Stars in the sky

A night sky is big and black. Sometimes that huge darkness can be oppressing. But that just makes the sparkling little dots up there shine and stand out even more.
And now it's time to focus on those little flecks of light rather than the vast dark around it.

Some highlights of last week:

I hung out with Keeli for the first time in a while. It's rare that I get to just sit and talk with her, and I miss doing that. She's a fun person to be around, and talking with her is hardly an effort at all. I very much value people who I can sit and talk with for a while. We were supposed to be studying, but hell, I always make room for sociality. I needs it. We met after class, I helped her solved her Outfit dilema, we studied in the library, we ate dinner with Morgan, and the later that week we had lunch together. I hope she really does take me out shopping sometime...

Robert is still around, and I continue to call him one of my best friends. He's always, ALWAYS willing to listen, to comfort, to talk with, and to laugh with. I hope he lasts a long, long time.
Funny story: last friday I decided to join him with hanging out with the DDR club. I didn't DDR, because as most people will figure (and a few know) I suck popsicles at it. But the girls there (other than being Japanophiles, obsessed with anime) were very nice and fun to talk to. They draw pretty well (other than all they draw is anime), and we had fun looking up not-so-polite Japanese terms. The males there were... well, to be fair, I didn't get to know them that well, but they didn't seem like the most socially-savvy people out there. In fact, Robert seemed to have the most sense. And I'm not getting to the point at all. Though this in itself was a nice story. ANYWAY. Robert, I found out (much to my delight and amusement), adores tulips. My roommate had some on her desk, and he asked and got one, and treasured it all night. He took it to DDR club with him. I hugged him goodbye, and then wanted to wish his precious flower goodbye by touching my nose to the petals.
As I mentioned in my previous entry, the weather has been beastly cold, and very dry. What do you get in cold and dry weather? Lots and lots of static electricity. Usually if I'm handling clothing or touching something metal, I get reminded of this phenomenon.
I wasn't expecting a good shock on the nose from the flower.
Robert and I laughed about that for a good while. It was pretty damn funny.

Last tuesday, as I was on my way to get Keeli into her V-Day Date Outfit (she was borrowing a shirt and necklace from me, shoes from my roommate), I ran into a long-time-no-see buddy of mine, Ryan. He asked me what I was doing this evening (my original plans being "nothing," or "see if Adria's available," or "bug Kit and Jen and watch the Olympics"), and told me Rent was playing at the VU, and asked if I wanted to go. I sounded iffy, but I thought that it might be the thing to do.
Of course, after he went on his way, Keeli started laughing--the kind of laugh that let you know she was suppressing it for a while. "He SO likes you!" ... WHAT?! Ryan? Whom I rarely see? And who's only seemed to express friend-like interest in me? "Oh come ON! I know it when I see it! He asked you what you were doing tonight, he was expressing interest in you. And did you see the way he was LOOKING at you?!" No, I didn't. And if I did, it obviously flew over my head as well as any bird could. We get back to the dorm, she scoffs at my loose-jeans-held-by-a-belt, my Nightmare Before Christmas sweatshirt (which I get many compliments for, thank you very much!), and starts rummaging through my wardrobe for "date-worthy" clothes. And then my roommate's, since I didn't have anything sans the top that I was lending her.
... Okay, I did agree that I would spend time with him tonight, but who said ANYTHING about a date?! He was my friend. My FRIEND! And although Ryan is a wonderful, worthy guy... I just don't have enough interest in him. He's just not the guy. And I dont' want to start yet another half-relationship with a guy I feel lukewarm about. And after attempts by Keeli AND my roommate to Barbie me up (aka dressing me up in what THEY think looks good on me), I put my foot down and say what I wear is what I wear--he's gonna take me like this, because dammit, this is me today.
No, I'm not mad. A tad on the borderline of annoyed, maybe. I can't help but like the attention, I confess. And I don't blame them. However, as wishy-washy and pushovery and passive as I can be sometimes, this was the Aggressive Little Aries coming out and saying "I'm NOT gonna be bossed around this time!" Go me? Go me!
I watched Rent (second time--first was with Kit and Jen in December) that night, Ryan came a few minutes late. For a while I thought I'd been abandoned or mistaken, but good ol' Ryan came through. Afterwards I invited him to my room, where he and Kit and I watched the Olympics. There were little decorating doohickies on the floor, and we sat and arranged them geometrically and artisitically. Our Pride and Joy was a little ever-evolving twisty Pipe-Cleaner creature. It's purpose is to be worn on someone's finger and wiggled near someone's face.
Or, according to Todd's idea, be shoved up a guy's penis. (Females, there's your new threat. Or just share it with the males you know, I personally get a sadistic pleasure watching them cringe when I talk about ways to hurt their manhood. *cute grin laced with evil*)
We also watched Wonder Showzen. Robert and I discovered it two fridays ago after the opening ceremony for the Olympics. A show done in the style of a little kid's show, with puppets, cartoons, and little kids interviewing/getting interviewed/dancing around, ect. Very very sick, twisted, and all around fucked up. And DAMN HILARIOUS!!!
As Robert put it, so horrible, and so wonderful. It's hooking.
Ryan and I had fun with that one. And then he thanked me for spending time with him on that day, because on this special day for significant others, he was alone.
Nothing like being alone together to get rid of that lonely feeling. Thank you too, Ryan.

