go.
Sometimes you need to listen hard to those horrible voices in your head. Sometimes you might not like what they have to say.
It's rare that they are wrong.
Sometimes you hurt. Sometimes you feel good. Sometimes you feel weak. Sometimes you get strong.
And sometimes... the thing you are most sure about crumbles.
In other words, Alan and I broke up.
Sometimes your problems will be solved if they are discussed openly between affected parties. Sometimes they won't.
Sometimes you're sure about life. And sometimes you aren't.
Sometimes people change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.
Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes they come back together.
Sometimes needs are met. Sometimes they aren't.
Sometimes you need to hold on. And sometimes you need to let go.
Sometimes you need to listen hard to those horrible voices in your head. Sometimes you might not like what they have to say.
It's rare that they are wrong.
Sometimes you hurt. Sometimes you feel good. Sometimes you feel weak. Sometimes you get strong.
And sometimes... the thing you are most sure about crumbles.
In other words, Alan and I broke up.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Nobody said it was easy...
Noboy said it would so hard.
Hola! Missed me?
Heh, once I'm active again, it becomes a tad more difficult to just sit down and spill it back out. So forgive me. Yes, I've been relatively active. Been going to classes, doing that one thing called homework, hanging out with Alan, a couple of friends along the way, and spent over a week with a third roommate: Kit's boyfriend, Todd.
So yeah. Alan and have been hanging out alot. And we've been good.
And I'd be lying if I said that right now we're pretty happy.
I don't sense a danger, but we are in a rough spot. The kind of rough spot I'm not used to. I really hope my danger censor isn't broken...
Maybe by the time you all read this it'll all be over. And maybe it won't. The future is fickle sometimes.
I've really screwed things up.
Hola! Missed me?
Heh, once I'm active again, it becomes a tad more difficult to just sit down and spill it back out. So forgive me. Yes, I've been relatively active. Been going to classes, doing that one thing called homework, hanging out with Alan, a couple of friends along the way, and spent over a week with a third roommate: Kit's boyfriend, Todd.
So yeah. Alan and have been hanging out alot. And we've been good.
And I'd be lying if I said that right now we're pretty happy.
I don't sense a danger, but we are in a rough spot. The kind of rough spot I'm not used to. I really hope my danger censor isn't broken...
Maybe by the time you all read this it'll all be over. And maybe it won't. The future is fickle sometimes.
I've really screwed things up.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
When Life is hard, you have to change.
You know sometimes, when you've got so much to tell that you know that it'll take you a hell of a long time to write it all down or talk it all out, and you're not sure where to start, how much to tell, or even if you want to spend all that effort?
Yeah. That's how I feel. I know a whole shitload of stuff has happened since I last updated. You know, like, moving into my dorm, registering for classes, being a HELP for my first few days, getting adjusted to dorm life again, having classes, and little adventures in between.
I'll say one sentence about each.
Moving into my dorm was an adventure, since I had no other help besides my mom and her friend, and Kit and I rearranged the room nicely.
Registering for classes has been one of my biggest headache inducers and it's been battle after battle, but I ended up with all but one of the classes I want, making my credit total 14 this quarter (I wanted 17, but oh well).
Being a HELP was rather fun. I would've never done it had Kit not also signed up to be a HELP, but after a little while I was having a good time with helping people move into Mathes; though later one, when the flow of people got higher, I was getting exhausted.
My dorm has cool people, my dorm floor has familiar faces from last year's 2nd floor (we're saying that the 2nd floor took over the 8th), Alan's only two floors down, and Kit and I are getting along quite well so far.
My Geology class seems alright and actually a bit interesting so far, my Native American Lit class has quite a bit of a reading load though is alos a bit interesting, and my teacher for my Peoples of Asia anthropology class hasn't shown up yet (she was studying outside of the country and was having problems getting back in, apparently), so I don't have too much of an opinion about it yet.
So far I've visited the mall, went to a housewarming party in my friends Jessilee's and Random's apartment, went to half of Open Door night, visted my friend Lee and Adria in their dorms, and lately Kit's recently aquired boyfriend has come to visit and is staying for a couple--actually, several--days.
There you have it.
Please remember this folks: "The hard is what makes it great."
Yeah. That's how I feel. I know a whole shitload of stuff has happened since I last updated. You know, like, moving into my dorm, registering for classes, being a HELP for my first few days, getting adjusted to dorm life again, having classes, and little adventures in between.
I'll say one sentence about each.
Moving into my dorm was an adventure, since I had no other help besides my mom and her friend, and Kit and I rearranged the room nicely.
Registering for classes has been one of my biggest headache inducers and it's been battle after battle, but I ended up with all but one of the classes I want, making my credit total 14 this quarter (I wanted 17, but oh well).
Being a HELP was rather fun. I would've never done it had Kit not also signed up to be a HELP, but after a little while I was having a good time with helping people move into Mathes; though later one, when the flow of people got higher, I was getting exhausted.
My dorm has cool people, my dorm floor has familiar faces from last year's 2nd floor (we're saying that the 2nd floor took over the 8th), Alan's only two floors down, and Kit and I are getting along quite well so far.
My Geology class seems alright and actually a bit interesting so far, my Native American Lit class has quite a bit of a reading load though is alos a bit interesting, and my teacher for my Peoples of Asia anthropology class hasn't shown up yet (she was studying outside of the country and was having problems getting back in, apparently), so I don't have too much of an opinion about it yet.
So far I've visited the mall, went to a housewarming party in my friends Jessilee's and Random's apartment, went to half of Open Door night, visted my friend Lee and Adria in their dorms, and lately Kit's recently aquired boyfriend has come to visit and is staying for a couple--actually, several--days.
There you have it.
Please remember this folks: "The hard is what makes it great."
Monday, September 12, 2005
Sex!
WARNING! IF YOU HAVE A LIMIT ON HOW MUCH INFORMATION YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ME, THIS IS NOT THE POST FOR YOU!
There. I've warned you. It's your own damn fault if you get disgusted or freaked out from now on. Now let's get it on!
1. What is your gender? Very female.
2. How old are you now? 19
3. How old were you when you first started thinking about sex? Um... 5th grade? That's when I learned how it worked.
4. How old were you when you were first sexually aroused and what caused it? Gosh, I can't remember, it's been a very long time...
5. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Haven't lost it yet. I'll give it away soon enough...
6. Did you enjoy your first sexual experience? Why or why not? No. It was a very limited experience yes. But with the wrong person. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
7. How many sexual partners have you had at this point in your life? Um.. as for intercourse, 0. Anything remotely related, 2.
8. Who is the sexiest person you know personally? Why? Alan. Because he is interested in me. And I him. We are attracted to each other on a number of levels. And because we are comfortable enough to be intimate in many ways. That's truely when I find someone sexy.
9. Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone related to you? If so, whom? No. No one.
10. If you were given the opportunity to act on that attraction, would you? Why or why not? Heck no.
11. What is the most sensitive part of your body? My little organ of pleasure herself. The only organ out there with a pleasure-only function. A clitoris is a girl's best friend.
12. What is the least sensitive part of your body? Now I've thought long and hard about this... Hair and fingernails. Can't feel a thing.
13. Has anyone ever stimulated your G-spot/prostate? Yes, indeed.
14. If so, did you find it pleasurable? Yes! Indeed!
15. Do you like large or small nipples? Never really mattered to me...
16. How big are your nipples? um... about the size of a nickel, perhaps? Nickel nipples! =D
17. Do you consider yourself sexually under-endowed, average or over-endowed? Why? Um... As far as the goods between my legs, I'm pretty average. I don't go around and check, but I'm sure I've got nothing to worry about. They do me good, so far. I do wish my breasts were a bit bigger... I always have.
18. If female, have you had or would you ever consider getting, breast implants? Why or why not? No. Because that's just weird, and I've heard that you lose sensation in them. And I'd much rather have sensation than size, when it comes down to the two of them
19. If male, are you circumcised or uncircumcised and would you change it if you could? Why or why not? As a female I cannot answer this question.
20. How many sexual positions are you familiar with personally? Personally meaning what? I know OF a fair amount, but since I still have yet to have sex, I haven't actually tried having sex in those postions. The end.
21. Has anyone ever taken pictures of, or filmed you naked? No, and at this point I'd rather it stay that way.
22. Has anyone ever taken pictures of, or filmed you having sex? No, and I'd prefer that to not happen
23. Have you ever taken pictures of, or filmed, someone else naked or having sex? No... and that'd be a bit awkward for me, really. I consider it a more personal, privately intimate thing myself. That stuff just ain't for me.
24. Has anyone ever watched you having sex? No... because I haven't had any, yet.
25. Have you ever watched others having sex? No
26. Have you ever watched others having sex, without their knowledge? point your eyes upward. No, not at the ceiling, to the last question
27. How old were you when you masturbated for the first time? Hummm... 10 or 11. Right at the start of puberty. It was a accidental discovery... and a good one, at that!
28. How often do you masturbate now? Hmmm...nowadays, not too often. I'm holding out to make my inimate experiences better. But if I were to masturbate regularly, I'd probably do it just about every day, perhaps multiple times a day.
29. What do you usually think about while you masturbate? Images of my lover, what makes me feel good, things that he says or does that turn me on, those good things
30. What's your favorite masturbation technique? good ol' hands. Rubbing outside and inside simulatinously. Yum.
31. Where is the most interesting place you've ever masturbated? I've got two, actually: once in my 6th grade math class, and once in a dark auditorium during a concert. Yay for being subtle!
32. Which do you like better, giving or receiving oral sex? I like them both, really. Recieving... feels really good! And giving... I like making others feel good! =)
33. Who is the one person you'd really like to give you oral sex? Alan. No other.
34. If you could easily gratify yourself with oral sex, would you? Um... it would feel nice, yes, but I'm not sure if I'd like my own flavor.
35. Spit or swallow? Spit. That's stuff's kinda icky.
36. Have you ever had, or wanted to have, a threesome? Not really, no
37. What would be the breakdown of your ideal threesome? (Two guys? Two gals? One of each? A goat and a horse?) Um... if I DID have one, I suppose I'd like two guys. More attention on me!
38. Who would your ideal threesome be with? Johnny Depp and Elijah Wood and Me. Damn.
39. Do those people know that you want to have a threesome with them? If not, why not? No. They have no idea I exist.
40. Have you ever been involved in an orgy? Yes! Lots of times I've been in a room with sockless people! (Where did THAT particular definition come from, anyway?)
41. If so, how many people were involved? anywhere from 3 to about 10. Wild parties, man.
42. Were drugs involved? If you count sugar and caffeiene, oh yeah.
43. What's the most number of times you've had sex in one night? 0. I want to change that.
44. What's the most public place in which you've had sex? Nowhere public. Nowhere at all.
45. What's the most public place in which you'd like to have sex? Hm... Not really all THAT public, but I'd like a forest setting. Or perhaps behind a waterfall...
46. Would you have or have you ever had sex with your best friend? Why or why not? My best friend is pretty much my boyfriend. So sure. Otherwise, no. That wouldn't help that sort of relationship at all.
47. Have you had, or would you ever have, sex with a neighbor? No. My neighbors are very nonsexable.
48. Have you ever been sexually obsessed with someone? Yeah... at one point. Very briefly. I was charged and confused. Don't really want to do that again.
49. What is your wildest sexual fantasy? I don't have too many "wild" ones... and when I do, they're like dreams--I get out of my trance, as it were, and forget most of them if not all of them. From the ones I remember... being tied down, being unmercifully teased, being aggressively taken over... I don't like the whole D/s thing, but being submissive once in a while appeals to me
50. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever tried, sexually? Um... chocolate frosting. On me. It tasted yummy. From what I hear. =) Oh, and I was lightly tied down once. That was interesting. I could do it again sometime.
51. What's the most creative thing you've ever done with a sex toy? Never used one, really. Maybe one day Alan will get Rez... (for those who don't know, look it up--it's a video game)
52. What is the oddest object you've ever inserted into your body, or parts of your body into, for sexual gratification? never inserted anything unusual...
53. If you could have sex with anybody you know, completely guilt free, who would it be and why? Alan, I'm at that level of trust with him.
54. If you were given the opportunity to have sex with a perfect clone of yourself, would you? No... That would just be too far down on my weird scale.
55. If you had the opportunity to be professionally photographed for Playboy/Playgirl, or pose for a statue by Michelangelo, which would you choose? I'd rather go for Michelangelo, cause he would be artistically recreating my beautiful body. Playboy would be like "LOOK! FEMALE PARTS! HAPPY MASTURBATING!" So objectifying...
56. If a sex toy manufacturer asked to make a mold of your genitals in order to mass-produce sex toys for sale worldwide, would you? Why or why not? Um... as long as they payed me very well... why the hell not. Though that's really weird when I think about it... whatever. Just give me the money and don't bother me ever again.
57. If female, have you ever used a strap-on dildo to fuck someone? Nuh-uh.
58. If male, have you ever been sexually penetrated by another? I no male.
59. Did you enjoy the experience? I no answer above question.
60. How much would you have to be paid to have sex with a total stranger? way more than you could give me
61. How much would you have to be paid to have sex on stage in a crowded coliseum? more than the above sum
62. If you were given the opportunity, would you watch someone have sex with an animal? That's... no. Poor animal...
63. If you had to compare yourself to an animal during sex, what animal would it be and why? Um... gee. I think of a cat. Not only because cats are some of my favorite animals, and I'd like to be one anyway, but I just tend to curl up and around next to the person I love and am affectionate to. And if I could purr, I WOULD!
64. In your opinion, is it fair to force hormonally driven young people to wait until they're 18 to have sex? Uh... not completely. You really just can't stop people from having sex, when it comes down to it. It's a very personal decision. I do recommend encouraging them to wait until they are completely sure they are ready (which often happens after the age of 18), and to be smart about it, if anything.
