Time is a crawling fly...

Sometimes this break seems so long, sometimes it seems to run right past me.
There are 10 days till I return to Bellingham. One one hand, that seems like so many, when you think in terms of how slowly each day goes by. But at the same time, it seems rather short compared to the 21 days I started with...

I want to stay here and enjoy each moment, for fear that nothing will be like this ever again. I want to see friends that I can't see anywhere else, do things I can't do up in college, enjoy my freedom while I have it.

But there are things up in college that await me, and I can hardly wait to get back up there again.

Overall I think I'm doing a good job of keeping cool, being patient... I just feel like I'm stuck, frozen, between two motives, and sometimes this immobility can make me miss out on some good things right in front of me. Dang it...

Hmm, so what have I done since the update before? On Friday, it was yet another concert with my family. Saturday... shall be discussed later. Sunday it was my two brothers' concert. Monday I went and hung with Sonja. Tuesday I finally started making cookies. Wednesday I made more cookies and got a vist from Sonja again. And today... Made more cookies, got a visit from Michelle and Sarah, and decorated our main tree, finally!

So I'll elaborate on a few of those subjects. What was so cool about my brother's concert? Graham suprised us all with an improve clarinet solo during a jazzy song... one of those "older sister pride" moments! That was cool.

Hanging out with Sonja on m was ever so much fun! We watched the Grinch Who Stole Christmas (the classic cartoon version, of course) and a favorite of ours, Muppet Christmas Carol. We sang along with the Monday songs, laughed at the funny parts, questioned the questionable parts, and quoted our favorite quotes. We also tried to do a duet on piano... which kinda worked. Oh well, we loved that too! Then we started discussing other things in life, and had a very intellectual conversation... okay okay, it was all gossip. But hey! Bonding time is bonding time! It it was good times.

Tuesday, Cookies. Moving on...

Wednesday. More cookies. Sonja dropped by again to a) give me a present, and b) show me something hilarious: David Letterman's Top 10 "Ways To Know You Aren't the Most Popular Guy In School" hosted by... none other than Napoleon Dynamite! It was freakin' awesome, yo! What better way to talk about nerdiness than the most popular nerd out there?! Ah, good times...

So today... even more cookies. And then I got a nice visit from Michelle and Sarah, and after a nice present from Sarah, we all hung out and sipped our... water.... and talked of life, love, and who knows what else. It was nice to see those two again, it had been a while...
I also got my laptop taken from me. Stolen from me. Hidden from me. By my younger siblings. And I'll admit, I have been spending alot of time on my laptop... with a pretty legitamite reason, actually. But maybe it is time I put down the laptop. The major complaint I have is that I don't always feel exactly welcome when I'm "bonding" with the younger three. Oh well... Christmas is coming, afterall...
I did find my laptop eventually. Obviously. I'm sitting here writing this entry in my room right now.

Now there's a shocker: tomorrow's Christmas Eve. And the next day it's... Christmas! That makes me think time has teleported on by. Last time I checked I still had at least a week left... man. What feels doubley weird is that I've only been here for almost two weeks, as opposed to hardly leaving the house... it still feels like Christmas season just began. Hmmm... well, there are still 12 days of Christmas left afterwards, so the holidays won't be quite over yet.

The only day left out was Saturday. I wont' let that one completely out of the bag until the opportune moment... besides, it sounds better in person.

Still counting down, yet still trying to enjoy moments as they happen... it's a constant tug-of-war between the heartstrings...

... It was like a zoo!

That's what I've got to say about the people I hung out with on Wednesday/Thursday.

The plan was this: I was to hang out with people from my school--mainly my theater classmates at the Point Defience Zoo for Zoolights. Their names were as follows:
Kit
William (not a theater person, actually. Boyfriend of Kit)
Jess
Alden (these two are a pair as well
Mark
Random

Random and Mark--both guys in my area--come to pick me up. We have a fabulous ride to Tacoma, get lost 6 or 7 times, but still manage to come before everyone else shows up! We had some fun perusing through the gift shop, and then everyone arrived and we set off on our psychadelic zoo journey! Being one that's easily mesmorized... who needs drugs when you can get that trippiness? All these lighted animals, some of them moved, and such colorful landscapes... whoo! What a journey!
We then headed to Lacey for pizza, ate it, some of them went to Lover's Package for a bit (Kit, William and I didn't have proper ID, so we waited outside), then headed to Kit's house. We frosted at ate some christmas cookies, and Random and Mark and I discovered the joys of giving each other back massages... Good stuff. We talked with Kit's parents for a while, then headed over to Jess's place to sleep over.
Jess has a BIG, beautiful house, and it's in the middle of the woods--almost the middle of nowhere. Cell phone reception was nonexistant as well. So the boys, and sometimes the girls (I was the only one who didn't play at least once), played some video games for a while, then after some good rounds of that, they decided it was time for Truth or Dare. With that group, all I could say was, uh oh. There are literally no secrets with them. They are open with everything. And I mean EVERY-THING! It turned into truth or truth, because many of us became too lazy to do anything daring. Much of it was VERY sexually oriented too... so much, that became a rather overload for me. Eventually we got to some more innocent questions, thank goodness. William wanted to sleep after a while, so then everyone else but Kit headed out of Jess's room and down into her... room with couches. We then, ironically, got dead quiet. Random and Jess and Alden went back up to Jess's room, Mark and I were too comfortable to really go back, so we slept there for the night.
Next morning we all woke up and Jess and Kit made us some pancakes and waffles. We ate, talked, and laughed, then headed towards the couches to watch a movie. After that it was video games for some of the boys again, and wrestling/molestation/violation inflicted upon Kit and I from Random and Mark (don't worry, people--it was nothing unfriendly). Soon it was time to say goodbye, and the two aforementioned boys and I left and headed home. On the way, attempted to fall asleep in the backseat, but while listening to the conversation up in the front seats, that was impossible--they are really quite amusing! Random dropped me off, we said our goodbyes until school started again, and I returned to my abode.

Okay, I'll admit right now, I left quite a bit out. Details shall be discussed with me on a one-on-one basis. For now, you'll just have to read the summary. Too bad.

"I feel happy! I feel happy!"

That's right. I'm feeling happy. You want more details? Talk to me about it! I feel so happy...

So last week I took my finals.
Music: Optional, since my teacher missed the last day of school and very few got his study guide afterwards. If I took it, I would be able to drop my lowest test score. I got great grades on the last two tests, so even if this one went bad (which I'm sure it didn't) I'd be able to drop it anyway.
Theater: Thanks to a nice study group and good time put into studying for this, I conquered this one! It's the only one that I know the grade for: 94/100! Go me! I think that means an A in the class. Go me!! And because of this study group I have many more interesting and wonderful friends! Go me!!!
Math: Ugh. That's all I've got to say. Stupid math. I hope it's on a curve, like most math classes are...
Philosophy: Proofs. Therefore, I kicked butt! The Queen of Proofs reigns again! In the end, I loved that class. So nice to know you can really do something...

I came home. Oh boy. What a story. I was to give my friend, Adria (a floormate) a ride to Seattle, where she would meet her sister and later get a ride back home over on the East side of Washington. It took my mom a while to get here, and I, of course, have a million things to bring home. Thank goodness Adria was there! Nice to have a little slave labor--er, I mean, extra help once in a while. ;)
So they're doing construction on the freeway... slows us down a bit. Then we hit Seattle rush hour. Those of you in the area know what that's like. Ew. So once again, we were slowed down. My mom had to go get something from a vet in Seattle to help my rabbit at home, and coming away from the place we suddenly get lost. After several phone calls to my mom's friend (A Seattle savvy person, thank god), we finally get the poor girl to her destination. I sure hope the rest of her weekend was better!
Then coming out of Seattle... mom and I got lost. Not fun. I wanted to get the hell out of the car, she wanted to know where the hell we were... we tried calling home for my dad to help, but he was always out when we did. Oy vey. At one point my brother, Graham, picked up; I was trying to remain calm, my mom was already getting slighty hysterical. Mom always likes to give me directions when I'm talking on the phone, something I find exheedingly irritating because I cannot multitask THAT well... we both ended up shouting hysterically--my mom with directions at me, me into the phone at my brother. He couldn't help but laugh, and I don't blame him--it did sound funny! EVENTUALLY, we get the hell out of that damn city and get home. Thank God.

So I hang out at home for a while. So far the only one I've really kept in touch with from college is Alan. He and I talk for a while during the day, sometimes I'll go downstairs and watch some TV with my brother...

Sunday I attended my first concert with my family. Usually it's the case that I get dragged to those things. I don't mind the music, but being trapped in the car with my siblings... oy vey. This trip was actually pretty standable. We got to ride a ferry to Bremerton, and we got to look at the beautiful coastlines of the islands on the way... pretty forests, houses that I'd never be able to live in... and even some seals! So cute! What can I say, marine life fascinates me... everytime I go out to the Puget sound, I half hope that I will see orcas out there...
It's my dream to see wild orcas one day. It's even more of a dream to be able to touch an orca. I'd certainly be dreaming if I could swim with one... Ah, dreams. The aurora borealis is another dream I have. I'd like to see just one before I die, even better would be to see one of those spectacular celestial events that make it into photographs alot--you know, the ones with 4 or 5 different colors... ah, beauty.
Look at that! A complete train of thought derailment! Let's put her back on the tracks...
The concert was okay; it turned out that they switched the program around without telling my dad, so the people we came to see perform had switched places with a choir concert. They were okay; there were some high school groups that were pretty damn good, actually. So then we headed back, and we got to return to Seattle at night... any city looks beautiful at night, as... oh crap, SOMEONE in my family pointed out. (Fuzzy memories)
We went out for dinner, and heard about power outtages along the way. We saw a couple of dark areas too. When we got home... dark. "YAY! THE POWER'S OUT!!" said my three younger siblings. "Crap, the powers out!" Said Graham and I. Graham had to do some research for a debate the next day (homework reasons) and I wanted to get on AIM to talk to some far away people (social reasons). So I was plunged into complete darkness and complete boredom. My family started to go to bed at nine, and around that time (I turned my cell on, I think out of desperation) I got a phone call from Alan! YAY!!! We did our usual lengthy talks about who knows what, and that continued till... after 11, I'm pretty sure. The only reason it stopped as a matter of fact, was because my cell phone died. Oh well, it was a hell of a conversaton, as he said to me later.
Hm, so that was sunday... it's now Tuesday. 3 weeks... on one hand, it doesn't seem too long, but on the other, it seems like FOR-E-VER...

