Oh I wish

I wish things were different. I wish I didn't expect so much of people. I wish I had the capacity to settle down when I need to. I wish I was happy again...

I don't know when I'll write the entire story of what happened down here. All I'll say was that despite the many things Alan and I had in common, we were more emotionally different than we thought. And no matter how much we try to patch things up now, it won't work. Who knows if it'll ever work again...

We clicked right away, at first. And I suppose at the very beginning of the relationship, I was a little afraid and reluctant at first, and he was rather eager. Eventually I learned to trust him, and he got established with me. We cared about and for each other. I started to rely on him for many things... and it became more and more apparent that he became unable to provide many of them. Suddenly I wanted the relationship to keep picking up and picking up and growing and growing, and he was starting to slow down a bit. If I tried to slow down for him, I would feel restrained and unfulfilled and disappointed. If he struggled to try to keep up with me, he would feel exhausted and overwhelmed and frusterated. So, as friends, we worked really well... but as for a long-term relationship, something would always be missing... the more I think back on past events, the more it makes sense. I wish it could be different... I really do.

We tried patching things up again, but what we kept getting was a preview into what may happen if we start things over again. We'd be on the same level, then I would ask for more, and he would be unable to provide it, I would be disappointed, he would be frusterated. That tension of that missing element would always be there.

We said we would take a break from each other several times. But then we would see each other between classes, and see each other in the dining hall... it was difficult to stay away from each other. But now (as we stated on Friday morning), we decided to try to stay away from each other for good. To take a real break. To not give into temptation to see each other... to even go out of our way to avoid each other. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Much of my life was built around him, many of my habits were based around him. We shared much of the same friends, and ate with the same people. We did things together, went places together... goddammit.

What I really want is Friday night back. I went to Boffing/Capture the Flag, as Alan's older brother Eric had been trying to persuade me to do for a while (his younger brother too; for a while he was trying to persuade both of us to do it). I was glad I did it. I visited my friend Ryan, whom I hadn't seen in a while, in his apartment in Buchanan Towers (a good 20-25 minute walk from my dorm), we ate dinner, tried to check out a concert on campus that turned out to be lame, chilled out in his apartment some more, then went and played capture the flag. It was pretty fun running around and trying to hit people with padded foam sticks (most of the players were big and strong and sometimes scary guys). Afterwards we hung out in Eric's place and played cards and sat around and talked. I had fun. Lots of fun. I missed Alan, yes. But I was having fun. Ryan and I headed back to his apartment after a while, and we were up till 3:30 in the morning before walking all the way back to Mathes.

Next day, I had just about no plan. I went to lunch at noon and talked with a few people, then decided to go to Ryan's place and do homework. We did for a bit, then decided that we were bored and needed something to do. We caught up to a few people that I recognized from Fairhaven, including Eric's roommate. We went to another person's place and played a bit of Katamari Damacy (which was rather painful--it was one of the first things Alan showed me when we met). I still felt bored and disconnected, so Ryan and I headed out. We watched a few things on his computer, including Supersize Me (y'all should see it too). Then we felt tired--he felt physically exhausted, I was mentally exhausted. I ended up stealing his bed to sleep on, and he slept on the floor (I did feel bad, but didn't feel like debating it). We slept for a while... woke up on and off... till about 12:30. Had lunch at 1, I got back home at 1:30.

I'm still feeling very lonely. I want something like Friday night to happen again. I want to be with a bunch of people who are happy, active, and willing to let me be with them. I want to feel loved again, and I don't want to just sit somewhere and talk anymore--I want to do something. Actually do something. With cool people.

More and more I am beginning to like myself for who I am. But I do wish things were different... I was different, things were different. That I wasn't so lonely...

I want to go home again.