My academic life isn't really suffering, I've been getting decent scores on my tests. I didn't go to philosophy at all, though. I hope he posts the notes... And I'd better go, too. Tests are important to pass, since we only have 2 and our grade is based solely on those tests. Eeek. I need to get my butt started on that bloody review article for my anthro class. Oy. But I'm not dying!

I'm hopefully gonna get my portfolio together this week. I want to get into that art program... I've been painting and drawing more recently too. Nothing too special... though I'd like to give some of my artwork away...

Being home is cool, too. Only have had to deal with bickering siblings now and then, and unfortunately Graham's not home this weekend. The plan is to see him perform in State (he made it to state!!!) tomorrow in Ellensburg. He's staying in Yakima. From what I hear, Renton sounds beatiful and luxurious next to Yakima. And we had a nice 45 minute long conversation last night, talking about life lately and different things here and there. He told me he'd been talking to many people while he was over in Yakima... my brother being social?! Excellent! He'd been rather anti-social throughout highschool, which made me worry a bit... granted, most highschoolers are assholes and dumbasses and buttheads and Big Dicks, but... well, I was sad his friends were few and he spent the majority of his time reading in a corner somewhere. But here he is, meeting and talking to interesting people (male and female) all by himself. I was worried about him in college... but it looks like that's one more worry I need not have. I be proud of him.
... plus, from what I heard my mom say her friend said her daughter said (who happens to be friends with Graham and is in a relationship with one of Graham's friends)... there's a girl who wants to ask Graham to prom. My brother! Being asked! To Prom! I want to know who... Apparently she's too shy to do it. Poor girl. I hope she gets the guts to do it... though I can't say I can see my brother having fun at the prom (I didn't go to mine, and don't exactly regret it), it would be a good experience for the both of them (and a pretty big ego-booster for Graham--at his age, he would need it). Go for it, girl!

Yesterday I was in somewhat bad sorts, and broke down a few times, and then had a big breakdown in the middle of the night that lasted about half an hour-45 minutes... and no one to talk to. I ended up getting out of my bed in my room and moving to the downstairs couch and sleeping there instead (not that comfortable, but at least I slept). Today has been mostly much better... with emotion being drawn pretty much only at Travis' "Luv." As Robert said, they are an emotion-evoking band. "I want to be held and understood and assured that I am not alone..." was mostly the emotion I experienced.

Be held again, I will soon. I've got someone nice enough to do that for me these days. Be understood, I will. I've got people to talk to freely. Not alone... I am.

I've decided when I get enough money, the first thing I'll do is start shopping for really really nice things to give to my friends. I've been spoiled enough by them already, I just want to give and give and give.

For now, I'll see if I can give them rare and priceless pieces of artwork.

Ready or not, here life comes

Last week was Hell.

Let me revise that: Hell ain't got nothing on my week.

... okay, I wasn't close to dying, I'm not failing college, no one I know is sick and/or dying, and I've got all my limbs.