Mabye I'll do one of those "late night entries," like what used to happen in the summer time. You know, the ones with weird topics, strangely philosophical points, or just utter bizarreness...
So for now, updates on my life. If it bores you so much, then you can just blow it out your ear, cwapface!

"Heroes"

I
I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins
Like dolphins can swim
Though nothing
Will keep us together
We can beat them
For ever and ever
Oh we can be Heroes
Just for one day

I
I will be king
And you
You will be queen
Though nothing
Will drive them away
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be us
Just for one day

I
I can remember
Standing
By the wall
And the guns
Shot above our heads
And we kissed
As though nothing could fall
And the shame
Was on the other side
Oh we can beat them
For ever and ever
Then we can be Heroes
Just for one day

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be Heroes

~David Bowie

Rowan's inspiration for the day.

Thespians rock!

Ah, the wonderful, wonderful weekend...

I agree with Deanna's last entry. When I don't update, it's either the case where nothing cool has happened to me lately, or I've done so much cool stuff I don't have time to update. It's SO the latter of the two!

So on Sunday I went to a Theater 101 study group. I knew Kit from my class, and met some other cool people there. We had a blast studying--that's right, a BLAST studying! They are an AWESOME bunch of people! I wish my school had a "theater" group. There were some people who would fit in rather well, but we didn't really have a theater group in my class. We ended up going to dinner together, and were joined by some other people that were not of our study group, but were friends of those who were. I could not stop laughing at the table--like I will say a thousand times at least, they are awesome! We jumped to many different subjects, most of which very funny, but then we jumped to a torture conversation, something many of us no longer wanted to hear!! But then one of the guys, named Random, decided to end on a better note: he told us to take turns telling about the best thing that happened to us this quarter. I shared the moment when I got my complete Phantom of the Opera CD set, but I honestly wanted to say that I was so glad I met all of these fun, interesting people. As it turned out, Random said that for me. So we all ended in a big group hug, and afterwards we went and toured some of each other's dorm rooms--including mine.
That night, I was just going to get back to studying, when two girls--named Katie and Rachel--came to Allie's and my door telling us that "they had something to show us." Intrigued, Allie and I went to see such a thing. It turned out that in taking a break from studying, they had choreographed a dance to No Doubt's "Bathwater." It was very entertaining! At one point, the first chorus, they got stuck, so they called on us to help them. Suddenly those years of dance class I took years ago began to pay off. Allie and I began to help them cheorograph the rest of their dance, and we coached them through the whole thing. The ultimate performance was for two of their guy friends, Chris and Ben, but in the meantime they showed it to several other people in our building, including our RA! It was a great dance; it involved very sexy moves and long scarves, which were used to "rope" some of the boys in the audience at the end of it! Unfortunately, we were written up for making too much noise at one point-- that's right, I was written up. It was my first time, though, so it wasn't so bad. And come on, my record was to be blackened SOMETIME, right?! ;)

Another important thing: There was one guy at the dinner table who figured out that I had instant messanger because I said to the table at one point "Brb!" (Afterthought: "NERD!! *Doh!") We exchanged screennames. We talked to each other that night. And we talked to each other the next morning. His name's Alan. The more we talked to each other, the more things we found in common with each other. As a matter of fact, it was rather creepy... but not in a bad way. In a very very cool way, actually. I only thought this kind of thing existed in legends, and in only one true story I found out over the summer. But I tell you--we were becoming instant friends! It was truely amazing. I'd say this tops even Phantom of the Opera. I'm very glad.

But there's more. Come Monday, the day before the final, theather group gets together in the library for another study session. We arranged it at 5:00, which was 15 minutes before dinner. We decided to take the studying in the dining hall. Well, guess how much studying we actually did? Not alot. Guess how much fun I had anyway? ALOT! And as it turned out, Alan was there too! We wanted to watch a movie together later (something that he liked and concluded that I would too), but wanted to wait until after dinner to meet. But there we were! After many laughs and fun times at the dinner table, some of them wanted to watch a movie together. Alan and I decided this would be the time to watch our movie. We walked back to his home, Ridgeway (on the other side of campus--my first time being there!), to get the movie, and walked back to my dorm to get my laptop to watch it on (my computer is evidently better than his). We went to the lounge on our floor, despite the fact that there was someone studying there (we promised to be quiet!), and watched the movie. It's called Ping Pong (yes, some of you, I thought of Forrest Gump too!). It's Japanese movie, shown at a film festival once, and was praised. It was a good movie; I liked it, as he predicted. At one point we started to neglect the movie a bit to talk to each other, but we finished it, and afterwards talked some more and more and more... wow, conversation never got boring. We ended up being very close that night. And up late too. To midnight. I walked him halfway home, and reluctantly we parted. We plan to hang out many more times from now on!
So I'm just in a happy mood. I'm passing my finals (or at least that's the feeling I'm getting), I'm making new friends, I've just about found my soul mate, life is just la-di-da right now!

Catch y'all later!

Susanne Vega hits it home

Don't you love it when a song fits you just about like a glove?

"Maggie May"

I'll never be your Maggie May
The one you loved and left behind
The face you see in light of day
And then you cast away
That isn't me in that bed you'll find

I'd rather take myself away
Be like those ladies in Japan
Rather paint myself a face
Conjure up some grace
Or be the eyes behind a fan

And so you go
No girl could say no
To you

There's the way we may appear
But that will change from day to night
Would you ever see within?
Underneath the skin?
Could I believe you had that sight?
And so you go
No girl could say no
To you

I'll never be your Maggie May
The one you loved and then forgot
I'll love you first and let you go
Because it must be so
And you'll forgive or you will not

And so a woman leaves a man
And so a world turns on it's end
So I'll see your face in dreams
Where nothing's what it seems
You still appear some kind of friend

And so you go
No girl could say no
To you


This is a good illustration to how I've felt, how I feel; and some of it SHOULD be how I feel.
Dang it, this is going to haunt me for a ridiculously long time. It HAS been haunting me for a ridiculously long time.
Oh well. There are finals to study for. And thoughts and memories to be avoided.

Sister to Sister

kitcat4986: Keira, just so you know:
kitcat4986: This is not a 100% guarentee
kitcat4986: but it's pretty much a 99% one
kitcat4986: Men suck.
kitcat4986: ANYWAY...
Keira: ok.................why
Keira: ?
kitcat4986: eh, don't ask now.
kitcat4986: I just had to get that out.
Keira: okay dokey

How's that for older-sisterly advice?
God I hope this attitude changes soon... PMS, anyone? Plus right now men do suck. I know one of those things will pass within a week, but as for the other one... Someone help me.

Advice I could use...

I found this one someone's profile. Someone who I've met online, read thier livejournal, but never really chat with anymore. I keep meaning to... There's just something holding me back.

Now's the time to listen to this:


Risks
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure. B
ut risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
They say they avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live... Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves.
They have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
-Anonymous


Man, I gotta go find out who said that... tell them they're a freakin' genius!!!
I know some of you out there are nodding and saying, "Yes, Rowan, I told you so..." *Cough* Luan!! *Cough*
Can I live these words?...
I would say only time will tell, but it won't. Only I can.
*Gulp*

It's that time of year...

...When the world falls in love
every song you hear seems to say
Merry Christmas, may your new year dreams come true...


Man, I was a little reluctant to leave my home after Thanksgiving break. But like it or not, I'm back in B'ham in my little dorm... I would say cozy, but the window was open for a while and it's still rather cold... Anyway, what I'll miss around this time of year is my dad constantly playing Christmas Carols. And I mean constantly. And not just the ones you'll hear nonstop when you tune into Warm 106.9. He tends to be a worldly guy. So we'll hear gregorian and medival chants that are can range up to over 500 years old, or perhaps so George Winston on his piano, and even some vintage Doris Day. And he loves Irish Christmas music; particularly by one group we see in concert every year.
I was so used to this all my life, that I was surprised in that in high school my friends didn't even know the tune "O Little Town of Bethlehem." In fact I was really disappointed in elementary school, even, when we were forced to sing "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer" and "Up on the Housetop" instead of classics such as "Angels We Have Heard On High" or "The Carol of the Bells." (Had I known the religious connotation with those songs at the time, I might've seen why they weren't used for a public school at that age level)
These are the only songs I'll actually sit at a piano to play. I'm hardly worthy of being heard at all at my skill level, but my mom bought a whole bunch of easy piano Christmas Song books one year, so some of them aren't that hard to learn. I usually just play the melody. There's a couple that I know the right and left hands for. I can count them on my right hand. "O Holy Night" is one of them. It's my favorite Christmas carol of all time. It's melody is just wonderful. It's the only song I've ever extensively worked on in my life. It's the only that I can almost say I can play. It's the song that I've worked the longest on. I'm still working on it after... say... 7 years? Wow... I'm still pretty bad at it, but it's much better than what I started out with. If I get time to practice it some more, and if you're VERY VERY VERY lucky, I just might play it for you. But don't get your hopes up.

I also am gonna miss watching movies with my family for a bit. We have a tradition each year of watching nearly all of our Christmas movies one night at a time during the season. I like to kick it off with my favorite one, The Santa Clause. I got my way this year. But now I have to go two weeks without a single one... hmm.

I will say that after a while I did want to get out of the house. Time and again it has been proven to me that I can't stay in the house more than 2 days with my family before something starts to snap. It usually happens with three youngest sibs. It happened again. I wonder how I'll survive the whole winter break with them... all you people who I consider friends, prepare to get bombarded with desperate self-invitations from me!

