"I see sky's are blue, and clouds are white..."

I just spent over an hour enjoying the sunshine. I feel proud of myself. I was alone, which kinda made me sad, but at least I wasn't indoors on this lovely day. My only class was at 10 this morning. I took my blue stadium blanket and lay on it for a while in the grass outside of my dorm building, then I started reading a book that I should've read over the summer when my dad wanted me to. Better late than never.

I also got a room for next year. My friend Kit and I are rooming together in Mathes 801. Hooray for getting priority because you're returning to your own building. I still wonder what my major's gonna be...

Right now I want to go shopping with Alan, but I cannot reach that boy right now. His phone goes unanswered, he needs to activate his voicemail, he's not online (though he shouldn't be because his nearly-carpal-tunnel hands need a break), and I don't know whether he's at his dorm or working out. Dammit, I need to get going on that radio collar--I mean... I hope I can find him later...

*Sigh* I've been crying too much this year. I did it again last night. It's not that I'm sad all the time or anything, but I have moments of intense upsetness. It's due to alot of things. Unfortunately, Alan is usually indirectly involved. I say indirectly because in no way does he ever make me cry himself. He has done nothing that could ever be hurtful or abusive in any way. On the contrary, he's very sensitive to my feelings and very caring and supportive in any condition I'm in. The things I get upset over are the things I find wrong with myself... It goes back to long-term insecurities I've felt most of my life, and I've yet to totallly overcome them. I've come quite a ways from where I was, especially in the last year. But... because I'm experiencing a relatively new experience--being in a relationship, a serious relationship--I'm worried about those insecurities even more. I'm worried that they'll all catch up to me, overwhelm me, and consequently drive those I know and love into forsaking me. Now, for the record, I'm fairly confident that those who truly love and care for me won't ever do something like that... but... what it really comes down to is that I still feel insecure about myself, unsure of myself, and sometimes I find little reason to like myself. And at the same time I'm in a fear of losing the ones that I love the most... I guess I should stop worrying about that bit. I've been reassured so many times that I won't be abandoned, it might be time to accept it. In times of emotional turmoil, though... it's as if I want to abandon myself. I don't want to live in the person I'm living in already, and I don't want to have these faults and insecurites and have to deal with them too. My mentality often results in things such as "if I knew me, I wouldn't want to put up with me."

*Sigh again* I don't know what to do. I don't know the proper way to deal with this. I often find myself feeling better again (like this morning), thinking that maybe this time I've dealt with that situation properly and from now on I don't have to worry too much about about that particular problem... only to meet it straight in the face once more on another occasion. It's in those times when I feel like I'm getting nowhere with my growth, and I wonder how long I'll have to deal with such shit, and wonder when the day will come where I'll look back and think, "I certainly have come a long way from there..."

If anyone's got an idea on any sort of possible ways to start climbing these scary mountains, I'll listen. If not, just let me know you're still there...

Well, I just wanted to get that out. Again, it's nothing to do with Alan. Though small incidents (such as a slight disagreement, or something mean I said) with him will often trigger a little unhappy feeling, then will slowly but surely unleash the rest of my negative emotions and insecurities, along with a few or more tears. It's an icky cycle. And it needs to go away.

But the sun is out. And ALAN!! PICK UP THE FRIGGIN' PHONE OR LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALIVE SOMEWHERE!

(hee hee, and now you lucky readers will get to witness all of our little hissy fits!... actually, they rarely exist; I'm just getting a little antsy here.)

A lemonade smoothie sounds good. Ice cream sounds good. Fries sound good. Fast Food Nation is an evil and inspiring and depressing and informative book. Son of a bitch. I wish I hadn't read it, and I'm glad I read it.

I wonder if I'll just start using all the swear words. I've really yet to have the courage to utter f*** out loud. Let the wave of labels such as "wimp," "prude," "stupid-head," and "f***ing idiot" be unleashed upon me at this point. But for all those insensitive jerks (no offense), we all have our own comfort levels, OKAY?! So what if I haven't felt comfortable saying that one out loud yet?! I say every other swear word, I'm not that clean-mouthed. Just leave me alone!!!

Wow, that was hostile. I need something else to do. ALAN! PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE!!!

Okay, I think I'll walk over to his dorm and hope he's there. And maybe later I'll have something better to write about.

(By the way, Alan, don't worry. I still love you.)