The Weekend.

Hmmm. Very uncreative title. Usually I try to avoid such things. Not today, I guess.
Where do I start?
I guess with Friday night, I was talking to my friend, Tyler. We had been thinking about him visiting me on the 13th of November, but recent automobile events made it really difficult on him, and it was looking more and more slim that the event would happen. However, friday, Nov. 5, he surprised me by asking whether it would be alright if he visited the next day, since appparently he had other things happening on the 13th. I had nothing in particular planned, so I agreed.
He came that morning, around 11. We spent most of the day together, never really leaving my building, harldy leaving my room. At one point we went into the main lounge so he could play the piano; he's so good!! And creative!! And... it was just really cool. We watched Best of Will Ferrell, and I'm so glad he got to do that--it's so quotable! We had some issues with wrestling with the sound on my TV, but he figured it out--he's a smart boy. He met my roommate who brought some new curtains and was very proud of herself for picking them out--I was too! (I'm so glad she's my roommate!) Most of the day we were alone though... we listened to music, talked a bit... I was really tired. I wish I weren't, because I was turning out to be a very bad host, I thought. He left at around six, and I went back in my room...
That event should have left me more happy than I was--way more happy. I'm still not over my feelings... Even now, though I've recovered quite a bit from later that night. I had some issues with him still... fortunately, last night, we got to work some of those out. Once again, I've got nothing to be frusterated, angry, or utterly upset about except myself...
I need to get over these feelings. They hurt, alot. Some things can help, though.
Friendships can help. However, it doesn't help that I'm in the first quarter of Freshman year, what's been called, by most upperclassman I talk to, the worst of it all, in terms of friendships.
Maybe this quarter is my turn at the bottom the wheel of fortune, if times in my life can be consecutively measured out in cycles of a wheel.
Maybe things will turn out better, like everyone says they will... maybe now's the time to be optimistic.
In the meantime, although I hope for a day where the tide will turn, I'll try to survive as best I can.
This is a test.
I'm in the forest.
Let's see if I can make it my home, for now...
(That last part is probably due to the fact that I heard and saw the video for Pearl Jam's song "Jeremy")

I'm in a mobius strip of feelings...
Make a mobius strip. Come on. Work with me. Take a thin strip of paper (or cut one yourself), twist it once in the middle, and tape both ends together. Now take a writing utensil and start drawing a line down the middle of the strip.
Go on. Do it. No one's looking.
Notice how you keep drawing the line, and you go throughout the whole strip and get back to where you started? The line will go on, over and over again, repeating the same path and going no where else...
I start out feeling like crap. I wrestle and strain and push myself out of the crappiness, and by the end of the day, often in the afternoon or night, I feel better, especially after I talk to people. I go to bed. I wake up, and the crap is back. I struggle with crap all day until the afternoon or night, then I feel better, especially after I talk with people. I go to bed, I wake up, back in Crap-o-Land. I fight with crap all morning, the afternoon and night look nice again, especially after talking with people. I go to bed. I wake up...
Ugh.
I'm sick of the deja vu-ness of it all. I just want it to end...
It's like those kind of days... especially over the summer... I remember. Most of the day would be cold, or cool, overcast, and sometimes rainy. By the end of the day, around the afternoon, the sun would finally shine through the clouds. This often resulted in very lovely sunsets. The clouds were still there, but they didn't seem to serve any other purpose besides enhancing the sunset--they sure were beautiful. But the clouds never went away, they gathered back together at night, and the morning would be greeted with falling rain. The pattern would repeat over many days...

It won't end. It keeps following me around, never leaving me completely. No matter what the distraction, I always return to it, and let it gently coax its needle back into my skull, the poison seeping back into my brain, drugging me, taking me back to the place where times were happy and good, even though at the same time I feel pained and sick; a dillusional state of mind...

Holy crap, did all of that come from my imagination? Wow... I should either be praised or on Prozac.

I've had some interestingly themed dreams lately... with dolphins. Saturday night I had a dream... I don't remember the beginning or end, one part stuck with me though. I remember I was in a big room... with huge windows... overlooking a body of water... It would really help if you knew what my cafeteria looks like, since it resembled that. Anyway, all of the sudden I got a feeling that if I looked out the window into the water that there might be dolphins. I look, and I see many curved fins surfacing and dipping below the water... Dolphins! I was thrilled, and I watched them... then for some reason I was closer, and I could see a dolphin plainly in front of me! But then I realized it was beaching itself. I looked around the shore (which resembled a beach in Ireland or Scotland, if you know what those look like), and suddenly I realized there were many beached dolphins around... I saw some more dolphins attempting to beach themselves, I saw some people running out there to try to stop them. I wasn't allowed to go near them, for some reason, so all I could do was stand and watch... I overheard someone in my dream, I don't know who, saying that as the dolphins were beaching themselves, the rocks that they were dragging themselves up against were ripping up their undersides...
Then the dream switched to something else. I don't remember much after that.
My second dolphin dream wasn't so sad. I hardly remember it at all... but I do remember parasailing down to a dolphin in a lagoon, and swimming with it...

Is there some supreme being up there, some deity, some divine spirit, some untangible, invisible, omniscient force up there that is leading me, pushing me, guiding me, forcing me down a path? Is it a fate? Do I have a destiny? Am I being thrown around, up and down, to whatever end I reach?
Or am I doing the jumping on a trampoline myself? Is it all me?
At my state of knowledge and beliefs, I'm gonna go with choice number two, although it's a temptation to blame someone, something else out there for my misfortunes.
Destiny? Or free will? Now for some Forrest Gump wisdom:
"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both. "
You've said all, man. You've said it all.

Wow, I went all over the place with this entry. I hope I don't have to post too many unhappily themed entries. Let's that not only things for me will change for the better, but that I will change for the better. I'm really going for that last option.
So scary... so hard...
Wish me luck.

I guess right now I'm happier. It's the evening, I feel better. I've talked with people.
Two things that make my day:
I got yet another compliment for my Nightmare Before Christmas sweatshirt! =)
and:
"Cheer up, there is no reason towaste time ignoring the roses growing brighter and more beautiful everyday."
~Candice
=)

Still can't think of a song or movie quote for a title... Any suggestions?
Until then...