65. Should it be considered a crime if pre-eighteen-year-olds choose to have sex earlier? Not really. Though there should be an age barrier, for sure... I'm not sure what it is, though. Leave the children out of it, definitely.
66. At what age do you believe people should be allowed to take responsibility for their own bodies? Hm... probably around 16 or 17. Don't know exactly why. Just a good age. Maybe I'll just stick with 18.
67. Do you believe that sex education should be taught in public schools? Why or why not? Yes. Better to teach as many as you can with the correct information. No lying, misinforming, or evilizing. They would get such information from other sources eventually, and it's best to have people informed as correctly as possible.
68. In your opinion, who is best equipped to teach sex education to pre-eighteen year olds? Teachers, I think. Parents are allowed too. Teachers for factual information everyone needs, and Parents for personal things. Responsible adults in general, really.
69. Do you believe there is too much, or too little, emphasis put on sex education in today's society? I'm not sure, really. There are those who are too obessessed with it--whether they are "NO SEX ED IT IS EVIL RAAAR!" or "TEACH THEM EVERYTHING!!!" I've already given you my opinions on how it should be.
70. Do you consider your answers you've given on questions 64 - 69 to be objective, or are they based on emotional response? ... I try to be objective, but either way, it's a personal opinion.
Finish the following phrases:
71. If I had to describe my sexual organs, I would say they are... female and pleasure giving. And fertile.
72. The difference(s) between sexuality and sensuality is/are... *scratches head*... well, sexuality tends to be more directly sexually related, sensuality really means appealing to senses, any of them. I think as far as movie ratings go, sensuality = softcore and sexuality = hard core
73. Before I die, I'd like to experience... sex. and being married. and a swiss truffle.
74. I hate it when... people make me feel uncomfortable about this subject, whether they are prying merciless at me when I'm not comfortable enough to discuss such things with them yet, or making me feel bad for being interested in such stuff, saying how evil-minded or perverted I am. Leave me alone!
75. Sex is like... a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get... wait...
There. I've warned you. It's your own damn fault if you get disgusted or freaked out from now on. Now let's get it on!
1. What is your gender? Very female.
2. How old are you now? 19
3. How old were you when you first started thinking about sex? Um... 5th grade? That's when I learned how it worked.
4. How old were you when you were first sexually aroused and what caused it? Gosh, I can't remember, it's been a very long time...
5. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Haven't lost it yet. I'll give it away soon enough...
6. Did you enjoy your first sexual experience? Why or why not? No. It was a very limited experience yes. But with the wrong person. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
7. How many sexual partners have you had at this point in your life? Um.. as for intercourse, 0. Anything remotely related, 2.
8. Who is the sexiest person you know personally? Why? Alan. Because he is interested in me. And I him. We are attracted to each other on a number of levels. And because we are comfortable enough to be intimate in many ways. That's truely when I find someone sexy.
9. Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone related to you? If so, whom? No. No one.
10. If you were given the opportunity to act on that attraction, would you? Why or why not? Heck no.
11. What is the most sensitive part of your body? My little organ of pleasure herself. The only organ out there with a pleasure-only function. A clitoris is a girl's best friend.
12. What is the least sensitive part of your body? Now I've thought long and hard about this... Hair and fingernails. Can't feel a thing.
13. Has anyone ever stimulated your G-spot/prostate? Yes, indeed.
14. If so, did you find it pleasurable? Yes! Indeed!
15. Do you like large or small nipples? Never really mattered to me...
16. How big are your nipples? um... about the size of a nickel, perhaps? Nickel nipples! =D
17. Do you consider yourself sexually under-endowed, average or over-endowed? Why? Um... As far as the goods between my legs, I'm pretty average. I don't go around and check, but I'm sure I've got nothing to worry about. They do me good, so far. I do wish my breasts were a bit bigger... I always have.
18. If female, have you had or would you ever consider getting, breast implants? Why or why not? No. Because that's just weird, and I've heard that you lose sensation in them. And I'd much rather have sensation than size, when it comes down to the two of them
19. If male, are you circumcised or uncircumcised and would you change it if you could? Why or why not? As a female I cannot answer this question.
20. How many sexual positions are you familiar with personally? Personally meaning what? I know OF a fair amount, but since I still have yet to have sex, I haven't actually tried having sex in those postions. The end.
21. Has anyone ever taken pictures of, or filmed you naked? No, and at this point I'd rather it stay that way.
22. Has anyone ever taken pictures of, or filmed you having sex? No, and I'd prefer that to not happen
23. Have you ever taken pictures of, or filmed, someone else naked or having sex? No... and that'd be a bit awkward for me, really. I consider it a more personal, privately intimate thing myself. That stuff just ain't for me.
24. Has anyone ever watched you having sex? No... because I haven't had any, yet.
25. Have you ever watched others having sex? No
26. Have you ever watched others having sex, without their knowledge? point your eyes upward. No, not at the ceiling, to the last question
27. How old were you when you masturbated for the first time? Hummm... 10 or 11. Right at the start of puberty. It was a accidental discovery... and a good one, at that!
28. How often do you masturbate now? Hmmm...nowadays, not too often. I'm holding out to make my inimate experiences better. But if I were to masturbate regularly, I'd probably do it just about every day, perhaps multiple times a day.
29. What do you usually think about while you masturbate? Images of my lover, what makes me feel good, things that he says or does that turn me on, those good things
30. What's your favorite masturbation technique? good ol' hands. Rubbing outside and inside simulatinously. Yum.
31. Where is the most interesting place you've ever masturbated? I've got two, actually: once in my 6th grade math class, and once in a dark auditorium during a concert. Yay for being subtle!
32. Which do you like better, giving or receiving oral sex? I like them both, really. Recieving... feels really good! And giving... I like making others feel good! =)
33. Who is the one person you'd really like to give you oral sex? Alan. No other.
34. If you could easily gratify yourself with oral sex, would you? Um... it would feel nice, yes, but I'm not sure if I'd like my own flavor.
35. Spit or swallow? Spit. That's stuff's kinda icky.
36. Have you ever had, or wanted to have, a threesome? Not really, no
37. What would be the breakdown of your ideal threesome? (Two guys? Two gals? One of each? A goat and a horse?) Um... if I DID have one, I suppose I'd like two guys. More attention on me!
38. Who would your ideal threesome be with? Johnny Depp and Elijah Wood and Me. Damn.
39. Do those people know that you want to have a threesome with them? If not, why not? No. They have no idea I exist.
40. Have you ever been involved in an orgy? Yes! Lots of times I've been in a room with sockless people! (Where did THAT particular definition come from, anyway?)
41. If so, how many people were involved? anywhere from 3 to about 10. Wild parties, man.
42. Were drugs involved? If you count sugar and caffeiene, oh yeah.
43. What's the most number of times you've had sex in one night? 0. I want to change that.
44. What's the most public place in which you've had sex? Nowhere public. Nowhere at all.
45. What's the most public place in which you'd like to have sex? Hm... Not really all THAT public, but I'd like a forest setting. Or perhaps behind a waterfall...
46. Would you have or have you ever had sex with your best friend? Why or why not? My best friend is pretty much my boyfriend. So sure. Otherwise, no. That wouldn't help that sort of relationship at all.
47. Have you had, or would you ever have, sex with a neighbor? No. My neighbors are very nonsexable.
48. Have you ever been sexually obsessed with someone? Yeah... at one point. Very briefly. I was charged and confused. Don't really want to do that again.
49. What is your wildest sexual fantasy? I don't have too many "wild" ones... and when I do, they're like dreams--I get out of my trance, as it were, and forget most of them if not all of them. From the ones I remember... being tied down, being unmercifully teased, being aggressively taken over... I don't like the whole D/s thing, but being submissive once in a while appeals to me
50. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever tried, sexually? Um... chocolate frosting. On me. It tasted yummy. From what I hear. =) Oh, and I was lightly tied down once. That was interesting. I could do it again sometime.
51. What's the most creative thing you've ever done with a sex toy? Never used one, really. Maybe one day Alan will get Rez... (for those who don't know, look it up--it's a video game)
52. What is the oddest object you've ever inserted into your body, or parts of your body into, for sexual gratification? never inserted anything unusual...
53. If you could have sex with anybody you know, completely guilt free, who would it be and why? Alan, I'm at that level of trust with him.
54. If you were given the opportunity to have sex with a perfect clone of yourself, would you? No... That would just be too far down on my weird scale.
55. If you had the opportunity to be professionally photographed for Playboy/Playgirl, or pose for a statue by Michelangelo, which would you choose? I'd rather go for Michelangelo, cause he would be artistically recreating my beautiful body. Playboy would be like "LOOK! FEMALE PARTS! HAPPY MASTURBATING!" So objectifying...
56. If a sex toy manufacturer asked to make a mold of your genitals in order to mass-produce sex toys for sale worldwide, would you? Why or why not? Um... as long as they payed me very well... why the hell not. Though that's really weird when I think about it... whatever. Just give me the money and don't bother me ever again.
57. If female, have you ever used a strap-on dildo to fuck someone? Nuh-uh.
58. If male, have you ever been sexually penetrated by another? I no male.
59. Did you enjoy the experience? I no answer above question.
60. How much would you have to be paid to have sex with a total stranger? way more than you could give me
61. How much would you have to be paid to have sex on stage in a crowded coliseum? more than the above sum
62. If you were given the opportunity, would you watch someone have sex with an animal? That's... no. Poor animal...
63. If you had to compare yourself to an animal during sex, what animal would it be and why? Um... gee. I think of a cat. Not only because cats are some of my favorite animals, and I'd like to be one anyway, but I just tend to curl up and around next to the person I love and am affectionate to. And if I could purr, I WOULD!
64. In your opinion, is it fair to force hormonally driven young people to wait until they're 18 to have sex? Uh... not completely. You really just can't stop people from having sex, when it comes down to it. It's a very personal decision. I do recommend encouraging them to wait until they are completely sure they are ready (which often happens after the age of 18), and to be smart about it, if anything.
65. Should it be considered a crime if pre-eighteen-year-olds choose to have sex earlier? Not really. Though there should be an age barrier, for sure... I'm not sure what it is, though. Leave the children out of it, definitely.
66. At what age do you believe people should be allowed to take responsibility for their own bodies? Hm... probably around 16 or 17. Don't know exactly why. Just a good age. Maybe I'll just stick with 18.
67. Do you believe that sex education should be taught in public schools? Why or why not? Yes. Better to teach as many as you can with the correct information. No lying, misinforming, or evilizing. They would get such information from other sources eventually, and it's best to have people informed as correctly as possible.
68. In your opinion, who is best equipped to teach sex education to pre-eighteen year olds? Teachers, I think. Parents are allowed too. Teachers for factual information everyone needs, and Parents for personal things. Responsible adults in general, really.
69. Do you believe there is too much, or too little, emphasis put on sex education in today's society? I'm not sure, really. There are those who are too obessessed with it--whether they are "NO SEX ED IT IS EVIL RAAAR!" or "TEACH THEM EVERYTHING!!!" I've already given you my opinions on how it should be.
70. Do you consider your answers you've given on questions 64 - 69 to be objective, or are they based on emotional response? ... I try to be objective, but either way, it's a personal opinion.
Finish the following phrases:
71. If I had to describe my sexual organs, I would say they are... female and pleasure giving. And fertile.
72. The difference(s) between sexuality and sensuality is/are... *scratches head*... well, sexuality tends to be more directly sexually related, sensuality really means appealing to senses, any of them. I think as far as movie ratings go, sensuality = softcore and sexuality = hard core
73. Before I die, I'd like to experience... sex. and being married. and a swiss truffle.
74. I hate it when... people make me feel uncomfortable about this subject, whether they are prying merciless at me when I'm not comfortable enough to discuss such things with them yet, or making me feel bad for being interested in such stuff, saying how evil-minded or perverted I am. Leave me alone!
75. Sex is like... a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get... wait...
No more Annie Nonimos
It's official. You have to be a blog member to post a comment now. Unless you go kill Spam for me. Then you would make me happy.
And a survey to match
1.~How did you meet #13? Our mothers introduced us when we were but young babies
2.~What would you do if you had never met #5? Have a much sadder of a time in college. She was pretty much responsible for the introduction of my other friends in college, including my boyfriend
3.~What do you honestly think of #10? He's a cool, intelligent, sweet friend; a bit clueless and a tad on the unreliable side sometimes, but when you really need him, he's a treasure
4.~Would or did #19 and #8 go out? Um... not unless the universe flipped upside down. If that happened, after exclaiming "WHAAAAA???" for 10 minutes, I'd laugh my limbs off
5.~Have you ever liked #3? Liked? Of course! She's one of my better friends. Crush? Hee hee... you know I love ya, babe! ;)
6.~If #1 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? That I love him, and that I would be strong for him... oh god, please don't make me think about that...
7.~Would #2 and #11 make a good couple? Um... I'm not so sure. I can't see their personalites mixing together to form any more than friendship. He's more layed back, she's more serious. Nothing bad about either of those, but yeah. A friendship between them, however, I would NOT oppose.
8.~Describe #7 in 3 words: giggly, smart, cute
9.~Do you think #12 is hot? He's the hottest gay man I know.
10.~Would #1 and #17 make a lovely couple? (What's with all the couple questions?!) Hee hee... that actually sounds really funny. One of my first friends I ever made on campus... and my boyfriend. I think #17 would need to find her a better anime geek. No offense, #1.
11.~What do you think of when you see #8? Colorful hair, liberal dressing, liberal attitude, and an all-out-there personality. And one sexy babe!
12.~Tell me something humiliating about #11: Aw... that's not nice... I can't think of something humliating about #11. So far anything he's done has been cool, funny, dorky, geeky, or nice; but never humliating. Perhaps I should hang out with him more for a chance to change all of that. =)
13.~Do you know any of #6's family members? Not personally. I'm aquainted with her parents and her sister, and I've seen her brothers a couple of times.
