Candy day

I wish I had some candy, anyway. I'm gonna try to see if I can get some later this afternoon... maybe not. I don't know.

These days I like to think my name is Sisyphus. For a reason that I can't think of at the moment, he was cursed to forever spend his days in the afterlife trying to roll a boulder up a hill. Whenever he almost reached the top of the hill, the boulder would slip and fall back down to the bottom, and he'd have to start over again.

Last year I said I was a mobius strip. This is basically the same idea, only more Greek Myth geeky. It's a never-ending cycle of waking up feeling sad and lonely, dealing with it all freakin day, often crying by the time afternoon hits. Sometimes in the evening I'll feel better. Often times right before I sleep, I'll start to get that feeling again... sometimes I don't. But as soon as I open my eyes every morning, I'm plunged right back down at the bottom of it all again, and I spend yet another day fighting to get back up... feels like I'm getting no where at this rate.

I used to dream about him nearly every night since it happened. First dream I had was during that first weekend I spent home... we were together again, and happy. That next week, I kept having dreams about him, and we would be happy at first, but then I'd get that familiar "this isn't working" feeling, and I'd wake up actually feeling just about the same way... Then sometimes I'd dream, and he wouldn't be directly in it, but there would be something in it that would remind me of him in the dream, just like what would happen in real life, when I would accidently stumble on old memories... One morning this weekend, I had about 2-4 dreams in which we came back together and were happy, and I woke up each time with a reminder that it didn't really happen... Interestingly enough, the past two nights I don't remember dreaming about him at all, but as soon as I gain my consciousness back, I remember where I am, and my heart sinks back down to the lower levels...

I know they say that nothing helps moving on better than the next guy to come around... but damn, that's gonna be difficult. 1) It's not wise to go around looking for the next guy, to spend all your energy trying to find someone... it almost never works. 2) Because this is the first time I've actually built something with another person, getting over them will probably be harder than any of my other experiences like this. 3) I just might be trying to fill that "Alan-shaped hole in my subconscious," and.. well, if that's my goal, that's not going to turn out so well.
It's just difficult to try to carry on when you can't see where you're going. It's difficult to loosen old bonds when you don't have anything else to hold on to. It's easier to move up a step if you can see that step, and like the direction it's going...

It's Halloween. I'm dressed up as Hot Topic advertisement. Or at least that's what i'm saying I am. All I'm doing is wearing my Sally shirt, my Jack sweatshirt, and my Jack scarf. It's as festive as I get.

Last weekend I went home. Last Thursday my cat, Kitten, was put to sleep. She had a tumor on her leg, and she was going to get it amputated, but it turned out the tumor had spread to her pelvis, and there was really no getting rid of it... So I've only one cat now, and he's the one in the profile picture. I'm missing him more these days... There are just some moments when you really need a cat sitting on your lap and purring loudly as you stroke him.

And I hope midterm on Wednesday doesn't spell out my doom.