Other than that, I had a rather fun weekend. I mostly hung around the house on Wednesday, went to the store to get some Thanksgiving ingredients, and talked with friends on the phone and online.
Thanksgiving--food. And the parade in the morning. And food. And tryptophan. (Thank you Mary and Kirsten) And sleepiness. And a Seinfeld special. And food.
Friday I got to hang out with Sarah; I had not seen her in 3 months! We saw the Spongebob movie. Not bad, some of it could've been better, but it had its moments. We went back to my house, watched some TV, talked in my room, and ate Thanksgiving left overs while having discussions with my family at the dinner table. I'm glad for that day.
The next day the fam and I saw the Incredibles. Not bad, not bad at all. I thought it was pretty good, although I will say I didn't laugh THAT much. Finding Nemo still tops it. But it wasn't bad. So then we picked out our Christmas trees. Yes, trees. We get two every year. We didn't bring them home, but we reserved them. The rest of the day was spent frittering away, until dinner time and movie time.
Next day, rejoiced that this would be the last day for two weeks that I'd have to put up with my sibs. Dreaded that I'd be coming back to Dead week, and would have to start studying for the finals next week. Furthermore I register for classes this Wednesday... ACK!!! But hopefully this time will pass without too much discomfort, and I'll come back to my house with a little more spirit, and perhaps a better tolerence for my siblings.

In the meantime, I'll find some Christmas carols to jam to. *Cue Carol of the Bells*

Music of the Night

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone.
I'm stuffed with turkey, and have felt the effects of that one amino acid that makes you drowsy.. crap, I've seen that comericial, what's it called again?! Oh well...

So now it's 1 AM and I'm on my laptop browsing my music library to find songs that fit me right now. Why's I got to pick a sad one?

"...and every victory has a taste that's bittersweet, and it's your face I'm a-looking for on every street..."

Dire Straits. "On Every Street." It's one of my songs for my sadder moods.

But why should I be sad? This is the time of year, of all times of the year, to be thankful for what I've got. Let me say it now: I've got so much it's nearly sickening. I'm grateful for all of that.

Man, I've got such a rebelious heart. "No no NO!!" it protests. Let's try to soothe it... let's see... *browses through library again...*

Okay, got something. This should help. The artist. The lyrics. Even the simple tune.I'm gonna post the whole song up here:


"Love"By John Lennon

Love is real
Real is love
Love is feeling
Feeling love
Love is wanting
To be loved

Love is touch
Touch is love
Love is reaching
Reaching love
Love is asking
To be loved

Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
We can be

Love is free
Free is love
Love is living
Living love
Love is needing
To be loved


The lyrics are so simple. Yet incredibly true. The tune (I regret most ofyou don't know it) is simple, let beautiful enough. And the artist... well, I love the guy.

Yeah, that did help a little bit. I'd better get in a better spirit soon. Because with this holiday now passed, the one we've all been waiting for is now truely around the corner...
Let the new music begin!!!

I'm 'boust to join Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Sometimes that beautiful thing I once had in my hands now dangles right in front of me, never to be mine again, and there's nothing I can do to change it. I know having it once more will just make me sick and down once again. But I miss the good that I once got from it. It may have been like sugar, with its good and its disasterous effects... but it was something I was never privileged to have before. Now that I've gotten a taste of it, I miss having it... There are still some feelings that still can't seem to go away, no matter what I'm doing. I hate to seek something or someone out solely for the purpose of making them go away, but... I'm so lost, I don't know what else to do, and I feel so restless and lonely...
I should be grateful for what I've got now. Because what I've got I'm even lucky to have. In the long term, I'm very lucky with what I ever had. It could've been much worse. I'm just one lucky little duck. *Quack*

Argh..... JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! GIVE ME DRUGS, GIVE ME LABORS, GIVE ME SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!.....

Okay, so that outcry was just a little bit desperate. Don't worry, I'm not gonna start being a druggie or a drinker or a cutter or anything destructive, because that would be, well... destructive. Not helping the healing at all. Using Coldplay's words, part of the disease, not part of the cure.
I love that line. From Clocks. "Am I part of the cure or am I part of the disease?"
(Did I put that in this blog already? Oh well...)
It's much like the philosophy my dad's been pounding into me ever since I could understand coherent sentances. And I will admit I was reluctant to take it up alot, it's just one of those "parents always say that" things. Lately I've been really open-minded to what my dad has to say. Even though sometimes I feel stupid because I had just been proven wrong. But really, my dad has alot of wisdom to offer. I figure rather than waste time resisting it, why not listen to it and maybe accept it into every day life? Wow, the wonders of getting older...
Sometimes it gets really scary cause I'll find myself wording things exactly like my dad would. Maybe its genes, maybe it's because he's my father and I've been with him my whole life, maybe it's both. Let's go with option C.

Okay, so I got a little off topic. I'll tell you what really helps me. Talking with other people. Who know me. My freinds, basically. And even my siblings can help sometimes. Especially Graham. Of all my sibs, he and I have the closest relationship. I find it unfortunate that the way he acts in front of me and the way he acts in front of other people, say, his peers at school, is rather different... and has caused others to not like him too much, even hate him. And I keep saying, "They just don't understand him..." and honestly, they don't. I know I sound like the protective older sister here. But I know I am. And I will keep being it. I mean, it's pretty much my job as the older sister, dammit! I won't shelter him too much, but I do feel protective. People just don't understand. He's not a bad person... he just has alot to learn about how to act with people. And I must say I'm not a complete expert myself, but I try to tell him... the bad thing is that since I'm the older sister, I take on the bossy role... something that's just a habit for me now. Maybe I should kick it. He's got alot to learn... but I wish some people could be a little bit more open minded and sensitive to people. I'll tell you, it doesn't take too much bad words about my brother to tick me off and want to strangle the speaker of such words. So watch out, ya'll! ;)

Once again, off topic. But... then again, I think I've said all I want to say on that topic. Until they come out with a miracle drug... I'm stuck here dealing with it. Support is requested, but y'all don't have to go out of your way to give it to me. I'm trying, I'm really trying...

So.
Now a tribute:



HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRSTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

Maxwell's Silver Hammer

Title: A tribute to serial killers.

Subject: Silly times

Disclaimer: Candice often comments on eating people or things when the go missing, or just in general

Setting: I had just asked Candice about her schedule, and she said she's waiting for people to drop classes so she can take them...

kitcat4986: You should threaten those people..
kitcat4986: wait outside of the class...
kitcat4986: then pin one of them to the wall, give them a scary look:
kitcat4986: "DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!?!?!?"
kitcat4986: ..."Then please drop the class!" *polite smile*
Candice: hahaa
Candice: maaaybe, that would work
Candice: *ponders*
kitcat4986: and if they answer "no" to your question...
kitcat4986: then just kill them!
kitcat4986: Problem solved either way
Candice: or eat them
Candice: haha
kitcat4986: lol
Candice: yup yup
kitcat4986: oh yeah
Candice: once and for all
kitcat4986: wouldn't want all that fresh meat to go to waste
Candice: of course not
Candice: yea know
kitcat4986: you're pretty resourceful!
kitcat4986: See me, I woud've just killed them and left it at that
Candice: yea......i've been told that
Candice: haha
kitcat4986: but eating them...
kitcat4986: that's like recycling!
Candice: kiiiiinda
kitcat4986: (Wow, is this a psycho conversation or what?)
kitcat4986: I can see it now:
Candice: no, i believe it's more like cannibalistic
kitcat4986: Conversation at the Serial Killer Convention
Candice: ooh yea, i can definitely see us there
kitcat4986: Special Guests: Cannibals
Candice: :-D
kitcat4986: hahahahaha...

Now if you'll excuse me, some of the serial killers and I are having a knife-sharpening party... *derranged smile*

The Weekend!

Yes, the title echoes another time... that time the event was supposed to be happy but I was sad. This time the event was supposed to be happy... And I'm happy!!

In one sentence...
What a kick-ass weekend!

It started on Friday. Well... actually, ever since Monday, I've been in a pretty darn good mood. But back to Friday. That night there was to be a Capture the Flag game at 9:30 between Mathes (my dorm) and Nash (the neighboring dorm). Although I had never played before, and probably wouldn't have considered had it not been for my friend, Adria (a girl on my floor), who convinced me to play.
The people who gathered for my team were... pretty rowdy. The boys at least. Obviously sports players, as a matter of fact, probably football players. As we watlked out we had someone playing a drum, someone waving a red flag on a broomstick, and along the way we tried our best to think of a chant, but nothing quite caught on with the whole group. We did do that "huddle in a circle and jump up and down" deal, whatever you call that, to "intimidate" Nash. We played on the main lawn on campus, our border drawn with a rope, and our flags very difficult to spot, as it turned out. Our territory was huge... for a while, I was the only one guarding the flag! I KNEW it couldn't be good--if a bunch of people decided to storm the other side. Fortunately, I had a little bit of a safeguard-- The grass on the lawn was covering HUGE mud slicks. Mud so slippery, I had seen no one run all the way across it and not slip. It was pretty funny seeing all these guys' feet suddenly fly up over their heads, and after the game several guys sported mud stains going down their backs, butts, and legs. At one point there was an organized jailbreak (and what I mean by that is that the referees of the game decided there was too few people on either side for anything to happen) and as soon as the swarm of freed Nash prisoners crossed their border they headed straight into our flag, but luckily by then Mathes was ready for them and not one got to the flag! I even got to tag somebody! For that game, that was the most action I saw.
In the end, Mathes won! (Yay!) Afterwards we tried switching sides and playing a 15 minute game. Although that one was more exciting (I got to be part of a decoy attack and RUSHED at the other side!--only to get deliberately tagged and sent to jail), nothing much came of it, but afterwards both teams headed for the Nash main lounge for refreshments.