14.~What's #20's favorite color? Blue! No, yelloooooowww... Honestly, I have no idea. And it's not all that important to me, frankly
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is #14? 10. She's adorable. And you know it.
16.~What would you do if #4 just professed their undying love for you? I'd say... "I love you, but you're not my type. And by type, I mean gender." and then I'd wake up, cause it'd be a weird dream.
17.~What language does #19 speak? English, and a bit of Cantonese, unless I'm mistaken
18.~Who is #16 going out with? She's engaged to Mark the Marine.
19.~Is #9 a boy or a girl? She is SO a girl. And I would know... =D
20.~Would #18 and #4 make a good couple? (*sigh* Here we go again) ... No. A silent film has more color than his personality, and she's too good of a person. That's right. Ouch.
21.~Who do you think #15 would be great with from this list? "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..." I think he could go for someone his age, at least. He's one of the old guys of the list. Not sure how well he'd match up with anyone on my list, in that sense... Matched up with #1 though, and you get quite the duo!
22.~When was the last time you talked to #12? At the end of last school year. I've missed him... I get to see him again soon!
23.~What is #3's favorite band? I know one of them at the moment is My Chemical Romance.
24.~Does #2 have any siblings? Yep. #19.
25.~Would you ever date #6? We'd have to lesbians. Last time I checked, we didn't fall under that catagory.
26.~Would you ever date #7? See above. Plus, this young lady's in a relationship with a BOY. And you know what? So am I! See? We don't match up well at all.
27.~Is #15 single? Yes he is. Man, is this a cupid-playing-oriented quiz or what?
28.~What is #20's last name? Desmairas. French for "Swamp People."
29.~What is #18's middle name? Um... was it Adam? I think so.
30~What is #10's fantasy? To meet the Korean girl of his dreams, marry her, and populate the world with their children.
31.~Where does #9 live? New York, New York, at the moment.
32.~Would you make out with #13? The creator of this test is now in front of a mirror, tearfully lamenting "Can anybody find meee... soooomebody to looooove!" And no. no. no. no. and no.
33.~Are #5 and #6 best friends? They've never met. I imagine they'd get along pretty well, to a point.
34.~Does #7 like #20? Heh... once upon a time. But the winds of past have blown that away like a stray piece of paper.
35.~How did you meet #18? Hmm... We first met in 6th grade, during ecology club. We were making a big poster with a zoologically diverse planet on it. I was drawing dolphins, he was drawing sharks. He was trying to outnumber my dolphins with his sharks, I was outnumbering his sharks with my dolphins. Ah, the innocent days...
36.~Is #12 older than you? Yes he is. By at least 2 years.
37.~Is #17 the sexiest person alive? Creator was full of surging hormones too. Jeez. Anyway, in the anime-geek way, sure thing!
2.~What would you do if you had never met #5? Have a much sadder of a time in college. She was pretty much responsible for the introduction of my other friends in college, including my boyfriend
3.~What do you honestly think of #10? He's a cool, intelligent, sweet friend; a bit clueless and a tad on the unreliable side sometimes, but when you really need him, he's a treasure
4.~Would or did #19 and #8 go out? Um... not unless the universe flipped upside down. If that happened, after exclaiming "WHAAAAA???" for 10 minutes, I'd laugh my limbs off
5.~Have you ever liked #3? Liked? Of course! She's one of my better friends. Crush? Hee hee... you know I love ya, babe! ;)
6.~If #1 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? That I love him, and that I would be strong for him... oh god, please don't make me think about that...
7.~Would #2 and #11 make a good couple? Um... I'm not so sure. I can't see their personalites mixing together to form any more than friendship. He's more layed back, she's more serious. Nothing bad about either of those, but yeah. A friendship between them, however, I would NOT oppose.
8.~Describe #7 in 3 words: giggly, smart, cute
9.~Do you think #12 is hot? He's the hottest gay man I know.
10.~Would #1 and #17 make a lovely couple? (What's with all the couple questions?!) Hee hee... that actually sounds really funny. One of my first friends I ever made on campus... and my boyfriend. I think #17 would need to find her a better anime geek. No offense, #1.
11.~What do you think of when you see #8? Colorful hair, liberal dressing, liberal attitude, and an all-out-there personality. And one sexy babe!
12.~Tell me something humiliating about #11: Aw... that's not nice... I can't think of something humliating about #11. So far anything he's done has been cool, funny, dorky, geeky, or nice; but never humliating. Perhaps I should hang out with him more for a chance to change all of that. =)
13.~Do you know any of #6's family members? Not personally. I'm aquainted with her parents and her sister, and I've seen her brothers a couple of times.
14.~What's #20's favorite color? Blue! No, yelloooooowww... Honestly, I have no idea. And it's not all that important to me, frankly
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is #14? 10. She's adorable. And you know it.
16.~What would you do if #4 just professed their undying love for you? I'd say... "I love you, but you're not my type. And by type, I mean gender." and then I'd wake up, cause it'd be a weird dream.
17.~What language does #19 speak? English, and a bit of Cantonese, unless I'm mistaken
18.~Who is #16 going out with? She's engaged to Mark the Marine.
19.~Is #9 a boy or a girl? She is SO a girl. And I would know... =D
20.~Would #18 and #4 make a good couple? (*sigh* Here we go again) ... No. A silent film has more color than his personality, and she's too good of a person. That's right. Ouch.
21.~Who do you think #15 would be great with from this list? "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..." I think he could go for someone his age, at least. He's one of the old guys of the list. Not sure how well he'd match up with anyone on my list, in that sense... Matched up with #1 though, and you get quite the duo!
22.~When was the last time you talked to #12? At the end of last school year. I've missed him... I get to see him again soon!
23.~What is #3's favorite band? I know one of them at the moment is My Chemical Romance.
24.~Does #2 have any siblings? Yep. #19.
25.~Would you ever date #6? We'd have to lesbians. Last time I checked, we didn't fall under that catagory.
26.~Would you ever date #7? See above. Plus, this young lady's in a relationship with a BOY. And you know what? So am I! See? We don't match up well at all.
27.~Is #15 single? Yes he is. Man, is this a cupid-playing-oriented quiz or what?
28.~What is #20's last name? Desmairas. French for "Swamp People."
29.~What is #18's middle name? Um... was it Adam? I think so.
30~What is #10's fantasy? To meet the Korean girl of his dreams, marry her, and populate the world with their children.
31.~Where does #9 live? New York, New York, at the moment.
32.~Would you make out with #13? The creator of this test is now in front of a mirror, tearfully lamenting "Can anybody find meee... soooomebody to looooove!" And no. no. no. no. and no.
33.~Are #5 and #6 best friends? They've never met. I imagine they'd get along pretty well, to a point.
34.~Does #7 like #20? Heh... once upon a time. But the winds of past have blown that away like a stray piece of paper.
35.~How did you meet #18? Hmm... We first met in 6th grade, during ecology club. We were making a big poster with a zoologically diverse planet on it. I was drawing dolphins, he was drawing sharks. He was trying to outnumber my dolphins with his sharks, I was outnumbering his sharks with my dolphins. Ah, the innocent days...
36.~Is #12 older than you? Yes he is. By at least 2 years.
37.~Is #17 the sexiest person alive? Creator was full of surging hormones too. Jeez. Anyway, in the anime-geek way, sure thing!
Names
1. Alan
2. Candice
3. Michelle
4. Sarah
5. Kit
6. Sonja
7. Deanna
8. Danielle
9. Aleeza
10. Luan
11. Ryan
12. Random
13. Kirsten
14. Allie
15. Eric
16. Lee
17. Adria
18. Bob
19. Jason
20. David
2. Candice
3. Michelle
4. Sarah
5. Kit
6. Sonja
7. Deanna
8. Danielle
9. Aleeza
10. Luan
11. Ryan
12. Random
13. Kirsten
14. Allie
15. Eric
16. Lee
17. Adria
18. Bob
19. Jason
20. David
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Happy Belated Blogiversary!
Well, as of 9/9/05, I've had this thing for a year. I came close to giving it up due to neglegance and difficulty in motivating myself to sum up the little stories in my life over and over again, but I kept this thing up anyway! Yay for not giving up just because it gets hard!
It's a help to be socialized once in a while. Last week I was graced by Michelle's presence for one day. We sat and had a long and meaningful talk about many things. It was good talking with her again, she's one of the reasons I would miss my home town. I was happy that day. Days later, Luan treated me to some Pho and 5 minutes of tennis, and some more nice conversations (he made up for not painting his room with me). He also rekindled my appetite for piano players. They rock my socks off. Friends did a big part in lessinging the suckiness the previous days had brought me.
Then this was a wonderful little weekend. Last of Alan's and my visits for the summer. Last weekend of the summer, really. It feels like Autumn's hit already. The weather got about 20 degrees cooler, the clouds are making more and more appearances, and it's raining on and off. Some of the trees are deciding the days are growing too short to hold onto their leaves (useless little fact: Trees know when to start losing their leaves not because the weather gets colder, but because the days get shorter). So Alan and I had a good weekend, enjoying each other's company, and being happy. I'll tell you, it's one thing for me to be happy, but to see someone you really care about so happy, that's when I really feel great. We watched some really bad movies via Mystery Science Theater 3000, ate some delicious watermelon, made some banana splits, listened to Lewis Black, took a walk through the forest; lots of fun things.
And now in four days I will be moving back to Western. Four days. Four. Days. That's crazy talk. Alan nicely worded this feeling a few days ago, I'll paraphrase it a bit. After waiting for something so long, counting every day that snail-passed by, thinking that the road looked longer the closer I was getting to my destination... suddenly it's just about here, and I'm like "What? Already?" Christmas happened like that alot for me. Still does, really. Every time Alan would visit or I would visit him, happened just like this. And now the school year's nearly upon me. God damn. You get so used to waiting, and then you don't have to wait anymore. I'm glad I don't have to wait too much longer, for sure. But still... weird. I'll be able to see the lovely little city of Bellingham once more, and enjoy the freedom and uniqueness of life that comes from Life on Western Campus. I look mucho forward to that.
So that's all I got to say now.
Except for one thing: if I get spammed again (*shakes fist and swears at such things*), I'm going to have to block off anonymous comments. Just a heads-up for those of you without blogger accounts--you may have to get one if you still want to add your opinions to my little collection.
It's a help to be socialized once in a while. Last week I was graced by Michelle's presence for one day. We sat and had a long and meaningful talk about many things. It was good talking with her again, she's one of the reasons I would miss my home town. I was happy that day. Days later, Luan treated me to some Pho and 5 minutes of tennis, and some more nice conversations (he made up for not painting his room with me). He also rekindled my appetite for piano players. They rock my socks off. Friends did a big part in lessinging the suckiness the previous days had brought me.
Then this was a wonderful little weekend. Last of Alan's and my visits for the summer. Last weekend of the summer, really. It feels like Autumn's hit already. The weather got about 20 degrees cooler, the clouds are making more and more appearances, and it's raining on and off. Some of the trees are deciding the days are growing too short to hold onto their leaves (useless little fact: Trees know when to start losing their leaves not because the weather gets colder, but because the days get shorter). So Alan and I had a good weekend, enjoying each other's company, and being happy. I'll tell you, it's one thing for me to be happy, but to see someone you really care about so happy, that's when I really feel great. We watched some really bad movies via Mystery Science Theater 3000, ate some delicious watermelon, made some banana splits, listened to Lewis Black, took a walk through the forest; lots of fun things.
And now in four days I will be moving back to Western. Four days. Four. Days. That's crazy talk. Alan nicely worded this feeling a few days ago, I'll paraphrase it a bit. After waiting for something so long, counting every day that snail-passed by, thinking that the road looked longer the closer I was getting to my destination... suddenly it's just about here, and I'm like "What? Already?" Christmas happened like that alot for me. Still does, really. Every time Alan would visit or I would visit him, happened just like this. And now the school year's nearly upon me. God damn. You get so used to waiting, and then you don't have to wait anymore. I'm glad I don't have to wait too much longer, for sure. But still... weird. I'll be able to see the lovely little city of Bellingham once more, and enjoy the freedom and uniqueness of life that comes from Life on Western Campus. I look mucho forward to that.
So that's all I got to say now.
Except for one thing: if I get spammed again (*shakes fist and swears at such things*), I'm going to have to block off anonymous comments. Just a heads-up for those of you without blogger accounts--you may have to get one if you still want to add your opinions to my little collection.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
To Hell With It
I'll figure out a substantial entry later. Moo.
FIRST GRADE TEACHER'S NAME: Naola. and I remember that because we called our teachers by their first name back at that school
LAST WORDS YOU SAID: jeez... I can't remember.. somewhere along the lings of "uh-huh" to my mom telling me about laundry to do.
LAST SONG YOU SANG: any one of the many talking heads songs that's stuck in my head
LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: I sort of hugged Luan yesterday.
LAST THING YOU LAUGHED AT: Sex Zombies. Ask me later.
LAST TIME YOU SAID I DON'T REMEMBER: earlier in this survey.
LAST TIME YOU CRIED: last night, briefly
COLOR OF SOCKS YOU'RE WEARING: none. I don't like to wear socks in my bed, makes my feet too hot.
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED: used to be a mattress which is currently being used in the guest room. As of now, lint and dirt and maybe a few things that get slowly sucked in by the black hole in there
TIME YOU WOKE UP TODAY: 9:30 ish
CURRENT TASTE: a little bit if mint toothpaste
CURRENT HAIR: a good deal past my shoulders, brown, straight
CURRENT LOVE: Alan. Those who know me and don't know that... yeah. Get with the times.
CURRENT ANNOYANCE: Several things about myself.
