Crying Lion

Found this online. Just thought it was interesting.
Poor lion.
I wish I had a comforting winged dude, though.

Yes, this is Art

This is a piece by Kandinsky. Those who took Humanities at Lindbergh (with good ol' Nicholson) might have a ringing bell in their head by looking at this image.
This was one of the pictures we looked at in the first class of my liberal arts class (called Art and Ideas), and we were kinda just throwing out ideas here and there about it. In the end, we said it was a very emotionally-driven piece, created from a sense of the world that wasn't based solely upon logic and reason.
Call me a dumb butt liberal arts artsy-pants person, but it spoke to me.
We've got alot in common.
I'd just figure I'd share...

(And Johnny Depp's in my class!!)
(and you'll just have to wonder about that for now)

Spring has boinged in

Dead week came and went.

Finals week came and went.

Spring break came and went.

Total:
A B+ in philosophy, a B in Shakespeare, a B- in Anthropology, and a C- in Geology.
Several kinds of cookies made.
Quality time with my cat and my dog.
Permission to be in the art department.
A hang-out time with Michelle at my house, and at the movie She's the Man.
A hang-out time with Candice and her boyfriend, Micah, at the Woodland Park Zoo.
Viewings of Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Wererabbit and Corpse Bride.
Many jigsaw puzzles built.
A computer, finally wrestled to the ground, having a bad hard drive. Replaced the hard drive, and I'm still in the process of reinstalling everything that mattered.
And much anxiety and depression.

That's all for now. Hope your breaks were nice, for those of you in the same college routine.

Chit Chat

This was a good conversation where I got to let things out as they came. I thought much of this would make good blog material, but I don't like repeating myself. So I present to you a conversation piece:

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
hello

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
Hi

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
how're things going?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
thing's are going relatively okay

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
how's the day been?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
not bad so far
: (means I'm still talking) the snow was unexpected

robert :: katamari damacracy says:mm:
lol

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
Kit poked me awake to look at it

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
Joyce to me: "At least it isn't snowing yet." I walk outside thirty seconds later to find snow >_<>parts left out)

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
hey
: it's a month until I'm 20

robert :: katamari damacracy says: awesome!

... ... ...

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
I want a smoothie
: and kittens
: and flowers
: and sunshine--warm sunshine
: and to be listening to Third Eye Blind's second album...
: I'm being really reminiscent with music lately
: going back to stuff I listened to in high school

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
mm

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
hmm... something interesting, and yet a bit frustrating...
: I do get in good moods once in a while
: Keeli and Morgan help alot with that one--I'll miss it when they're not together
: and I feel like I'm on the verge of something..
: but I'm not sure as to what
: this is very hard for me to describe

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
*hugs* something good, hopefully

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
but I keep getting that feeling that if I had found whatever made me happy, I would be thinking about that
: or I would go to that
: whatever it is
: I don't know...
: there's just something out there... and within me... that I can't name or grasp, but when I get my happiest, it's like it's on the verge of blooming, on the very edge of jumping out from whatever it's hiding behind, getting closer to revealing itself...
: and the two things I wonder most are a) what is it, and b) what will it take to bring it out of hiding


robert :: katamari damacracy says:
the more you're happy, will you learn more about it?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
it's like that game I'm sure most people have played, "You're getting warmer, you're getting warmer..."
: I'm not sure
: I do think about things that make me happier
: and but I wonder if there's not one more thing out there that'll unite them all...
: that somehow I can utilize all those that make me happy into one thing
: or at least find something that surpasses them all
: or find something that combines little parts of all kinds of things that make me happy
: I don't know what it is, or how to bring it into light, which is what frustrates me
: and of coures there's a million things in the world to choose from, and although I've favored a few things here and there, all I've really determined is what doesn't work and what i odn't like

robert :: katamari damacracy says
:the only advice i can offer from here is to keep going, persist. you won't find it if you quit and die.

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
but I just wonder if it's close or far, how long it'll take to find it, how long the journey will be in finding it, and how much I'll have to grow and change to really realize it
: yeah...
: some days I really do feel like quitting and dying... there are some days when I feel just hopeless: but today's not one of those days...