It was there that my friend Adria and I, while we were standing in line, ended up talking to a Nash resident, and, after we got our pie/brownies/hot cocoa, sat down and hung with her for a bit. Her name was Jen. She invited us up to her dorm to hang out.
Before this I only knew two other people in Nash. The first one I met on the third day, and we ended up hanging out the ENTIRE day. His name was William. The second was his friend Kit, a girl in my Theater class that I had seen William with before, and talked to her. Really outgoing, part of the "Theater/Musical" clique that I was not so fortunate to have in my high school. (Minus, say... 5 people?)
So with Jen, that would make a third Nash resident that I now knew. We walked back to her dorm. She had given us a brief description of the people who awaited us in there; from what I gathered they sounded pretty cool. She opened the door--Sitting on her bed was William, watching something on his laptop. Sitting next to him was Kit, embracing him at the time, I believe.
*Insert dropped jaw here*
Of ALL people that I stand in line next to, I happen to talk to the roommate of Kit, now girlfriend of William--the VERY TWO people of Nash that I had a previous connection with! Is that funny or what?! I said my enthusiastic hellos, and looked to see what William was watching. It turned out that he had downloaded old school episodes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! I tell ya, this night just kept getting better and better. There was another girl in the room, but she ended up heading out to talk with her parents, and later removed herself completely. Another guy, named Ryan, came to hang out with us. So the 6 of us--ROLL CALL!!--Adria, Kit, William, Jen, Ryan, and me, all watched a few episodes of those fightin' turtles with names of Renaissance artists. And man, heh heh, talk about CHEESY!!! But entertaining, nonetheless.
Afterwards we watched Ocean's Eleven. I will admit, it's not my favorite movie to watch, but it suited entertainment purposes, so I stayed and watched. Fun times with that! Then we talked for a good deal of the night, sharing points of view, laughs, and learning interesting things about other people present. At... somewhere after 3, Adria and I decided to head back. After we left the room, both of us turned to each other and said, like we had just gone to a rock concert, "That was soooo FUN!" For both of us, that was one eventful night. We very much resolved to hang out with Kit and Jen again, they were both fun. Ryan was nice as well, and William was just as I remembered him--very cool!
We got back to our dorms, and found our R.A. Liz in the hallway. She followed us to Adria's dorm, and we talked a little bit more, to a bit past 3:30. Then it was time to finally go to sleep. Somewhere around 4, it finaly happened.

*Whew*

Next day, it was mall day. A girl named Sarah on my floor--friend of Adria's and mine--had a connection with a girl who had a car, and we were to go to the mall that day. I decided to do a bit of Christmas shopping (did I get you anything?! Maybe....). I woke up around 10. An hour later than I wanted to, but in that time I took a shower, so it was not all in vain. At 12 it was brunch time, and at 1:30 we went and malled out. We came back near 4:30, me being very tired, after getting only 6 hours of sleep (I'm used to 8 or more) and walking around all day... I took a little cat nap and then at 5 headed for dinner.
Afterwards, I did a little bit of homework, then met up with Adria outside, deciding that homework was not the way to spend Saturday night. We broke into Nash trying to contact Kit and Jen, but they were out, it turned out, and then we were kicked out of Nash because we didn't have a resident escort (heh heh heh...) with us (later I found out that the RA who kicked us out was rather up tight anyway). We headed back to our dorm to find Liz. The other girls on our floor went to go see Bridget Jones' Diary 2 (I probably would've gone if not for the fact that I haven't even seen the first one), so there was virtually no one else on our floor. We headed up for the TV lounge on the 9th floor, and found Liz, and several other people, watching Elf. It turned out to be the last 15 minutes of it--I wish I had seen the whole thing. Not only do I prefer to watch movies from beginning to end, but I had heard it was a cute movie before from several people... oh well. Adria and I ended up talking to Liz and two other girls from the 8th floor (all of whom were knitting, I might add). A GreenCoat came in (the safety patrol of our school), and reported that our dorm was the "most happening dorm" on campus so far. That was saying something. We talked a bit with him, and then he had to leave to make his rounds elsewhere. Girls talking again, Liz brought up Zach, the new RA in our dorm. Speak of the Devil--he walked right in soon after that! Yet another amazing coincidence. He talked about bringing up some guys to play Halo 2 with. What was really funny was how Liz refered to it as "The Halo." Not video-game savvy at all, or knowledgable in the least, she sounded so... you get the idea.
Some other people came up to talk, and one of them mentioned just getting Zoo Tycoon 2. Alicia, her name was. After I showed some interest in that statement, she invited me to her room on the 8th floor to check it out. The rest of the night was spent with both of us (later joined by Adria) exploring and figuring out the new way to run a zoo. Near 12:30 it was time for bed. Another cool day.

Next day, it was time for some homework to actually get done. I wanted to get it done in the morning... not much luck there. Allie (roommate) turned on the TV and I kept watching what was on. I did get some homework done. I ate brunch with Adria and Sarah again, and then headed back to once agian, get some homework done. Got some done. Allie had a concert at 3, so I went to that. William also sang in it, I found out later. Good concert, very nice vocals heard there. Afterwards I met Allie and her parents and said goodbye to them for a while--Allie's out for the week. For a couple of days I have the room to myself.
Got some more homework done, then joined Adria to invade Nash once again--she had seen some advertisements there for a Family Guy marathon. Saw Jen and Ryan there, and sat and watched and laughed (what a great show!). At about 9:30 we were invited by Ryan to join some friends of his (and Jen, who had left earlier) to watch Mean Girls. Fun times and laughs again. Adria left at 10, and I left when the movie ended, 10:30. Headed here.

So now it's 12:30 and I've just overshared with y'all my fabulous weekend. I'm so glad--I'm doing things, making more friends, not only more friends but meeting people outside my own dorm, having fun--I tell ya, I'm going back up on the wheel of fortune, and it's a fun ride! Yayness!!!
But alas, I need to sleep as well. I hope I can wake up without Allie's alarm tomorrow...
*Zzzzzzz...*

Got to admit, it's getting better...

It's getting better all the time!
There's some Beatles healing right there. "Getting better." On many levels, it has, I think.
So... I went against some friends' advice and turned and forced my issues rather than ignore them forever. It worked. Ever since then I've felt better. Hooray for facing the turning and facing the strain! "Ch-ch-ch-changes..."
Recently I've gotten really into David Bowie. Man, I'm sorry I didn't discover him earlier, he's got such good stuff!

It's pretty weird... I remember how I wrote earlier that I wake up feeling bad and slowly feel good later but the next morning waking up and feeling bad again. It's quite the opposite now--I wake up feeling fresh and relaxed, and as the day wears on I slowly go back to other feelings... I kinda prefer it this way. I feel more at ease, for some reason. There are still those feelings which I hope will lessen and lessen as time goes on, but... for now, I can say I feel much better.
However, as far as physically goes, I've developed a cold. =P It's not too bad. It's just annoying. Started with a slight sore throat, then began to cough a little bit (very similar to the way Zoolander coughs, I tell you), and this morning I've been having some congestion. My voice sounds a little weird too, now. But no big deal, so far. Just a little reminder that I'm not totally immune to sickness out there.

Hmmm... so school's not too bad either. Although I've got a bad feeling about registration... I register Dec. 1st, one of the last days to do so. And of course, being a freshman, I get no priority picking whatsoever. I guess it's only fair, since upperclassman do need some things more than I do... but I want my GURs out of the way, dammit! And that said, who doesn't?! Oh well, I'll just keep hoping there's room for me somewhere...
Still don't know what to major in. I'm toying with the idea of majoring in art... For once, I think I have an idea of where to go in my life. So now I'm sharing. Praise me, laugh at me, call my thinking ridiculous, here it is:
I'd major in art becuase 1) Taking everyone's word for it, it's a talent I possess--Okay, enough modesty: I'm damn good at it!. 2) Despite what I go through with art assignments, I miss it, 3) there are SO many interesting art classes that are only available to majors, 4) a career possibility...
So a week ago I got a letter from my Grandma. Every once in a while she'll send me things that she found in the newspaper that she thinks I might be interested in. Usually she's right. So the "letter" was actually an article she found a while ago about women in the food industry. Most women specialize in desserts and pastries, rather than being actual chefs. And I've known for a while that it's right up my alley! Many of them seem really successful too... and they have fun doing what they're doing! And heck, I love making food too. Desserts are my speciality as well. In fact, it's kinda funny--I used to be the prime cooker out of my siblings and I until my brother Graham decided to take it up. And suddenly he was a cooking fiend! I was a little jealous for a while for being shoved out of my throne, it seemed, but then I discovered that while he cooked alot, he didn't make much desserts. So now he's the chef and I'm the... the... dessert maker! (They need a better word for that...) And that's actually a reflection of what it's like out there; and ironically it's a woman's job to do the cooking in the house (No politically-incorrect comment intended). And I hear artistic ability is very much a part of making these things...
It got me thinking. I love to do that stuff. And there's actually a CAREER for that kind of thing... so, why not?! I guess one factor is that my school doesn't offer any culinary arts programs, but hey, I could finish up four years here, get an Art degree, and then go to a culinary arts college and maybe, just maybe, have a CAREER! Wow... there is a great satisfaction that comes from having an idea of where your life is going...
Now of course, I'm still a freshman. One of my main motives for staying at Western for four years is that maybe I'll come across something else that may spark my interest, and then I'll have that toss-up problem of which one should I choose...

Well, we'll see how that goes.

In the mean time, I'ma gonna rock out to David Bowie!!
"Let's Dance!..."

"Life is good at the U!"

...As my two friends, Michelle and Candice would say.

Wednesday evening through Friday evening was spent visiting those two at the University of Washington.

What can I say, times with them are always good!

As Michelle said, it was like old times, but better!