CURRENT LONGING: To be in a better mood and for Alan to be around for it
CURRENT DESKTOP BACKGROUND: A colorful, stylistic work of art I stole off the internet. It's a sunset and a lake and two people hugging with a heart between them.
CURRENT WORRY: That I'll screw things up.
CURRENT HATE: That the days go by even slower when something is just about to happen.
CURRENT FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING: My red and black splotched nice shirt. I don't know how else to describe it. I hope those of you who have seen it know what I'm talking about.
FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OTHER/SAME SEX: Brain.
LAST CD YOU LISTENED TO: Best of the Talking Heads. Right now it's their turn to rock my world.
FAVORITE PLACE TO BE: surrounded by people I care about who are glad to be with me (and right now, my family doesn't count... it's been a long summer)
LEAST FAVORITE PLACE: Alone and unfamiliar
TIME YOU WAKE UP: I was pretty good at waking up at 10 for a while, but then I started waking up around 11. Now I'm seeing if I can do 9.
IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: Guitar. It's still an infatuation of mine. Other than that, I wish I could stick to piano a little more...
FAVORITE COLOR: Red, glorious, red
DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE: It's a nice thought. I'm not going to stick completely to it.
HOW TALL ARE YOU: 5'2 3/4"
CURRENT FAVORITE WORD/SAYING: Word, I made up my own swearword: "Monkeybutts!" Saying, I like saying this to people for various reasons: "Jump up and down!"
FAVORITE BOOK: Um... I've got several. And look in my profile if you want to see them.
FAVORITE SEASON: Well... summer, if not for the loneliness and the boredom.
PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU'D LIKE TO TALK TO: Hm... my best friend, Lauren, from California. I hardly kept in touch with her after I moved in 3rd grade. She was a good gal.
PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU DON'T WANNA TALK TO: Several. There are a few people from middle school I'd care never to interact with again, for sure.
DO YOU GO TO COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY: And I'll be moving back to Western in ONE WEEK!!!
WHAT IS YOUR CAREER GOING TO BE: I'm hoping Pastry Chef will be my route.
HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT: 2
HAD A PET THAT YOU KILLED: I didn't kill them, but they've died.
SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT: Many times. In fact, I only remember saying it once and not meaning it. Prompted by the other person who was saying it and sure as hell knew they didn't mean it either. Oy.
GOTTEN IN A FIGHT WiTH YOUR PET: Yes... I'm sorry, Pets.
BEEN TO NEW YORK: No
BEEN TO FLORIDA: No
BEEN TO CALIFORNIA: YES! Born and lived there for 8 years.
BEEN TO HAWAII: No
BEEN TO MEXICO: No
BEEN TO EUROPE: No
HAVE YOU EVER MET ANYONE OFF THE NET: Technically yes, but that's because they were friends of someone I knew
DREAMED OF SOMETHING REALLY CRAZY AND THEN IT HAPPENED THE NEXT DAY: Anything I dreamed that happened the next day wasn't all that crazy, and anything crazy I dreamed didn't happen the next day.
HAD SEX WITH A FRIEND: Nope.
HAD SEX WITH AN EX'S FRiEND: *shakes head*
WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE AND REGRET IT: Oh yeah. Never an "official" relationship, but we did go out.
DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: I think it's safe to say it's more than a crush, now
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW: I should be reading... but I'm not.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: It's either seeing someone you really care about else in pain and knowing you caused it, or having a cavity filled without novicane
FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP: Either "Dream...." or I start slowly but surely remembering events of yesterday and what's to come today
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER: However long it takes to get to the phone
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME: Um... Serena.
FUTURE SON'S NAME: something with a J. I'm not sure yet.
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP WITH: Pillows, my cats
FAVORITE TV SHOW: I need to rekindle this catagory in me again
WISH WERE HERE WITH YOU: Someone who would give me a hug
TATTOOS: none, unless you count the spot of graphite in my thigh from when I sat on a pencil
PIERCINGS: Ears, one hole each
THE EXTRA STUFF...
DO YOU DO DRUGS: Only the painkilling kind
DO YOU DRINK: Hardly ever. In fact, never, had it not been for the handful of times when I did
WHAT TOOTHPASTE DO YOU USE: Crest, I believe
WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER DO YOU USE: Any old shampoo, but conditioner from Biolage
WHAT ARE YOU MOST SCARED OF: Messing up everything with the ones I love, and being all alone and vulnerable
WHAT CLOTHES DO YOU SLEEP IN: PJs, pj bottoms and big shirt or sometimes any old shirt
WHO IS THE LAST PERSON THAT CALLED YOU: Alan
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED: hmmm... somewhere pretty. A garden, perhaps
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: That I could be better at liking myself
WHO DO YOU REALLY HATE: pretty much no one.
BEEN IN LOVE: Yeah. Right about now
ARE YOU TIMLY OR ALWAYS LATE: I try to be timely, but I think I'm picking up my parents' habit of taking forever to get out of the house
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: *sigh* No...
DO YOU LIKE BEING AROUND PEOPLE: Yes, most of the time. Sometimes I'm a bit anti-social, though
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Loving and being loved, or an orgasm
DO YOU HAVE ANY STUFFED ANIMALS: yes, and they're all chilling out on my bookshelves
ARE YOU A HEALTH FREAK: Not really. I don't do anything stupid, but If my metabolism weren't so freakishly quick, I'd be one tub of lard
DO YOU HAVE A "TYPE" OF PERSON YOU ALWAYS GO AFTER: I'm usually attracted to the shy, quiet, introverted ones... I guess that's the first impression I make on people. Interestingly enough, that's not who I'm with right now. But I think that's a good thing.
DO YOU WANT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T HAVE: No
ARE YOU LONELY RIGHT NOW: Yes
EVER AFRAID YOU'LL NEVER GET MARRIED: Not so much anymore
DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED: Very much so
DO YOU WANT KIDS: Eventually, perhaps. It's not really that big of a concern right now for me.
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED: Yeah
BOUGHT SOMETHING: No. Luan covered me! =)
GOTTEN SICK: No
SANG: Little bits of the Talking heads songs stuck in my head
SAID I LOVE YOU: yes
WANTED TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVED THEM: yes, and then I told them
MET SOMEONE: No one new
MOVED ON: not yet
TALKED TO SOMEONE: yes
HAD A SERIOUS TALK: pretty much
MISSED SOMEONE: yeah
HUGGED SOMEONE: sort of hugged Luan
YELLED AT SOMEONE: no
DREAMED ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T BE WiTH: no
And there we have it. It was something for me to do.
FIRST GRADE TEACHER'S NAME: Naola. and I remember that because we called our teachers by their first name back at that school
LAST WORDS YOU SAID: jeez... I can't remember.. somewhere along the lings of "uh-huh" to my mom telling me about laundry to do.
LAST SONG YOU SANG: any one of the many talking heads songs that's stuck in my head
LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: I sort of hugged Luan yesterday.
LAST THING YOU LAUGHED AT: Sex Zombies. Ask me later.
LAST TIME YOU SAID I DON'T REMEMBER: earlier in this survey.
LAST TIME YOU CRIED: last night, briefly
COLOR OF SOCKS YOU'RE WEARING: none. I don't like to wear socks in my bed, makes my feet too hot.
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED: used to be a mattress which is currently being used in the guest room. As of now, lint and dirt and maybe a few things that get slowly sucked in by the black hole in there
TIME YOU WOKE UP TODAY: 9:30 ish
CURRENT TASTE: a little bit if mint toothpaste
CURRENT HAIR: a good deal past my shoulders, brown, straight
CURRENT LOVE: Alan. Those who know me and don't know that... yeah. Get with the times.
CURRENT ANNOYANCE: Several things about myself.
CURRENT LONGING: To be in a better mood and for Alan to be around for it
CURRENT DESKTOP BACKGROUND: A colorful, stylistic work of art I stole off the internet. It's a sunset and a lake and two people hugging with a heart between them.
CURRENT WORRY: That I'll screw things up.
CURRENT HATE: That the days go by even slower when something is just about to happen.
CURRENT FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING: My red and black splotched nice shirt. I don't know how else to describe it. I hope those of you who have seen it know what I'm talking about.
FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OTHER/SAME SEX: Brain.
LAST CD YOU LISTENED TO: Best of the Talking Heads. Right now it's their turn to rock my world.
FAVORITE PLACE TO BE: surrounded by people I care about who are glad to be with me (and right now, my family doesn't count... it's been a long summer)
LEAST FAVORITE PLACE: Alone and unfamiliar
TIME YOU WAKE UP: I was pretty good at waking up at 10 for a while, but then I started waking up around 11. Now I'm seeing if I can do 9.
IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: Guitar. It's still an infatuation of mine. Other than that, I wish I could stick to piano a little more...
FAVORITE COLOR: Red, glorious, red
DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE: It's a nice thought. I'm not going to stick completely to it.
HOW TALL ARE YOU: 5'2 3/4"
CURRENT FAVORITE WORD/SAYING: Word, I made up my own swearword: "Monkeybutts!" Saying, I like saying this to people for various reasons: "Jump up and down!"
FAVORITE BOOK: Um... I've got several. And look in my profile if you want to see them.
FAVORITE SEASON: Well... summer, if not for the loneliness and the boredom.
PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU'D LIKE TO TALK TO: Hm... my best friend, Lauren, from California. I hardly kept in touch with her after I moved in 3rd grade. She was a good gal.
PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU DON'T WANNA TALK TO: Several. There are a few people from middle school I'd care never to interact with again, for sure.
DO YOU GO TO COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY: And I'll be moving back to Western in ONE WEEK!!!
WHAT IS YOUR CAREER GOING TO BE: I'm hoping Pastry Chef will be my route.
HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT: 2
HAD A PET THAT YOU KILLED: I didn't kill them, but they've died.
SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT: Many times. In fact, I only remember saying it once and not meaning it. Prompted by the other person who was saying it and sure as hell knew they didn't mean it either. Oy.
GOTTEN IN A FIGHT WiTH YOUR PET: Yes... I'm sorry, Pets.
BEEN TO NEW YORK: No
BEEN TO FLORIDA: No
BEEN TO CALIFORNIA: YES! Born and lived there for 8 years.
BEEN TO HAWAII: No
BEEN TO MEXICO: No
BEEN TO EUROPE: No
HAVE YOU EVER MET ANYONE OFF THE NET: Technically yes, but that's because they were friends of someone I knew
DREAMED OF SOMETHING REALLY CRAZY AND THEN IT HAPPENED THE NEXT DAY: Anything I dreamed that happened the next day wasn't all that crazy, and anything crazy I dreamed didn't happen the next day.
HAD SEX WITH A FRIEND: Nope.
HAD SEX WITH AN EX'S FRiEND: *shakes head*
WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE AND REGRET IT: Oh yeah. Never an "official" relationship, but we did go out.
DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: I think it's safe to say it's more than a crush, now
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW: I should be reading... but I'm not.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: It's either seeing someone you really care about else in pain and knowing you caused it, or having a cavity filled without novicane
FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP: Either "Dream...." or I start slowly but surely remembering events of yesterday and what's to come today
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER: However long it takes to get to the phone
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME: Um... Serena.
FUTURE SON'S NAME: something with a J. I'm not sure yet.
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP WITH: Pillows, my cats
FAVORITE TV SHOW: I need to rekindle this catagory in me again
WISH WERE HERE WITH YOU: Someone who would give me a hug
TATTOOS: none, unless you count the spot of graphite in my thigh from when I sat on a pencil
PIERCINGS: Ears, one hole each
THE EXTRA STUFF...
DO YOU DO DRUGS: Only the painkilling kind
DO YOU DRINK: Hardly ever. In fact, never, had it not been for the handful of times when I did
WHAT TOOTHPASTE DO YOU USE: Crest, I believe
WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER DO YOU USE: Any old shampoo, but conditioner from Biolage
WHAT ARE YOU MOST SCARED OF: Messing up everything with the ones I love, and being all alone and vulnerable
WHAT CLOTHES DO YOU SLEEP IN: PJs, pj bottoms and big shirt or sometimes any old shirt
WHO IS THE LAST PERSON THAT CALLED YOU: Alan
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED: hmmm... somewhere pretty. A garden, perhaps
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: That I could be better at liking myself
WHO DO YOU REALLY HATE: pretty much no one.
BEEN IN LOVE: Yeah. Right about now
ARE YOU TIMLY OR ALWAYS LATE: I try to be timely, but I think I'm picking up my parents' habit of taking forever to get out of the house
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: *sigh* No...
DO YOU LIKE BEING AROUND PEOPLE: Yes, most of the time. Sometimes I'm a bit anti-social, though
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Loving and being loved, or an orgasm
DO YOU HAVE ANY STUFFED ANIMALS: yes, and they're all chilling out on my bookshelves
ARE YOU A HEALTH FREAK: Not really. I don't do anything stupid, but If my metabolism weren't so freakishly quick, I'd be one tub of lard
DO YOU HAVE A "TYPE" OF PERSON YOU ALWAYS GO AFTER: I'm usually attracted to the shy, quiet, introverted ones... I guess that's the first impression I make on people. Interestingly enough, that's not who I'm with right now. But I think that's a good thing.
DO YOU WANT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T HAVE: No
ARE YOU LONELY RIGHT NOW: Yes
EVER AFRAID YOU'LL NEVER GET MARRIED: Not so much anymore
DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED: Very much so
DO YOU WANT KIDS: Eventually, perhaps. It's not really that big of a concern right now for me.
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED: Yeah
BOUGHT SOMETHING: No. Luan covered me! =)
GOTTEN SICK: No
SANG: Little bits of the Talking heads songs stuck in my head
SAID I LOVE YOU: yes
WANTED TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVED THEM: yes, and then I told them
MET SOMEONE: No one new
MOVED ON: not yet
TALKED TO SOMEONE: yes
HAD A SERIOUS TALK: pretty much
MISSED SOMEONE: yeah
HUGGED SOMEONE: sort of hugged Luan
YELLED AT SOMEONE: no
DREAMED ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T BE WiTH: no
And there we have it. It was something for me to do.