... ... ...

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
it took me twenty years to find something that i know will be with me as long as i have all my limbs and wits about it. not even a career, a direction, just a sure thing. one. it's not as simple as if we were forced into things by blood.

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
yeah...
: I just wish I could even find one thing that I'm passionate about
: it's so empty and unfulfilling knowing that I lack a passion
: for as long as I've known my passions have been my relationships with people
: at one point, animals
: I'm not sure I've been really passionate in my art... I think I've more or less expressed passion in my art

... ... ...

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
I was just looking out the window at a cloud floating around
: and thought, yeah, sometimes I get an idea of my source of happiness, but for now it feels like an amorphous blob, not really taken shape
: and that idea sounded vaguely familiar...
: and then it hit me
: ... you've read the Harry Potter books, right?

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
>_>
: no

(So ensues my aghastness that this is true. I'll perhaps explain the idea I had later. The quote I'll save from that part of the exchange is:)

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
we're both legless fiction monkies!
: *ooh ooot ahh ahhh!*

... ... ...

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
wanting new things, but not wanting to stray too far from what I have..
: that's been a struggle with me for a while, now that I think about it

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
mm
keeping one interest and not letting others take over?

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
um... more like the feeling of wanting to feel settled and wanting to explore at the same time
: I know if I stay completely stagnant, I won't go anywhere and be miserable
: but dont' just want to break off attachments in search of new ones
: just pick up and leave for the unknown, as it were: in all sense...
: *senses

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
i think i understand better

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
okay
: dont' want to transfer out of Western or just go somewhere different or change too much of what I do, because I've got friends here who I like and depend on and who depend on me
: and it makes me feel somewhat grounded
: which is what I aim for
: I want to feel grounded by something
: but I want to reach out and find new things
: find something that works, for once
: interests of any kind
: I don't know... some of my thoughts don't make sense...
: I don't have a whole lot here, as it is... but what I do have, I value quite a bit

robert :: katamari damacracy says:
value can be relative, though it doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't value
: but it definitely feels much better to be grounded than not

Decadent Chocolate Roses in Crimson Silk says:
no kidding
: I need... some... thing... dammit, it's always like this
:I don't know enough out there to really determine my direction in life
: but I want to finish what I've started here...
: but I don't want to lose precious time in finding out what taht somethingis
: but I don't want to leave..
: but I want to go..
: but aaaaahhhrrrrlrlr lf. mf. f.

robert :: katamari damacracy says
:brain matter tug of war >_<>
And the rest of the converation is alright, but not as important as the stuff I wanted to get down.I think I'll close it for now. Harry Potter reference/insight will have to wait.

Someone's Waiting for you

Possible reasons for this entry*:

a) Anything to keep me from writing that big 8-10 page paper that's due in 2 days
b) I feel like looking at twinkling stars, even though there are clouds in the way
c) The song came to me out of nowhere and I felt I had to write my thoughts down somewhere
d) All of the above
e) None of the above

*Answer at the bottom

Every child has many wishes
That they wish when they’re alone
Faith can work just like magic
Nothing changes when you’re grown

Be brave little one
Make a wish for each sad litte tear
Hold your head up
Though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you

Don’t cry little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’ll be part of the love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright

Have faith little one
Till your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone’s waiting to love you

*Yes, the answer was d. I like multiple choice!

I come with the urge to express myself

It's been a while since I've done a real heart-to-heart with my writing here. It's Saturday, March 4th. January seems ages ago, and February blew by with great speed, despite how slowly it chugged along. In 4 weeks it'll be the 1st of April. 4 weeks by itself seems like quite a while right now, but I know, like many measurements of time we create, it'll feel like it blew by, like the breeze I just felt from an open window, when I am actually standing in the middle of April the 1st.