So. I finally took advantage of other transportation besides my parents and their car. I took a metro to get the transportation center, and a Greyhound bus to get to Seattle. I made it alive, and I even got to sit next to someone I knew from high school, though we mostly kept to ourselves.
I met Candice and Michelle at the Greyhound station, and then we had an adventure of a time trying to catch a bus back to the UW. But we made it, and I starting noting differences between our two schools. For example, I'm not used to a school being smack dab in the middle of a city... weird for some of you guys, but my school is, indeed, in a sheltered little place...
We went up the the 5th floor of their dorm building and I looked at their room; not bad! We had fun commenting on Candice's rainbow ("gay pride") comforter, Michelle's Care Bear blanket (which we also noticed had rainbows all over it), their messy carpet complete with hairballs, the size of their dorm (meant for three roommates, but only used by two), their food supply (top ramen and canned soup... how much more college can ya get?!) in Michelle's "magic tub..." etc.
We went down "the Ave" to look for a place to eat... and we went to Chipotle, a mexican grill which my friend Danielle works at. There she was at the cash register, hot pink hair, eyebrow ring... looking as hot as ever! We ordered our food... and she gave it to us free of charge! This, of course, resulted in many "We love you, Danielle!!!'s" Her boyfriend, Joe, came, and we all sat down, ate, talked, and especially laughed! Good times.
We were originally going to go to a dance party in a neighboring dorm, but we decided there were too few people there for us to really kick it. We instead went back to their dorm and decided to watch a movie. Unfortunately, the computer was having issues. We ended up yelling at our good friend... well, our friend... well... David, on Michelle's cell and beckoned him over to fix her computer... of course, we HAVE to bribe him with--not one--but TWO hot dogs... oy vey. He brought some people over as well: Deanna(!), and a friend of hers named Calvin (seemed cool, I think). We successfully downloaded "Anchorman" and all of us watched that. Good times.
We were going to go back to the dance party, but we decided to hang out more. We ended up talking and talking and talking... jumping from topic to topic... ranging from intellectual, theological, practical, to hopeful, fantasical, and sometimes just plain silly, till 5 in the morning. Good times.
The next day we woke up at around 11, watched TV, then had breakfast at noon. I was taken on a tour of the UW--I had to say, it was a pretty awesome looking school! Very beautiful buildings, looked just like one of your "typical universities." (Although I did take a semester of humanities my senior year in high school, I'm no architecture expert, so I'm not gonna try to describe the buildings in artistic terms). Then we walked to a little shopping area near the school--what a nice little place! Very cute, as Michelle kept saying. There we discovered Jamba Juice: Best smoothie I've ever had! We mostly sat and talked, once we browsed through Victoria's Secret (one of our favorite pasttimes!), and then we headed back to the school. Good times.
By the time we got back to the dorm, Michelle decided it was time to get some studying done for her Chemistry midterm the next day. Candice and I quietly chatted on AIM (to each other!) for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, then after I tested her knowledge, she decided she was as prepared as she got. TV time again! Michelle tuned in the the last half hour of "Just Married," then flipped to a movie called "Fear." I had no idea it was called "Fear" until a commerical break. I was cautious--"Michelle, why is this movie called 'Fear?'" "Oh, you'll see. It's not really scary."
Notes to self:
1) Michelle's and my definition of "scary" vary GREATLY
2) With a title like "Fear"... DUH!!!
I found out why it was called "Fear" a little later in the movie. I found out even more in the climax of the movie.
3) Stay away from creepy stalker guy movies.
That said, I was paranoid the rest of the night. It was one of those moments when I needed a guy I knew and trusted to give me a hug and reassure me that not all men out there are psycho. What's even worse is that the scary guy, at some points, kinda looked like a guy I knew... even though I KNOW he's not that creepy! Nothing to worry about... but I was shakey the rest of the night. ... Good times?
The next morning, earlier than expected, I got up to Michelle and Candice getting ready for their classes. Michelle had her midterm at 8:30, so after a brief morning chat, we wished her luck as she headed out the door. That morning Candice and I were to meet her younger brother, Jason, and her freind, Austin. Jason came to our door, and we met Austin down on the first floor at the elevator. We took Jason on a "mini-tour" of the dorm building , then, serendipidously, met Michelle at the elevator on the way back up. We hung out a bit, then we decided to go get smoothies, since I had wanted one for a while. Michelle walked me back to her dorm, and it was off to class for the rest of them (even Jason--he sat through Candice's chem class). I sat around the dorm for a while, then Michelle came back. More talk time. Jason, Michelle, and Candice came back, and they ate lunch out as Michelle and I had ate lunch in the dorm. Even more talk time. Then it was time for Michelle's Art History class, and Jason and I sat through this one. It was pretty fascinating--like my humanities class, only more in depth. The dark room and the fact that sleep was a bit rare for me was causing me to want to doze off a bit, but the subject and the really cool teacher were helping me keep awake. I can't say the same for poor Jason... After that, it was time to get something to eat. Michelle, Jason, and I walked up to the Ave to find something... then later we decided to go to "the Hub" (a hangout at the school) instead. We had some pizza, and sat and talked a bit, then decided to play pool at the game room downstairs. It was my first time--not bad for it, says Michelle, but I won't say I was any good. I did have a few glory moments, though! I also got some helpful advice from both Michelle and Jason. It's not a bad game--I might take it up. Then it was time to go back to the dorms, and get everything ready to leave. We met Candice and Austin there, and as the last bit of daylight disappeared, we left the happy little establishment to catch a bus for home. Good times.
We made it back to Renton, and I said good bye to them and thanked them for a wonderful time. Very genuinely, I did. I'm so grateful to have friends like them, times with them are always good. It's nice to be able to talk with them about anything, and laughter is guaranteed when all of us are together. They were awesome hostesses, and that's not gonna be the only time I'll visit them.
Now I can't wait to show off the place where I learn and reside! I'll probably have to get more familiar with my area--I hardly leave my cozy little school. Oh well, I've got time to learn more--that said, I wonder if I'll ever take the time to actually do it. Well... either way, it'll be a great adventure for us when it's their turn to learn about a new school.

Hmmm... song playing right now. Quote:
"The flames are all long gone but the pain lingers on..."
(brought to you by Pink Floyd)

There are still some hard feelings churning deep inside... friends help ease the sorrow, but it's not totally absent. This is gonna be a long ride... but I'm gonna try to make it better.
There's always the Beatles to turn to. They've got a couple of songs that'll help. Maybe in a later post I'll give you some examples of their healing powers.
For now, I'm sitting at home, and I need to do some homework.
Good times.

The Weekend.

Hmmm. Very uncreative title. Usually I try to avoid such things. Not today, I guess.
Where do I start?
I guess with Friday night, I was talking to my friend, Tyler. We had been thinking about him visiting me on the 13th of November, but recent automobile events made it really difficult on him, and it was looking more and more slim that the event would happen. However, friday, Nov. 5, he surprised me by asking whether it would be alright if he visited the next day, since appparently he had other things happening on the 13th. I had nothing in particular planned, so I agreed.
He came that morning, around 11. We spent most of the day together, never really leaving my building, harldy leaving my room. At one point we went into the main lounge so he could play the piano; he's so good!! And creative!! And... it was just really cool. We watched Best of Will Ferrell, and I'm so glad he got to do that--it's so quotable! We had some issues with wrestling with the sound on my TV, but he figured it out--he's a smart boy. He met my roommate who brought some new curtains and was very proud of herself for picking them out--I was too! (I'm so glad she's my roommate!) Most of the day we were alone though... we listened to music, talked a bit... I was really tired. I wish I weren't, because I was turning out to be a very bad host, I thought. He left at around six, and I went back in my room...
That event should have left me more happy than I was--way more happy. I'm still not over my feelings... Even now, though I've recovered quite a bit from later that night. I had some issues with him still... fortunately, last night, we got to work some of those out. Once again, I've got nothing to be frusterated, angry, or utterly upset about except myself...
I need to get over these feelings. They hurt, alot. Some things can help, though.
Friendships can help. However, it doesn't help that I'm in the first quarter of Freshman year, what's been called, by most upperclassman I talk to, the worst of it all, in terms of friendships.
Maybe this quarter is my turn at the bottom the wheel of fortune, if times in my life can be consecutively measured out in cycles of a wheel.
Maybe things will turn out better, like everyone says they will... maybe now's the time to be optimistic.
In the meantime, although I hope for a day where the tide will turn, I'll try to survive as best I can.
This is a test.
I'm in the forest.
Let's see if I can make it my home, for now...
(That last part is probably due to the fact that I heard and saw the video for Pearl Jam's song "Jeremy")

I'm in a mobius strip of feelings...
Make a mobius strip. Come on. Work with me. Take a thin strip of paper (or cut one yourself), twist it once in the middle, and tape both ends together. Now take a writing utensil and start drawing a line down the middle of the strip.
Go on. Do it. No one's looking.
Notice how you keep drawing the line, and you go throughout the whole strip and get back to where you started? The line will go on, over and over again, repeating the same path and going no where else...
I start out feeling like crap. I wrestle and strain and push myself out of the crappiness, and by the end of the day, often in the afternoon or night, I feel better, especially after I talk to people. I go to bed. I wake up, and the crap is back. I struggle with crap all day until the afternoon or night, then I feel better, especially after I talk with people. I go to bed, I wake up, back in Crap-o-Land. I fight with crap all morning, the afternoon and night look nice again, especially after talking with people. I go to bed. I wake up...
Ugh.
I'm sick of the deja vu-ness of it all. I just want it to end...
It's like those kind of days... especially over the summer... I remember. Most of the day would be cold, or cool, overcast, and sometimes rainy. By the end of the day, around the afternoon, the sun would finally shine through the clouds. This often resulted in very lovely sunsets. The clouds were still there, but they didn't seem to serve any other purpose besides enhancing the sunset--they sure were beautiful. But the clouds never went away, they gathered back together at night, and the morning would be greeted with falling rain. The pattern would repeat over many days...

It won't end. It keeps following me around, never leaving me completely. No matter what the distraction, I always return to it, and let it gently coax its needle back into my skull, the poison seeping back into my brain, drugging me, taking me back to the place where times were happy and good, even though at the same time I feel pained and sick; a dillusional state of mind...