But you know? I still hated this week. I hate feeling pain, of any sort. Relative or not. Pain is pain. I suffered, and I hated it, and that's that.

My computer's being a bitch. A spiteful, whiney, unreliable bitch. It keeps slowing down, freezing up, and then giving me The Blue Screen of Death. Last week it did that every time I rebooted, making my computer useless. I called Dell and we did a recovery thing and it seemed to be working fine, but then it still posed the danger of freezing in the middle of me doing something. *sigh* Not cool.

The weather is being a bitch. An unmerciful, unchangable, frigid bitch. Emphasis on the frigid. It is cold. Frrrreeeezing cold. It's like living in the fridge. It's below freezing, and the constant wind chills make it below 0. The sun shines, but is too damn far away to make any use of its warmth. And lord knows I could use some warmth right now. Enough hard, unfeeling cold...

I started my period this week too. As many girls know, that is a one-way ticket to Bitchville.

And last night, my new bitch became unreasonable, illogical jealousy. 4 months after it ended, you'd think I'd be somewhat improved. And to be truthful, I am somewhat improved. But as of last night I've now got my chance to deal with something inevitable, something I dreaded.
He's got another girl.
I've met her before. A long time ago. She's nice.
... And now it's a rerun of reminders, everything becomes reminders. Think back to things I shouldn't have to remember now, and it stabs with a new blade.
And suddenly I feel behind on the recovery race. When did it turn into a race? Why should I be so concerned? Why won't it just bloody go away...
My record ain't all that clean either, I'll admit.
But here I am with a half-relationship here and there, and there he is with an official one.
Good for him... and fuck it all.
Fuck beyong all fuckery.
I need to be away...

Someday it'll all be okay. And I'll be happier. I am so aware of this, you have no idea. I'm not stuck in the moment, I know it won't last forever.

But right now really hurts. Right now... I just want to cry and be held. Okay? Okay.

My friends, you cannot begin to imagine your worth right now. Please stay with me, times like these call for what I need the most. Thank you for all who have kept up with me and talked with me. I love you all to no end.

Singles Awareness Day

This year I was truly saying "Stupid Valentine's Day." "Stupid pink." "Stupid hearts." "Stupid couples." and "Death to couples who make out in public."
(I got to witness that in the cafeteria yesterday. I wanted to shoot them.)

It's been a wiggling, squirming ball of jumbly complications for the past few weeks. Well, maybe not THAT bad, but the road certainly wasn't a smooth, straight one by far. Comlications with my friend, Robert, and coming close to losing him through our bouts of relief of sexual tension. Lucky me, though, I got to keep him. He's one of the closest and most reliable people I have at school here, and the last thing I need to do is lose another friend because of sexual/romantic relations. And again, I'm so glad I've not lost him, and he's glad he's not lost me--apparently I'm one of the reasons he's staying on campus, and losing me would cause him to drift away... =) That's a time to feel special.

Recently I'd gotten in touch with a guy named Josh. I met and knew him through the crowd at Fairhaven--this was way back in October. We talked online once in a while, but kinda drifted out of that for a while. In recent times he'd messaged me a couple of times, and we'd have a brief conversation, but not much of one. I got in touch with him later on (recently, really), and we hung out a few times. Those times involving some physicality. Started with just cuddling, ended up being really physical later on. I knew I was getting myself into something dangerous, but I figured I'd just go with it and not think about it too hard. He wasn't going to feel too much about this--he distinctly told me he's not looking for anything right now. And I can understand; it is his first year in Western after all (yes, he's younger than me. By about 6 months.). I was disappointed to learn that... but you know, some things that feel really good are really hard to resist and ignore. I tried to be casual about it.
But Keeli's right. I did tell her myself that I can't get into anything physical without emotional attachment, and I won't feel right about it unless it's the right kind of of emotional attachment. I've tried again and again not to feel that feeling... but I can't help it. I've had varying degrees of it, but I always have it. And I really need to listen to that gut, and try to resist things of the moment until I can get a grip on myself. She said that while it may be true that Josh probably won't get hurt from this (I definitely thought that too), I am plunging myself into a huge risk. And I can feel it--I know I'd get hurt from this. I think I had been already. Robert's right too--I need to get a better handle on myself before I go seeking a relationship again. I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity for one, but I need to have things to fall back on when they don't work out. Something to revert back to.