I had all kinds of thoughts by staring out my window downstairs in my room. I'm up in the computer lab right now, because I'm not sure how long my laptop will hold out. I don't like the view as much. My view downstairs lets me look far out into the world--the neighborhoods below, the water, the mountains and islands beyond, and I could see clouds moving in the distance. Up here I get a wall of trees that grow along Sehome hill. It's kinda acting like a physically manifested mindblock. I need to be downstairs where I can see a bit more clearly.

I keep getting cravings for smoothies.

There. I'm back in my room. On my bed. With my view. And with my roommate's computer. I was kinda stealing it when she walked in the door with her boyfriend... "Can I use your computer?" *guilty feeling* But she's cool, so I'm using it. I'm not quite alone in my room anymore, which is simultaniously a good and bad thing. Oh well.

I'm still alone with my thoughts up here on my bed and a screen no one else but me can see. That'll do.

Looking out on the water, I can see several sailboats taking advantage of the mostly sunny weather. Looks kinda pretty... aesthetically pleasing, in the very least. It reminds me distantly of my grandparents, and being down at their house. I know they have a picture of sailboats somewhere in their house. Damn, I want to cross my fingers in hopes that an opportunity to venture back to San Diego will come my way this summer. I want good things to happen...

Occasionally when I look out the window into the water a much bigger boat will take me by surprise as it comes alone. The little sailboats and motorboats are nice to look at, but they don't give me a... well, an almost shock value at seeing something so big suddenly in the water. Sometimes it's fun to imagine that they are huge sea creatures majestically and ominously floating by. ... One thing I seem to do alot is to put my thoughts in terms of animals.

When I see large bodies of water, sometimes what I really like to imagine is seeing a gigantic aquatic creature/monster briefly breaking the surface, or swimming so close to the surface that you can see its waved outline along the surface. It's a vision of a huge thing that both fascinates me and scares me at the same time. It would be a creature that I would want to run away from and approach and touch--and maybe ride.
It's always fun to imagine, but the sensible part of me knows that such a thing is never likely to happen, especially when it's merely the puget sound that I'm staring across from here. Heck, as far as we know, the ocean doesn't carry too many shock-and-awe-huge creatures, not nearly the amount that we like to imagine about. Still, there's something somewhat fulfilling in letting your imagination be creative...

And once in a while I get a slap in an old, deep wound. Of all things, I think that's what gives me the most pain. Once, it made me the most happy. Everything seems to be a double-bladed sword these days... is there something out there that'll make me happy without the risk of hurting me one day?

Every day I get a Rent song stuck in my head. I kid you not, EVERY DAY. Some days it'll be one song, some days I'll have a Rent DJ in my head. This morning. It's "Without You."

Without You... it rings true. But what's true? Who is the "you" that I really speak of? I could label it down to one specific person, but even since then, there's been other "yous" that I've had to live without. That I die without. Is the "you" just an idea of someone to be with, who will make me feel alright about nearly everything, even for a little while (or a longer while)?
Or maybe the "you" is my idea of inspiration. (Holy FUCK, do the girls on my floor need to be as loud as they are? Nothing personal, really, but SHUT. UP. Especially when I'm trying to have some peace of mind her... oy. Sorry, sidenote.) I haven't felt really inspired for a long time. I get little spurts once in a while, but they seem to die off very quickly. My art reflects that. I haven't been able to create a work of art I've been really proud of for a long time. My best works seem to come from about the middle of high school, when I first started taking real art classes. Maybe the inspiration of finally being able to express myself to someone who would appreicate it to the fullest extent. Maybe being able to do what I do best in my own time by myself was my inspiration. And for a while, during art class, it was true--I didn't really have friends in there. There were people I talked to on occasion, but it was mostly just me there. Just me drawing and painting and otherwise artistically creating. When I did have friends in art, my work did seem to decline a little bit. I do have artistic friends, but I think it's best that I try not to make too many in my art classes. Or ones that I won't talk to too much. It needs to be just me...

Todd and Kit have long gone by now. It's just me again. Me, me, me.

Although just me can be really lonely sometimes, I think it needs to be just me for a while, and more often. I've been so afraid of just me for as long as I can remember... Just me alone never seemed good enough.
Being alone.
It's one of my greatest fears...