Holy crap, did all of that come from my imagination? Wow... I should either be praised or on Prozac.

I've had some interestingly themed dreams lately... with dolphins. Saturday night I had a dream... I don't remember the beginning or end, one part stuck with me though. I remember I was in a big room... with huge windows... overlooking a body of water... It would really help if you knew what my cafeteria looks like, since it resembled that. Anyway, all of the sudden I got a feeling that if I looked out the window into the water that there might be dolphins. I look, and I see many curved fins surfacing and dipping below the water... Dolphins! I was thrilled, and I watched them... then for some reason I was closer, and I could see a dolphin plainly in front of me! But then I realized it was beaching itself. I looked around the shore (which resembled a beach in Ireland or Scotland, if you know what those look like), and suddenly I realized there were many beached dolphins around... I saw some more dolphins attempting to beach themselves, I saw some people running out there to try to stop them. I wasn't allowed to go near them, for some reason, so all I could do was stand and watch... I overheard someone in my dream, I don't know who, saying that as the dolphins were beaching themselves, the rocks that they were dragging themselves up against were ripping up their undersides...
Then the dream switched to something else. I don't remember much after that.
My second dolphin dream wasn't so sad. I hardly remember it at all... but I do remember parasailing down to a dolphin in a lagoon, and swimming with it...

Is there some supreme being up there, some deity, some divine spirit, some untangible, invisible, omniscient force up there that is leading me, pushing me, guiding me, forcing me down a path? Is it a fate? Do I have a destiny? Am I being thrown around, up and down, to whatever end I reach?
Or am I doing the jumping on a trampoline myself? Is it all me?
At my state of knowledge and beliefs, I'm gonna go with choice number two, although it's a temptation to blame someone, something else out there for my misfortunes.
Destiny? Or free will? Now for some Forrest Gump wisdom:
"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both. "
You've said all, man. You've said it all.

Wow, I went all over the place with this entry. I hope I don't have to post too many unhappily themed entries. Let's that not only things for me will change for the better, but that I will change for the better. I'm really going for that last option.
So scary... so hard...
Wish me luck.

I guess right now I'm happier. It's the evening, I feel better. I've talked with people.
Two things that make my day:
I got yet another compliment for my Nightmare Before Christmas sweatshirt! =)
and:
"Cheer up, there is no reason towaste time ignoring the roses growing brighter and more beautiful everyday."
~Candice
=)

Still can't think of a song or movie quote for a title... Any suggestions?
Until then...

Oh, and another thing....

Happy freakin' Birthday to Michelle!!!

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot..."

"... it is a silly place."

Some of y'all SHOULD know that movie!

I don't know what's the deal with me and the movie quotes as titles, but it serves my purpose. The theme of this entry, for the most part, is silliness!

I guess it's because yesterday was a rather silly day.

Not all of it was silly; I went to my classes, like usual. I had a test in my Music Appreciation class first thing in the morning, something I only studied for 5 minutes beforehand... Fortunately it's pretty much a "common sense" test, something that if you've at least been an class and payed at least a little attention you should be able to figure it out. Not too many worries there.
I got back my Philosophy (I'd prefer to call it my logic class, since that's what we're doing) midterm: 100!!! But, heh, I didn't really ace it, per se. I missed 4 points on it, but I scored 4 points in bonus question, so I filled in the gap. Either way, it was still a high A. So BOO YAH!
Then I got back my second math test. 88. Better than my last test, a 76. It did disappoint me to find that even looking over my work, I can still make stupid mistakes. And I'm living up to my usual standard--B math student, B test scores.

When I got back, Allie (roomie), was watching 10 Things I Hate About You, a movie most girls should know and love. So I watched with her, we "awwwed" at the cute guys and the cute things they did, and afterwards she decided she was in a disney mood. So she leafs through her CD collection and pulls out... The Lion King! Dude, it's only, like, MY FAVORITEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!! So of course I know the lyrics backwards and forwards! She blasts it, and we BELT it!! The things with her is that she can at least sing, and she sings a-pretty pretty good. Me? No singer. But since there was loud music and loud singing, I joined the loudness! Ah, it was awesome; we did dramatic acting right along with it, danced around the room while cleaning it, and just about sang our lungs out! It was great, I hadn't done that in a long time. Then, when the songs were over, she put in Beauty and the Beast! Yay, more singing! But by then the other girls on our floor were getting annoyed with us, and so, reluctantly we turned it down, closed the door, and sang quieter. And then that pretty much ended there.

Then... My conversations on AIM were rather silly.

YourCheeryChum: freaky apples
YourCheeryChum: man
YourCheeryChum: it is gettin glate
kitcat4986: freaky apples?!
YourCheeryChum: freaky apples
YourCheeryChum: ya read me
kitcat4986: where did that come from?!
YourCheeryChum: umm..i dunno
YourCheeryChum: i guess it was close to "freakin' a"
YourCheeryChum: but freaky apples sounds funnier

If you ever hear me use "Freaky apples," don't tell Candice I stole it!

From my cousin:
IngeniiAcumen: But my brother was in Biology class.
IngeniiAcumen: And they were learning how to use a microscope.
IngeniiAcumen: So one thing they did is they would all take pieces of their own hair and look at it under the microscope and compare.
IngeniiAcumen: And I guess all different holors of hair have solid strands...
IngeniiAcumen: ...except blonde...
IngeniiAcumen: ...which is tubular.
kitcat4986: lol!
kitcat4986: airhair!
IngeniiAcumen: So my brother has taken great joy in being able to say my mother and I are literally airheads.

That's for all you blondes out there!

And finally, some rave reviews:

Themjudds: Aren't you like $2 a night?
kitcat4986: Nope, inflation raised me up to $3.50
Themjudds: Well, at least you blow my mind every time.
kitcat4986: well htat's good to know
Themjudds: Isn't htat though.
kitcat4986: Need some positive customer feedback every once in a while
Themjudds: Well a few things you can work on:
kitcat4986: oh wow.
Themjudds: 1) Be more vocal.
Themjudds: 2) Move around more when you are on top.
Themjudds: And 3) Take control every once in a while.
kitcat4986: Holy crap...
Themjudds: Other than that your motto should be: "Rowan's Late Night Services, Satisfaction Garenteed."
kitcat4986: I'm tempted to post this on my blog...

And I did, Tyler! Mua ha ha ha!!!

I just dont' righly know what else to add to that.
Have fun commenting!
(I love how I asserted that like I KNOW I'll get comments. Well, I'D BETTER!) =)

"Great Halloween, Everyone!"

"I believe it was our most horrible yet! Thank you, Everyone!"

10 points to whoever can name that movie! (Sonja and Deanna don't count. Sorry girls, but I KNOW you know this movie! Or at least I'm hoping you do!)

Another whole October lived through and gone... already?! Didn't we just start this month? Gosh, it is true: the older you get, the faster the years go by...
So I actually had a pretty decent weekend. There were its slow and boring times, but not too many. Mom took me to the mall to get a coat; she's been bugging me about getting one since I moved up here. I gave in, afterall, it IS cold. I got a nice wool red one, with some fuzzy red gloves too. I got a nice new shirt too.
Along the way we listened to Garrison Keillor on his radio program, "Prairie Home Companion" on NPR. I used to resist getting into NPR, it's one of those things only parents, teachers, old people, and nerdy students would listen too. Well, I've come to terms with fitting in one of those catagories, so I can say it now and not be ashamed: I like public radio!!! I have to agree with one of my old teachers, something about Mr. Keillor's voice makes it so nice to listen to whatever he's saying, and he's usually saying something pretty nice, or funny, or profound. Well, on that show, he did a pretty freakin' good reading of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven," accompanied by a beautifully haunting piano... Something listening to his version of it, and having a little more understanding for poetry and human emotions made it seem really powerful to me at the time. Suddenly I appreciate the poem much more. I used to get bored and impatient with Poe's on going yet well describtive imagery, but knowing now that I do the same thing, I can give it a chance and listen well.

Halloween came, I still had some theater homework to do. Two of my best friends, Candice and Michelle, were coming that afternoon to have a little bonding time for the first time in a month (a whole month!). My goal was to get it done before they arrived. I didn't. They came, we talked about our latest events in our lives and shared some funny stories (there's bound to be funny stories when Michelle's around!). We flipped on the TV, and Bravo was showing a countdown of the scariest movies ever. I'm not a fan of scary or gory movies at all, and really wanted to change the channel several times, since they would show clips of an especially frightening part, but Michelle insisted so I let her watch it, while ducking behind a blanket whenever I could. And I hate to ruin it for y'all, but... We were expecting the scariest one to be the Exorcist, but that came at #3. Alien came at #2. My dad vouched for that one, he said it did a very well job at misleading you in suspenceful and nonsuspenceful parts. And the scariest movie was... JAWS! And I remember everyone in the room--Michelle, Candice, my two sisters Keira and Brenna, my brother Graham, my dad, and myself all said "JAWS?!" I SAW that one! Well, not all of it, but most of it! Michelle said to me, sarcastically-like a proud parent, "Wow, Rowan! You've watched the scariest movie!" I can understand why some elements of it may be scary; first time I saw the opening scene I was scared. But then again, I scare easily.
So we carved some pumpkins (props to those two for creating very cool ones!), and after they left I decided to do that homework I hadn't done yet... I sat at my laptop in the dining room, with some cat ears on, while my brother Graham, dressed as the Phantom of the Opera, answered the door and passed out candy. The little kids were cute, everyone admired our decorations (we had a huge spiderweb, complete with a giant hairy spider, across our staircase shone on by a blacklight), and many people were taken aback by, or admired, my brother's costume. And to get my creative juices going, I sampled some forms of sugar from our candy basket... and I got the paper done! Yessssssss! So then my family gathered around for a traditional Halloween movie viewing; this year it was The Addams Family; one of our favorites.
So I'm interested to hear how all y'alls Halloweens went. In the meantime I'm gonna treat myself to another listening of Garrison Keillor's narration of Poe's masterpiece "The Raven," and watch the rain, like a cat would.
You can listen to it too, if you want: http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/play/audio_segment.php?media=/2004/10/30_phc&start=00:01:39:30.0&end=00:02:00:00.0
The first about 10 minutes of it is the poem itself, the rest of it is just the rest of the program. You can listen to the rest if you want, though. I can't really stop you.

