The up is swinging

Well, it's good that not everyone is ignoring or not reading my blog these days. For those of you who have commented recently, gracias! I'm in your debt... and you'd better be updating your blogs too! =)

So like the title says, since the last post, I've improved. I consciosly try to minimize the time Alan and I spend in my dorm... meaning that not only to we spend more time in his dorm, in one of our friends' dorm, or somewhere in the outdoors, but that I'm nearly always hesistant and guilty when I bring him over, especially if I suspect Allie will be in the room. The tension that I felt earlier between my roommate and me has mostly worn off... though sometimes when I sense her unhappiness I can't help but wonder if I have contributed to it in anyway... though these days most of her trials come from what's happening at home (and those details I will not disclose here). I'm actually feeling rather well fed as of late--food has been relatively decent, and last night Alan and Kit and I ordered breadsticks--both garlic and cinnamon. Sweetness.

My social life is getting a bit better. Kit and I are hanging out more these days. I would hang with Adria more, but she's found work these days (and there goes the would-be responsible voice speaking to me about employment...).
Over the weekend, Kit and Alan and I hit the mall. I bought a skirt for me--bringing my total to 2. I'm working on it, people! I bought a nice cream tanktop to go with it, some black sandels, and some neat sunglasses. I also bought Kit a sheer, see-through black shirt to match a beautiful purple skirt she's got. She was ever so gracious, and looked great the next day in that outfit. (And one of the nice things about roomming together next year is that we're the same size, therefore fit in the same clothes! And she loves red too... Score!). Alan bought some shorts, something he had needed for a while; and unfortunately the poor boy didn't have the nicest of days for the majority of it. He burned his hand on a waffle iron, was in pain the whole day and had to keep ice in a plastic bag by his hand. He also, through the day, lost or left behind his debit card, his wallet, and his driver's license at various locations, including Cinnabon, a table where we had a sit-down, and at a Cingular wireless booth (respectively). In the end, once we got back to school, his day got better. It was my job, as his girlfriend, to make it all better...

I've been trying to minimize the outbreaks of crying. I never saw myself as overly sensitive... maybe it's because I tried not to let too many things get to me, though I still try not to. Being so close to someone means getting closer to who you really are... sometimes I wonder, when I discover more and more about myself, if that's who I really want to be, if the traits that are put into light are really the traits I want to have. *sigh* Alan may be right, I have way too high of expectations for myself. In truth, I try to be as perfect as possible. Don't wanna make other people upset, don't wanna be upset myself. Perfection may be a stairway to infinity... oh damn, who knows what book I'm trying to refer to? Oh well... anyway, it's pretty much an impossible goal. When I first met Alan, I was doing rather well in the self-esteem department--relative to how I was doing most of my life beforehand. During winter break, when we were apart, we even had each other tell the other, one by one, a compliment about theirselves. I came up with a bit. I don't know what exactly triggered the regression into my former habit... I don't think it's a relationship issue. Doesn't feel like it. But it's happening again. I don't deny my good traits... but I tend to downplay them to an unfair extent. I emphasize the negative traits... however big or small. Not healthy, yes. Bad habit, oh yes. It's been a habit of mine for a long time... pretty much throughout the days of public school. Now I'm not sure about the correlation between those two, but... mostly, I think it was the social factor that played a part in the conditioning of the way my mind works now.

Enough explaining. I've got to do something about it. I've told myself this I don't know how many times... but for Alan's sake, for my friend's and family's sake, and mostly for my sake, I'd think I'd better cut it out. Sound good to you?

Songs. Gimme. Now. Please. Thank You.