The Book has grabbed my attention. It's a pretty good sign when The Book grabs my attention. A bad one when I want to avoid it. I've done both. The Book is one of the books my dad gave me to, well, prepare me for the world out there, now that I've grown older. The other one was The Art of Loving. A very good book. I've subscribed to just about every idea in that book, and I've subscribed to the idea that everyone in the world should read that book. Someone else has my copy... I want it back, but the thought of getting it back scares me like nothing else...
Anyway, The Book. I started reading it many times before, and then put it down and nver really picked it back up again. That's another nasty habit of mine. I've got a painting of a kitten on my desk that I started in January and haven't picked up since then. Many books have been put down and never picked up again by me. The difference with books and paintings is books is that paintings... well, they run the risk of losing whatever inspiration they started with. Then the painting ends up no good. Books, though they can require certain moods, can be read any old time and be just as good as they started with. I am reading more these days... not too much more, but more.
Anyway, The Book. Its full title is The Book On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. Fascinating, no? I think it is, anyway. It's very much a book my dad would love, and definitely a book I would take with me. My dad is pretty much right about everything. I don't agree with every single one of his ideas, but I end up agreeing with most of what he tells me. Maybe it's because I've been raised by my dad for nearly 20 years now, but I'd like to think that I'm independantly deciding that most of my dad's ideas are good ideas. I'm turning into more of my dad every day.
Just the other day I was talking with my brother online, trying to help him with a project for school (that I did myself two years ago), and I started talking about the goal of the project... I can't remember what I said, exactly, but I remember sounding alot like, if not exactly like, my dad.

It's Graham's birthday today. He's 18. Eight... teen. Damn, he's growing up. He's officially a young adult now... I'm not the only one in the house anymore. It's almost too much to really think about... he'll be going to college soon too.
I remember when I turned 18. I remember the day pretty well. I sat in my mythology class, with nothing out of the ordinary happening yet... And my (beloved) 11th Grade US History Teacher, Mr. Rettmann, bedecked with stick-on bows and presenting a bouquet of roses, led the class in a "Happy Birthday" song to me. I remember sinking in my chair. I also remember Michelle presenting me with a birthday sign (because a big trend back in those days was to wear a sign indicating it was your birthday in one way or another... "Kiss me..." was a popular one), this time saying "I'm 18! I can buy you... Nothing! It's my birthday, not yours!" I got funny reactions out of the people around me... I was a little lost myself. It's now that I can fill in the pause with "Cigarettes" or "Porn" or the less-popular "Lotto Ticket." I'm a slow one.
The day otherwise was rather ordinary. I don't remember much else happening. I remember it was sunny. I don't remember what I got from my parents. I can guarantee you my cake was chocolate, but I don't remember how it was decorated. It had 18 candles on it.

I should give my brother a call later. I don't get to see him today, afterall.

Every once in a while the pain comes.
I've got to feel it.
Just feel the pain.
Just me.
No one else here with me.
Just me and the pain.
It's not bad.
It's just me and my pain.
It'll pass... but it has to be there.
I have to feel it before I let it go.

There.

There's a row of sailboats out there now, all going in the same direction. Some have white sails, some sails look a little more tan. Are they in a race?

I've just had some random Harry Potter thoughts...
They were neat. And scary.

It's about 1:30. I haven't eaten anything yet. I missed brunch; it ended half an hour ago. I'm feeling the need to eat something. I dont' know if anything on campus is open. Well, the market is open... but I don't know.
I kind of want to venture downtown. Part of me wants someone to go with, but I don't know if I have anybody. Adria's just about always busy with her AUAP students, as she is an IPA this year. She's really happy, and I'm glad she's happy with what's she's doing. Keeli's hard to predict... and she's always rather busy these days. And stressed. And now's not the time to bother her. Kit went bye-bye with Todd. I don't talk to Sarah and Diane much these days. Don't really feel inclined to be with just them either. Lee I only hang out with in groups and with Kit. Robert went home this weekend. And anyone else... it's too complicated.
Besides, this might be a good exercise in "By-Myself-ism." I could go check out some resturant downtown. Give myself a treat of yummy food. Take a book with me. Take The Book, even. Take the chance of meeting someone new down there. Take the chance of being by myself. Do something slightly scary.
And do something even scarier.