"Happy... HAPPY! Hhha-a-a-a!"

You know what's really good?
A dulcid, delicious, SCRUMTRULESCENT (sp? lol, for those of you familiar with Will Ferrell on SNL...) Italian soda! I had my first one the night before I left for B'ham, at Olive Garden. I had another one when we went to Olive Garden again, the weekend my fam came to visit, near my brother's birthday. And then I found out that they sell them at a coffee shop in the Viking Union... SWEET! I'm totally addicted! But I should probably stop soon... First of all, I don't have that many flex points (money to buy goodies like the around campus) left... the majority of them have gone to these wonderful drinks! Second, I always get them with both cream in them and whipped cream on top... if I keep that up my jeans might start squeezing me a bit. (Although I'm sure some of you would be thrilled to see that happen!)
Today I had an orange one; nummy! My first was a raspberry, which I think might still be my favorite. I've also had blackberry; very good. And yesterday I had an almond... my tongue said "Gratzi!" for that slice of wonderfulness! (Sounds like one of those cheesy lines you'd hear in an advertisement) But yes, I've made room in my heart for Italian sodas, right alongside chocolate, flower-flavored things (yes, it's true! They do exist), doughnuts, root beer floats, marshmallows... etc.
Ha ha, earlier, when I told how much I love Italian sodas to Luan, he said that they were like the white person's equivilent to bubble tea! As my brother said, more like bubble tea is the Asian's equilivilent to Italian sodas! lol...

I've noticed something about the way I punctuate my sentances/questions/phrases/etc. First off, I notice that hardly anyone that uses a semicolon; I was taught how to do so in 6th grade and was surprised later in high school that not many people knew how to use one. I didn't use them too often at first; they only helped me every once in a while on my essays. But what's really funny is that my use for them rose significantly after I read Wuthering Heights, since in just about every other sentance on is used. I don't really use them to look or sound smart; I just find them very useful for linking two independant clauses into one sentance.

Another thing I picked up for Wuthering Heights is the "--". I totally forget what's it's called--actually I know how to say it, but not how to spell it. So for the sake of not looking stupid, I'll leave you to wonder. So this little device can be used to interrupt a sentence--like a parentheses, but instead of being an "aside" interruption, it interrupts right out--like this. Anyway, for someone who's mind tends to wander and race in all directions, it is very employable--it's also very good for those who like to go on and on and on and make their sentences big and fat--like me!--in the context of sentences AND my bodily structure!

So the next one is something that I use to the point where I wish there was another punctiation mark like it... called the elipses...("Dot dot dot" for you H*R fans!) It can mean many things: A large, significant pause in a sentence or thought... a sign of waiting... a thought or sentence that trails off... Looking back on my other entries, I think it has to be one of my favorite punctuation marks... It's so simple, yet it can be very useful... if you wanna be vague... or sad... or confused... or if you're waiting for someone to pick up on your innuendo... I also use this alot for IM converastions, as some of you know...

Alright, I'm sure many, if not every last bleedin' one of you is sick of the grammatical lesson for the day. But hey, I hope that those of you who are nerds can see where I'm coming from, and at least appreciate it! Oh, and didn't you guys just LOVE how I incorperated those certain punctation marks into their appropriate paragraphs?! Oh, the cleverness of me!

I just came back from Math--EARLY!! Hooray for an easy class! And my philosophy midterm... I was so worried yesterday. I wanted to study for it as soon as my math final was over, but I ended up starting to after dinner (Ooh! Awesome story about that too! To be told later... let's see if I can focus on one story at a time!). There were practice midterms online, but... I found out that you needed Adobe Reader to open them. Or rather, Luan, who was online at the time, told me so when I panicked to him about it. I then had to download the software from Adobe's website... It was taking a looooooong time. In fact, the total time would take nearly two hours! HOLY CRAP! But then Luan came to my rescue again and sent me a file containing the software, which only took around 5 to 10 mintues to get here. Hooray! (Special thanks to Luan for being my knight in shining armor there!) So then I did those freakin' midterms... while being VERY distracted by people online. I admit it was all my fault for being distracted by them... but when there are cool people online, what else am I supposed to do?! ;)
BUT I got to bed at a rather decent time, woke up early enough to have a good breakfast, sat through other classes and finally got the (*dun dun dun*) midterm--it turned out that all the tests are exact copies of the practice ones online! HOORAY!!!! So I'm pretty sure I at least passed the thing, if not aced it! GO ME! *Does a little happy dance... very similiar to Gollem's happy dance*
Okay, it's nearly dinner time.
I'll come back with two funny dinner time stories. Stay tuned!

*Notice the Zoolander quote in the title? For those of you who know her, go read Candice's latest entry!

Love geek?! ... Yep, that's me!

eXpressive: 4/10
Practical:6/10
Physical: 3/10
Giver: 5/10

You are a RPIT--Reserved Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Love Geek.
Heh heh -- you love geek!

You are weirdly sexy. It doesn't take people a long time to get to know you, but people *think* it takes a long time, because you are as cool and regulated after a year as you are on a first meeting. You don't tend to date casually -- you just suddenly find yourself in long term relationships. Your approach to conflict is your greatest asset -- it complements almost every other type. You don't express yourself or your feelings in dramatic terms, but you will speak up to those who do. You are generally calm, but capable of ramping up, and you don't give up until the issue is resolved -- this means even the hottest temper or coolest conflict-avoider can feel comfortable pursuing their satisfaction with you. And you don't hold a grudge -- you get through it, and it's done. You rock.

Sure, you like the sex. And you communicate with your partner well, so you're good at it. But it's not something you would make jokes about or bring up in polite company (not that you don't appreciate that kind of humor). You're no prude, but that's just not your style.

You'd make an excellent parent.

You enjoy food and can be a ravenous eater. A good cook will get your attention quickly.

Of the 141887 people who have taken this quiz, 5.4 % are this type.


Yep, that's me! The love geek... I rather like that title, actually! Fits me well. I have a few comments on this quiz (thanks to Deanna for showing this to me first):
physical 3/10? I think I deserve more than that.
"You are weirdly sexy." Ha ha, I'm believing that more and more when I see that! Awesome! Pretty accurate... even the calm part... but I'm still weird; they left that part of me out. "You rock." That's right, I do!
This thing also says I'm pretty practical. I suppose... I suppose that I could see myself being practical in a relationship, based strictly on recent events, but even so, I don't really see myself as being a practical person... hardly at all, as a matter of fact.
Heh heh, and about sex... this is strictly a prediction. I have not had sex yet. Maybe I can be good at it... I sure HOPE I can! I did used to joke about it alot, but nowadays I don't, really... interesting.
An excellent parent? At my stage in life, I don't know... let's just hope that prophesy comes true.
Ha ha... food! YES!! I'm not too ravenous, but I will fall for food!
What was hard about taking this quiz was that it asked for my experiences in my last serious relationship... WHAT last serious relationship?! I've never been in A real relationship, let alone a serious one... so yeah, alot of these were suppositions.
So there you go.

As the sun sets, the storm clouds slowly drift away...

It's been a while--well, not a terribly long while, but in any case, you guys deserve an update:
Let's see, since the copying machine triumph... that night I walked with my floor and the 1st floor boys to a little ice cream shop in Bellingham called Mallard's. It's very nice, the ice cream is good, and it's reasonably priced, I think. I had me some Lavender ice cream! That might sound weird to some of y'all, but honestly, to me, it's freakin' delicious!
After that I decided that the next time I would be coming home I would bring back up my baking supplies! I miss making desserts... I begun to debate whether or not I should go home this weekend.
OOH! Also, earlier that day, I had recieved one of the most interesting personality tests ever... I'll have to share it with you people individually. It's pretty funny, pretty weird, and if done correctly, pretty darn accurate! My roommate (a VERY creative person) was especially good at interpreting the results. Praise to her!
Hmmm... nothing much besides school work and going to classes this week. I forgot my towel when I took a shower on Tuesday--I realized I had done so after I was done with my shower. I knew something like this would happen eventually, but this still took me by surprise. Fortunately I had my bathrobe, so I just went back into my room and retrieved my essentials, praying along the way that there were no boys in the hallway (there weren't, thank goodness). No big deal, but it was still slightly embarressing.
I've slowly but surely been sorting out my issues, slowly but surely emerging from my comfortable but rather dark lair. I've been bonding with some of the girls on my floor, and with my roommate. I'm starting to trust her more and more, and I want to move past the "just roommate" stage (ha ha, I want to take it to the next level!). She has always struck me as a cool person, but I think she'd make a good friend. So we'll see what happens.
Yesterday...
My FIG seminar was really cool. The teacher we have is in a band made up of different staff members in Western, and we got to listen to them live in front of us! I swear, that class is like a School of Rock! My dream come true! I look forward to that class everyday, we never have a not intersting day in there.
That evening I went and saw the actual play "The Suppliant Women." Like any play, it's SO much different seeing it than reading it. I'm sorta glad I'm familiar with the play, but seeing it... I have to say, I think it was freakin' awesome. I guess you'd have to be familiar with the play to understand me, but it's so amazing how something that was written over 2000 years ago is so relivent to events happening today. That's what really struck me about the play. Anyway, I had never seen Greek Theater done before, and this was very well done. Much talent, much imagination, and a couple of cute boys! ;) I'm so glad I have easy access to theater up here, it's a very enjoyable experience.
I also made it official that I'm going home this weekend. Have to get a few essential things, and do two weeks worth of laundry!
So today I had my first midterm. For Theater. It wasn't so bad, I had put off studying for a while (heh, who doesn't?), but it wasn't that hard. I won't say it wasn't hard overall, it did make me think a bit, but the whole test was True/False, so the challenge wasn't overwhelming. I'm just hoping I did well as I think I did! For the rest of the day I took it easy; watched some TV, saw my roommate and two girls from my floor off for the weekend, hung out with another girl on my floor and told her stories from my past, and got a few things together to bring home. So nothing terribly exciting for the outside world to hear, but oh well. Times up here are getting good, and I'm becoming more and more torn between home and here... in fact, which is which?
Listening to Neil Young's "Natural Beauty." Lovely song, and I really subscibe to the message as well. Won't plague you with musicless lyrics today, though. But I recommend checking it out.