Friday, September 02, 2005
mph.
Usually I'd be happy to whine and complain about my not so happy week. I don't feel like it much right now.
I'll sum it up just a bit. Monday, my dog Kelly had to be put to sleep. Several nights in a row Alan and I have had rough converstations (while nothing absolutely serious, it put dampers on our days). Yesterday I went to see a movie and my Curse of the Theaters still holds. I got a splitting headache. Just like the last 5 or 6 times. Last night I got sick to my stomach. That plus the headache wasn't good. Mom gave me medicine, I woke up at random points in the middle of the night. Eventually I got better. But it was quite the night.
And that's all. Here's to wishing for better days ahead. And you know what else? In a week I'll see Alan and my friend Kit again (and maybe some other people) again. In less than two weeks, I'll get to move back...
*sigh* Being patient is biting me.
I'll sum it up just a bit. Monday, my dog Kelly had to be put to sleep. Several nights in a row Alan and I have had rough converstations (while nothing absolutely serious, it put dampers on our days). Yesterday I went to see a movie and my Curse of the Theaters still holds. I got a splitting headache. Just like the last 5 or 6 times. Last night I got sick to my stomach. That plus the headache wasn't good. Mom gave me medicine, I woke up at random points in the middle of the night. Eventually I got better. But it was quite the night.
And that's all. Here's to wishing for better days ahead. And you know what else? In a week I'll see Alan and my friend Kit again (and maybe some other people) again. In less than two weeks, I'll get to move back...
*sigh* Being patient is biting me.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Genuflect. And drool. All of you.
*Holy Choir Music* "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
The "almost fell" feeling...
Well. Tuesday was... an adventure, in one sense. The kind of adventure that keeps you on edge, in complete discomfort for a while, and, when the time comes, makes you feel so relieved that it's over. And when you look back on it, you realize that maybe you were a little bit stronger than you thought you were.
This is the kind of adventure where you find yourself crossing an open distance in between two tall mountians--over a great height--over a rickety old bridge. You can't turn around now. You have to cross this bridge. You're beginning to lose your will the farther you go, and you look down, and loose your step. In that slow-motion stumble, you wonder if it's really worth getting to that other mountain, when all the mountains before haven't been all that easy anyway. You wonder if you really need to hold onto the bridge, which is shaking back and forth now. But instead, you catch the rope, and experience that tingling yet numbing feeling of having just slipped and lost your balance. A little encouragement from the friends around you, and you cross that damn thing, your feet hit the ground, and you bend over and kiss it and hold it tightly, thanking everything worth worshipping that it's solid and holds you steady no matter what. You thank everything that you didn't decide to let go, and although the road ahead is still a long, difficult one, you're willing to travel across it even more, thanking the earth with each step.
I broke down pretty bad at Alan's place on Saturday night. We had lots of fun, yes, as he described earlier. And I sure as heck acknowledge all of that. But I suppose I can't leave too much out. The not so pretty things have to been seen as well. So I broke down. Eventually I felt a little better, but then, early Sunday afternoon, something snapped again, and I was not doing well at all. For the first time I considered just clamming up for good. I was tired of having to spill out all of my feelings and problems every time one little thing set me off. Yes, I knew it was bad for me. It's like shaking up a soda can more and more every minute, and rather than opening it slowly and letting all the built up energy out, continuing to shake it and hoping it doesn't explode any time soon. But I wanted to believe, like every time before, that I would be okay, that eventually all the energy would just die down and I'd be good again. Very stupid indeed. Of course more negative, unreleased energy built up. I found myself blocking Alan out. Wanting to go away. Though, at the same time, I knew I didn't really want to go away. But the negative energy kept gathering and gathering, and I stubbornly kept pushing it down, and became cold and distant. That's like planting a time bomb on a relationship. But dammit... I was sick of breaking down all the time. Sick of feeling bad for one thing or another. I was getting sick of it all... and an ugly, scheming voice inside me began to wonder aloud whether or not I'd be better off alone... My first instinct was to blow it off and tell it to shut up. Though it had an idea running by me... a stop to the unnecessarily emotional waves. Sounded... vaguely interesting. Maybe...
Alan, being the sensible person that he is, confronted me. I wasn't sure how to react to him... He sure as hell knew something was wrong, and he knew the best way to go about it would be to talk it out. That was contradicting my plans... and at first my stubborn side galloped to rescue me, standing in between him and I. But the more he urged me, coaxed me, and a beg not to leave him later... No, I couldn't be icy anymore. Hurting him was not worth all this. I broke down to him yet again, voicing a few things the voices inside me wanted to do. We ended up both being scared, I was still tense... something was still bothering me. I decided to try to end my stay with him on a happier note, though, and requested that we go off and do other things. Which we did. And we did end up on a happier note. For which I'm glad.
That evening, mom came and got me. As usual, I was not happy to leave him, though as we left Redmond (and mostly due to the music playing in the car--The Caesars), I was feeling quite alright, if not a bit happy. Perhaps a little numb at first, the fact that I wasn't going to see him for yet another three whole weeks hadn't quite sunk in yet, it seemed. I got home, and slowly but surely it dawned on me. Later that night I flipped the online switch and found Kit to talk to. I briefly summed up what I mentioned earlier, refering to it as "emotionally rough." Which it was. I began to reflect on how I acted, how much I made the weekend worse than it couldn've been, how sad and scared Alan became because of me... and suddenly the tears started to flow again. Alan came soon after that. We exchanged greetings, and when he asked how I was, all I could think of to reply was "crying." Down and down the misery quicksand I went, turning into an guilty, apologetic, seemlingly incurable sobbing and self-hugging mass. It was a mess. If you saw me you'd think someone had just tried to shoot me. Alan comforted me as best he could, he even called my cell so we could talk (or one of us could talk, the other would blubber). Slowly but surely I followed the road of calming down, and after an escape downstairs to get something to drink and talk to my brother Evan a bit (who's quite alright to talk to on his own), and when I got back to talking to Alan... the feeling of relief was similar to the feeling right after you had to pee really bad. (Lovely simile, I know) I felt much happier and much more relaxed. *Whew*
So all went rather well... until the next night, Monday. Once again, little things ticked me off. I don't like going into detail about all of them... but I will share one. Alan was feeling pretty on top of the world at one point when I was chatting with him online. Of course I was happy he was happy. I like seeing him happy. But before he announced that, I was about to express that I was feeling kinda bummed because I missed him... and at his words... in spite of myself, I became even more bummed I couldn't be with him during such an elevated mood of his. But rather than deflate his little ride on cloud 9, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Not healthy. But he was happy... Soon it wore me down into a very unhappy state. He guessed so by the way my responses to his messages sounded. Then, as he always does in these situations, he turned to someone who could possibly help him and me--my cousin, Kirsten (whom we both had been talking to most of the evening), afraid that he had broken me. She did her best, trying out a usually reliable form of medicine--good music. Unfortunately, it wasn't going to do the trick, no matter what I heard. I knew the only cure would be to let out what I was feeling. But I didn't want to...
Sleep that night didn't leave me feeling better the next morning. I began to sink into that same mindset I had over at Alan's house. I was letting everything pent up again. I didn't want to talk it out all over again. I was sick of trying to surf out emotional wave after emotional wave. I wanted to wall myself up. From... Alan. Perhaps from everyone. Sick and tired of it all. Wanting it all to end... considering, again, that maybe it would be better just to let it all go... to take an "easier" way out. When I finally gave up trying to avoid going online, and Alan tried to start conversation with the semi-relucantant me, I half-way expressed these thoughts to him... but when the actual concept of breaking up, especially when he offered me the choice of letting him stay or asking him to leave me, came up... I felt extremely scared. My first instincts told me not to let go, never to let go. The icky voice in my head told me that it would be a way to end most of this... I knew that if I let Alan go, a big part of me would die with him. Too big of a part, maybe. It was like considering a sort of suicide... the easy way out when things are getting really rough, but it's so permenant... do I really want to do it? Kit signed on, and she tried to talk to me (I figured Alan ran for help again), but I just wanted to keep crying and shredding up an unlucky paper towel in front of me. It became apparently fairly soon that I couldn't keep it held in any longer. My trying to hold back my emotions to the people I trust is like trying to hold back the flood of the century with some drywall. Won't last more than 24 hours. I was talking to Candice at this time too. First just about emailing old pictures I took back in high school, but then I let her know what was happening to me at the moment. Then Alan called... better to sort this out when we can actually hear each other's depressed and scared as hell voices. As I turned into a sobbing, shaking, pile of sorrow, I decided I didn't want to leave him, and told him so. It was still a mostly silent and mournful converstation, and after a while I requested that we switch back to talking on IM. Afterwards, he told me it was time I had to break off my dependance on him. Which is like telling an addict to lay off the drugs... a very hard thing to do, but I knew I had to do it at the same time. I talked to Kit more, explaining my situation, and then I decided to go out and pick some blackberries so that I could make a pie later. My sister and I were IMing each other, and I asked that she come with me to gather these essential ingredients. She was trying to start conversations with Alan, and asked why he was so quiet. I made a deal to explain a bit more of the situation if she would accompany me on the walk.
As we walked, I explained the situation as best as I could to a 13 year old girl who has never really been in a situation like mine. She understood as best she could, and was actually a good listener. I concluded out loud that I probably wouldn't break up with Alan. Her reply was "He's nice..." "Yes, he's very nice." Her way of telling me to stay with him, cause she approves of him. I agree with her. She then began a discussion of what she would look for in a guy, with a note of worry that it might be hard finding someone who would accept the way she is. I assured her that later in life she was sure to meet some very nice guys (mom was right, college is the place). Very interesting talk... not really one she and I have had before. The rest of the trip was spent collecting a bunch of berries, exercising the eager Gryffin, and meeting two ladies with their three dogs along the way. We came home, I made a pie crust, and then Graham started to make dinner, which meant my pie making had to be delayed.
So I went back upstairs and signed online. Alan was there, and said hello to me. I greeted him back, we asked each other how we were doing. I told him I was doing alright, but still working on that feeling... which was true. The walk did make me feel better, but I was still shaken up. The whole idea of breaking up was... well, scary as hell. It was going to take me a while to recover. Alan told me he was still working on it too. I figured the whole thing shook him up just as much. I told him that I decided that in the end, I would not leave him. To my surprise, he replied with a confused "I though you said you wanted to break up...?" No, I never said that, I told him. Suddenly his mood has climbed back up towards the clouds. He misheard me over the phone, it turned out, hearing my "I don't want to break up" as "I think I want to break up" (That guy's little ears need some fixing...). I thought about all that time he sat there, feeling so heartbroken... If there's one thing that makes me feel extremely sad it's knowing I hurt someone else. It brought me to tears right there. I kept reassuring him that I was sure I wouldn't leave him, he told me how incredidly happy he was that I decided to stay with him. It was rather surreal... thinking about random little things that we shared, and thinking that I would have to let them go and not think about them the same way again... Imagining life without him is a very tough thing to do. So slowly but surely we realized how grateful we were to still be together, and I overcame my huge tidal wave of a breakdown. And I went downstairs and made my delicious pie. And talked with Alan the rest of the night.
I never want to have to go through that again.
And the fact that my hormones are making my emotions eat me more isn't helping either. Yet another straw on the camels back.
But to sum up--Alan and I are still together, perhaps even stronger than ever.
YAY!!!!!!!
*cue 1 million love songs. Actually, just the one below*
This is the kind of adventure where you find yourself crossing an open distance in between two tall mountians--over a great height--over a rickety old bridge. You can't turn around now. You have to cross this bridge. You're beginning to lose your will the farther you go, and you look down, and loose your step. In that slow-motion stumble, you wonder if it's really worth getting to that other mountain, when all the mountains before haven't been all that easy anyway. You wonder if you really need to hold onto the bridge, which is shaking back and forth now. But instead, you catch the rope, and experience that tingling yet numbing feeling of having just slipped and lost your balance. A little encouragement from the friends around you, and you cross that damn thing, your feet hit the ground, and you bend over and kiss it and hold it tightly, thanking everything worth worshipping that it's solid and holds you steady no matter what. You thank everything that you didn't decide to let go, and although the road ahead is still a long, difficult one, you're willing to travel across it even more, thanking the earth with each step.
I broke down pretty bad at Alan's place on Saturday night. We had lots of fun, yes, as he described earlier. And I sure as heck acknowledge all of that. But I suppose I can't leave too much out. The not so pretty things have to been seen as well. So I broke down. Eventually I felt a little better, but then, early Sunday afternoon, something snapped again, and I was not doing well at all. For the first time I considered just clamming up for good. I was tired of having to spill out all of my feelings and problems every time one little thing set me off. Yes, I knew it was bad for me. It's like shaking up a soda can more and more every minute, and rather than opening it slowly and letting all the built up energy out, continuing to shake it and hoping it doesn't explode any time soon. But I wanted to believe, like every time before, that I would be okay, that eventually all the energy would just die down and I'd be good again. Very stupid indeed. Of course more negative, unreleased energy built up. I found myself blocking Alan out. Wanting to go away. Though, at the same time, I knew I didn't really want to go away. But the negative energy kept gathering and gathering, and I stubbornly kept pushing it down, and became cold and distant. That's like planting a time bomb on a relationship. But dammit... I was sick of breaking down all the time. Sick of feeling bad for one thing or another. I was getting sick of it all... and an ugly, scheming voice inside me began to wonder aloud whether or not I'd be better off alone... My first instinct was to blow it off and tell it to shut up. Though it had an idea running by me... a stop to the unnecessarily emotional waves. Sounded... vaguely interesting. Maybe...