And I said too, I'm gonna feel pain either way. Pain from being alone, or pain from doing something wrong.
But I've gotta be tough. I've gotta make it through. I've gotta cry, and feel sad, and want to burrow in my bed for days on end... I've gotta live through it all. And most of all, I've gotta keep hoping for better days ahead.

I just gave Josh some advice (I'm talking to him online). He's sick, and I'd been giving him the usual rundown of advice that you give people when they're sick: take drugs, drink lots of fluids--especially water, vitamin C, rest, etc. He gave me a list of stuff he drank today (alot of fluids), most of which were very sugary. I told him to minimize the sugary stuff, as it drains you more than quenches your thirst.
... I should stay away from the sugary stuff. From getting too close to what is not good for me deep down. It drains me more than makes me feel better. It's a lesson I seem to have to learn over and over and over again...

I've decided to give Josh a break. Talk to him online occasionally, and when we meet occasionally, but not get physical with him again. Maybe not even hang out with just him for a while, in case it's too risky, or makes me feel too uncomfortable.

In the meantime, I've been following the Olympics, bugging Robert alot, seeing Keeli and Adria on occasion, and been trying not to look at Alan across the cafeteria. Had another elevator ride with him. Lucky there were other people on the elevator, so it wasn't so bad. Still... sometimes I wish I could disappear and take all those things that mean something to me with me. I wish I could be quarantined.

I want both pains to stop.

But in the meantime, Stevie Wonder just called to say he loves me. He rocks.

Help, I'm caught in an endless, unsatiating spiral...

http://www.planarity.net/#

The more I play, the more frustrated I get, and yet I never stop...

And then there's the never ending fun of falling sand:

http://chir.ag/stuff/sand/

Two newly discovered crack-games. I want more!!!

It's the next time

I've got some new close friends, and I'm still keeping in touch with the older friends along the way. I've yet to reconnect to the ones I've lost, but I'm doing alright otherwise. I've also yet to escape the Drama of the Males, but what happens happens. So there.

My friends Keeli, Robert, and I are looking to move into an apartment next year. I think it'll be exciting--the dorms have been fun and suited their purpose for my first two years of college, and I think it's time to get out there and get some experience under my belt. I hope my parents, particularly my mom, warm up to the idea of me getting out on my own. Now's the time for support, especially since I'd like more of an idea of what moving out entails...

I've been trying on music like most girls try on clothes and shoes. I've been finding some good stuff along the way. Trent Reznor is pretty damn hot. Stevie Wonder knows how to make me smile on the inside. The Strokes and Hot Hot Heat make good snack music--snacks being causual munching (or listening) on the side of other activities. Also good dorky dance music. I've got a little sampling of a group called Mother Love Bone, which contained some Pearl Jam members before that group was formed (and you can hear the similarity in the music sometimes). I've also got a couple of good Michael Jackson tracks--the good ol' black days. I've also got my grunge down with Nirvana--I now know the reason of their popularity, cause for a while I could not go a day without one of those songs stuck in my head. Listened to that new Vines album, and loved it just as much as the first one. And then I've been picking up little things here and there and have added to the collections of artists I've already got. At least my music life is exciting!

I've been having some nice experiences with friends too, which is relieving. Without those, I couldn't function well at all. School wouldnt' save me, for sure. Shakespeare's been fun, and it really makes me think (to the point where I feel freakin' frustrated and incompetent sometimes). Anthropology's been... okay. Native American culture is alright, the class itself however is quite a bore. Philosophy 107 I don't make all that much of an appearance in--though this week I have to because we have a test. Geology 214 is kinda like Geology 101 review only with emphasis on safety and mitigation procedures once in a while. Though today I learned about slopes, which I didn't get alot of instruction on in Geo 101, so at least I got to learn something new.

Life's been life. That's about it. Things are left out, things are forgotten about, I'm just seeing how things will progress. Luck in the future would be nice.

I'm sorry my entries have been minimal. I'll try to put little pieces here and there on a more regular basis from now on. Cheers!