*blinking neon sign* Applause! Applause!

I'm so proud of myself, and I'll tell you why!....

*drumroll*.......................
*CYMBOL CRASH!*

I have learned to use a copy machine!!!

And this is the point where I would recieve an awkward pause, a bunch of disappointed sighs, and/or the awkward, sporadic "polite" clapping.

Well I feel proud of myself! And right now that's all that matters to me; after all, it was my own fear I conquered.
No, I don't have a fear of copy machines. As often the case, there is more to the story. So, here it goes. I'm conquering another fear by sharing this with y'all (it makes me looks very stupid, I'm sure), but one fear at a time.
The assignment in my Theater class required that we take one of the 4 available scripts of Euripides' "The Supplient Woman" (Recall any greek theater, fellow Nerds?) and make our own copy of it in the library.
So before this I had never used a copy machine before. And when I don't know how to use a machine, or am not familiar with it, I often get nervous around it. I guess that's been a built in fear with me; as a child I hated mechanical things. My grandma once tried to give me a little toy bear that crashed symbols when wound up, and I hated it.(I don't remember this at all, I'm relying on what my mom recalls) And apparently on my first visit to the dentist, I was given a tour of the little... room.... I don't know what they call it; as most kids are on their first dentist visit. I was fine with everything, until the hygienist got to the moving chair. My mom tried to warn her, but she made it move up and down, and--that was it. I had to leave. I wasn't even crying or screaming or anything, I just took my mom's hand and tried to lead her away from the horrible place. (Once again, I don't recall any of this, it's my mom's story)
So I've just over-proven my point and went on a long tangent. Pretty typical me. So let's get back on track: My old fear of strange machines wasn't the only fear kicking in. A stronger one was coming. The scripts were available in a small room labeled "Reserves," a room obviously for books in a limited number reserved for a class. I couldn't bring the book outside the room without checking it out first, and all I needed was a copy. There was a copy machine in the very back of the room, along with a table that people were ALWAYS at (important point, highlight it). So now not only would I have to figure out how to make that copy machine serve my purpose, but there would have to be PEOPLE present to see me be technologically incompetent. That's one of my greater fears... the loss of my dignity, the fear of looking bad in front of other people, particularly people I don't know. But first thing was first--find "The Supplient Women." I had already been a semi-big girl and asked a lady at the information desk where I might find it, she pointed me to the "Reserves" section. So I go in there, and luckily there are computers there--a machine that I fortunately know the basics for operating. I figure out the program pretty quickly and learn the call numbers for the four scripts. Now I just had to figure out where those numbers were in the room. So I look on the shelves, and how nice--the call numbers were listed on them! So my number was pretty high, I go farther and farther into the numbers. I get to the last shelf, and it says "11050-End." The number I was looking for was at least 11138. That didn't seem quite right... it seemed too low to encompass the numbers I was looking for. So now a new obsticle: Where the hell WAS that script?! In the meantime, I did alot of stupid things to make me look not so stupid; you know, "browsing" the other books around, I checked my watch often... so in the end I gave up and walked out of the library, feeling very stupid and bad that I had let my roommate down, who was also relying on me to get that copy, being that she was in my class too. I miserably walked back to my dorm, and sat on my bed, defeated.
Then I had a visit from my RA. Or rather, she came in to borrow something of my roommate's and I followed her back to her dorm because I feel like I needed to talk with someone and found her trustworth enough. I asked her what to do if I could not find something in the library, she advised to MAKE the staff help you find it. It turned into a conversation of my shyness, my tough time reaching out to other people, my desire to be included but fear of showing it too much. She, in return, gave me some very helpful advice that I had heard over and over again from various sources: Step outside your comfort zone. Don't be afraid to include yourself. Go get involved in something. If there's nothing to do, organize your own event. Don't worry, people here are nice and won't judge you harshly (I had said those words myself in describing the attitude of college students). It really depends on who I hear this from to make it meaningful. If I had heard it from my parents... it would just sound like "parental advice"... you know, the kind that many people complain about and hardly ever want to listen to because they get it all the darn time. If I heard if it from my good friends... I would listen, and I would know they want to make me feel better, but it would almost feel like parental advice, of COURSE they want to make me feel better. If I heard it from someone I didn't know too well... I'd call them a fortune cookie, or I'd smile at them and think that was rather nice, depending on their attitude. Something about hearing it from Liz (my RA) made it easier for me to take... she's like a big sister to me, or what one must feel like since I've never had one. So I took her advice to heart, and I still am.
Yet another long tangent. My train of thought is so exhausting, I apologize for that. Back to the real story: That all happened YESTERDAY. Today, I still had to go down to the library, find that script, and copy it. So I went down to the library. Easy enough. Then I decided that before I go pleading for help that I try to find it again. I looked on that shelf that read 11050-End again... and near the end of the shelf, there they were: four scripts of "The Suppliant Women." YESSSSSSSSSS!!! Alright, two down, one to go. One very big obsticle to go. And of course, in the back of the room near the copy machine was that table, full of people studying. Now time for stupid behavior. I sat down in on a stool near the bookshelf and leafed through the script. I noticed that a majority of the book was taken up by the "introdution" and the "notes" in the back of the book, so I didn't have to copy that many pages. The problem was... I still had to copy them. I kept glancing at the copy machine, hoping that someone would use it so I could watch and see what they did. No such luck, so finally I v-e-r-y casually walked on over to the copy machine, like I knew what I was doing, but right when I was about to try to figure it out, I sense someone behind me. I turned around. There was someone behind me. I let him do his copying first, trying not to "watch him" but still studying his methods. From that I got an impression of how to do it, but no pure knowledge. Finally it was my turn. I stupidly looked at the machine and was immediately perplexed. So many buttons... and what do they all mean? And I know better than to just press buttons on a strange machine! After about 10 seconds of idiotic just-standing-there, I finally resolved to go the desk outside the reserved section to ask how to work the damn thing. The nice lady at the desk offered to show me how to work it, but it turned out the student she had working there just left and she was the only one at the desk. Instead I got a verbal tutorial, and it did help a bit, but I went back to the copy machine still unsure of my abilities. But... I FINALLY GOT IT TO WORK!!! I was so happy! I was still concious of the people behind me and wondered if they payed attention to me, but I made my copies and walked out, nearly skipping! It was such a relief...
To put it in a very weird metaphor, it was like having to pee for a very long time, but not finding a suitable, comfortable bathroom; the only one available is a public one, and I don't feel comfortable going in it. But finally I muster up some courage, go in there, and then come out feeling SOOOOOO relieved!
My friend Michelle is very good at making up weird analogies. I feel like her.
So yeah, I know that, on the whole, this isn't much accomplishment. But for me... this is coming from someone who is afraid to try anything new by herself. This is coming from someone who is afraid to ask for anything, no matter who she's asking. This is coming from someone who is so self-concious it's rather ridiculous, who's afraid to make eye-contact with people, who'd rather hide than show herself to the world, who's dignity dictates her life. The step is small in the long run, but it moves me FORWARD, dammit!!!
Okay, I'm done patting myself on the back. Now I gotta read the stupid play!

Hey Bulldog

Man, it's amazing how a friend's sorrows can make me forget my own. It's kinda relieving, actually. I wonder why that is... maybe it's the phrase, "Misery loves company." But when I hear of their sorrows, unless it's the same thing I'm going through, I forget about what I'm going through. Maybe some of you would derive that it provides some satisfaction to see others as miserable as you are. Well... no. I don't like seeing anyone miserable, let alone ones that I care about. It does provide some comfort sometimes to see that your friends understand what you're going through, but I don't like for my friends to suffer. Maybe it's just nice to focus attention away from the crappiness of my life onto helping relieve some of the crappiness of another's life. Not only does it feel nice to help someone else, but it feels nice not to think about what's wrong with me. Then again...
I think of the movie Amelie. I want to see that again, there's just something about French films that require mulitiple viewings. Anyway, throughout the movie she tries to help her friends fix and change their lives, but in the end the one who's life really needed to be fixed and changed was her own; in the end the life she had any power or control over was her own, like the rest of us. I always try to keep things like that in mind. Though it does help to be an understanding, supportive friend, and to have understanding, supportive friends, the only person you can ever control or change is yourself. There are times when one needs to be rescued, though... if someone could get hurt, that's when it's time to intervine.
You know who I really sound like? My dad... sometimes it kinda scares me how much of a replica of him I'm turning into, but then again I consider my dad to be one of the smartest, wisest people I know, so maybe it's a good thing...
What's really cool is the music from Amelie. That would make a nice Christmas present (*AHEM*). The piano is so beautiful... I admire--no, worship-- musical geniuses. They rock my world, sometimes literally.
Now I will apologize for the many song titles and lyrics I keep posting. Sometimes, in fact many times, I feel I can express myself best through songs I love. There's something about music that can amplify feelings, there's something about poetry that best expresses feelings in words, and there's something about the combination of the two that just utterly, amazingly hits the feelings right on the dot. So once again, sorry about the songs; though I did not say I would stop doing it! ;)
Today's Title: A Beatles song.
Today's lyrics excerpt:
"Some kind of innocence is measured out in years. You don't know what it's like to listen to your fears. You can talk to me, you can talk to me, you can talk to me; if you're lonely you can talk to me."