Alan, being the sensible person that he is, confronted me. I wasn't sure how to react to him... He sure as hell knew something was wrong, and he knew the best way to go about it would be to talk it out. That was contradicting my plans... and at first my stubborn side galloped to rescue me, standing in between him and I. But the more he urged me, coaxed me, and a beg not to leave him later... No, I couldn't be icy anymore. Hurting him was not worth all this. I broke down to him yet again, voicing a few things the voices inside me wanted to do. We ended up both being scared, I was still tense... something was still bothering me. I decided to try to end my stay with him on a happier note, though, and requested that we go off and do other things. Which we did. And we did end up on a happier note. For which I'm glad.
That evening, mom came and got me. As usual, I was not happy to leave him, though as we left Redmond (and mostly due to the music playing in the car--The Caesars), I was feeling quite alright, if not a bit happy. Perhaps a little numb at first, the fact that I wasn't going to see him for yet another three whole weeks hadn't quite sunk in yet, it seemed. I got home, and slowly but surely it dawned on me. Later that night I flipped the online switch and found Kit to talk to. I briefly summed up what I mentioned earlier, refering to it as "emotionally rough." Which it was. I began to reflect on how I acted, how much I made the weekend worse than it couldn've been, how sad and scared Alan became because of me... and suddenly the tears started to flow again. Alan came soon after that. We exchanged greetings, and when he asked how I was, all I could think of to reply was "crying." Down and down the misery quicksand I went, turning into an guilty, apologetic, seemlingly incurable sobbing and self-hugging mass. It was a mess. If you saw me you'd think someone had just tried to shoot me. Alan comforted me as best he could, he even called my cell so we could talk (or one of us could talk, the other would blubber). Slowly but surely I followed the road of calming down, and after an escape downstairs to get something to drink and talk to my brother Evan a bit (who's quite alright to talk to on his own), and when I got back to talking to Alan... the feeling of relief was similar to the feeling right after you had to pee really bad. (Lovely simile, I know) I felt much happier and much more relaxed. *Whew*
So all went rather well... until the next night, Monday. Once again, little things ticked me off. I don't like going into detail about all of them... but I will share one. Alan was feeling pretty on top of the world at one point when I was chatting with him online. Of course I was happy he was happy. I like seeing him happy. But before he announced that, I was about to express that I was feeling kinda bummed because I missed him... and at his words... in spite of myself, I became even more bummed I couldn't be with him during such an elevated mood of his. But rather than deflate his little ride on cloud 9, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Not healthy. But he was happy... Soon it wore me down into a very unhappy state. He guessed so by the way my responses to his messages sounded. Then, as he always does in these situations, he turned to someone who could possibly help him and me--my cousin, Kirsten (whom we both had been talking to most of the evening), afraid that he had broken me. She did her best, trying out a usually reliable form of medicine--good music. Unfortunately, it wasn't going to do the trick, no matter what I heard. I knew the only cure would be to let out what I was feeling. But I didn't want to...
Sleep that night didn't leave me feeling better the next morning. I began to sink into that same mindset I had over at Alan's house. I was letting everything pent up again. I didn't want to talk it out all over again. I was sick of trying to surf out emotional wave after emotional wave. I wanted to wall myself up. From... Alan. Perhaps from everyone. Sick and tired of it all. Wanting it all to end... considering, again, that maybe it would be better just to let it all go... to take an "easier" way out. When I finally gave up trying to avoid going online, and Alan tried to start conversation with the semi-relucantant me, I half-way expressed these thoughts to him... but when the actual concept of breaking up, especially when he offered me the choice of letting him stay or asking him to leave me, came up... I felt extremely scared. My first instincts told me not to let go, never to let go. The icky voice in my head told me that it would be a way to end most of this... I knew that if I let Alan go, a big part of me would die with him. Too big of a part, maybe. It was like considering a sort of suicide... the easy way out when things are getting really rough, but it's so permenant... do I really want to do it? Kit signed on, and she tried to talk to me (I figured Alan ran for help again), but I just wanted to keep crying and shredding up an unlucky paper towel in front of me. It became apparently fairly soon that I couldn't keep it held in any longer. My trying to hold back my emotions to the people I trust is like trying to hold back the flood of the century with some drywall. Won't last more than 24 hours. I was talking to Candice at this time too. First just about emailing old pictures I took back in high school, but then I let her know what was happening to me at the moment. Then Alan called... better to sort this out when we can actually hear each other's depressed and scared as hell voices. As I turned into a sobbing, shaking, pile of sorrow, I decided I didn't want to leave him, and told him so. It was still a mostly silent and mournful converstation, and after a while I requested that we switch back to talking on IM. Afterwards, he told me it was time I had to break off my dependance on him. Which is like telling an addict to lay off the drugs... a very hard thing to do, but I knew I had to do it at the same time. I talked to Kit more, explaining my situation, and then I decided to go out and pick some blackberries so that I could make a pie later. My sister and I were IMing each other, and I asked that she come with me to gather these essential ingredients. She was trying to start conversations with Alan, and asked why he was so quiet. I made a deal to explain a bit more of the situation if she would accompany me on the walk.
As we walked, I explained the situation as best as I could to a 13 year old girl who has never really been in a situation like mine. She understood as best she could, and was actually a good listener. I concluded out loud that I probably wouldn't break up with Alan. Her reply was "He's nice..." "Yes, he's very nice." Her way of telling me to stay with him, cause she approves of him. I agree with her. She then began a discussion of what she would look for in a guy, with a note of worry that it might be hard finding someone who would accept the way she is. I assured her that later in life she was sure to meet some very nice guys (mom was right, college is the place). Very interesting talk... not really one she and I have had before. The rest of the trip was spent collecting a bunch of berries, exercising the eager Gryffin, and meeting two ladies with their three dogs along the way. We came home, I made a pie crust, and then Graham started to make dinner, which meant my pie making had to be delayed.
So I went back upstairs and signed online. Alan was there, and said hello to me. I greeted him back, we asked each other how we were doing. I told him I was doing alright, but still working on that feeling... which was true. The walk did make me feel better, but I was still shaken up. The whole idea of breaking up was... well, scary as hell. It was going to take me a while to recover. Alan told me he was still working on it too. I figured the whole thing shook him up just as much. I told him that I decided that in the end, I would not leave him. To my surprise, he replied with a confused "I though you said you wanted to break up...?" No, I never said that, I told him. Suddenly his mood has climbed back up towards the clouds. He misheard me over the phone, it turned out, hearing my "I don't want to break up" as "I think I want to break up" (That guy's little ears need some fixing...). I thought about all that time he sat there, feeling so heartbroken... If there's one thing that makes me feel extremely sad it's knowing I hurt someone else. It brought me to tears right there. I kept reassuring him that I was sure I wouldn't leave him, he told me how incredidly happy he was that I decided to stay with him. It was rather surreal... thinking about random little things that we shared, and thinking that I would have to let them go and not think about them the same way again... Imagining life without him is a very tough thing to do. So slowly but surely we realized how grateful we were to still be together, and I overcame my huge tidal wave of a breakdown. And I went downstairs and made my delicious pie. And talked with Alan the rest of the night.
I never want to have to go through that again.
And the fact that my hormones are making my emotions eat me more isn't helping either. Yet another straw on the camels back.
But to sum up--Alan and I are still together, perhaps even stronger than ever.
YAY!!!!!!!
*cue 1 million love songs. Actually, just the one below*
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Wild Horses
For now, I'm giving you the scarily significant lyrics.
Deal with it.
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can’t let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let’s do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day
This was written by the Rolling Stones. For a longer time I've known a cover of it by the Sundays. This is also their shortened version of the lyrics. Beautiful song. Pretty lyrics. Meaningful lyrics. To me. Right now.
Deal with it.
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can’t let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let’s do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day
This was written by the Rolling Stones. For a longer time I've known a cover of it by the Sundays. This is also their shortened version of the lyrics. Beautiful song. Pretty lyrics. Meaningful lyrics. To me. Right now.
Monday, August 22, 2005
SPECIAL GUEST POST SPECTACULAAAAAR!
As you may have detected from that subtle title, this isn’t Rowan. It’s Alan, writing a guest post, as per her request. This post is brought to you by the number “5” and the letter “C”. Ahem. Moving on.
So! Weekend. Rowan was here, which is largely the inspiration for me writing this. She arrived late on Friday, bearing such exquisite gifts as vanilla, egg yolks, and whatever else goes into making vanilla ice cream (I’m no dessert chef). Somehow we found the generosity in our hearts to let her use our... heck, I think this thing deserves its own paragraph.
It is called the Ice Cream Revolution. It is shaped like a sphere, about one foot across, with removable caps at both ends. One of the caps opens into a cylindrical container inside the sphere. Ice cream ingredients go in here. The other end opens up to the rest of the ball. Ice and rock salt go in here. Fill it up, seal both caps, and then shake, roll, and pass the ball around for about twenty minutes (taking a break after ten to scrape the sides). Open it, and ICE CREAM comes out. It’s brilliant.
Actually, for the first batch, we didn’t have any rock salt. So, we used sea salt. Trust me, this doesn’t work. It took about 5 times as long as it should have to get it done. We were still shaking ice cream after midnight. On Saturday, we got some rock salt at the market and finished the job.
Aside from a walk in the woods near my house and some Mystery Science Theater 3000 (“Hercules Against the Moon Men”), the main course of Saturday was the 75th birthday of my uncle Irv. Me, Rowan, and my brother were all invited, and much food and merriment was had by all. I felt young. Reasonably. Rowan also got to hear my mom’s And She Was cover, which was exciting.
Sunday! On our last day, Rowan filled one more of the gaping holes in my pop culture education by showing me Wayne’s World. My reaction to this movie was varied and confused, but I think I can well sum it up in one word:Dude.
Besides that, we had pizza, watched my brother play video games while offering insightful commentary, and generally hung around until Rowan left. And that’s where my story ends.
If you want to see Rowan come back to her blog, then just say tuned, same Rowan time, same Rowan channel. Ciao.
So! Weekend. Rowan was here, which is largely the inspiration for me writing this. She arrived late on Friday, bearing such exquisite gifts as vanilla, egg yolks, and whatever else goes into making vanilla ice cream (I’m no dessert chef). Somehow we found the generosity in our hearts to let her use our... heck, I think this thing deserves its own paragraph.
It is called the Ice Cream Revolution. It is shaped like a sphere, about one foot across, with removable caps at both ends. One of the caps opens into a cylindrical container inside the sphere. Ice cream ingredients go in here. The other end opens up to the rest of the ball. Ice and rock salt go in here. Fill it up, seal both caps, and then shake, roll, and pass the ball around for about twenty minutes (taking a break after ten to scrape the sides). Open it, and ICE CREAM comes out. It’s brilliant.
Actually, for the first batch, we didn’t have any rock salt. So, we used sea salt. Trust me, this doesn’t work. It took about 5 times as long as it should have to get it done. We were still shaking ice cream after midnight. On Saturday, we got some rock salt at the market and finished the job.
Aside from a walk in the woods near my house and some Mystery Science Theater 3000 (“Hercules Against the Moon Men”), the main course of Saturday was the 75th birthday of my uncle Irv. Me, Rowan, and my brother were all invited, and much food and merriment was had by all. I felt young. Reasonably. Rowan also got to hear my mom’s And She Was cover, which was exciting.
Sunday! On our last day, Rowan filled one more of the gaping holes in my pop culture education by showing me Wayne’s World. My reaction to this movie was varied and confused, but I think I can well sum it up in one word:Dude.
Besides that, we had pizza, watched my brother play video games while offering insightful commentary, and generally hung around until Rowan left. And that’s where my story ends.
If you want to see Rowan come back to her blog, then just say tuned, same Rowan time, same Rowan channel. Ciao.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Marty Riemer rocks my socks off!!!
The simple pleasures of music.
Hearing a song I love. Hearing a song I havne't heard in ages. Loving the artist who plays the song. Hearing new music that I learn to love. Hearing funny songs. Listening to the radio for the first time in years.
Yep, that's what I'm doing. I haven't done it in a long time. My favorite station is 103.7 FM. They play old rock, new rock, singer/songwriter rock, hot band rock, classic rock, indie rock, pop rock, grunge rock, country rock, folk rock, and sometimes even steer towards punk rock and metal rock. Rock rocks. Their station rocks.
So a little thing I did back in the day was to listen to the radio for a good amount of time and write down any songs that I liked. I only did it a few times, but it was a good thing to do. What annoyed me was when the DJs would quickly go through the names of the songs and the people who played them, not giving me enough time to write them down. But what I could write down, I would.
I looked through that journal last night. I decided to go through it and look for songs I may have not heard since, or any songs that would make good additions to my Napster collection. I got some good ones, and I was amazed to see songs recorded down that I didn't really know back then but I know very well now. I thought about listening to the radio again for the first time in a long time.
And as I said earlier, I did today. I was talking to Alan at the same time. It was quite an experience. I started writing the good music down, like I used to. I then found the advantage of having a laptop with me--I can google the songs, the artists, or any lyrics and find said song if I needed to. Later, while perusing their website, I found that I can actually see what song they're playing at the moment--freaking awesome, yo! They played good favorites of mine, by good artists. Dire Straits, Neil Young, U2, John Lennon, Davie Bowie, Sting, and Tom Petty--just to name a few. Everytime one of those songs came up I would exclaim the artist to Alan. I would pretty much tell him every time when a song or an artist came up that I knew. It was so exciting. Music is just one of those things that can get me so excitied. And then...
