No One Is Alone

This is my mantra as of late. I'm trying to convince myself to believe it as much as possible. It's hard not to feel alone during times of loss. But especially on this day reserved for giving thanks, I'm trying to realize what is not lost around me.

I have an excellent family, for example. Yes, there are times when every single one of them (and often times several of them at once) can really pinch my nerves and make my veins bulge. But then there are moments with every one of them (and again, often times several of them at once) can make me feel better. Whether it's feeling loved or supported or sharing funny moments of any kind, I can't forget about them.

Sometimes it's strange... my family is just one example of this feeling, but it works rather well anyway. When I'm with them and I'm having a moment when I'm enjoying myself, sometimes it'll be a moment of "escape"--a moment when I won't think about my main troubles, and just be happy at that instant without even thinking about it. Sometimes it's as if I'm stepping out of my real self for a moment, just to laugh or to be amazed or relax or anything of the sort. I love the feeling when it happens... and I dearly wish it were enough to make the little knots untangle themselves for good.
I guess that was a reason I liked going to Fairhaven alot, too. There is a rather significant difference between my home and Fairhaven, though. Both provide means of escape in both the physical (distance) and social sense, yes. Home feels so familiar though, like (heh) I've had it all my life, and though little things have changed here and there, for the most part the way I act and the person I am hasn't changed much. Fairhaven was a real branch-out for me. The people there were pretty damn cool, and in many ways they acted like people that I probably would normally associate with. But there were some things about them that... well, for lack of a better phrase, were a real branch-out for me. Sometimes the mentality of such a group actually went as far as to contradict how I normally think and act. I didn't often subscribe to their particular points of view. Most of the time I would remain quiet, and a few times I used the best weapon: humor. That fit in just fine--those guys were all about humor. For a while I tried to convince myself as best I could that I would try this new point of view out as much as possible, and even try to adopt it a little. After all, it did provide a nice escape from things...

The toughest part is being caught in between. The reason I didn't quite fit all the way into the group I visited in Fairhaven was because although I was branching out into all kinds of new points of view and ways of thinking, there was still that older, more established part of me that wanted to be expressed--and just couldn't be expressed with that sort of group. And when I'm home, I can express that view all I want. The issue with home lies with the fact that I've branched out in directions that are not always the most comfortable ways to be at home. So although I can be a good part of myself at home, and I've grown quite a bit in Fairhaven, neither really completely fits with me at the moment. And the part in between, the neutral ground, as it were, is... well, in it lie all the feelings that I'm trying to escape from. Soon as I head back to my North Campus dorm, or as I log into my laptop, or as I flop onto my bed and become so aware of the fact that I'm the only one it it, I get a rush the actual state I'm in--the very lonely and restless and starved part of me, looking for a home. In there, both of these particular sides of me are being denied. I miss things from either side, and either side feels unfulfilled in one way or another.

The sad thing is that due to recent events, I probably won't return to Fairhaven for a while. In a few weeks, after experiencing my Fall Quarter '05 classes for the last time, I'll return home--for a good long time. I guess I'd better to learn to appreciate what I've got here at home... really appreciate it. Appreciate it till I'm sick of it. And I'll be desperately trying not to look behind me... to look into the past...

So the point has been abandoned a bit. The point being is that I'm thankful for what I have. One of those things being my family. Another thing being because compared to the rest of the world, I'm pretty damn well off. I've got a roof over my head, a very comfy bed, loads of food, a laptop, opportunities to express myself in most any way I want to, I'm attending a college, I don't have to pay for it myself, I'm quite healthy, my friends and relatives are all healthy, and my home country isn't that bad. And nothing scary is going to come and eat me in the middle of the night.

I guess something to really be thankful for is the progress I've made over time. Looking back into past Thanksgivings, looking back over the past months, the past weeks, the past days... I'm taking much larger steps and have journeyed farther than I ever thought I would. It almost feels like I should just stop here, and that I've found a good spot with the way I am to just settle down, but I know that's never the case--life is certainly going to keep happening, and who knows what the hell else is destined to cross, interrupt, or block my path. And who knows what I'll do in response. But I'm glad that I've grown. I have grown quite alot. I've also bloomed several times, and I've the confidence now to know that I can bloom again.

So we give our thanks, and then we enter the season of wishes. The gratitude towards such deserving things never leaves, of course, and is still appreciated just as much. But it's this season when we're allowed, the same time of being grateful for what we have, to have a wish as well.

I'm thankful for my growth.
And my wish is to bloom again soon.

(And the title comes from a song from Into The Woods, which is the new musical I'm getting into. My best musical recs often come from my brother, Graham. What he really wanted me to get into was Sweeney Todd. But Into the Woods will do for now. And I really like it, so it works.)