After a shower. My hair is disgusting.

Earlier I saw a shadow of a cloud over the water, and it looked like an underwater silhouette of monsterous creature. A big, terrible, awesome, scary, wonderful creature in the water. It frightens me... and I want to touch it.
Here goes.

Do do do de da da da

... is all I want to say to you.
It's the song stuck in my head now.

Broody Herr.
My computer is being Whiney McBitchMonkey again (I'm coming up with all kinds of new nicknames for it), so I'm sitting in front of "Blakely," one of the computers on the 9th Floor Computer lab in Mathes. It's about 1 in the morning. I wonder if I should go to Philosophy tomorrow. I've still yet to copy down all the notes I need, and I wonder where they left off. Maybe I'll go tomorrow to SEE where they leave off, that way I'll know how much of the posted-online-notes to copy.
Yes, some of you may wonder why I'd bother going to class if the notes are all online anyway. Well... call me crazy, but I'd actually like to learn something from a class that I'd take. I feel guilty when I think about how many classes are taken for "credit's sake." Evidence of a learning experience on paper.
I'd like to think I could get something useful out of it. This is, after all, Logical Thinking. It's what I can be good at. It's not the most interesting, exciting, or practical class I've got (nor is it all that demanding)... but, why the hell not try to pick up something from it?

I've been a ball of stress, again. Computer breakage. Homework from classes to think about (bloody anthropology). Finals coming up in about 2 weeks time. Art Portfiolio to submit. Questioning the closeness of a friendship...

Let's start out with the art portfolio.... I finally submitted mine today!! Robert generously lent me his camera, his computer, and his time to help me out. And I can't be grateful enough--with no camera and a breaking computer and not too much of a sense of how to put it together... I definitely need some assistance. I had to photograph 12 of my best pieces of art, put them in either slides or a slideshow (hooray for powerpoint) on a CD, describe each of them (my inspirations, influences, process, whatever), and submit an application form and a self-addressed envelope. And it's done. The day before the deadline. One less thing I have to worry about!!

Questioning my closeness... Robert and I are good friends. He's one of the most reliable and trustworthy people I've got. I have a hard time drawing the line between good friend and attachment sometimes, and I had a deep down feeling telling me I'm getting too close. I admit, in the past, Robert and I had gotten a bit too close (physically)... we try our darndest best to refrain from any of that now. But we're still close. I just kept getting feelings of regret... the kind I got before I broke up with Alan, the kind I got after close encounters of the Eric kind. I hate to feel that feeling... maybe Robert and I have mild feelings for each other deep down, but I don't want to lose yet ANOTHER good friend... I'd be running out of options for sure. And Robert... well, he really likes having me around. REALLY likes having me around. Losing me would be devastating, and he would wonder if he would stay here, should I go away. I like the feeling of being needed... I REALLY like it, in fact. But my bad feelings would insist on being there. I talked about it with someone this morning, and they said that, even though it's a gut feeling, that I shouldn't listen to it this time. ... which was weird. Because all this time I thought listening to the gut feeling was going to help me in every situation. Relationships, feelings, taking tests, etc. It had never really failed me before.
Robert told me I shouldn't trust them either. So maybe... maybe everyone else is right this time. The feelings have lessened since then. I have decided to stay close to him, it'll probably be better for me.
Thank goodness for friends.

Cause spotting my ex with his new one once in a while is like a good kick to the heart from my ass. It's not the fault of anyone... but it still makes me want to chew my own hand off.

My computer breakage doesn't help either, dammit.

As I said earlier to a friend:
God? Hi. Look, it's really not funny anymore. Doesn't this get old after a while? Couldn't you pick on someone else now?

Oh well. The Beatles told me to keep saying this, cause it's true:
Got to admit, it's getting better...