This radio station does a thing in the afternoon called "Desert Island Disk." They pose the question: If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 albums would you want to have? I thought about it for a while, and knew I had to have some Beatles with me. I picked the White Album--not only does it have good songs, but it's two disks. The more Beatles, the better! So I hear a caller tell her answer: The White Album. "Done!" exclaims Marty Riemer, the DJ for the afternoon. I hear the jet sounds in the beginning of Paul McCartney's playful jab at the Beach Boys, "Back in the USSR." Of all picks, and there are a HELL of alot of picks, the one I was thinking of made it in. "OOOOOOOOOOOOH!" I type into Alan's chatbox, and explain it to him. I was so happy!!
As he said:
[18:26] Alan Gordon: I don't think I've ever seen you this excited
[18:26] Alan Gordon: EVER
Then came the 5:20 funny. They play a little clip from a stand-up comedian at this time. The guy I heard was good, talking about where our bad health really comes from: the food. I missed the guy's name though... I found their website, and looked all over for where I might find this out, but had no luck. After the comedy bit, they played a really funny song. I got the name of the band, but couldn't find them anywhere when I googled them. I resolved to email the DJ--something I don't normally do. I asked about both the comedian and the song. And he replied! Very quickly! Like, within the hour quickly. I got the name of the Comedian, where the clip was from, and the name of the band with the funny song. It was so awesome!
So yeah, music made my day really happy. Which was good, I needed cheering up. Happy Day and Night to you all!
To hear that song and read a little story closely related to mine, go here: http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001315.html
Hearing a song I love. Hearing a song I havne't heard in ages. Loving the artist who plays the song. Hearing new music that I learn to love. Hearing funny songs. Listening to the radio for the first time in years.
Yep, that's what I'm doing. I haven't done it in a long time. My favorite station is 103.7 FM. They play old rock, new rock, singer/songwriter rock, hot band rock, classic rock, indie rock, pop rock, grunge rock, country rock, folk rock, and sometimes even steer towards punk rock and metal rock. Rock rocks. Their station rocks.
So a little thing I did back in the day was to listen to the radio for a good amount of time and write down any songs that I liked. I only did it a few times, but it was a good thing to do. What annoyed me was when the DJs would quickly go through the names of the songs and the people who played them, not giving me enough time to write them down. But what I could write down, I would.
I looked through that journal last night. I decided to go through it and look for songs I may have not heard since, or any songs that would make good additions to my Napster collection. I got some good ones, and I was amazed to see songs recorded down that I didn't really know back then but I know very well now. I thought about listening to the radio again for the first time in a long time.
And as I said earlier, I did today. I was talking to Alan at the same time. It was quite an experience. I started writing the good music down, like I used to. I then found the advantage of having a laptop with me--I can google the songs, the artists, or any lyrics and find said song if I needed to. Later, while perusing their website, I found that I can actually see what song they're playing at the moment--freaking awesome, yo! They played good favorites of mine, by good artists. Dire Straits, Neil Young, U2, John Lennon, Davie Bowie, Sting, and Tom Petty--just to name a few. Everytime one of those songs came up I would exclaim the artist to Alan. I would pretty much tell him every time when a song or an artist came up that I knew. It was so exciting. Music is just one of those things that can get me so excitied. And then...
This radio station does a thing in the afternoon called "Desert Island Disk." They pose the question: If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 albums would you want to have? I thought about it for a while, and knew I had to have some Beatles with me. I picked the White Album--not only does it have good songs, but it's two disks. The more Beatles, the better! So I hear a caller tell her answer: The White Album. "Done!" exclaims Marty Riemer, the DJ for the afternoon. I hear the jet sounds in the beginning of Paul McCartney's playful jab at the Beach Boys, "Back in the USSR." Of all picks, and there are a HELL of alot of picks, the one I was thinking of made it in. "OOOOOOOOOOOOH!" I type into Alan's chatbox, and explain it to him. I was so happy!!
As he said:
[18:26] Alan Gordon: I don't think I've ever seen you this excited
[18:26] Alan Gordon: EVER
Then came the 5:20 funny. They play a little clip from a stand-up comedian at this time. The guy I heard was good, talking about where our bad health really comes from: the food. I missed the guy's name though... I found their website, and looked all over for where I might find this out, but had no luck. After the comedy bit, they played a really funny song. I got the name of the band, but couldn't find them anywhere when I googled them. I resolved to email the DJ--something I don't normally do. I asked about both the comedian and the song. And he replied! Very quickly! Like, within the hour quickly. I got the name of the Comedian, where the clip was from, and the name of the band with the funny song. It was so awesome!
So yeah, music made my day really happy. Which was good, I needed cheering up. Happy Day and Night to you all!
To hear that song and read a little story closely related to mine, go here: http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001315.html
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The little things that make me smile
This is one of the cutest puppies I have ever seen. All those in favor say "Awww!"
Saturday, August 13, 2005
A word to those wishing to be wise
Don't you ever, ever, EVER spoil the plot of a book I want to read or a movie I want to see or a show I want to watch or anything like that.
I'm writing this mostly in a rage that I've had The Sixth Sense, something I've been wanting to watch for a long time, completely blown for me.
I'm not really inclined to see it anymore.
I'm writing this mostly in a rage that I've had The Sixth Sense, something I've been wanting to watch for a long time, completely blown for me.
I'm not really inclined to see it anymore.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Better now!
And let the word out
I've got to get out
Oh, I'm feeling better now
And break the news out
I've got to get out
Oh, I'm feeling better now!
(Thank you, Collective Soul)
Well, yesterday I started looking into Culinary Art schools. I got a package of free info from Western Culinary Institute, down in Portland. It looks all cool and pretty and high class and stuff. It's rather costly... though it sounds like my parents and I could figure something out. I hope. Because it looks neat.
I want to get a Bachelor's in art. I've pretty much decided that now. I've got my eye on Studio art, seeing that it seems like a pretty basic art area, and is very much my forte. And getting a Bachelor's degree will save me some school (and finances) in the future. Then I plan to get into a Culinary college, and learn to be a pastry chef. Get a diploma in there, get all learned and everything, make pretty desserts, and viola! I make you fat! ;)
The Art Institute of Seattle also has a culinary arts program. The thing is they don't offer a Bacholer's in studio art (they do offer it in animation, media, and interior design). So no transfering to me. Though as far as the Culinary Arts go, I may very well consider it too. It is cheaper than Western Culinary Institute... though the quality of such a program is unsure to me. I guess I'll just have to keep on considering...
I have to admit this all now. When I announced to my mom that the Art Institute of Seattle does Culinary arts, she asked "Do they offer bacholer's? Cause you could transfer, after Sophomore year..." *Out of no where, a giant fist descends and punchs me in the chest* T-t-t-transfer? I had not considered it before... and I really REALLY didn't want to. I had just gotten used to the way things were at Western... The environment, the people... the people especially. In particular, one person. You may guess who I would be afraid to leave the most, and there's a good chance you'd be very right. I do acknowledge that person being probably the majority of the reasons not to leave... but change in general scares me as well. I'm pretty reactionary when it comes to change. I follow rules, afraid to change or break them, set by whatever authorities, and when I like something, there's a very slim chance that I'll want it to change. Not that I'm a complete law-abiding citizen, I do have moments of rebelliousness, I won't be afraid to challenge some authorities, and sometimes I'll welcome a change with open arms (especially if it's a change from bad to good). But for the most part, change is a frightening thing, however unavoidable it is. And changing the way things go just as I get used to them... not fun. I just about breathed a sigh of relief when I learned the Art Institute of Seattle didn't offer Bacholer's in any field I was interested in. I'm free to continue my education at Western. I wonder what I'll specialize in...
AAAAHH!!!! You know what I hate about sunburns?! They sting, then they itch, then when you scratch them it REALLY stings!! Blech.
The reason for the sunburn was Danielle's B-day party, of course. She's finally made it into the 19 club (though apparently Aleeza, according to what she inscribed on the present she gave, thinks Danielle should remain 18). We went to her fancy-shmancy apartment in fancy-shmancy Bellevue, and played in her pool and BBQed for a good deal. She's got cool friends from UW, and I saw her, Aleeza, and Deanna for the first time since New Year's. Should've remembered that sunscreen, though... ow.
So, back to education and the results of thinking, I was in a constant state of unrest since the mention of a transfer. Even though I knew I didn't have to, I was still very shaken up with the idea of it all. Nothing seemed to console me. The next morning I woke up with my neck being, for lack of a better phrase, a heinous bitch. Throughout most of the day I had a constant neckache and a headache as a result of the neckache, and my shoulders weren't doing so well either... but could they be massaged? No, because 1) no one would do it, and 2) it burns!!! And because of all that I felt very lethargic and wanted a nap... never really got one though. My parents are going to go on a teeny weeny vacation up in a lodge in the Olympic Peninsula, starting Sunday night. They'll be gone for two days... leaving me with my younger siblings during that time (and I'll be taking just about any excuse to get out of the house... *HINT!!*), and we had a "council" to decide on which movies to rent while they were gone. Negotiation with my siblings... frankly, it's hardly a barell of laughs. Oh well. Misery, both physical and emotional for the majority of the day.. then like magic the mood was flipped around during the evening.
I decided to make a Chocolate Decendance cake (which I haven't tasted yet), so I had my laptop downstairs to have the online recipe right next to me. My sisters went with my mom to go shopping for pants (and other things, I could tell), Graham was off being paid to play his clarinet (he's in the pit for a musical), so it was just me, Evan, and dad home. I watched Evan play around with Gryffin, our puppy, a bit... that little dog can be very cute sometimes. Made me smile alot. Then Evan and dad played catch outside for the first time in a very long time... that made me happy too, for some odd reason. So I prepared the cake, and postponed baking it because Evan and Dad went to go get pizzas from Papa Murphy's--you know, the kind you take home and bake yourselves. Then we sat around eating pizza, and taking advantage of the variety of access I have on Napster. It was really fun, listening to all different kinds of classic folk and rock and sometimes just plain old(er) music. It was a time where, believe it or not, I was having fun with my family. Part of them. Then my sisters came home, and I thought that was to be the end of it right there. But no! The fun continues! After Evan browsed my music options some more, he left for AIM land on the PC and my sisters promptly took over--mainly Keira. We switched the genre to more modern music (for the most part)--pop, punk, and newer rock. This time it came complete with improved interpretive dances from me!!!! You know y'all wanted to see that!! We sillied out for a great deal of time, then it was bedtime. I headed upstairs to my room, and chatted till 2 in the morning with two of my favorite people--Kirsten and Kirsten! (The former more commonly known as Kit) And then I fell asleep, feeling so much better, much more socially adequete, just about all worries of the future gone away, feeling actually proud that I might know where my life is heading, and very content with the knowledge that Alan would be returning sometime the next day...
=)
I've got to get out
Oh, I'm feeling better now
And break the news out
I've got to get out
Oh, I'm feeling better now!
(Thank you, Collective Soul)
Well, yesterday I started looking into Culinary Art schools. I got a package of free info from Western Culinary Institute, down in Portland. It looks all cool and pretty and high class and stuff. It's rather costly... though it sounds like my parents and I could figure something out. I hope. Because it looks neat.
I want to get a Bachelor's in art. I've pretty much decided that now. I've got my eye on Studio art, seeing that it seems like a pretty basic art area, and is very much my forte. And getting a Bachelor's degree will save me some school (and finances) in the future. Then I plan to get into a Culinary college, and learn to be a pastry chef. Get a diploma in there, get all learned and everything, make pretty desserts, and viola! I make you fat! ;)
The Art Institute of Seattle also has a culinary arts program. The thing is they don't offer a Bacholer's in studio art (they do offer it in animation, media, and interior design). So no transfering to me. Though as far as the Culinary Arts go, I may very well consider it too. It is cheaper than Western Culinary Institute... though the quality of such a program is unsure to me. I guess I'll just have to keep on considering...
I have to admit this all now. When I announced to my mom that the Art Institute of Seattle does Culinary arts, she asked "Do they offer bacholer's? Cause you could transfer, after Sophomore year..." *Out of no where, a giant fist descends and punchs me in the chest* T-t-t-transfer? I had not considered it before... and I really REALLY didn't want to. I had just gotten used to the way things were at Western... The environment, the people... the people especially. In particular, one person. You may guess who I would be afraid to leave the most, and there's a good chance you'd be very right. I do acknowledge that person being probably the majority of the reasons not to leave... but change in general scares me as well. I'm pretty reactionary when it comes to change. I follow rules, afraid to change or break them, set by whatever authorities, and when I like something, there's a very slim chance that I'll want it to change. Not that I'm a complete law-abiding citizen, I do have moments of rebelliousness, I won't be afraid to challenge some authorities, and sometimes I'll welcome a change with open arms (especially if it's a change from bad to good). But for the most part, change is a frightening thing, however unavoidable it is. And changing the way things go just as I get used to them... not fun. I just about breathed a sigh of relief when I learned the Art Institute of Seattle didn't offer Bacholer's in any field I was interested in. I'm free to continue my education at Western. I wonder what I'll specialize in...
AAAAHH!!!! You know what I hate about sunburns?! They sting, then they itch, then when you scratch them it REALLY stings!! Blech.
The reason for the sunburn was Danielle's B-day party, of course. She's finally made it into the 19 club (though apparently Aleeza, according to what she inscribed on the present she gave, thinks Danielle should remain 18). We went to her fancy-shmancy apartment in fancy-shmancy Bellevue, and played in her pool and BBQed for a good deal. She's got cool friends from UW, and I saw her, Aleeza, and Deanna for the first time since New Year's. Should've remembered that sunscreen, though... ow.
