Song of the Day

Day after day,
Our love turns gray,
Like the skin on a dying man.
And night after night,
We pretend it's all right,
But I have grown older,
And you have grown colder,
And nothing is very much fun, anymore.
And I can feel,
One of all my turns coming on.
I feel,Cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.
Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left,
You'll find my favorite axe.
Don't look so frightened,
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.
Would you like to watch TV?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate a silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would ya?Would you like to see me try?
Ooohh. No! Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

Okay, so this song isn't totally like me today, but most of it is. It's a good song to illustrate me in mood on a bad day, when I'm mad at things and feel rather destructive; you know, that feeling where you're so mad and frusterated you just feel like taking a heavy object, preferable with a long handle, and sometimes with a sharp end, and plunging it into something else breakable... I've learned over time to not blame the world and people around me, but to find my guilt in the situation. But then I usually just sit there feeling sorry for myself... but I'm not skilled in any other cure for the situation. Right now I'm feeling like a true introvert, I don't feel like opening up to anyone... well, almost. I can't help wanting to open up to people; I don't like being all closed up, it feels lonely. Sometimes I wonder if it's my fate to be so... then five minutes later I end up laughing with someone. But sometimes that doesn't last more than 5 minutes. It does feel nice to open up to people and be me; it does not feel nice to be hurt because I opened up too much to the wrong one.
That's my problem. I opened up too much to the wrong one, at the wrong time. That was stupid. I should've known better. I knew I shouldn't have done it in the first place, but then I stopped listening to my head, and even my heart, and listened to my "what-feels-good-now"... thing. For lack of a better name. It was my gut instinct at first not to believe all the dulcid words I heard, but after discovering other elements of paradise, they started to make sense in the moment. Now the emotional attachment's there, and I can't shut it off. It shouldn't be there, but it is; it's like an unplanned child... sort of. This one can be gotten over, after some time. Unlike with the child... bad simile. Can't think of another one...
I'm mad at me for letting this happen. I'm upset at the other party for wanting to induce such feelings in me first and foremost, then deciding after all the pleasure to actually know me, and deciding against it... and then objectifying me anyway, even though they might not have realized it... I'm mad at me for being upset at that, because I knew, always knew, something more couldn't come from this anyway. I'm mad at me for going along with it despite this. I'm mad at me for being so inexperienced, naive, and stupid. And what's worse... I'm starting to question who I am, what I'm really like... if you've ever done this, you'll know it's rather frightening.
So here I am, back on Depression Lane. It's rather dark and gloomy. No rain, no sun, just a smoggy fog. You don't know anyone, even though you may be friends with them. You don't dare make eye contact, you're not about to reveal yourself, but you so want desperately for everyone to know what's troubling you, and more importantly, you want someone to understand. But you're pretty convinced no one will...
There I go trying to be a poet again. I think I'll go crawl under my down comforter, or I'll stand in the rain...

What beautiful thoughts.