So, back to education and the results of thinking, I was in a constant state of unrest since the mention of a transfer. Even though I knew I didn't have to, I was still very shaken up with the idea of it all. Nothing seemed to console me. The next morning I woke up with my neck being, for lack of a better phrase, a heinous bitch. Throughout most of the day I had a constant neckache and a headache as a result of the neckache, and my shoulders weren't doing so well either... but could they be massaged? No, because 1) no one would do it, and 2) it burns!!! And because of all that I felt very lethargic and wanted a nap... never really got one though. My parents are going to go on a teeny weeny vacation up in a lodge in the Olympic Peninsula, starting Sunday night. They'll be gone for two days... leaving me with my younger siblings during that time (and I'll be taking just about any excuse to get out of the house... *HINT!!*), and we had a "council" to decide on which movies to rent while they were gone. Negotiation with my siblings... frankly, it's hardly a barell of laughs. Oh well. Misery, both physical and emotional for the majority of the day.. then like magic the mood was flipped around during the evening.
I decided to make a Chocolate Decendance cake (which I haven't tasted yet), so I had my laptop downstairs to have the online recipe right next to me. My sisters went with my mom to go shopping for pants (and other things, I could tell), Graham was off being paid to play his clarinet (he's in the pit for a musical), so it was just me, Evan, and dad home. I watched Evan play around with Gryffin, our puppy, a bit... that little dog can be very cute sometimes. Made me smile alot. Then Evan and dad played catch outside for the first time in a very long time... that made me happy too, for some odd reason. So I prepared the cake, and postponed baking it because Evan and Dad went to go get pizzas from Papa Murphy's--you know, the kind you take home and bake yourselves. Then we sat around eating pizza, and taking advantage of the variety of access I have on Napster. It was really fun, listening to all different kinds of classic folk and rock and sometimes just plain old(er) music. It was a time where, believe it or not, I was having fun with my family. Part of them. Then my sisters came home, and I thought that was to be the end of it right there. But no! The fun continues! After Evan browsed my music options some more, he left for AIM land on the PC and my sisters promptly took over--mainly Keira. We switched the genre to more modern music (for the most part)--pop, punk, and newer rock. This time it came complete with improved interpretive dances from me!!!! You know y'all wanted to see that!! We sillied out for a great deal of time, then it was bedtime. I headed upstairs to my room, and chatted till 2 in the morning with two of my favorite people--Kirsten and Kirsten! (The former more commonly known as Kit) And then I fell asleep, feeling so much better, much more socially adequete, just about all worries of the future gone away, feeling actually proud that I might know where my life is heading, and very content with the knowledge that Alan would be returning sometime the next day...
=)
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Nothing like a nightly rant to somehow kill time.
So.
I didn't get a job this summer. That was lazy and stupid of me. Blah. I'll try to this school year. I've got time. I'm gonna be set up for a wimpy quarter anyway. My boyfriend and roommate are taking suicidal school measures. Maybe I should too. I took 4 classes and got 16 credits total for two quarters last year. This year if I take the same number of classes, I'll only get 14. Should I take on 5? Is joining a group suicide better than sitting on this butt of mine, which logically should get getting fatter and fatter as the days of inactivity trudge on, and watching it with empathetic eyes and an empty heart?
Alan's gone for the weekend. Camping. I wish I were camping. I wish I were doing something. I wish I were with him. I guess what this means for me is that I don't know what to do in the evenings which he will not be here. Plenty of options, yet I'm not sure if I have the heart for any of them.
I'm constantly tired. My neck and back have been plaguing me for about a year now. I don't get much physical exercise. I don't get much artistic exercise. I could draw, but it's been so long that I've felt like I've lost my touch. I'm afraid to try anything new, because I need a refresher in the basics again. It's really hard to get back on the wagon when you've fallen off and trailed along for a considerable amount of time. I'll need to eventually, I've decided. I plan my major to be art. So flexing my art muscles would probably be a good idea. Just not sure how to do it, really... I also don't get much social exercise. And that's very sad. My number of friends cannot diminish. And yet... gee, how do I go about this. I guess for a while I was happy with a bunch of different people as friends... those people are getting differenter and differenter by the day now, as am I. And these days... what I really would be looking for would be someone who I am not afraid to be myself around. I've got to say that it is a difficult thing. It's one thing being yourself, it's another thing to act the way people would like for you to act. The problem with being myself is... who the hell is that?! It only seems to come out when I'm with my most trusted of trusted friends. I can count those on one hand. I wish I could open myself up more... but then comes the question of where to draw lines. I don't know what to talk about with people, there isn't too much going on my life; how long am I going to be going around wishing I had more friends, more stuff to do, and more knowledge of life in general? A long time. I'm only 19. Do I really have a "unique personality worth knowing?" How many people would bother to take the time and energy to dive into the depths of my perception on the world around me, and then try their best to understand it? Okay, I know some of you out there would... but not many people do. Okay, alot of that is my fault, yes. I'm quiet around most people. I'm also easy to boss around, or to put to work in anyway. (Ironic fact: I'm quite bossy myself sometimes. Just ask those four younger siblings of mine) I just don't know which of my personality quirks to show and which not to. I have no idea where "the lines are drawn." Should I say this, or will it sound too lewd? If I say this, will people draw the conclusion that I somewhat moronic? Would this be too offensive to say? There are some of you who would advise to "speak my mind and not care who thinks." I guess a tragic point of my personality is that I do care what people think. I will acknowledge that I am a caring person. When I really care about something or someone, boy do I care about it. To the point where you so much as badmouth that thing or person and I... will get really offended. I will often stay silent if it's a certain subject or object (though less so the more I know the person), not so silent if it's a person; I'd like to think. No one's ever really unfairly slandered someone really cared about. Which is good. Right? So yes. Social skills, I seem to lack. No matter what I do. I can be social if I am really up for it... but it's always a stretch, a song-and-dance, a going-out-of-my-way, even a challenge. And I'll often question myself along the way "Am I being myself now? now? how about now? Would I really have thought that, or am I just saying that to be mildly amusing?"
Insecure? Yes I am. Very much so. I'm teen-aged, it seems to be our collective fate. Insecure about one thing or another. The way we look. The way we act. The amount of friends we have, and who they are. Our attractivity. Our place in society. Our place in the world. On and on and on. Nothing I say is original, nor is it emerging for the first time. Every single word and phrase I say has been said by someone somewhere 10+ times.
I don't like physical activities, or sports. That seems to take alot of fun out of life. Lots of college kids like sports in one way or another. I don't. That sucks.
Lots can play musical instruments. I don't. I can't. I tried once. My patience wore thin. I'm left with below par skills even of a below par player. Of piano, incidentaly.
I guess I'll never be one of those "crazy" people either. People who get drunk every weekend. Every weekday. People who party as often as they should be studying. People who have crazy and often obscene pictures from various alcoholic get-togethers. I don't have much against those people (I have something against those people who also happen to fall under the catagory of "stupid"). They're having fun the way they want to. It's just not what I want to do. Which is sad. Yet another thing that many college kids do that I don't participate in.
Dance. Nope. See "physical activities."
There are some physical activities that I do like.
Picky, picky, picky. Yes that's me. Picky about jobs I may or man not get, picky about people I allow to become friends, pickier about those who become close, picky about activities... I'm doomed, aren't I?
Goddammit, I can't go on venting like that. It gave me something to do, but Im' not sure if it's making me feel any better, nor is it getting anything done. I could complain all day and night, but the rain would just keep pattering on without a care for any disadvantage it might be imposing. It's thankfulness time.
I'm thankful I'm alive and healthy. I have lightning-like metabolism. I have artistic skills. I have logic skills at the same time, that's neat. I'm smart. I do have good, nice friends. I can bake and cook pretty well. I do care when I need to, which is alot. I am very loyal. I try to be as open-minded as possible. I'm in a happy, healthy, romantic relationship. I at least try to give the impression of "nice" when I first meet people. I can be reliable when you really need me to. I like it when I'm happy. I have a complete, healthy family, loving parents who are graciously paying for my college education. I'm getting a college education in the first place. When I need to be, I can be strong-willed. I can also be a voice of reason when the time calls for it. I have the capacity to be a fun person. I'd like to believe, anyway. I live in a decent country. A pretty damn good one, even. I'm becoming less and less afraid to assert that I am a nerd, geek AND (get this: AND) a dork. I'll keep trying. I swear I will.
I miss you all. I miss college. I miss my boyfriend. I miss... so much.
But thanks for being on my side. It's another thing that keeps my eyes open.
I didn't get a job this summer. That was lazy and stupid of me. Blah. I'll try to this school year. I've got time. I'm gonna be set up for a wimpy quarter anyway. My boyfriend and roommate are taking suicidal school measures. Maybe I should too. I took 4 classes and got 16 credits total for two quarters last year. This year if I take the same number of classes, I'll only get 14. Should I take on 5? Is joining a group suicide better than sitting on this butt of mine, which logically should get getting fatter and fatter as the days of inactivity trudge on, and watching it with empathetic eyes and an empty heart?
Alan's gone for the weekend. Camping. I wish I were camping. I wish I were doing something. I wish I were with him. I guess what this means for me is that I don't know what to do in the evenings which he will not be here. Plenty of options, yet I'm not sure if I have the heart for any of them.
I'm constantly tired. My neck and back have been plaguing me for about a year now. I don't get much physical exercise. I don't get much artistic exercise. I could draw, but it's been so long that I've felt like I've lost my touch. I'm afraid to try anything new, because I need a refresher in the basics again. It's really hard to get back on the wagon when you've fallen off and trailed along for a considerable amount of time. I'll need to eventually, I've decided. I plan my major to be art. So flexing my art muscles would probably be a good idea. Just not sure how to do it, really... I also don't get much social exercise. And that's very sad. My number of friends cannot diminish. And yet... gee, how do I go about this. I guess for a while I was happy with a bunch of different people as friends... those people are getting differenter and differenter by the day now, as am I. And these days... what I really would be looking for would be someone who I am not afraid to be myself around. I've got to say that it is a difficult thing. It's one thing being yourself, it's another thing to act the way people would like for you to act. The problem with being myself is... who the hell is that?! It only seems to come out when I'm with my most trusted of trusted friends. I can count those on one hand. I wish I could open myself up more... but then comes the question of where to draw lines. I don't know what to talk about with people, there isn't too much going on my life; how long am I going to be going around wishing I had more friends, more stuff to do, and more knowledge of life in general? A long time. I'm only 19. Do I really have a "unique personality worth knowing?" How many people would bother to take the time and energy to dive into the depths of my perception on the world around me, and then try their best to understand it? Okay, I know some of you out there would... but not many people do. Okay, alot of that is my fault, yes. I'm quiet around most people. I'm also easy to boss around, or to put to work in anyway. (Ironic fact: I'm quite bossy myself sometimes. Just ask those four younger siblings of mine) I just don't know which of my personality quirks to show and which not to. I have no idea where "the lines are drawn." Should I say this, or will it sound too lewd? If I say this, will people draw the conclusion that I somewhat moronic? Would this be too offensive to say? There are some of you who would advise to "speak my mind and not care who thinks." I guess a tragic point of my personality is that I do care what people think. I will acknowledge that I am a caring person. When I really care about something or someone, boy do I care about it. To the point where you so much as badmouth that thing or person and I... will get really offended. I will often stay silent if it's a certain subject or object (though less so the more I know the person), not so silent if it's a person; I'd like to think. No one's ever really unfairly slandered someone really cared about. Which is good. Right? So yes. Social skills, I seem to lack. No matter what I do. I can be social if I am really up for it... but it's always a stretch, a song-and-dance, a going-out-of-my-way, even a challenge. And I'll often question myself along the way "Am I being myself now? now? how about now? Would I really have thought that, or am I just saying that to be mildly amusing?"
Insecure? Yes I am. Very much so. I'm teen-aged, it seems to be our collective fate. Insecure about one thing or another. The way we look. The way we act. The amount of friends we have, and who they are. Our attractivity. Our place in society. Our place in the world. On and on and on. Nothing I say is original, nor is it emerging for the first time. Every single word and phrase I say has been said by someone somewhere 10+ times.
I don't like physical activities, or sports. That seems to take alot of fun out of life. Lots of college kids like sports in one way or another. I don't. That sucks.
Lots can play musical instruments. I don't. I can't. I tried once. My patience wore thin. I'm left with below par skills even of a below par player. Of piano, incidentaly.
I guess I'll never be one of those "crazy" people either. People who get drunk every weekend. Every weekday. People who party as often as they should be studying. People who have crazy and often obscene pictures from various alcoholic get-togethers. I don't have much against those people (I have something against those people who also happen to fall under the catagory of "stupid"). They're having fun the way they want to. It's just not what I want to do. Which is sad. Yet another thing that many college kids do that I don't participate in.
Dance. Nope. See "physical activities."
There are some physical activities that I do like.
Picky, picky, picky. Yes that's me. Picky about jobs I may or man not get, picky about people I allow to become friends, pickier about those who become close, picky about activities... I'm doomed, aren't I?
Goddammit, I can't go on venting like that. It gave me something to do, but Im' not sure if it's making me feel any better, nor is it getting anything done. I could complain all day and night, but the rain would just keep pattering on without a care for any disadvantage it might be imposing. It's thankfulness time.
I'm thankful I'm alive and healthy. I have lightning-like metabolism. I have artistic skills. I have logic skills at the same time, that's neat. I'm smart. I do have good, nice friends. I can bake and cook pretty well. I do care when I need to, which is alot. I am very loyal. I try to be as open-minded as possible. I'm in a happy, healthy, romantic relationship. I at least try to give the impression of "nice" when I first meet people. I can be reliable when you really need me to. I like it when I'm happy. I have a complete, healthy family, loving parents who are graciously paying for my college education. I'm getting a college education in the first place. When I need to be, I can be strong-willed. I can also be a voice of reason when the time calls for it. I have the capacity to be a fun person. I'd like to believe, anyway. I live in a decent country. A pretty damn good one, even. I'm becoming less and less afraid to assert that I am a nerd, geek AND (get this: AND) a dork. I'll keep trying. I swear I will.
I miss you all. I miss college. I miss my boyfriend. I miss... so much.
But thanks for being on my side. It's another thing that keeps my eyes open.
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